Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length.

[Colin Bishop]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


 One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.   

 This gives two possibilities:

 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 So which is it?

 If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[catengineman]

Fantastic 

What a brain

R,

[catengineman]

Taking a Woman To BED

What is the difference betweengirls/women.
Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, 78???
 




At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story.




 
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed.




At 28 --
You don't need to tell her a story to take
her to bed.





At 38 --
She tells you a story and takes you to bed.




 
At 48 --
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.



At 58 --
You stay in bed to avoid her story.





At 68 --
If you take her to bed, that'll be the story!





At 78 --
What story??? What bed???
Who the hell are you??

[Colin Bishop]

While the last few contributions, including the one I found, have been very good I do fear that there is a risk of stepping over the line if we continue to go down this route.

Don't post anything that wouldn't make your maiden aunt Jemima laugh, it's a family orientated Forum remember.

Colin

[Ghost in the shell]

as found whilst surfing on tinterweb, (what ever that is)


How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:
Moderated  - Martin.


How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL "xxx" - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
__________________
Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no SHUT UP!!!

[Bunkerbarge]

as found whilst surfing on tinterweb, (what ever that is)

't'interweb is the part of the Internet that is found in Yorkshire.

[DickyD]

 A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
here in the United Kingdom ..
        ~~~
        Well, there's a very simple answer.
        ~~~
        Nobody bothered to check the oil.
        ~~~
        We just didn't know we were getting low.
        ~~~
        The reason for that is purely geographical.
        ~~~
        Our OIL is located in The North Sea
        ~~~

        Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

        Any Questions ???

        NO? I didn't think so!!

[dougal99]

FEMALE IT EXPERTS

[Wetwater]

    Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

    Nice one Richard. 

[OMK]

Paddy in a Glasgow pub:

"Hey, Jock, where are the toilets in this place?"
"Och', just take a pee in that fella's pocket."
"But won't he notice?"
"You didn't."

[DickyD]

Think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen --- shaking frantically -- almost in a dancing frenzy - with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
 
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current - she whacked him with a handy plank of wood -- breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment -- he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

What?!?
 STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
 
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb --  he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better????

[DickyD]

 

[gingyer]

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote


 
DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT  HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU  'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED,
SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

[Colin Bishop]

Subject: OOPS!


     His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the
local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be
waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me, is . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[White Ensign]

Hope you`ll like that one...


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
It under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws Open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself Together and approaches Lena. 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 

[roycv]

Heres one I love.
regards Roy

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and
slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to
act like President Clinton," and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
   

[Colin Bishop]

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an e xceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use an y other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is! slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[DickyD]

 A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE
 FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT
 IN THE BACK.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT
 HERE.'
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE
 IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR
 ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY
 LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
 THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I
 SPEAK BLONDE.'
 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.'
 AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
 WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
 'I TOLD HER,  'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '.

[dougal99]

I was having trouble with my computer, So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error. 'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied.
Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'






So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric

[dougal99]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Colin Bishop]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Martin (Admin)]

         

[barryfoote]

BLONDES......
A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field

standing alone, while all the the other kids are running around having fun.

 
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'Are you OK?' she

says.
 

'Yes.' he says.

 
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' She says.

 
'It's best I stay here.' he says.

 
'Why?' says the blonde.


The boy says: 'Because I'm the flipping goalie'

 

[dougal99]

Test Question





      This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



                   The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a    decision.



                   Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.



                    Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.



                   THE SITUATION:





                   You are in England , York to be specific.



                   There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane
with severe flooding.



                    This is a flood of biblical proportions.



                   You are a photo-journalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this   
epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



                   You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

                   There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing into the water.

                   Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.







                   THE T ES T:

                   Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

                    He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken
down with the debris.

                   You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

                   You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options:



                   You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot
a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most powerful men!





                   THE QU ES TION:



                   Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...











                   Would you select high contrast color film, or would you
go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[catengineman]

   Black & White

a much more dramatic photo 

R,