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***These jokes have now been put together under one thread. That way there is less chance of missing any***
TT
Paddy & his wife are in bed but they can't sleep because the next door neighbours dog is constantly barking.
"I've had enough of this" say Paddy and vanishes down stairs. Returning 5 minutes later his wife asks what he did. "I put the damn dog in our garden lets see how them next door like it!" %% %%
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With apologies to our lady members.
Scientists have confirmed that brewers put a tiny amount of female hormones in the recipe for beer.
Research proves that after the consumption of eight pints the effect on men is so severe that they talk rubbish, are argumentative and are unable to drive. O0 O0
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Just said ti the wife "when I die I will leave everything to you my dear" she replied " you already do you lazy bu--er". :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Driving to work this morning I saw a RAC man parked up in his recovery truck. The poor man was sobbing uncontrollably and looked really miserable.
I thought to myself 'that blokes heading for a breakdown.....'
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A man asked an American Indian what his wife's name was, he replied that her name was five horses.
The man replied thats an unusual name for your wife "does it have a mythical meaning".
The old Indian replied "it a very old Indian name, it mean, Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag".
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I spent some time by the wife's grave today.
"
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She doesn't know she thinks I am digging a pond. %% %%
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Paddy & Mick at the airport. Paddy says " I wish I'd bought the tele. "Why you bored" asks Mick.
No replies Paddy the xxxxx passports are on it. {:-{ {:-{
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Paddy was asked " If you were stranded on a desert island with one person in the world, who would it be?".
He replied " My uncle Mick Cause he's got a boat ".
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is there any chance of putting all of colins funnies together so I don't miss any.
peter
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Think Colin can post them one after the other on the same thread :-))
Also could use Topic name such as Colin's Jokes etc O0 O0
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These jokes and humorous posts by Colin H have been combined into one thread now.
So that you don't miss any.
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thank you for that , they are jokes for all the family
peter
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Before I post any more funnies may I say thanks for your kind words. Now lets see if we can brighten your day.
A man and his wife had to go seek marriage guidance as the wife was complaining her hubby was not attentive enough.
The first question asked of the husband was "do you know what your wife's favorite flower is" He thought for a moment then holding her hand and with a loving look into her eyes he replied.
" I think I know the answer to that one its Homepride self raising isn't it my darling". O0 O0
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WHEN LOVE FADES..?
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching the TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my love?........ chicken, beef of lamb?" I said "thankyou, I'll have the chicken please."
She replied "You're having soup fatty. I was talking to the cat." :D :D
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A blond is watching the news with he husband when the newscaster says " Two Brazilian men die in sky diving accident."
The blond starts sobbing and is visibly upset. "Thats horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
After a few minutes the blond still sobbing her socks of turn to hubby and says.
"How many is a Brazillion?" %) %) %)
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4.Cinnamon.
THING THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
1.Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder.
4. Transubstantiate.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
1. Nope no more booze for me.
2. Kebab? No thanks I am not hungry.
3. Sorry you're not my type.
4. There is a forth but not for this forum :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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I LOVE ANAGRAMS HERE IS A FEW YOU MAY LIKE AND YOU MAY LOVE THE LAST ONE.
Dormitory becomes........................Dirty Room. O0 O0
Presbyterian becomes....................Best In Prayer. %) %)
Astronomer becomes....................Moon Starer :o :o
Desperation becomes....................A Rope Ends It. <:( <:(
The Eyes becomes.......................They See. ;D ;D
George Bush becomes...................He Bugs Gore.
The Morse Code becomes..............Here Come Dots.
Slot Machines becomes..................Cash Lost In Me.
Animosity becomes........................Is No Amity.
Election Results becomes................Lies-Let's Recount.
Snooze Alarms becomes..................Alas! No More Z's.
A Decimal Point becomes.................Im A Dot In Place.
The Earthquakes becomes...............That Queer Shake.
And Finally.
Mother-In-Law becomes WOMAN HITLER. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
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I'm currently suffering from a heavy cold with a headache, a bad chest infection, and I've coughed so much my stomach and sides hurt, and now I've just read these ------ Brilliant ------ but can you save some till later?!!! :-))
Love the tv one. regards, Tony.
