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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 227488 times)

DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #325 on: December 05, 2008, 03:44:17 pm »

 Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!


Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.


Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.


Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.


Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.


Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.


Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try de-lousing the closet in your own room.


Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.


Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.


Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.


If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

If you can read this in English - Thank a soldier!!
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #326 on: December 05, 2008, 03:49:55 pm »

 FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS:
>
> 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
> bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
>  for  the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
> gas
> used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
> Telegraph)
>
>  2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
> in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
> missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
>
> 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
>
> 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
> was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
>
> 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
> worker and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
> sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
> had just
> blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
>
>  6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience
> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
> week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
> recalled.
> "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
> the
> middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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oldiron

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #327 on: December 05, 2008, 04:50:57 pm »

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


  How true this is! Three cheers.

John
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #328 on: December 05, 2008, 11:10:29 pm »

Paddy and Seamus talking a walk over the cemetery, reading thumbstones.
After a while Paddy gave a whistle: "Jeysus, this lad was about 152!", he nodded.
"What`s his name", asked Seamus?

"Miles From London", Paddy replied.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #329 on: December 06, 2008, 02:35:04 am »

 {-) :-))
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #330 on: December 07, 2008, 11:46:30 am »


 


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.



So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."



"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:


SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING




Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY




That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.



The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."



So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!



 
 
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Wetwater

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #331 on: December 07, 2008, 10:45:47 pm »

     :-))  {-)   O0
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #332 on: December 10, 2008, 12:22:45 pm »

Whoah - that's a brave guy!  :o
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Hagar

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #333 on: December 10, 2008, 12:56:03 pm »

Which one :o
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bosun

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #334 on: December 10, 2008, 01:01:46 pm »

Ian M,
 :-)) :-)) :-)) {-)
Bosun
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #335 on: December 10, 2008, 04:23:18 pm »

... it should be that the Italians make the amore, the British bring the humour, the French the diner, the Swedish should do the planing and the Germans the work.

The Parliament in Brussel found this to burdened with prerogatives and and came to the following conclusion:

The Germans bring the humour,
the Italians do the work,
the British prepare the diner,
the Swedish the wine
and the French do the planing.

This conclusion doesn`t make me wonder- just have a look about the politicians sitting in there....
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #336 on: December 11, 2008, 07:36:31 pm »

St. Peter was sitting at the Pearly gates, when he heard a knocking.
He opened the door and looked at a gentleman who said: "Hello. My name is Huuuuuuuuu......." and he fade to grey and disappeared.
St. Peter was shaking his head and locked the door.

Some seconds later again a knocking.
He opened and the same Gentleman was lifting his hat by saying: "Hello, my name is Huuuuuu...." and again he fade to grey.

After the 4th time St. Peter had enough and went to the Lord for a claim.
Godfather listened to him, put his hand on St. Peters shoulder saying: "How long do you now make this job? How many passed on by? Didn`t this job had teached you patience?"

St. Peter looked down on the floor, when the Lord said to him:

"His name is Hugo Smiths. He had a heavy car-accident some minutes ago and the Ambulance is trying to re-animate him".
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #337 on: December 19, 2008, 07:30:18 pm »

A guy entered a butcher-store.
"Mo`ning, Si`", the butcher replied. "How may help ya?"

"Well, a liversausage", was the reply. "But I want it from the fat and raw, please".

"Sorr` Si`", was the reply, `" she`s out for vocational school t`day".
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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #338 on: January 08, 2009, 09:53:48 pm »

Audio joke - work your own politically correct accents out  %)

Sheamus McPolanski got a job at the building site.  At the end of the first day, he went to the foreman and asked if he could have some oil, as the wheel on his wheelbarrow was going "Squeak......     Squeak......     Squeak".
"You're fired" said the foreman!
"What, just for asking for a bit of oil?" asks Sheamus.
-
-
"No" says the foreman - "it's because it SHOULD be going - SqueeSqueeSqueeSqueeSquee"!

Danny
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #339 on: January 09, 2009, 10:52:57 am »

Many years ago I was on holiday in Rhyl, and, walking past a building site heard a guy shoving a barrow up a plank, as they do.  The wheel was squeaking, and reminded me of that very joke.  I smiled.  If any joke can make you smile in Rhyl.........
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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #340 on: January 09, 2009, 11:05:37 am »

Many years ago I worked in Rhyl.
Those were the days. :embarrassed:
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grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #341 on: January 09, 2009, 04:51:24 pm »

It's not any P45




it's an M & S P45
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portside II

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #342 on: January 12, 2009, 03:49:41 pm »

Heard this on radio 2 this morning ,

Bloke with an emu goes into a restaraunt ,orders a meal for them both from the waitress
After their food the waitress brings them the bill and the bloke takes out exactly the right amount of money and pays
this goes on for a week having the same thing from the menu,and every time is comes to paying the bloke takes the exact amount of money from his pocket
then one day he goes in with the emu and orders something different from the menu , and at the end of the meal the waitress comes with the bill and the bloke reaches into his pocket and takes out the exact amount of money
the waitress is curious and asks him how he allways has the exact money in his pocket
Ahh says the bloke ,last week i found an old lamp in the attic and when i rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes
my first wish was to allways have the right amount of money in my pocket for whatever i wanted to buy, And what about the emu ?asks the waitress.
Oh my second wish was a bird with long legs
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andrewh

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #343 on: January 16, 2009, 08:24:39 am »

So this woman goes into a bar and says to he barman "Give me a "Double Entendre""

-so he gives her one.
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gingyer

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #344 on: January 17, 2009, 12:36:05 pm »



Got this sent to me

I think I need to invest in a new wardrope  :} :}
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catengineman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #345 on: January 17, 2009, 04:16:23 pm »

I think I will as well      (but I wont tell anyone) :-)) :}


R,
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #346 on: January 17, 2009, 08:46:22 pm »

... when did they have been in my workshop for that movie??? :police:
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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #347 on: January 17, 2009, 10:56:23 pm »

I bet you can get the Schwaben Bräu tent inside your wardrobe  %) %) {-) {-)

Danny
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #348 on: January 18, 2009, 01:07:58 am »

I want a wardrobe like that (the beer, not the shoes)  %%

Peter.
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #349 on: January 18, 2009, 08:25:55 am »

Danny, never Schwaben Bräu! What a brew... :P

Prefer red wine in Winter and a good, cold wheatbeer in summer..., Rothaus....

 {-)
Jörg
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