Dear Martin
I'm now very anxious and depressed, Will this give me cancer or reduce the value of my house?
Pat Hettick
Dear Pat
I wouldn't worry your pretty little head about it, m'dear. If you turn to page 317 you can win a new country cottage (worth £999,999) every day of your life for a year! Second prize is a combined foldaway stairlift and walk-in bathtub, as recommended by none other than Sir Alan Sugar and Judith Chalmers!
As my Dad used to say, the only things missing from The Mail are perforations every six inches and a hole in the corner so you can hang the pieces on a handy nail.
When I'm King I shall throw Paul Dacre down the same dark hole as Rupert Murdoch, Simon Cowell and Michael O'Leary. There they can spend eternity with Piers Morgan and Jeremy Kyle.
Other nominations on a piece of Izal or Bronco c/o The Mods, please.
DM