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[Double D]

   
Irish Medical Dictionary
 
Artery............... The  study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back  door to cafeteria..

Barium................What  doctors do when patients die.

Benign.................What  you be, after you be eight

Caesarean  Section..A  neighbourhood in Rome ..

Catscan...............Searching  for Kitty

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic..................A sheep dog..

Coma.................A punctuation mark

Dilate................To live long..

Enema................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.................A small lie.

Impotent.............Distinguished,  well known.

Labour  Pain..........Getting  hurt at work.

Medical  Staff.......A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................I knew it..

Outpatient...........A person who has fainted.

Pelvis.................Cousin to Elvis.

Post  Operative......A letter carrier.

Recovery  Room......Place  to do upholstery.

Rectum...............Nearly  killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding  something.

Seizure...............Roman  emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal  Illness.....Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...............One  plus one more.

Urine.................Opposite  of you're out.

2  x Condoms.......To be sure, to be sure   

[john s 2]

Excellent. Thanks .John.

[RaaArtyGunner]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

[Perkasaman2]

The guy described above is obviously living on his own. 

[john44]

Yes ,that,s why he seems happy with his (perfect lifestile).

[tony23]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[DickyD]

An answer I can understand.
 An American tourist asks an Aussie
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Aussie replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the darn boat."

[DickyD]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

[RaaArtyGunner]

An answer I can understand.
 An American tourist asks an Aussie
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Aussie replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the darn boat."

Oio Oio Oio
 

[Martin (Admin)]

How the Internet started:-


A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, 
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of 
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.   
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far 
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever 
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags 
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in 
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's 
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with 
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. 
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever  having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete 
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of 
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - 
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy 
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the 
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were 
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with 
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken 
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to 
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO,"  said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

...... and that is how it all began.

[RaaArtyGunner]

You live and learn
 

[RaaArtyGunner]

One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.
 
When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

 

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why the owner was so interested in speaking to her.

 

Michelle mentioned that in her teenage years, the owner had been madly in love with her. 

 

President Obama then said, "So, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."

 

To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President!"
 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Enough water

[RaaArtyGunner]

Queensland tourism campaign

[RaaArtyGunner]

Dealing with Flood Insurance assesors

[Double D]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank  reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this  is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.




 
 
 

 

 

[CGAux26]

GLAD TO SEE YOU PICKING ON OUR PRESIDENT.  WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET DOING THAT.

[Colin Bishop]

There is a cartoon in today's Times showing an RN aircraft carrier with 'NO FLY ZONE' written on the flight deck.....

Got it in one!

Colin

[RaaArtyGunner]

For the uninitiated "VB" is a brand of Aussie beer.

A husband and wife were shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picked up a carton of VB and put it in their trolley..
'What do you think you're doing?' asked his wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!,' he replied excitedly.
'Put them back; we can't afford them,' demanded his wife, and so they carried on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asked the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replied his wife.
Her husband retorted: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

The picture reflects the results.

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25 - we have a husband down.'

[thegrimreaper]

mmmmmmmm "VB" cant get Victoria Beer in the U.K. unless Weatherspoons do a special will be back to Geelong in 2013 to sample some more "VB"

Regards Mark

[chingdevil]

VB
Stands for "very bad beer" I think I will give it a miss when I am in Australia later this year.

Brian

[Double D]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

[Stavros]

Madness has finally decended upon the establishement


Stav

[RaaArtyGunner]

In the not too distant future,

YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge

 to form one giant, idiotic,

super time wasting website called...

[Roadrunner]

Like it but maybe an anagram will work better for company image...


''Cutey of a wit''