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[barryfoote]

It's a cracker..

[Wetwater]

    Nice one.   

[d-jnana]

Tuesday afternoon a motorcycle policeman is sitting on his bike at the side of the raod, when a car driven by a blonde ambles by with what appears to be a fully grwon male lion in the passenger seat.
Wishing to satisfy his curiosity the officer sets off after the acr and pulls it over. On closer inspection the worthy officer sees that it is indeed a lion, so he asks the driver.
"Madam where are you taking that lion."
the blonde replies
"I thought he looked hungry , so I thought I'd take him home for dinner."
"dinner?Dinner? " splutters the policeman " If I where you I'd take him straight to the zoo."
The blonde looks a crestfallen but says she will follow his suggestion, and drives off.

Next day the same officer is on duty in the same place, when the same car with the same blonde, and the same lion drives by.
having once more pulled the car over the policeman incredulously asks the blonde.
"What are you doing, I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo."
the blonde replies
"I did, and he enjoyed it so much that I thought he might like to go to the cinema today."


GARY

[DickyD]

GCSE Answers


The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. 
 
 These are genuine answers ( from 16 year olds )

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.G. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head   

[grasshopper]

Seem alright to me - did he pass?

[Captain Jack]

Yeah, but I'd bet each one could hack into your computer and make your day miserable! LOL

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't arrive. Sam didn't think much about it and thought
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week
or  so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got
together  was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find  out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam thought he had seen the last of Bill, but one
day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold - there sat Bill!  Sam was
very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying
out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" exclaimed Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

 "Yes," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got to court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

"and that bl**dy judge gave  me 30 days for perjury."

[Colin Bishop]

If you go down to the woods tonight....

[catengineman]

I'll bear that in mind   

R,

[barryfoote]

Okay , so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Dunnes Stores' Employee: 'Hello 'dis Dunnes Store's, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Dunnes Stores' Employee: 'Whatchu want ondacake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' And underneath that 'We will miss you'.



And I got this from an Irishman....

[Martin (Admin)]

Answers to fllow....  :)

[DickyD]

BATHROOM  PAINTED FLOOR!!!

IMAGINE  YOU ARE AT A PARTY ......

Tenth  floor of a hi-rise building.....

AND  THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

You open the door...NOW, REMEMBER

THE  FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED  FLOOR!

KINDA  TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....

DOESN'T  IT?



Would  this mess up your mind???    Would you be able to walk  in 
To  this bathroom???

[DickyD]

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE. 

THIS IS A  CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE..



 
 

[Martin (Admin)]

Answers to fllow....  :)

[dreadnought72]

Ahh...I got "2" wrong. I slapped a stroke across the "=" sign, turning it into "doesn't equal". Can I have my mark for that, please? ;-)

Andy

[DickyD]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A lady came
in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a
seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have

lost it and need a new one.'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had
always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of
paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
to another car which had its hood up and asked her, 'Is there a 710 on this
car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is click the link below:

http://www.mountainwings.com/pics/710.jpg

[andyn]

Hehe

[roycv]

Hi all, thought you might like this one,
regards Roy

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "wait, just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "What have you done? You can't be fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you did just that!!! ?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[malcolmfrary]

Extracts from "letters to the council".


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.  I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

 

[catengineman]

 

[Colin Bishop]

The driver was stopped for speeding and tried to talk the cop out of it until the officer looked inside the car.....

[White Ensign]

Colin- I was a bit astonished about the humour of the British policemen. Had been with a mate in Kent on our way and he was a bit to fast. He was then stopped for speeding and tried to excuse himself by "Having urgently a pee". The policeman answered: "Fair enough- now you`re in deep Sh**".  ::)

This would never happen to you with a German policeman. They seem to be something like the "Terminator", robotronic-cops. (Did you have seen this boy? I`m coming back").... Hasta la vista, baby......

[Martin (Admin)]

Found this gif very funny for some unknown reason..... 

                         

[John W E]

   Subject: ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in  Louisiana .  He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in  Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air h ose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the
bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the c ommunicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface ce to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[amdaylight]

LMAO  Poor Guy

Andre