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[RickF]

A Texas rancher was touring the UK, and visited a stately home. He was so impressed by the beautiful green lawns that he asked to speak to the head gardener. When the old boy was found, the Texan asked him the secret of his wonderful grass.

"There is no secret," replied the gardener.

"Aw, come on," said the Texan. "There must be a secret. Tell you what, I'll pay a thousand dollars if you give me the secret of your lawns."

The gardener thought for a while, then agreed, but asked for the cash up front. The Texan pulled out his wallet and gave him the money.

"Right," said the gardener. "First you prepare the soil..."

"Ah," said the Texan. "So it's special soil - that's the secret."

"No," replied the gardener, "Any old soil will do - just rake it over.Then you put down some fertiliser..."

"Special fertiliser?" asked the Texan, "That's the secret?"

"No," said the gardener, "Any old horse muck will do.Then you sow the seed..."

"Ah," said the Texan, "So it's special seed - that's the secret."

"No," replied the gardener, "Any seed will do. Then you water it..."

"You use a special liquid feed?" asked the Texan, "That's the secret?"

"No," said the gardener, "Just ordinary rain water. Then you mow the lawn."

"Ah," said the Texan, "a special mower - that's the secret."

"No," said the gardener, "Any old mower will do. You just mow every week, for four hundred years - that's the secret!"

Rick

[meechingman]

German humour, we've all heard about it, or the supposed lack of it. Having worked for a German company I can tell you that there's no lack, but it's different to our sense of humour.

Here's an example, sent to me by a German friend on another forum.

A German guy parks his new Mercedes outside a baker’s shop and goes inside. He shows the baker the car and asks if he can bake a cake that looks like the Merc. The baker tells him to come back in a couple of days.

The guy comes back and, sure enough, the baker has finished the cake. “It’s great” says the guy, “but could you make it so the doors open and close?” The baker tells him to come back in two days.

Two days later, the guy comes back and there is the cake, complete with opening doors. “Fantastic” says the guy, “but do you think you could make it so that if I turn the steering wheel, the front wheels turn too?” “Hmmm” says the baker, “that’s tricky, but come back in three days.”

Three days later, the guy returns and there is the car, with opening doors and fully working steering. “Wunderbar” says the guy, “that’s exactly what I wanted!”

“Thank you sir” says the baker. “Would you like me to put it in a box for you?”
“Oh no” says the guy. “I’ll eat it on the way home!”

Does that work over here??

[TugCowboy]

.....no, no I don't think it does!

Confused of Sussex

[Martin (Admin)]

...sort of!
 But I think it would have had a different punch line.... something to do with petrol prices or Road Tax.... :)

[White Ensign]

Meechingman, I know that joke but depending on the double-meaning of words or senses- you`ll never catch up the joke in a different language anyway.
And while we are talking about it, the sense of humour is different and most of them belong on the differences of the dialect. And that`s untranslateable.....  ::)

Jörg

[MCAT]

A  man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
 He shouts, 'This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!' and proceeds
 to empty the cash drawers.
 
 
 As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
 his balaclava.   The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
 and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
 
 
 The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
 goes over and shoots him in the head also.
 
 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
 There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
 distant corner..
 
 
 
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 'I think  my missus caught a glimpse....'

[White Ensign]

.... and when the robber had a look in her face he turned around and shot himself? ::)

[grasshopper]

Woman walks into the lounge and 'lamps' husband with a frying pan
When he recovers  he says ' what the hell was that for?'
"I just been doing the washing and a slip of paper fell out your pocket with the name Mary Ellen on it"
'I can explain that ' he says rubbing the back of his head ' I went to the bookies, I got a tip from a mate and the horse's name was Mary Ellen!'
Happy with the explanation the wife apologises's for jumping to the wrong conclusion and they 'make up'

Next day, wife walks into the lounge and seriously lamps husband with bigger frying pan
When he comes round an hour later he mumbles 'what was that for?'

"Your flamin' horse rang this morning!!!"

[White Ensign]

... are there races with Rottweilers as well?  ::)

[DickyD]

  Only in Oz.

[tigertiger]

I may have posted this before, and so forgive me if i have.

