A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
> to their passengers....
>
> 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
> I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
> Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
>
> 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
> from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
> you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
>
> 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
> that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
> The
> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
> and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
>
> 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay, but there is a
> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
> the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
> 'Ten green bottles hanging on the wall.....'."
>
> 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street station... As you can
> see, Baker Street station is closed. It would have been nice if they had
> actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
> about things like that".
>
> 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
> professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
> registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
>
> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
>
>
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ..) "Oh go on then,
> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
>
> 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
> 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
> instructions."
>
> 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
> some idiot has jammed his bags into the doors."
>
> 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
> door."
>
> 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
> second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
> understand?"
>
> 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
> move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal
> message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
> train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away
> from the
> door before I come down there and shove them up your backside sideways!"
> 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
> allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
> joint,
> it's only fair that you pass it round to the rest of the carriage."
