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Author Topic: clean pirate joke !  (Read 11119 times)

aston

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clean pirate joke !
« on: June 26, 2006, 12:43:16 AM »

told to me today by my 7 year old nephew

why are pirates scarey ??

answer ( read out aloud with the appropriate pirate voice )

because they? aaaarrrr? !!? ;D ;D

then again, the second one one got tears of laughter - he said he had another joke but had to go to the toilet first.

 He? came running back in and said "Uncle David, my bum's broken ",? I said "what" and he turned round, dropped his trousers, bent over and said "can you see the crack? :o"

Like I said, he's seven, but it seems he heard it from some older boys at school, and though he's not 100% sure why, he knew people laughed? ;D

enough childish humour, time for bed -? said Zebedee? ?::)

Aston
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Martin [Admin]

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Clean jokes !
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2006, 10:19:21 AM »

I heard a good one on the radio yesterday.

A man hires a boat and goes punting the river one Sunday afternoon.
Another man runs along the river bank shouting,"There's been a sewerage break! It's all empting out into the river!!"
The man on the punts calls back," It's OK. I realised what happened. I did want a nice quiet punt down the river this afternoon.... but now I'm just going through the motions!"

Boom. Boom.

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BobF

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2006, 11:52:19 AM »

So,

Not so much mucking about in boats, as boating about in muck.
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cbr900

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2006, 03:07:59 PM »

The little kids joke I can understand as he is only seven, but Martin surely that is not the best you can come up with..

Roy
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dougal99

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2006, 07:26:59 AM »

Try this for size:

A lorry driver breaks down and flags a blonde down to help him. He say "I've
got two apes in the lorry that need to go to the zoo. I'll give yo ?100
to take them."

"No problem" says the blonde. So the apes are put in the back seat of her
car and she drives off.

Some time laterr the lorry driver has fixed his truck and is driving into town.
He is amazed to see the girl walking down the road holding each ape by the
hand. He pulls up and says to her "I thought I asked you to take the apes
to the zoo?"

"I did", she said, "but we had some money left so now we're off to the cinema."



Cheers

Doug
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OneBladeMissing

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2006, 03:21:20 PM »

Two nuns were on a driving holiday in Transylvania. As they were driving down the road, Count Dracula leapt onto the car bonnet snarling at them.
"Oh my! What should I do?" asked the nun behind the wheel.
"Put the wipers on, they'll shake him off" replied her friend.
The evil Count stayed put.
"What now? asked the first nun.
"Spray him with the screen washers, I filled the bottle with holy water at that little church we visited this morning" said the second nun.
The holy water burned Draculas skin, but he wouldn't let go.
"What now?" asked the driver.
"Show him your cross!" said her friend.
"The nun behind the wheel wound down the window, stuck her head out, and shouted .....












..... "Oy! Get the f**k off this car!"
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GOGSAMWE

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2006, 03:35:36 PM »

 ;D ;D ;D

He hee

Steve  ;)
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cbr900

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2006, 03:48:16 PM »

It's three o'clock in the morning blowing a gale, pouring rain, thunder, lightning, and there is a knock at the door, the husband says stuff it it's to late I am not answering the door, I think you should answer the door says his wife, so to keep the peace the guy goes down opens the door and there is a drunk standing there and he says I need a push, the guy says get lost slams the door and goes back to bed, his wife says three weeks ago on a night like this we broke down in the car and a farmer you woke up came and fixed the car for us, I think you should go and give him a push, so again the guy goes downstairs opens the front door and yells are you there, the drunk says yes, do you still need a push, the drunk says yes, and the guy says where are you, and the drunk says on the swing...



Roy
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laserblue16

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2006, 04:41:19 PM »

I want to know what the blond wanted with 100 question marks!!!!! ;D
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RickF

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2006, 05:27:52 PM »

A blonde starts a new job as a PA. Her first morning the boss sends her over to Starbuck's for seven coffees. She's doesn't think she'll be able to carry that many, but on the way out she sees a big Thermos flask. She takes it over to the coffee shop and says to the assistant "Will this flask hold seven coffees ?"

"Sure" says the assistant.

"OK" says the blonde. "Give me two black, three white and two decaf!"
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DickyD

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2006, 05:31:13 PM »



  They all use the same keyboard on this forum. You know the one with no sign on it.