True story.
When I was a Shanghai University studying Chinese, I started chatting to one of the guys in another class.
I could tell from his accent that he was either from Australia or New Zealand.
Having upset Kiwis in the past I asked him 'What part of the Antipodes are you from?'.

To which he answered.....
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'I'm not'


'I'm from Australia'

[roycv]

Hi Tiger2  I do not wish to be pedantic and no offence intended  but the antipodes refers to the other side of the world from where you are!

I think he was right, which being an Ozzy ...................

If you are in China then the antipodes is somewhere around Brazil or maybe just at sea.

But who am I, just someone who checks the humour first on this forum.  Keep them coming.
regards to all Roy

[omra85]

Well, you learn something new every day - even in the Humour section.
I always thought that Aust/NZ had an "area" name of 'the Antipodes' but after only 60 yrs of being wrong, now find that the meaning is as Roy says!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antipodes
Thanks lads

Danny

[barryfoote]

Well I'll be blowed.....Learn something everyday we do...

[Roger in France]

Wikipedia is of course not always right.

What it really means is, "If I dig a hole straight down where will I arrive?" To which the answer is, "Somewhere hot as Hell". Though I must be quick to point out that I do not support such a concept as the existence of Hell!

Roger in France.

[Martin (Admin)]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch,
and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an
argument for us'.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said,...

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...................... ' Burrr-Gurrr-King'

[Damien]

In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was
reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief"
Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him.
The old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day."
They agreed and three days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you
$75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back
with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to
have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the
worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." But
we don't understand, what happen to him?" Well a crew from the Navy
base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him
Master Chief , and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever
since.

[Bee]

So in China Japan is also known as Scandinavia and the Iberian peninsula is somewhere around Vietnam.

Just checking  ::)

[Bee]

George Bush gave his opening speech at the Beijing Olympics.
He started, "Ooooo, Oooooo, Ooooo" at which point one of his staff leaned over and said, "Mr President that's the Olympic logo, your speech is underneath!!"

[catengineman]

Bee, Think thats probably true   

R,

[White Ensign]

Bee, I heard that all before- but the joke was a bit different. One of his secretaries, knowing the George W. Bush is sometimes a bit.... "absent", had clipped a copy of his speech under his tie. "So", she whispered, "whenever you are not sure what to say- just make ermmmm or Hrmmm, do as you have to think about your own words and have a look under your tie.
So in his opening speech he started with: "Ladies and Gentlemen.....", and missed the words. So he remembered his secretary and had a carefull look under his tie: "Mens Fashion by Wal-Mart", he carried on. "30% cotton, 70% polyester... and don`t wash it. Thankyou very much for your patience, Ladies and Gentlemen. May the games begin".


Jörg

[dougal99]

Tales from the Old West


The sheriff watched through half closed eyes as the dusty stranger rode into
town, dismounted and hitched his horse to the rail outside the saloon. He
was astonished to see the stranger walk to the back of his horse lift its
tail and kiss it where the sun don't shine.

Hey stranger you must really love that horse, said the sherriff

Not really, but I've got chapped lips, replied the starnger

That helps cure them?, asked the sherriff

Nope, but it sure stops me licking them!

***Moderators note by TT*** This is sailing very close to the wind. Remember this is a family site.

[omra85]

 Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both ***Moderated*** are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of ***Moderated***.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



***Moderators note to all, by TT***
Please remember this is a family forum folks.
As a guide ModelBoatMayhem has decided on a basic standard of - Jokes that we wouldn't to explain to a 10 year old, of either gender, are out.
Even if the are very funny. We hope you understand.

[catengineman]

Can I get away with these ?


Q: What do electric train sets and ***Moderated*** have in common?
 
A: ***Nope***
 
Q: What are a woman’s four favourite animals?
 
A: ***Nope***


Although very funny to some of us, we are on a slippery slope. Mayhem hopes everybody understands why we need to moderate humour.
Regards
Tigertiger
Moderator

If you really want to know the answers I am sure if you PM Catengineman he will tell you.

[grasshopper]

difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac and a wife?

hooker:      'you finished yet?'
nympho:     'you finished!!?'



wife:          'beige, I think we'll have the kitchen beige'