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Author Topic: Blonde humour  (Read 40853 times)

RAAArtyGunner

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Blonde humour
« on: August 30, 2016, 07:35:48 am »

 
Blonde at post office

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Klunk

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2016, 08:29:58 am »

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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CGAux26

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2016, 05:16:23 pm »

RAARTY you been upstaged.  And that takes some doing.  2 good Blonde jokes.   :-))
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2016, 09:38:54 pm »

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is a cupboard, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2016, 09:43:41 pm »

A blonde Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: You're OK now, I'’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions.”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Chelmsford, mate.”
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2016, 10:35:29 pm »


How many sheep do I have?

 There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

 So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

 Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

 "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

 The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

 "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

 Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

 She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

 She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

 The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2016, 07:14:07 pm »

On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns. The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.


 %)
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2016, 07:15:45 pm »


Q. Why did the blonde stare at a bottle of Orange Juice for 3 hours?



A. Because it said 'Concentrate' on the label.

 %)
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Klunk

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2016, 07:22:13 pm »

A blonde saw a sign saying "wet floor"
So she did.
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2016, 07:58:00 pm »

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

 :o
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CGAux26

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2016, 09:28:28 pm »

WHO STARTED THIS???  SHOOT HIM (AND ME) QUICK!!!   {-) {-) O0 O0
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jaymac

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2016, 10:38:40 pm »

Strange  though Marliyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Einstein
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2016, 11:04:41 pm »


Not me  %)

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Capt Podge

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2016, 11:53:36 pm »

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

 :o

 {-) {-) {-)

I like that one - adding it to my somewhat depleted repertoire  :-)

Regards,

Ray.
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2016, 09:06:00 am »


A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the
 postman to make his rounds.

 A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
 waiting for a special delivery.

 "No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
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Capt Podge

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2016, 01:19:51 pm »

 {-) {-) {-)

Brilliant!

Regards,

Ray.
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2016, 09:08:44 pm »

Strange  though Marliyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Einstein

Who - Frank Einstein?   {-) {-)

Actually, Albert and Marilyn were the same person. Look at this photo from close up then further away.  ok2   
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #17 on: September 01, 2016, 09:22:02 pm »


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;

'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No...

not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2016, 11:34:39 pm »

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
 They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
 They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #19 on: September 02, 2016, 07:59:15 pm »

 %)
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CGAux26

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #20 on: September 02, 2016, 09:32:30 pm »

Wow, RAAARTY, a blonde joke from Oz whose punch line is a blonde from the University of Texas!  I love it, since I am a graduate of Texas A&M, whose main rival is Texas U.   <*<
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jaymac

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2016, 10:27:15 pm »

Who - Frank Einstein?   {-) {-)

No Nemo '' The Einstein''
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #22 on: September 03, 2016, 01:41:47 am »

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large city building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
 
 
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captain bligh

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #23 on: September 03, 2016, 11:16:23 am »

Brilliant  {-) {-) {-)
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Nemo

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Re: Blonde humour
« Reply #24 on: September 03, 2016, 08:08:51 pm »

   
SOME NEW INVENTIONS BY A BLONDE FRIEND OF MINE!


The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap
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