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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 227456 times)

barryfoote

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Jokes & Humour II
« on: January 12, 2008, 08:08:42 pm »

Thought the previous thread was getting a little long.....Takes ages to load on my system so here goes...lets start a new Jokes line....

PHILOSOPHY AND WISDOM

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued.  "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.  The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.  Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"  The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.  Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.   :(

Topic Renamed....
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Peterm

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2008, 10:38:01 am »

I like it.   Well worth a subject re-start.   Pete M
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RickF

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2008, 01:39:47 pm »

A young man was involved in an horrific traffic accident and was on the operating table for hours. When he came round, the surgeon sat by his bed and said,"I've some bad news for you. I'm afraid that in the accident your manhood was severed and we were unable to save it. Also there are very few donors for this particular organ, so we were unable to obtain and transplant one."

"Hoverer, it's not all bad news as we have been able to perform a repair of sorts. I have a friend who is a vet at the zoo, and he was able to come up with a replacement. You see, they had this baby elephant that died and...."

"You've sewn an elephants willy on?" cried the man.

"Not exactly," replied the surgeon. "That was not possible. We actually used its trunk."

The man was stunned, but eventually came to terms with his new appendage and, in due course, was fit enough to leave hospital. Naturally he was anxious as to what his girlfriend would make of his new tackle, so he decided to take her out for a slap-up meal and break the news to her gently.

Everything went well in the restaurant until about halfway through the first course, when there was a rustle, a trunk appeared, grabbed a roll from the bread basket and dissapeared back under the table. The girlfriend was shocked, and the man was forced to explain what had happened. The girl thought for a minute, smiled, pointed to the bread basket and said "Will you do that again?"

"Sorry" said the man, "But I don't think my ar*e can handle another bread roll !"

Rick
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2008, 09:22:07 pm »


A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped
by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your
car?"    asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2008, 01:28:44 pm »

A Happy Marriage

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,'
explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a
trip   down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too
far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked
down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'


'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when   the
horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly pulled a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.


I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you crazy!?' She looked at ME, and
quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment.....  'we have lived happily every after...
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2008, 01:30:01 pm »

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady,what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done, 'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
 
'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
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elmo

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2008, 11:39:52 am »


Young  King Arthur was  ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
 neighbouring kingdom.  The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's
 youth  and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he  could
 answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to  figure out the
 answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer,  he would be put to death.
 
 The question - What do women really  want? Such a question would perplex even
 the most knowledgeable man,  and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
 query But he accepted  the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
 He  returned to his kingdom and began to ask everyone: the princess, the
 priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke to  everyone, but none
 could give him a satisfactory  answer.
 
 However, several people advised him to consult  the wise old witch, possibly
 the only person  who would know the answer.
 
 Arthur knew the price  would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the
 kingdom for  the exorbitant fees she charged for advice.  So he didn't  go to
 see her.
 
 But the last day of the year eventually  arrived and Arthur had no choice but
 to talk to the witch and pay  her fee.  She agreed to answer the question,
 but he would first  have to agree to her unusual price.
 
 The old witch wanted to  marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
 the Round Table  and Arthur's closest friend!
 
 Young Arthur was horrified. She  was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
 tooth, smelled like  sewage, made obscene noises, and had no redeeming
 characteristics.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his  life.
 
 So he refused to persuade his friend to marry her  and endure such a terrible
 burden. But Lancelot, learning of the  proposal, spoke to Arthur.  He said
 that nothing was too  big a sacrifice if it saved Arthur's life and preserved
 the Round Table.
 
 A marriage  was therefore proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
  thus:
 
 "What a woman really wants, is to be in charge of her  own life".
 
 Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the  witch had uttered a great
 truth and that Arthur's life would be  spared.
 
 And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted  Arthur his freedom and
 Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful  wedding.
 
 As the honeymoon hour approached, Lancelot  steeled himself for a horrific
 experience.  But as  he entered the bedroom. what a sight awaited him. The most
 beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The  astounded Lancelot asked her what had happened.
 
 The beauty  replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
 as a  witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half  the
 time and a beautiful maiden the other half.
 
 Which  would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or  night?
 
 Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a  beautiful woman to show
 off to his friends, but at night, in the  privacy of his castle, an old
 witch? Or, would he prefer having a  hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
 beautiful woman for  him to enjoy wonderful intimate moments?
 
 What would YOU  do?
 What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR  choice BEFORE you scroll
 Down!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Noble  Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice  herself!
 
 Upon  hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
 because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her  own life.
 
 Now....what is the moral to  this story?
 
 SCROLL  DOWN
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  Moral  -
                                                   
 If  you don't let a woman have her own way, things can get  ugly!  {-)  {-)
 
 
 
 
 
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2008, 07:19:48 pm »

By popular request I've cleaned up this topic a bit. Yes, I found the jokes funny too but they were getting a bit near the knuckle for a family website. Please put the emphasis on "Funny" rather than "Rude" - yes it is possible.... Thanks Folks.  O0
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2008, 08:58:23 am »

Engineering Question of the Day

Q.) How much does a house weigh ???

A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

 
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2008, 09:18:20 am »

Looks like he'll need a bridging loan.... :D
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RickF

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2008, 12:48:33 pm »

A man comes home from work and finds his wife struggling to mow the front lawn.

"Will you help me?" she asks.

"Do I look like Monty Don?" he replies. " Now leave that and get me my dinner!"

