Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length.

[Colin H]

SCOUSE VASECTOMY.

After their 11th child a Liverpool couple decided that was enough. The social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to the doctors and told him of their decision, no more kids.

The doctor explained that a vasectomy would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear whilst counting to 10.

The scouser said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how that is going to help me."

"Trust me" said the doctor "It will do the job."

The man went home and lit a large banger and put it in a beer can which he held to his ear.

He then started to count "1,2,3,4,5," at which point he paused.

He placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue to count on his other hand. 

This procedure also works in Hull. and parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

[Colin H]

A man walks up to his mate in a pub and says "My mother in law just died."

"Thats terrible" says his mate "But why is your tee shirt all ripped?"

"Well" says the man "She put up one hell of a fight!"

[Colin H]

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said "Its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What should we buy for her? She'd like something electric."

"OK" says the husband "How about a chair?"

[Colin H]

I have just found out that a mate of mine as started drinking brake fluid

When I expressed my concern he told me not to worry as he could stop anytime he wants.

[Colin H]

Some fool just sent me the following text.

g


  a


b

n

Its bang out of order.

[Colin H]

I have applied for a job at the local mental hospital.

During the interview they stated that some experience with nutters would be an advantage.

Now let me see how long have I been on this site.

[Colin H]

Sid, "I took my dog to the vet today, it bit the mother-in-law."

John asked "Did you have it put down?"

"Not likely." said Sid "I had its teeth sharpened." 

[Colin H]

I have just returned home from work to find all the windows and doors open and everything gone.

What kind of sick swine would do that to someones..................Advent calender?

[Colin H]

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE.

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son said "All you expletives who want to get off, get off now cos we're in a rush."

Horrified the mother went in and told her son.

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours.  When you come out you may play with your train again but you must use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and continued to play with his train set.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

The boy continues "For those of you just boarding we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train and we hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey

As the mother began to smile the boy added.

"For those of you peed off by the TWO HOUR delay, please see the FAT CONTROLLER in the kitchen."

[Colin H]

THE NEXT PANDEMIC!

I went to a dinner party last night where I and the other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. 

I awoke this morning not feeling well with what could be described as flu symptoms; headache, nausea, sore eyes etc. 

Initial test results reveal I am suffering from what the experts call WINE FLU. 

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears I am not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in of others diagnosed with WINE FLU. To anyone thats starts to exhibit the aforementioned telltale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However should your symptoms continue you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil. Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If none of the above work, then a further application of the original liquid in similar quantities as the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

WINE FLU does not need to be life threatening and if treated early, a cure is usual within 24-48 hours.

BOTTOMS UP. 

PLEASE NOTE.

If you find you are complaining a lot, it maybe that it has mutated into WHINE FLU. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their women where the symptoms observed will be a serious case of eye rolling.

[Colin H]

HOLY HUMOUR.

After loading all the Popes luggage into the limo at the airport the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican and I 'd really like to have a go today."  

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver.  

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

(Remember the Pope is German) So the driver quickly regrets his decision when after leaving the airport the Pontiff floors it accelerating to 205 kph.

"Please slow down Your Holiness!" pleads the driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.  

"Oh dear God I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.  

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief." he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

"So bust him." says the Chief  

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important." says the cop.

The Chief explodes "All the more reason!" he exclaims.  

"No I mean REALLY important," persists the cop.

The Chief then asked "Who do you have there, the mayor?" "Bigger." replies the cop.

"A senator?" asks the Chief. "Bigger." replies the cop.

"The President?" asks the Chief. "Bigger." replies the cop.

"Well" says the Chief "Just who the heck have you got there?"

"Well" says the cop "I think it's GOD!" "God!" replies the Chief "And just what makes you think its God?"

The cop takes a deep breath and says "Well the Pope is ------------------ his chauffeur."  

[Colin H]

REVENGE!!!

A man walks into a bar, strolls up to the barman and orders a beer.

The barman replies "Certainly Sir, that will be one penny." 

"A penny?"  said the man and looking at the menu asked "How much for a 12oz rump steak and a bottle of wine?"

"£1" said the barman

"£1" exclaimed the man "Wheres the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replied "Upstairs with my wife." 

"And whats he doing upstairs with your wife?" asked the man

The barman replied "The same thing.........................as I'm doing to his business down here."

[Colin H]

Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy.

The hard part was convincing her that Dignitas was Swiss for spa.