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Thanks for the kind words Tony but glad to say theres a few more to come yet a while.
Colin H.
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MY LIVING WILL.
Last night , my adult son and I were sat watching some tele in the living room.
I am not sure how the topic came up but I ended up saying to him "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and getting my fluids from a battle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
He immediately stood up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine. CHEEKY BU--ER. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
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IF YOU HAVE EVER HELPED TO DRESS A SMALL CHILD YOU WILL LIKE THIS ONE.
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children to put on his "Wellie boot's?"
He asked for help and she could see why...Even with her pulling and him pushing the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they had got the second "Wellie" on she had worked up a right sweat. So she almost cried when the little boy said "Miss they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on. <:( <:( <:(
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet........He then announced these aren't my "Wellie's." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said "They're my brothers my mom made me wear 'them'. Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. {-) <:( {-) <:(
She mustered up what grace she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" back on to his feet again. Helping him into his coat she asked, "Now where are your gloves?" He said "I stuffed them in the toes of my "Wellie's" <*< <*< <*<
SHE WILL BE ELIGIBLE FOR PAROLE IN THREE YEARS. :police: :police: :police:
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Colin, please save a few till laughing doesn't cause a tickle in my throat which causes me to cough which is making me breathless and is flipping painfull.
:-))
Regards, Tony.
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Tony always remember the one good thing about pain IT PROVES YOU ARE ALIVE. :-)) :-)) :-))
Colin H.
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, "what gender is a computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer should be a masculine or female noun....... Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The mens group decided that 'computer' should be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), for the following reasons.
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later possible retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.......
The womens group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time the ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model........
THE WOMEN WON. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
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says it all .......
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I do like that DD {-) {-)
Colin H.
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Have you ever wondered what the difference between a Grandmothers & Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A friend who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at weekends.
Every Sunday he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time--just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold (man flu) and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take the little girl out for her drive.
When they returned the little girl ran anxiously up stairs to see her Grandfather.
"Well did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
"Oh yes Granddad" the little girl replied "and do you know what? We didn't see a single blind idiot, dipstick, "xxxxx" or daft woman driver anywhere we went today!" :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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A FEW PONDERISM'S FOR YOU.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. {:-{ {:-{
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed instead of a valuable is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. :-)) :-))
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. >>:-( >>:-(
Never take life to seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. :-X :-X
There are two kinds of pedestrians; The quick and the dead. ok2 ok2
Life is sexually transmitted. :kiss: :kiss:
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. O0 O0
When I feel blue I start breathing again. %% %%
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A FEW MORE PONDERISM'S.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole darn box to start a camp fire? %) %)
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? {:-{ {:-{
Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? :o :o
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? :P :P
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" :D :D
And who was the first person to say. "See that chicken there? I'm going to boil and eat the next thing that drops out its rear end." O0 O0
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. :-) :-)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you. But when you take him out in the car, he sticks his head out the window? >>:-( >>:-(
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It ignores criticism. {-) {-) {-)
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THE RANCH HAND.
A successful rancher died leaving everything to his beautiful, devoted wife. Although she knew little about ranching she was determined to keep the ranch in memory of her husband. She therefore placed an ad in the local newspaper for a live-in ranch hand.
Only two cowboys applied for the job, one a drunk and one gay. After some thought and when no one else applied for the job she decided to hire the gay ranch hand figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. One day the ranchers widow said to the hired hand "You have done a great job and the ranch looks really well, why don't you go into town and kick up your heels." The cowboy readily agreed and the following Saturday night off he went.
One o'clock came, however and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned at two-thirty to find the ranchers widow sat by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed..."Now take off my boots" he did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks" He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes and placed it with the boots.
Finally she said "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said.
"And if you ever wear my clothes into town again, your fired" {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
NOPE I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING EITHER.
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Colin, you've got enough for a stand-up show here. Excellent stuff! :-))
Andy
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Andy,
Thanks for your kind comments but stand up I think not. Seems to me these days stand up relies on bad language or pure filth. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Yes I like a little risque but like to think most of these jokes could be told in mixed company without causing offence. :-)) :-))
Yours Colin H.
