I didn't actually start any wars...well, not major ones anyway, more like spats with SWMBO, and that is quite enough for me.
Referring back a bit; travelling as a passenger in a service helo is not quite the same as hopping on to a jet to Majorca. First requirement is a "flying suit". No shorts and stuffed donkeys here. Failing a "proper" fliying suit (khaki thing with lots of pockets and knee pads and so on) a cleanish white boilersuit will suffice. No nylon clothing (especially socks) as in the event of a fire the nylon will melt and fuse (permanently) into the skin. DMS boots. (Direct Moulded Sole) and a proper lifejacket if flying over water. The standard RN issue type (comes in a pouch that is impossible to re-pack once opened!) is sort of OK, but the aircrew waistcoat type is better. I had been supplied with one of these (just "in case"...). Then you will need a set of ear defenders. I always managed to lose mine as when I got into an aircraft I was given a set that plugged in so I could talk to the aircrew. Still, they're cheap enough, so no sleep lost there.
And so to meet SNOWIE. A very urbane chap in immaculate whites (had to live up to his moniker, I suppose) and me looking, well, a bit less than immaculate would be being polite. A little bit of blah-blah followed by a clearing of the throat. Oh,oh, I thought. Here we go, what's next.
"Ahem", We are a little short of spaces on the transport aircraft at the moment, and we have some people here who need to rejoin their units...can you help?"....."How many"...."About 25"...."What are they?"...."Um, various" (no clues there). Oh, dear, more "doubling-up", but as it wouldn't be for very long and the fact that in a few days the crew would be on the "war-bonus", I didn't expect too many complaints. OK. That's his problem sorted. I should have known better after all these years working with these sods who are trained in the art of duplicity from an early age. (They are more commonly known as Royal Navy Officers..and this one had "served his time"). "Ah, before I forget, we have a bit more cargo for you". Well, big-mouth me, always willing to help, says "OK, we still have a lot of space". Big Ooops. "Well, we have a few Cluster Bombs we need delivering"...."F...! How many?"...."Four lifts"...well, that didn't sound too bad. I imagined a Wessex or a Sea King (except most of them were already deployed), so I asked "What aircraft?"...."Chinook"....Oh, "xxxxx". Both the Wessex and the Sea King can carry 1 underslung load, but the Chinook carries 2. So instead of 4 loads I could expect 8 large nets full of cluster bombs. Now a cluster bomb is not a titchy wee thing. More like a full sized beer barrel. Oh, well, needs must I suppose. Next I had to explain this to the "Stones" who understandably went a bit ape-poo. The Chinook is a rather large aircraft. Well, there are 2 versions...but this was going to one of the big ones. "Laertes" was not designed to operate with any aircraft, never mind a bloody Chinook......especially as they were going to be operating with the standard 30' hoists, therefore operating at somewhat less than 30' above the deck. I couldn't risk the ships company with this as a) a large double underslung load is a lot different from a bag of mail. b) this was weaponry. c) As yet I didn't know if I had an experienced flight deck crew embarked. The crew were a bit miffed at first, but once they were organised into rigging fire hose, shot mats and so on they began to realise their limitations. But their main task was to shift the huge Heavy Lift derrick from its normal stowage position (ie leaning forwards) to a position where it leaned aft. That exercise kept them busy for a while. (Much sucking of gums again, and I guess I wasn't the most popular guy on board at the time). If the big derrick had been left leaning forward then the rotor blade clearance would have been down to a couple of feet, now it was about 8' Not much, but the best we could do. Another problem that was not immediately obvious to the ships Officers was the fact we were swinging to a single anchor, and while aircraft generally come in "into wind" (fortunately non to speak of here) and the ship was lying head to the slight breeze and sea then the aircreaft would have to approach from the starboard beam. Not comfortable for the guys on deck, but even trickier for the aircrew..especially given the minimal rotor clearance. Only those "new" guys and us RFA people knew that the rotor downwash would affect the ship, effectively blowing it a bit sideways and slewing it a little. And you always get the gawpers. Understandable I suppose, but very much a hindrance. So we were ready...or as ready as we could be. The sheer size and noise of the aircraft on its first approach obviously scared the whatsits out of some people. (I imagine that this very problem was why RN and RFA personnel were appointed to these commercial ships in the first place). The 1st and 2nd nets were landed successfully on the hatch covers, chocked as well as we could and the helo strop released from the aircraft end. The strop could be recovered later, but having it in place kept the net together...thank goodness. Then the hard work. The ships cranes then had to be traversed and the nets (plus bombs) lifted and lowered to the deck alongside the hatches, strip off the shot mats and open the hatch covers. Then lift and lower the "cargo" into the place the "Stones" wanted it. Then they were stowed properly. One load down and 3 to go. But that was the basic operation. Simple in concept, hard in practise and certainly stressfull for the aircrew. That little lot took most of a day, and in no way were we or anybody else going to attempt it at night.
Next day we started again. Similar weather conditions. Not used to it, but getting there. 3rd drop was fine. 4th was a disaster. Either the aircraft went backwards a few feet or the ship was pushed a few feet to port, who knows. But the load landed half on the 5' high hatch and the other half carried on to the deck. The strop holding the neck of the net together broke and so we had about 10 cluster bombs droppng 5'or more and rolling around the deck. People were scattering in all directions. Natural reaction I suppose, but there was nowhere to go. If that lot had gone up, followed by the rest of the ship I reckon that part of Ascension Island (including the airfield) may not now exist in its present form. But that had to be "it" for the day. Palpitations over, bombs stowed and everybody ready for a beer.
A couple of years later when I was again in the Falklands we were operating with a couple of Chinooks (another story) and one of the pilots listened with disbelief ...as he had been the pilot. I now think it was a combination of the rear rotor wash pushing the ship to port and the reaction pushing the aircraft backwards. So we had a beer. His (the pilots) co-pilot mentioned that his "boss" (him next to me) had a DFC. It's only polite to ask why....so I was told that on his way back to Wideawake....but on a different job to ours....he had had a front rotor failure but had managed to put the thing down OK. Takes guts to keep flying after that, I think.
Probably from the same aircrew I learned something that I really should have figured out for myself....except at the time I didn't know. I was always curious as to why a load of cluster bombs were sort of stshed away on Ascension. Years later I read about the RAF "Vulcan" raid on the Port Stanley airstrip. At that time an old fashioned but workable metal plate thing laid by the Argentinians. As we now all know I think out of the 5 aircraft that left Ascension, 3 had to turn back. I think we got their loads. But what a feat of Logistics!
Our "new" passengers were certainly not ignoramuses, but all pretty senior rates from all 3 services. They really took a lot of weight off my back and the RN PO who had been struggling a bit with being "the Senior Rate".
And so calm was regained. I had been instructed that somewhere South of Ascension I should post "The Articles Of War" about the ship to inform the ships company (now more like an emigrant ship than a regular/normal ship) of what was expected of them, and how this document was legally binding. The "Hermit" (Captain) refused to let me do this. Quandary, Seek advice. "Cover your bum" and all that. As the "war" was effectively over by then I was told to "let it ride"....."for now". Fine by me.
No-one was taking any chances however, and so we had been routed south paralleling the African Coast before turning West towards Port Stanley. Saw some wonderful icebergs. On a clear moonlit night the glint of moonlight on a berg could be seen way over the horizon. Wonderful clear skies....but as we point down the wrong way there, there are not as many stars to see as there are "up here", but all very pretty. Then we arrived and anchored in Stanley Sound. More later. BY.