Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016 (Read 256882 times)

Nemo · « **Reply #400 on:** March 01, 2016, 06:32:03 pm »

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. Then the dentist said to me 'Mr Nemo, please get out of my filing cabinet.'

Nemo · « **Reply #401 on:** March 01, 2016, 06:33:45 pm »

I went to my Doctor because I was worried and said to him, "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." and he replied,
"Well Nemo, you can't say fairer than that then"

Nemo · « **Reply #402 on:** March 01, 2016, 06:37:23 pm »

I bought a bottle of HP sauce in the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!

Nemo · « **Reply #403 on:** March 01, 2016, 06:53:07 pm »

When my wife discovered I had replaced our bed with a trampoline, she hit the roof!!

essex2visuvesi · « **Reply #404 on:** March 01, 2016, 08:16:02 pm »

Quote from: Nemo on March 01, 2016, 06:37:23 pm

I bought a bottle of HP sauce in the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!

Is that with PPI?

warspite · « **Reply #405 on:** March 02, 2016, 06:57:05 pm »

PPI - peri peri infused ?

Nemo · « **Reply #406 on:** March 02, 2016, 07:16:06 pm »

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Nemo · « **Reply #407 on:** March 02, 2016, 07:17:46 pm »

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Nemo · « **Reply #408 on:** March 03, 2016, 08:42:11 pm »

Selected items from the 'FREECYCLE' website.

(Offered)
Dursley - Builders rubble - about 14 tonnes

Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.

Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items

Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked

Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago

Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car

Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat

Stroud - Black & White TV - not working

Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993 plus firebrick making machine

Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.

Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing

Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000 hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)

Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned and treated, ready for use.

Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.

Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, heels missing.

Re-offered - rubble, Dursley

Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes

Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo, 12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...

malcolmfrary · « **Reply #409 on:** March 06, 2016, 08:25:14 pm »

Thank you, majorgeeks

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #410 on:** March 06, 2016, 08:44:16 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #411 on:** April 16, 2016, 11:33:08 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #412 on:** April 20, 2016, 06:39:27 pm »

Can you see what it is yet?

mrlownotes · « **Reply #413 on:** April 20, 2016, 07:06:30 pm »

Rollin', rollin', rollin' Keep them doggies rollin', rawhide. (or it's an 'orrible insect).

Davew · « **Reply #414 on:** April 20, 2016, 07:12:43 pm »

Fishing fly
Davew

radiojoe · « **Reply #415 on:** April 20, 2016, 07:17:13 pm »

Puts me in mind of Chuck Connors, boy that's going back a bit.

warspite · « **Reply #416 on:** April 20, 2016, 08:34:25 pm »

Its quite big, the axe to the left testifies to that, first that came to my mind was - a Norwegian blue, its not dead - just resting

from the notlob branch, why is the picture upside down?

mrlownotes · « **Reply #417 on:** April 20, 2016, 10:02:17 pm »

A young Kirk Douglas as a cowboy.

Capt Podge · « **Reply #418 on:** April 20, 2016, 11:49:56 pm »

The start of a new design for a 2-bladed propeller

Regards,

Ray.

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #419 on:** April 26, 2016, 10:23:00 am »

.

Terry · « **Reply #420 on:** April 26, 2016, 11:32:17 am »

Still in the fridge, now with a second plate and note.

Feeling logical, Terry

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #421 on:** May 02, 2016, 10:42:07 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #422 on:** May 08, 2016, 01:21:29 pm »

We don't do politics on Mayhem but I wonder if someone id having a 'poke' at Boris Johnson MP on Wikipedia?!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayor_of_London

warspite · « **Reply #423 on:** May 08, 2016, 02:13:53 pm »

so what is it, a big picture of a dead parrot on the wall - I still don't know what it is, please put me out of my misery - I'm having sleepless nights - oh please, please, please

radiojoe · « **Reply #424 on:** May 08, 2016, 03:31:47 pm »

Warspite, cover the black part with a bit card or your hand and concentrate on the left half, if you don't see it then have a cup of tea and try again and think shadow effect.

News:

Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016 (Read 256882 times)