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A young Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife among the couple was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked "Now Maria why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora there are three reasons why I want a pay rise. The first is I iron better than you." %)
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I do?"
Maria: "Your husband he say so."
Wife: "Oh." >>:-(
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." %) %)
Wife: "Nonsense who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband he say so."
Wife: "Oh." >>:-( >>:-(
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." %) %) %)
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well." >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
Maria: "Oh no senora........The gardener he say so." :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
Wife: "So how much do you want." <:( <:( <:(
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As a family we are trying to keep up with technology.......So I bought my son an iPhone, my daughter an iPod andmyself an iPad.
I felt sorry for my wife <:( <:( so I bought her an iRon and thats when it all kicked off. {-) {-) {-)
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I was sitting in a bar last night, and some fellow was there with a black top on, black shorts on and a whistle in his mouth. I thought to myself 'watch out' this guys going to kick off in a minute. %% %% %%
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Pedro Rodriguez, one of the Chilean miners was said to be distraught last night. <:( <:( <:(
He had realised he'd forgotten to clock on at the start of his shift. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
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PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES.
Do not argue with an idiot, He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the people in his car.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
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Paddy goes into a bar and asks the barman how much the cocktails are. He replies "£4 a glass and £10 for a pitcher."
Paddy replies "Why would I want my photo taken with a xxxxxx drink." %% %%
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Glad to say your standards haven't dropped Colin, keep 'em comin' :-)) :-))
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A FEW MORE PARA WHATSIMENAMES
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they SEXY.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I used to indecisive. Now I am not sure.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If your supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life, “I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some idiot shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Nice one Davie, old one but nice one {-) {-)
Colin H.
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo covered in blood.
"xxxxx to that" said Mick "I am never going lion dancing again." O0 O0
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Johnathan Ross has been arrested outside ASDA for shoplifting. He is accused of stealing a kitchen utensil.
Ross stated "It was a whisk he was prepared to take." %) %)
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Two Irish hunters hire a plane to fly them into the Canadian wilderness to shoot moose. The were very successful and managed to bag six big moose. :-)) :-))
As they were loading the plane to make their return, the pilot said the plane could only take four moose. :(( :((
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as you," they argued. >>:-( >>:-(
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and it went down, crashing into the forest. <:( <:(
Somehow, surrounded by moose bodies. Paddy & Mick survived the crash. O0 O0
As they climbed out of the wreckage Paddy asked Mick. "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year" says Mick. {-) {-) {-)
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Elsie takes her deaf elderly husband Bert to the doctors for a checkup.
After the usual examination the Doc says "to complete the tests I will need urine and stool samples."
Bert turns to Elsie and asks "Wot did he say?"
She replies "He wants your underpants" :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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The Police came to my door last night, holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" :police: :police:
Shocked I answered "Yes."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." <:( <:(
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality!" {-) {-)
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Have you noticed that really beautiful women all drive cute little cars?
That reminds me the wife's Transit van is ready for its M.O.T. O0 O0
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A woman takes her lover home during the day whilst her husband is at work.
Soon afterwards her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after the woman and her lover get into bed the husband also returns home unexpectedly.
Not realising her son is in the cupboard she tells her lover to hide in there to.
After a few minutes the little boy says "dark in here."
The man once he gets over his surprise replies "Yes it is."
Boy "I have a football, want to buy it?"
Man "No thanks."
Boy "My dads outside."
Man "OK how much?"
Boy "£250."
Man "OK its a deal"
A few weeks later history repeats itself and the man and boy are in the cupboard together once more.
Boy "Its dark in here."
Man "Yes it is."
Boy "I have some football boots."
Man Remembering the last time "OK how much this time?"
Boy "£750."
Man "Sold."
A few days later the boys father says to the boy "Grab your boots and ball, we'll go outside for a game of soccer."
The boy says "I can't I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks "How much did you sell them for and to who?"
The boy replies "To a friend for a £1000....."
The father now annoyed replies "Thats a terrible thing to do, overcharging you friend like that. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
At the church the father puts the boy in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boys says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that again you little bu--er your in my cupboard now!!!!"
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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best and easiest patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says "I like to see Accountants on my table, because when you open the up everthing inside is numbered."
