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Author Topic: Aussies love Irish Jokes  (Read 19921 times)

RAAArtyGunner

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Aussies love Irish Jokes
« on: October 29, 2013, 11:05:36 pm »

Aussies love a good Irish joke, among other things, enjoy  O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-)
 
   
   
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
[/t]
 
           
   This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.             John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.         
 
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.        
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.        
 
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.        
 
 Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'
     
 
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Netleyned

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2013, 09:47:36 am »

 :} :} :}

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Dannypenguin

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2013, 11:32:37 am »

Like!  {-)
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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2013, 01:00:19 pm »

 
 
                        {-) {-)
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jaymac

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2013, 12:54:45 pm »

         "Murphy drops some buttered  toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he  has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered  toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch  the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened  round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see  it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him  what he sees on the floor." 
   "“Well,” says the  priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some  buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the  butter was on top.”"
 
   “No, Father, I  dropped it and it landed like that.”
 
   “Well,” Fr Flannagan  says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast  never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.  I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to  interview you, take photos, etc.”
 
   "An investigation of  some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative,  however. It reads:"
 
   "“It was certainly an  extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the  normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling  any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In  this case we declared no miracle. For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.” 
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2013, 08:19:18 pm »

Not from down here he didn't  {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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sparkey

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2013, 08:24:03 pm »

 ;) The wife would not let me have butter something about being bad for my ticker, does it work with margarine,happy sailing,RAY. ;) ;) ;)   
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derekwarner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2013, 08:36:47 pm »

sparkey.....you know our Lord works in mysterious ways  :o .....but considering that your good wife is watching for your health......I think the same heavenly rules would apply to dropping toast w margarine  {-)  Derek
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sparkey

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2013, 08:43:36 pm »

 :-)) At this moment it would not be the best time to test this theory as I have just messed up her kitchen cleaning my brushes and toast on the floor might pushing my luck a wee bit,happy modelling,Ray. :-)) :-)) :-))
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2013, 09:19:05 pm »

How do you know which is the right side? {:-{

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Shipmate60

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2013, 09:28:34 pm »

Its the OTHER side to the left side!!


Bob
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sparkey

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2013, 07:19:35 am »

 O0 I think toast is off the menu for breakfast might be doing some porridge this morning after the mess I made in the kitchen,keeping a low profile might stay in the shed for while,Ray. O0 O0 O0 
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GAZOU

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2013, 07:50:21 am »

Its the OTHER side to the left side!!


Bob

Not at all!

look back and see that this is not true
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sparkey

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2013, 12:09:35 pm »

 ;) All this science is too complicated for me I have given up the toast stick to porridge or better still full English well it is the weekend,Ray. ;) ;) ;) 
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Danny

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2013, 07:57:58 pm »

A blokes driving his Morris Minor, when it breaks down.  He no sooner lifts the bonnet when a voice says "your distributor caps loose". 
He looks round and all he can see are two horses in the field, one black and the other white.  The white horse then repeats "your distributor caps loose".
The chap is obviously shocked to hear a talking horse but checks the distributor. Sure enough, it IS loose. 
After clipping it back on, he jumps back in, starts up and heads for the nearest pub.
With a stiff drink inside him, he starts to tell the barman about the talking horse.
The barman asks "Would that be a white horse?"
"Yes it was" says the chap - "but how did you know?"
The barman replies "cos the black one knows nothing about cars"!


malcolmfrary

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2013, 08:23:47 pm »

"The dark side or the light side you attracts?"
"Yoda, just get that toast buttered"
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dougal99

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2013, 09:24:12 pm »


Paddy applied for a job on the building site. The foreman was desperate for men but as his other staff were always picking on irishmen he was reluctant to hire him. Paddy however, was insistent and got the job. The foreman decided to put him on the seventh floor of the building and told the supervisor to make sure no one gave Paddy any trouble. All was well until the afternoon tea break when the foreman saw Paddy plummet to his death from the seventh floor. He rushed up and said to the supervisor
“What happened? What did you say to him? Who had a go at him?”
 “Nothing happened.” replied the supervisor ”In fact we had a long talk at lunch. I told him about my war experiences flying in Wellingtons.”
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2013, 11:50:35 pm »

A blokes driving his Morris Minor, when it breaks down.  He no sooner lifts the bonnet when a voice says "your distributor caps loose". 
He looks round and all he can see are two horses in the field, one black and the other white.  The white horse then repeats "your distributor caps loose".
The chap is obviously shocked to hear a talking horse but checks the distributor. Sure enough, it IS loose. 
After clipping it back on, he jumps back in, starts up and heads for the nearest pub.
With a stiff drink inside him, he starts to tell the barman about the talking horse.
The barman asks "Would that be a white horse?"
"Yes it was" says the chap - "but how did you know?"
The barman replies "cos the black one knows nothing about cars"!

 
 O0 O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-) {-)
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2013, 11:51:48 pm »

Paddy applied for a job on the building site. The foreman was desperate for men but as his other staff were always picking on irishmen he was reluctant to hire him. Paddy however, was insistent and got the job. The foreman decided to put him on the seventh floor of the building and told the supervisor to make sure no one gave Paddy any trouble. All was well until the afternoon tea break when the foreman saw Paddy plummet to his death from the seventh floor. He rushed up and said to the supervisor
“What happened? What did you say to him? Who had a go at him?”
 “Nothing happened.” replied the supervisor ”In fact we had a long talk at lunch. I told him about my war experiences flying in Wellingtons.”

Actually we Aussies do love the Irish  O0 O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-) {-)
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jaymac

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2013, 09:54:33 am »

Murphy was having a day out and wandered into a Pub where there was a Quiz going on. So he joined in .Up came the question name the most recent modern Saint.A few names were put forward and the winner was about to declared when Murphy shouts St Atus.
Several minutes silence whilst the panel does its check and says Sorry sir we can find no record of the Saint . Murphy with a piece of paper in his hand argues that he is the Patron Saint of credit
 you look at the bottom line on this
It Read

Credit given according to Status
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jaymac

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2013, 06:42:23 pm »

                                    Lets even things out {-)
            
An English ventriloquist visiting OZ
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Pom.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'


Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'


Local: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this Geezer r your owner?' (pointing at theLocal)


Dog: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'


Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'


Local: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'


Horse: 'Cool'


Local : (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the Local)


Horse: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?


Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'


Local: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Local: (in a panic)

'The sheep's a liar !!!
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2013, 12:50:30 am »

The country has been changed to protect the innocent  :o :o :o   %) %) %)
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jaymac

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2013, 05:33:40 am »

If EWE say so :}
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2013, 03:42:53 am »

Paddy's Girlfriend.
 
  After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy was driving to Brighton for a night of passion.
 
As he pulled up at a set of traffic lights on red he slid his hand under her skirt up past the top of her stockings and stopped.
 
“She whispered in his ear” “Paddy as we are now engaged you can go further” so Paddy drove on to Bournemouth.
 
%) %) %)
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derekwarner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2013, 05:04:20 am »

 %% {-) O0 .....did Paddy really drive to Bournemouth?......... :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:  lips are sealed ....only Paddy's fiancée will know.......  :embarrassed: ....best joke of the afternoon......Derek
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