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[Murph]

Paddy & Mary are in church . Paddy says to Mary " I feel like I'm gonna throw up "
 Mary says " Go round the back of the church there's some bushes you can spew in "
 Paddy goes off and comes back 5 minutes later ." Did you go in the bushes " asked Mary . Paddy said " No there was a box by the front door that said for the sick so I puked in that instead"

[BossMark]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the "xxxxx". They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

[BossMark]

Paddy phones EasyJet to book a flight.
"Certainly, sir," replies the assistant. "And how many will be flying with you, Mr O'Toole?"
Paddy replies, "How should I know? It's your plane."

[BossMark]

Paddy stood at the bar getting drunk, trying to work out why he’s only got three brothers when his sister has four.

[Danny]

Paddy's first day on the building site.
After a few hours he asks the foreman "can I have some oil for the wheelbarrow, its going 'squeek ... squeek ... squeek"
"You're fired!" says the foreman
"What, just for asking for a drop of oil?" says Paddy
"No" replies the foreman, "it should be going 'squeesqueesquee'"

[BossMark]

Paddy's just moved into the city and visits his new local pub for the first time. He strides up to the bar and asks for three pints. The landlord hands over the drinks and watches the Irishman sit at a table and one by one drink them all. Nearly every day for a few months the landlord eventually asks Paddy why he doesn't just order a pint at a time, that way it'll still be cold.

"Well," Says Paddy, "I've got two brothers and as we can't drink together we always order for three and drink it all on our own." The landlord agrees that this is a nice little tradition and gets to know Paddy over the coming months.

One day Paddy comes in with a look of death on his face and orders just two pints. The landlord, feeling inadequate and sad for his friend, gives Paddy his condolences and asks which of his brothers had died.

"What'cha talkin about?" Says Paddy, "I've just quit drinking."

[BossMark]

Paddy and Murphy walking through a field when Paddy finds a bag. "Hey, look at this, Murph, there are three hand grenades in here," he says. "What shall we do with them?"
Murphy replies, "I know, we will take them to the police station."
"But what if one goes off?" says Paddy
"Aw, we will tell them there was only two," says Murphy.

[BossMark]

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

[ballastanksian]

Much chucklements thanks Boss for sharing these. The bus joke is very funny

[jaymac]

And this from a nation that used to listen every week  to a radio programme
(Educating Archie) and the star was a Ventriloquists Dummy

[imsinking]

And this from a nation that used to listen every week  to a radio programme
(Educating Archie) and the star was a Ventriloquists Dummy

   AND what was wrong with Educating Archie ? Peter Brough was brilliant . . . .    TV killed him off , he could only do the voice with a BIG Cigar in his gob , it wobbled all over the place & gave the game away    the viewers soon caught on . . .
Saveen was another casualty (Daisy May & the dog) I think the RSPCA stopped him when they (allegedly) saw what he was doing to the dog to open it's mouth at the right time .
Poor old Terry Hall (Lenny the Lion) bit the dust too, I didn't think he was that bad . . . .
You dont see good ventriloquist's these day's . . . .
Bill 

[jaymac]

Did I say there was anything wrong with  the show?  I think not

[Grumpy Dave]

Check out Nina Conti. She uses members of the audience with puppet masks . The bit where she and the monkey change places is very funny a bit rude and very creepy.  Who was the vent who had Chukie ? They used to argue on stage quite heated about who needed who the most, the vent sits him on the table and storms off, there would be half a minute of silence ,then, Chuckie would open his eyes and turn his head around. Very spooky quite a few screams from the audience.

[BossMark]

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

[BossMark]

Paddy in the bath and he shouts to Murphy, "Have you any shampoo?"

Murphy shouts back, "It's by the sink."

Paddy says, "I can't use that, it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

[BossMark]

Paddy said to Mick, "There's one thing I've found out today, Mick."

"And what's that, Paddy?" enquired Mick.

"A phone box's not a great place to play trombone." Paddy replied.

[Nemo]

Paddy goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of firing 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help.
Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, 'I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows'.

[Murph]

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Ahh Paddy, there's a fella here who was a 152 when he died"

Paddy asks, "What was his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles from London."
 

[Nemo]

When visiting a store, Paddy asked an assistant "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[ballastanksian]

  Chortle.

[Nemo]

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Dirty Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland.
 Paddy, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy.

"I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."


 

[Nemo]

Paddy and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
Paddy picked up the phone and said, "Hello?' .................'How the hell do I know? Who do you think I am - a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some joker who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[Netleyned]

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Dirty Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland.
 Paddy, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy.

"I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."


 

Mods please remove to 'Groans' 


Ned

[Nemo]

As Father Jack himself would have said - 'It's only a feckin joke!' 

[Netleyned]

 


Ned