The second one responds " Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says. "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The forth surgeon chimes in "You know I really like Construction workers. Those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on: theres no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine; And there are only two moving parts The mouth and the backside-and they are interchangeable.
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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle when he accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: "Its my wife! I've accidentally shot her." He yells down the phone. "I only gone and killed her!" <:( <:(
Emergency operator: "Please sir try to calm down. Can you fist make sure she is actually dead." O0 O0
*click*...*BANG* :o :o :o
Irishman: "Okay, I've done that. Whats next?" {-) {-) {-)
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I've just caught up on a few days worth of these, I laughed out loud at Johnathon Ross' escapade and the wife who looked like she had been hit by a bus which I then had to read out to my wife but the Irish man shooting his wife has had me in tears for the last ten minutes.
I haven't had as good a laugh as that for quite a while, thank you Colin.
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Thanks BB glad you enjoyed them, nothing quite like a good belly laugh.
Colin H.
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And for Double Diamond just to prove not all women are daft.
There was a man who had worked hard all his life Putting all his wealth away and keeping his family quite poor.
During a conversation with his wife he told her. "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money with me to the afterlife."
And so he got his wife to promise with all her heart that should he die she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
WELL, HE DIED.
<:( <:( <:(
On the day of the funeral he lay in his casket. His wife was sitting dressed all in black, her friend along side her for comfort.
When they finnish the service and just before the undertakers screwed down the lid the wife said.
WAIT JUST A MOMENT PLEASE.
She went up to the casket and placed a small metal box inside. The undertakers scewed down the lid and took the casket away for burial.
The wifes friend exclaimed. "Girl I hope you were not foolish enough to put that money in there with your husband."
The wife replied "Listen I am a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised I would put the money in the casket with him."
I GOT IT ALL TOGETHER IN MY ACCOUNT, AND WROTE HIM A CHEQUE........iF HE CAN CASH IT, THEN HE CAN SPEND IT {-) {-) {-)
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:-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
Jim.
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NOT EXACTLY A JOKE BUT VERY INTERESTING.
Only great minds can read this, so it should be plain to all on this site. %) %) %)
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are. The olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
And I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
LORDY that took some typing. %% %% %%
By the way Martin I think I have just broke your sploke chucker. {-) {-) {-)
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I thought it was just typed in Scottish {-) {-) {-) {-)
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND.
It is important for men to remember that as women grow old, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell or make a fuss. Some women are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman. >>:-( >>:-(
My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Lin, in the hope it will be of some help to all you guys out there. %) %)
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lin to get a full time job along with her part time job. This was necessary both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Soon after she started her extra job I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time as Lin arrives home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when dinner's on the table. I generally have lunch in the Mens Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. :-)) :-))
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. Again I don't make a fuss. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get the job done before we go to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find the time to pay the monthly bills in her lunch hour. But boys we take 'em for better or worse, so I just offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch now and then wouldn't hurt her any---if you know what I mean. I like to think that tact is one of my strong points. :o :o
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife. I will consider that writing this article was well worth while.
Signed,
John.
EDITORS NOTE.
John died suddenly earlier this year of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Lin was arrested and charged with murder. The all woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty. Accepting her defence that John, somehow accidentally sat down on his own golf club. %% %% %%
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It's all Greek to me
Giday δώθε τη γη του Οζ
O0 O0
8) 8) 8) 8)
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NICE ONE %% %% %%
Colin H
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The wife today asked me for £10,000 for a gastric band operation. O0 O0 O0
I gave a Fiver and told her to buy a padlock for the fridge. {-) {-) {-)
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I said to the wife "Lets play Chilean miners."
She replied "You mean after all this time you want to wine me & dine me, and rush me off to bed." :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
I said "NO I want you to bu--er off out of my sight for four months." >>:-( >>:-(
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Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.
Shes asks "What do you do?"
Clarkson replies "Top Gear."
Amy replies "Great news, I'll have three grams."
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A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and homosexuals descended in to chaos yesterday when somebody shouted
"He's behind you!"
{-) {-) {-)
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THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY STORY.
A man asked his girlfriend "Will you marry me?"
