Joppy, maybe you would like to take a leaf out of this man's book?
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endevoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, less than three seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen emloyee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be signed by a Notary Public, and the manditory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required for me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
#1 to make an appointment to see me.
#2 to query a missing pament.
#3 to transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 to transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5 to transfer the call in case I am attending to nature.
#6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7 to leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.
#8 to return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 7.
#9 To make a general complaint or enquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending attention of my automated answering service.
#10 This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the durationof the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
P.S. Remember, don't make old people mad. We don't like it.