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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2020  (Read 52639 times)

Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #150 on: March 15, 2020, 03:25:29 pm »

All is not lost!

If the supermarket has been stripped then if you are like us and do a lot of reading then you will probably have bookshelves full of old novels you will never read again which can act as a vital backup facility.

But you may find yourself having unexpected domestic conversations such as:

'Darling, are we on the same page?'

or

'I've just started a new chapter!'

or, in the worst case:

'Oh God, I've reached The End!'  :embarrassed:

Colin
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #151 on: March 15, 2020, 03:51:51 pm »

and all the members with their share certificates will be able to use them soon
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #152 on: March 15, 2020, 06:08:37 pm »


I've just ordered a new drink the 'quarantini'


it's like a Martini but you drink it at home alone.  <:(
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #153 on: March 15, 2020, 06:18:07 pm »

Quote
and all the members with their share certificates will be able to use them soon

Share certificates are digital these days - which I suppose offers another option... :o

Colin
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TheLongBuild

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #154 on: March 15, 2020, 06:53:29 pm »

Washable as well..   Did laugh when I hear people saying that nappies were running out, Wonder if they have ever heard of Terry's !!!

TheLongBuild

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #155 on: March 15, 2020, 06:56:19 pm »

Share certificates are digital these days - which I suppose offers another option... :o

Colin



Not All, Still have 12 from Tranmere Rovers from 1910 !! %% %% %%

CJ1

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #156 on: March 17, 2020, 03:11:28 pm »

Looks like the interior of Westbourne in the good old days (Roy) !
what a pleasure it would be - to be able to 'walk' into a Model Shop with shelves stocked like that in 2020 !!


You could try the Model Shop in Northampton.
http://www.modelshop-northants.co.uk
It's been running at the same premises since before I was born and the second generation owners are knowledgable, friendly and run a good mail order service too. I had my first Airfix kits from them when I was six or seven (I'm 65 now), and I've have been buying from them right up to now!! It looks just like the old Westbourne inside too! Loads of stock, and very speedy ordering of anything special. Highly recommended.
Chris

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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #157 on: March 18, 2020, 02:22:34 am »

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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #158 on: March 18, 2020, 09:07:11 am »

Since most news is now digital - at least the screen is wipe able if you have to resort to using that.


and whats wrong with the toilet brush at the side, granted sudocreme would be needed afterwards, as most brushes use plastic bristles nowadays, whats that old saying, when in rome do as the romans did (horrible historys - the romans paraded it)


I could finish victory yeay
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #159 on: March 18, 2020, 09:49:16 am »

used to be able to use a Players  cigarette packet  the circle was already drawn  anyone else remember the instructions :}
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #160 on: March 18, 2020, 10:23:41 am »

Trying to bulk buy toilet rolls is simply a race to the bottom...

Colin
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canabus

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« Reply #161 on: March 18, 2020, 11:36:06 am »

Hi Colin

One person coughs and 40 people sh-ts themselves !!!
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JimG

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #162 on: March 18, 2020, 12:42:34 pm »

Jim
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #163 on: March 18, 2020, 09:37:16 pm »

The wife showed me a post on her face crap page last week,


The great toilet paper famine of 2020 was caused by a bunch of A@*!oles
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #164 on: March 18, 2020, 09:48:54 pm »

D Trump today said that they would be rolling out a easier way of testing that would use a swab and be less invasive.


Now - I would expect that the normal test used a cotton bud in a plastic tube swabbed in the mouth.


I could just see it now, DT is asked during his testing recently, to drop his trousers and they unwrap a sanitised new set of the below swabs, when he asks why his are those shown below and not the normal type of swab, he is told its because of the amount of BS you talk through your A*@!ole






















 %)

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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #165 on: March 18, 2020, 10:43:31 pm »


Good one Jim!
  {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)

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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #166 on: March 18, 2020, 11:10:30 pm »

If you didn't get the size of these swabs, they are the Feudal sticks from the game show Gladiators :-))
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Taranis

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #167 on: March 20, 2020, 07:02:23 pm »

+++ Retired police officers immediately recalled back to duty+++++

My retired colleagues,

You will be aware that there have been serious outbreaks of Covid-19 across the UK, which is resulting in the immediate mandatory requirement for all retired police officers to return to duty.

The HM Government has issued a decree that all retired Police Officers who have served in a UK police force will be required to report to the HQ of the force they previously served with.
Here they will be issued with appropriate uniform and equipment to enable them to join serving officers on the front line, dealing with the current situation.
According to their physical condition they will be issued with specially designed Zimmer frames, walking sticks, walking frames, wheelchairs & mobility scooters.
Where possible such items will be marked with Force insignia and blue & white chequered tape.
In addition, mobility scooters will be fitted with blue lights and wailers.
Airwave radios have been adapted to accept a connection to hearing aids.
The Government accepts that there will be a need to provide additional specialist equipment, and incontinence pads will be available at a reasonable cost.
There will not be sufficient time to issue new warrant cards, but bus passes will be accepted instead.
SAGA have agreed to provide specialist Public Order vans equipped with ramps and tail-lifts. These will be appropriately marked as "OAPi Police Unit" (an abbreviation of 'Old And Past It") and they will be limited to 20mph so as not to alarm the passengers.
For those who are visually impaired, Guide Dogs will be accepted as Police Dogs. Asthma inhalers can be used instead of CS spray. Walking sticks are an acceptable alternative to batons.
In acknowledgement of the years of experience such a group will have, all OAP officers will automatically be given the rank that they retired with.
In recognition of the tremendous boost to the Police Service that your involvment will provide, your Pension will be increased by 40p per month during the current situation.
In order to comply with the Government Order, YOU ARE HEREBY COMMANDED to report to Police HQ at 9.00hrs on Monday 23rd March 2020.
By Order Boris Johnson
Prime Minister
This Order is also available in large print.

Baldrick

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #168 on: March 21, 2020, 06:48:27 am »

You know nostalgia often sets in when you get into your dotage . If the 737's on the Heathrow glide path were to just make a phut phut noise as they went overhead like the old doodlebugs used to do then the empty shelves and curfew lockdown would take me straight back to 1943 and my youth.  Mind you hoarding was not then an issue .
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #169 on: March 21, 2020, 10:05:41 am »

Was that because news print was easily available and not rationed, conveniently torn into strips and threaded with string and hung in the outside loo  %) 
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tonyH

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #170 on: March 21, 2020, 12:20:59 pm »

Was that before or after the old mail-order catalogues? Shades of Jeyes, Izal or MOD issue! :embarrassed:
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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #171 on: March 27, 2020, 02:50:45 pm »

 
                     WARNING! - Covid-19 - STAY AT HOME

If you end up in hospital, your wife will sell your boats for the price you told her you paid for them!

 
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johnv

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #172 on: March 27, 2020, 03:18:51 pm »

Hi Martin it's John v I may leave all my boats to you. Then what are you going to do. Move stay well and safe cheers John v
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #173 on: March 27, 2020, 04:03:54 pm »

I would have thought the Izal was post war.


They say that car washes use newsprint on your window screen as the paper cleans the glass even better - so what did it do to the rears of those in the war  %%
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #174 on: March 27, 2020, 05:27:38 pm »

Quote
I would have thought the Izal was post war.

Back in the late 1970s when I was a junior manager in a local education office the ladies on the staff asked me to intercede on their behalf with the rather older and traditional senior male managers to have the official shiny tissue replaced with something more absorbent. They obviously thought I was a soft touch(!) It worked though.

Colin
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