Next evening the man comes home, sees the lawnmower still stuck in the long grass and his wife struggling to change a flat tyre on her car.

"Can you give me a hand?"

"Do I look like the AA man. Get someone in - and hurry up with my dinner!"

The following evening he returns to find the lawn neatly mowed, the wife's car shiny clean on the drive and his dinner piping hot on the table.

"I see the lawn's been cut and your tyre changed."

"Yes, a young man came to the door and asked if I had any jobs. He mowed the lawn, mended my puncture and even polished the car."

"I hope you didn't pay him too much"

"No. When I asked him what he wanted, he said I could either let him make love to me or bake him a cake."

"What sort of cake did you make for him?"

"Do I look like Mr Kipling????"
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Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2008, 02:40:13 pm »


Brilliant  {-) {-) {-)

I fell of my chair

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Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2008, 07:34:08 pm »


A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW M3 out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.

      "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a
police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

      "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What
on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to
the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

      Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give
me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."

      The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."

      "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman


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meechingman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2008, 07:51:56 pm »

Love it!  O0
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2008, 04:47:13 pm »

The son joined the living-room.
"Dad, where do grey hairs come from?"
Dad looked up from his newspaper, felt a little chance for a general admonition and said:
"Every time, I was annoyed `bout you, I`d got a gray hair!

The son looked at him with a contemtuous smile and said:

"Don`t have asked for your grey streaks, I asked for grandfathers grey mane!"
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2008, 08:57:15 pm »

This one don`t blame on me- it was send by my mate from Kent....  :angel:


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says,  'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'


The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'


The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'




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Wetwater

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2008, 11:28:54 pm »

   Another good one.  O0 {-)  ;D
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Alan.

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2008, 07:16:08 am »

This was passed to me as a sample of English Humour. Thanks to Barry and the "Muchisits"  ::)

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American
should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you
Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the
road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b**ch out the window.
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2008, 11:15:46 am »

Brilliant.....
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bigH

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2008, 05:20:06 pm »

   Heard at the lakeside: -  'My grampy's boat has got a constipated engine in it".          Notice on club board, ' Whoever has taken the box of glue from the storeroom please bring it back as the members are stuck without it.'      Notice..  Please do not feed the ducks,  the wardens say they are getting to fat to fly ?.
Van Gogh's reply when he was asked why he had cut off his ear ?    "Pardon".           Why is an Elephant large grey and wrinkled ?    Answer,  Cos if it was small white and round it would be a bl**dy aspirin.    .

All jokes ????  courtesy of grand children.         
   
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2008, 06:56:51 pm »

"There has been complaints about the acoustics in the gents.
The committee has put traps down but we haven't caught any"
"The pies have come.  They've come on their own, so put lots of salt on 'em"
Thanks to Colin Crompton.
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2008, 11:03:23 am »

       One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
older brother. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered
from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

      Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening paper and my
brother was playing nearby when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Mother came home. Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was  'just the cutest thing!'

My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a
cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, and then she says,

'Did it ever occur to you that the  only place that baby can reach to
get water is the toilet ?........



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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2008, 07:15:33 am »

Ken, I still try to keep my gutts in...........  ::)

Brilliant stuff........  :D  :D  :D  :D
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2008, 08:38:16 am »

1. We can not switch from Football to Romantic exactly on the 14. of Feb
2. Our standard-gift, some nice lingerie will not find any acceptance.
3. If it will find any acceptance, it fits perfect and you like it you`ll be suspicious: "Who bought it for you?"
4. Shopping is definately no answer for your comprehension of a "Day of Lovers"
5. If we buy flowers, trapped by other nerds who do the same- we feel like idiots.
6. If we don`t buy flowers and will be trapped and start to stutter any excuses, we will feel like idiots too. So better feel like an idiot   but save the money for the next game of our home-club.
7. All your friends got diamonds have had a nice ring, bunches of flowers or invitations for diner? The diamonds lead the lads to be bankrupt, the bunches are 50% over the regular prices and the restaurants are usually overfilled and served by some lads who do that job as either to get their diamond-rings paid or by waitresses who have no partner or expectations in Valentines day?
8. Tears are no argument!
9. They are really no argument!!!!!
10. How about a candlelight Football-game?
11. You are a big girl, there is really no need to cry!
12. Why the `eck do you think, that Valentines-day is just for the ladies? I can`t remember that I`d ever had a present from you in the last years.... (with the exception of 1 pair of self-knitted socks, which had only matched the dog. And that "wonderfull" hand-painted tie.....)
13. Do yourself an favour (and me).... I will give you a nice day at the Beauty-farm.
14. Nope! I don`t feel like I`m not sensitive....
15. I love you dearly, even on nearly every of the other 364 days of this year. May you accept that I will surprise you on another day?
16. When I travel back in time and finde "Mr. Valentine".... and stop him at that day from doing any nonsense which leads to an annual romantic-rubbish... Is it a kill or an act of Mercy to the rest of men?
17. The Press-gangs had been forbidden in 19th century. Don`t you think that the pressure to any panic-activities of so called "adulted" is even harder as the activities of the press-gangs and should be forbidden too?

Now it`s up to you mates, gimme more reasons for ignoring Valentines day.

Jörg
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elmo

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #24 on: February 14, 2008, 08:44:20 am »


Now it`s up to you mates, gimme more reasons for ignoring Valentines day.

Jörg

When exactly is it?  ::)
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