                                                                                          Richard ;D
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laserblue16

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2006, 05:35:12 PM »

Police today found 23 people glued to the cieling of a railway station. They think an Irish Muslim group have just set off the first nomore nails bomb.
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flybobby

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2006, 06:20:15 PM »

A man sat at a bar, says to the barman, 'tonight, I want to get really drunk, give me the strongest drink from the top shelf'
The barman pulled down a bottle and says to the guy, 'We got this, but I had a few shots of it last night, and I ended up blowing chunks!'
'I don't mind being sick' says the guy.
'You don't understand' says the barman, 'Chunks is my dog'  ;D  ;D
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DickyD

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2006, 06:24:54 PM »


These jokes are getting worse. Should be able to put mine on soon when I can find the asterisk on this keyboard.

                                                                                                                                        Richard :-\
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Aston

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2006, 07:46:50 PM »

A blonde breaks down down in her car one night and calls out the very very nice AA man.  He takes a look under the bonnet, twiddles a few bits and asks her to try starting the car, and it fires up straight away.

She asks what the problem was and he says "nothing much, just crap in the carburettor".  Oh, she says, and how often do I have to do that  ;D




An old man goes to the confessional box and says "bless me father for I have sinned, I am 78 years old and I spent all last night in bed with two gorgeous sexy women"  :o

The priest says " well this is a new confession to me, I'm not sure what sort of penance to give you for a sin like that". 

The old man replied "It doesn't matter Father, I'm not Catholic". 
The priest asks "so why are you telling me ?",  to which the old man replies " I'm telling everybody"   ::) ::)


Smile, make people wonder what you've been up to.

Aston
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Colin Bishop

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2006, 08:09:35 PM »

Or the man who used to love farm machinery, until one day he had an unfortunate run in with a combine harvester.

Now he's an extractor fan...  :o
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laserblue16

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2006, 08:16:50 PM »

Farmer walkin through town center at 5  in the mornin. Constable stops him and asks "Where do you think you are goin with that cow at this time of the mornin?. Farmer says "I'm takin it to market to be f****d". "Where?" says the officer. so farmer lifts cows tail and says "There!!!!"
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riggers24

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2006, 08:29:48 PM »

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
                               
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider                         
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury Or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
                         
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow
I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
                               
When the entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering and silence was restored, the teacher
smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."
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Wetwater

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2006, 10:32:39 PM »

Teacher asked little Bobby why he wasn't at school yesterday.
My old granddad got burned Miss.
Oh dear, was it bad.
They don't F * * K around at the crematorium Miss.
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Alan.

warspite

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2006, 11:12:09 PM »


These jokes are getting worse. Should be able to put mine on soon when I can find the asterisk on this keyboard.

                                                                                                                                        Richard :-\

*       Try using this one , if found it spare on this keyboard, ooohh another one  *   ;D ;D ;D
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RickF

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2006, 12:08:54 AM »

Apropos Laserblue's offering.....

The vicar sees a sweet little girl leading a big fat sow down the lane. "Hello , sweet little girl, " he says. "And where are you taking that  big fat sow?"

"I'm taking it to Giles' farm," says the SLG.

"My, my," says the vicar. "And why is that?"

"Because it has to be mated, 'cos we want lots of piglets" says the SLG "So Giles' big boar is going to give it a good seeing to."

"Goodness me," says the vicar, shocked and blushing. "Couldn't your father do that?"

"Oh no," says the SLG "It has to be a boar!"
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ron h

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2006, 12:23:04 AM »

Teacher ask,s the class for another word for NICE, tommy at the back said, INDIFFERENT miss, no tommy thats not right, but Miss, I heard my mum last night say, Thats NICE, and my dad said its INDIFFERENT,  ;D ;D
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ambernblu

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2006, 07:12:25 AM »


An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO
BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"   ;D  ;D

 
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flybobby

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2006, 10:30:48 AM »

During one of his last TV interviews, Steve Irwin was asked about his favorite programmes as a kid;
"I have always been a big fan of thunderbirds, but there will always be a place in my heart for Stingray"









I'll get me coat :o
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flybobby

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Re: clean pirate joke !
« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2006, 10:42:32 AM »

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

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