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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 227474 times)

grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #75 on: March 10, 2008, 09:11:11 pm »

Bloke walks into his GP's office and says "Help me Doc, I keep thinking I'm a moth" doc replies 'I can't help you, you really need a psychiatrist'


"Yes maybe - but your light was on"




radio 2 in the morning.....you gotta love it.
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #76 on: March 10, 2008, 09:12:15 pm »

You know Bryan, I remember seeing that cartoon when it was published - remind me!
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #77 on: March 10, 2008, 09:15:26 pm »

Bryan, I take it as a blame that you mentioned... "it apears, that scratchbuilders are mad".

YES WE ARE MAD!!!  O0
Otherwise we would not do everything scratch!!!!!!  :D :D :D


Jörg
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Proteus

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #78 on: March 11, 2008, 02:16:36 am »

fun
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #79 on: March 11, 2008, 12:42:55 pm »

A rather specialist one this......but at least I won't get banned  {-) {-)

A tourist visting London,walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there a police sergeant walked in and said to the shop keeper, "Il'l take a Traffic patrol monkey please". "That will be £ 5,ooo".

The tourist looked at the shop keeper and said, "That is a lot of money for a monkey,why did it cost so much?",  "Ah ,that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments notice, knows all there is to know about traffic legislation and is  authorised by the Chief of police in pursuit driving. Well worth the money".

Then the tourist saw a monkey in another cage which was even more expensive!   " £10.000!! What dose it do?". "That one is an instructor in basic firearms skills to other monkeys, Counter Terrorism training, physical  training, Small Unit Tactics and it can even type. All  the really  useful stuff".

The tourist turned and saw another monkey with a £15.000 price tag. "That one must be even better?". "That one is a general duties monkey. He is required to know everything  about anything, be there yesterday , and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same reports about everything that the old monkeys cannot see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for other monkeys wrong doing".

The tourist spots the last monkey with a price tag £50.000 more than all the others put together! "What on earth does that one do?". The shopkeeper replied. "Well, so far it has done absolutely "xxxxx" all, but it says its a DETECTIVE!!!
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kit1947

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #80 on: March 11, 2008, 12:50:22 pm »

Gooday Mr Footski
Was that last one anything to do with what you did before you skipped to the Costa del Crime ? No offence meant. ;)
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Bryan Young

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #81 on: March 11, 2008, 05:22:10 pm »

You know Bryan, I remember seeing that cartoon when it was published - remind me!
I did mention that when I was attemping to "get it on"...I think it is from Model Maker 1959! Cheers, BY....p.s. Still seems apposite.
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #82 on: March 11, 2008, 07:40:30 pm »

Gooday Mr Footski
Was that last one anything to do with what you did before you skipped to the Costa del Crime ? No offence meant. ;)

Well now .....being a rather private person, I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me......

Barry
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #83 on: March 14, 2008, 01:19:27 pm »


The Welsh mining industry is set for a comeback.
   Apparently they've found some "copper" in Snowdonia....
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #84 on: March 14, 2008, 02:49:01 pm »

A couple of geniuses
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #85 on: March 14, 2008, 02:49:01 pm »

 Spoons.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #86 on: March 14, 2008, 03:59:24 pm »


The Welsh mining industry is set for a comeback.
   Apparently they've found some "copper" in Snowdonia....


Ouch...........Good........but ouch......
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #87 on: March 17, 2008, 05:55:26 pm »

New kind of Motocross!!!!! Look out for the Berm!!!!




This Driver has been in Canada but a few months.




The driver has only been in Canada a few months, and obtained his license through a driving school that only teaches immigrants. He had missed his turn by Brandon MB, and thought he could go over the hill and continue on the road. Apparently he didn't know there were railway tracks on top of the grade.




The truck's owner estimates that the driver had to hit the angle at over 55 miles an hour in order to make the top. If you look close at some of the pictures you will see that it is only when the large reefer trailer pinched the rear tires of the truck that the truck stopped.


This picture shows the tracks going through the field, to get there. What genius!











 
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Stavros

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #88 on: March 17, 2008, 10:13:31 pm »


The Welsh mining industry is set for a comeback.
   Apparently they've found some "copper" in Snowdonia....


Martin I just don't know if I should even comment on this one seoing as we sail close by


Stavros
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grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #89 on: March 17, 2008, 11:20:26 pm »

Moderated

***Moderated***
The second part of this post is sailing a bit too close to the wind.
A sensitive topic in some quarters
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #90 on: March 18, 2008, 03:31:28 pm »

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous Activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. 

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended
 
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #91 on: March 18, 2008, 04:01:51 pm »

Officer and Gentleman


I don't think so.

Saddened

Doug
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Colin H

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #92 on: March 18, 2008, 09:58:28 pm »

Officer and a Gentleman a Very Big YES.

I love it when somebody puts a sharp pointy stick in to a PC indoctrinated TWERP.

A very happy ex soldier, ex sports shooter.


Colin H.
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Peterm

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #93 on: March 19, 2008, 09:21:35 am »

Colin H, Me too!  Pete M
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #94 on: March 19, 2008, 04:12:14 pm »

Officer and a Gentleman a Very Big YES.

A very happy ex soldier,


NOT in my mess

Held the Queen's commission for 38 years

Doug
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Colin H

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #95 on: March 19, 2008, 04:33:31 pm »

Sorry to disagree Doug but I do.

She was being a twerp and was quite rightly put in her place. The media seems to want to control how we think and what we do with very little regard for facts and truth.

You may not agree with how it was done and that is your prerogative, but seemed a bit Churchillian to me.


Yours Colin H.
Ex Sgts mess you know the guys who look after the chaps in the officers mess.
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #96 on: March 19, 2008, 05:24:51 pm »

but seemed a bit Churchillian to me.


Thanks for the compliment.  O0

Quote

Ex Sgts mess you know the guys who look after the chaps in the officers mess.

End quote

Oh, I thought they were stewards  {-)


Seriously, I don't go with the PC thing, but if a General can't get his point across without being insulting then he should keep quiet.

JMO

Doug
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #97 on: March 19, 2008, 05:31:03 pm »

 {-)
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Proteus

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #98 on: March 19, 2008, 05:33:06 pm »


The Welsh mining industry is set for a comeback.
   Apparently they've found some "copper" in Snowdonia....


Ouch...........Good........but ouch......

So after you said it was good why did you then say

Moderated you say....Not good enough for me it should be totally removed. I don't want to read such offensive rubbish about a man who devoted his whole adult life to public service and who died in such sad circumstances..

Fredy
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #99 on: March 19, 2008, 07:26:21 pm »


The Welsh mining industry is set for a comeback.
   Apparently they've found some "copper" in Snowdonia....


Ouch...........Good........but ouch......

So after you said it was good why did you then say

Moderated you say....Not good enough for me it should be totally removed. I don't want to read such offensive rubbish about a man who devoted his whole adult life to public service and who died in such sad circumstances..

Fredy
I think that is self explanetary. One is meant to be humerous and even though in poor taste is so. The other could never be constued as humerous. It could and does only offend right minded people. Sorry but that is how I feel and wil not enter into any further discussion about it...

Barry
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