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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 227508 times)

DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #500 on: July 24, 2009, 06:42:07 pm »

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
 

 
 
....... .. … … ..   …..
.. .  . …    .   .     . .   .  .. . ..  ….   .. . . …    ..
...  ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... .. ... ... ... ..... .. .
..     .  .  … . .   . .  ..
... . .... ...  .... .... ..
...... .... ... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . ....  ....
. ..     . 
.   .      ..   . ..           .               ..
....... ... .. ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ...
.  .. . .
.. ...
..  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … ..
..  .... .. ... ... .......  ......  .....

Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said “
. ..  .  .  . . .. … .. .. . . ....  ....”
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #501 on: July 24, 2009, 10:52:57 pm »

Dicky is that a touchy feely joke or what?
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portside II

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #502 on: July 25, 2009, 12:29:11 am »

hey Richard , could you translate please me no good with morse/brail .
and i am too lazy  :D
daz
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RickF

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #503 on: July 25, 2009, 09:22:57 am »

Reminds me of the old one:

Cliff Richard gave Stevie Wonder a cheesegrater for Christmas.

Stevie reckons it's the best book he's ever read!

Rick

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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #504 on: July 27, 2009, 06:24:54 pm »

  At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.
 His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from  Whitehall to the National Railway    Museum at York ,to investigate the possibilities.
 "They have a number of locomotives at the National Railway Museum without  names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.
 "Mostly freight locomotives though."
 "Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big  green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.
 "That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying  Scotsman'."
  "Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
 "I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "Afte all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of  the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't   spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
 Well, said the  consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

        
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #505 on: July 27, 2009, 06:49:56 pm »

Like it!  :-))
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #506 on: July 28, 2009, 02:03:07 am »

 :-)) :-))
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The long Build

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #507 on: July 28, 2009, 01:30:07 pm »

That is so Good Dicky D.


How true this is!
 
1.Teaching Maths In 1970.
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980.A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990.
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000.
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005.
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate, and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment:
Discuss how might the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009.
A logger is  arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to other religious groups not consulted in the felling
license. He is fined a £100 Because his chainsaw is in breach of Health & Safety legislation, and is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for more than 20 years without incident. However, he does not have the correct certificate of competence, and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and
habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled, and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests, and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released, he returns to find that gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off, but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned, and fined a further £100. While he is in jail, the gypsies cut down the rest of his wood, and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant, and depart, leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on
release is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains, and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace, and invoiced £12000 plus VAT for safe-disposal costs by a regulated
government contractor.
Your assignment:
How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is  never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on the dole, and
live off the State for  the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010.
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber, because he can't get a
loan to buy a new lorry. His bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of  securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama, and lost the lot; they have only some  government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1200 road tax on his old lorry: however, because it was built in the
1970's, it no longer meets the emissions regulations, and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap
merchant, and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage, and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned, they speak no English, and it is easier to deport them at the Government's expense. Following their holiday back home, they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls, and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and, because his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers because bonuses are not cheap. The Parliamentarians feel they are
missing out, and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths!!!
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andyn

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #508 on: July 28, 2009, 04:23:39 pm »

Someone's been reading sickipedia ;)
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dsquire

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #509 on: July 28, 2009, 09:13:29 pm »

Good one! :-))

There is more truth to that than most people care to admit.

Cheers

Don



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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #510 on: July 29, 2009, 07:13:02 pm »

A man owned a small hill farm in the West of Ireland The Department of Employment claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works  about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around  here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

That would be me then' replied the farmer.
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #511 on: July 29, 2009, 08:45:44 pm »

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice fellow,' the Leprechaun says to himself. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want ... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, y ou know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more,the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #512 on: July 29, 2009, 09:40:27 pm »

Keep it clean chaps. ;)
We don't want it sliding downhill. %)

Family forum  :}
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #513 on: August 05, 2009, 11:43:30 am »

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Brian_C

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #514 on: August 06, 2009, 09:30:12 pm »


  the "girls" next door gave me a rolex for my birthday,,, i think they missunderstood when i said,         i wanna watch  {-)
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #515 on: August 07, 2009, 06:22:10 pm »

How To Give A Cat A Pill   
 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Neck another shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom. 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 

13. Tie the little xxxxxxx's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be though about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15 . Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss in the air.


I know this this on here already but I need a laugh at the end of the week and this always does it for me!   :-))

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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #516 on: August 07, 2009, 06:54:07 pm »

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
in1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video
I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were
with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I
am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and
will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the
one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's
on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four
passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill
out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years,
and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and
the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was
Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologize Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between
you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house,
then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of
Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just
want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND
to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated
to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a
new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe
make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then find some "idoit" to confirm that it's really me
on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to
smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances
which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime
Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have
been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
--
you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical
degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen!
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Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #517 on: August 07, 2009, 08:08:30 pm »


From 
The Inland Revenue


Dear Mr Jones,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations

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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #518 on: August 19, 2009, 10:03:51 pm »

Martin's new picture reminded me of an old joke -

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Rats, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #519 on: August 19, 2009, 11:09:58 pm »

 {-) {-) {-)
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #520 on: August 21, 2009, 09:39:34 am »

With tongue firmly in cheek....

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
 These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 Q. Name the four seasons
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
 A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 Q. How is dew formed
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
 A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

 Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs                                       

 Q. What happens to your body as you age
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery                   

 Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
 A. Premature death

 Q. What is artificial insemination
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
 A. Keep it in the cow                                                                                       

 Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen)
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
     The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains
      the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U                                                                   

 Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie

 Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
 A. Nearby

 Q. What is the most common form of birth control
 A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium                         

 Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor.                                                                                     

 Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport.                                                                 

 Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
 A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

 Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                                                 

 Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

  Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #521 on: August 22, 2009, 12:43:35 am »

 {-) {-) {-) {-)

That's those West Country people for you (my brother-in-law comes from Wiltshire  O0 )

Peter.
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #522 on: August 22, 2009, 05:58:33 pm »

The West Country doesn't start until Dorset and even that's a little too oriental.  :-))



Doug

Devon dumpling through and through
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #523 on: August 24, 2009, 03:39:15 pm »


"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #524 on: August 24, 2009, 05:18:01 pm »

Why, ---------- dont they ?  {:-{
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