She replied "NO WAY!"
The man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and played football and drank beer and ate curry and left the toilet seat up.
THE END. {-) {-)
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Passengers trapped on a broken down Eurostar train have been speaking of their ordeal.
One was quoted as saying "I've been hanging underneath the back of this lorry now for 16 hours.
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Took Mother-In-Law out last night. %) %) %)
One punch..................You Beauty. {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy has just got his second question right on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. :-)) :-)) :-))
Here's the third question; Who was the Great Train Robber? Was it:
a) Ronnie Barker?
b) Ronnie Biggs?
c) Ronnie Parker?
d) Ronnie Walsh?
Paddy says " Well Chris I've had a lovely time, but I'm going to take the money.
Chris Tarrant looks at him aghast and says "Are you daft man? you still have all your life lines."
Paddy replies "I might be daft Chris, but I'm not a GRASS!" {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy had the following password at work.
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin. :o :o :o
After noticing this his boss asked him why he had such a long password.
Paddy replied "Bejazus! are you daft? I was told my password had to be at least eight characters long and one capital. {-) {-)
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Wife in front of the mirror
"I am getting wrinkly, my boobs sag, and my bums fat. Please give me a compliment." <:( <:(
Hubby replies "You've got 20:20 vision." %% %%
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Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and one married, decide to treat the men by wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a leather face mask.
At their next meeting they compare notes.
The engaged woman says "My man leapt on me and we made love all night." %% %% %%
The mistress adds "Me too. We made wild love till daybreak." O0 O0
The married woman sighs "My husband came home, took one look at me and said." "Whats for tea Batman?" :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Mick opens Paddy's fridge.
He asks "Paddy why do you keep an empty bottle of milk in there."
Paddy replies "In case anyone wants a black coffee you dimbo." %% %%
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SOME CLASSIC'S FROM TODAYS PAPER.
A blonde fears her husband is having an affair, so she buys a gun. <*< <*< <*<
Next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful red head, :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
She holds the gun to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, pleading with her to put the gun down. <:( <:( <:(
The blonde yells back. "Shut up - you're next." {-) {-) {-)
Police arrest two kids. :police: :police: :police:
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. %% %% %%
They charged one and let the other off. O0 O0 O0
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and marry. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
The wedding was junk but the reception was brilliant. :-)) :-)) :-))
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. :D :D :D
I was amazed ------- I never knew they worked. ok2 ok2 ok2
I'm on a whisky diet. %% %% %%
I've lost three days already. O0 O0 O0
I went to the doctor and said: "Have you got anything for wind." %) %) %)
So he gave me a kite. {:-{ {:-{ {:-{
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Brill Colin, :-)) keep 'em a comin' {-)
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What a wonderful legacy Tommy Cooper left (although I don't believe he ever did a blonde joke) :police:
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JACK WAS DYING. <:(
His wife Becky was by his side. "Becky" he said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess before I die." <:( <:(
Becky replied "Shhh. There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No!" Jack replied "I must die in peace. I've been unfaithful. I've made love to your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother." %) %) %)
"I know" replied Becky. "Now lie back, close your eyes and let the poison do it's work." <*< <*< <*<
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Forty Liverpudlians arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St Peter said "Sorry we've only got room for twelve. Have a chat amongst yourselves to decide who's going to enter."
St Peter leaves them alone for five minutes so they can decide.
On his return he calls out to God. "They've gone!" God asks "What all of them?" O0 O0 O0
"NO" shouts St Peter. "The bl--dy gates." <*< <*<
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Just booked a table for myself and the wife for Valentines Day next year. :-)) :-)) :-))
Hope it goes better than this year. She only potted two balls. %) %)
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At 7am a man comes home bleary eyed with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar. 8) 8)
His wife shouts. "There had better be a good reason for you waltzing in here at 7 in the morning!" <*< <*< <*<
"Too damn right there is." he replies.
"BREAKFAST!" {-) {-)
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FOR SALE.
Complete set of Encyclopedias 45 volumes. Excellent condition! £1000-00 or near offer.
Reason for sale.
No longer needed, got married................New wife knows everything! :D :D
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I was out enjoying an Indian meal the other night, when the waiter came up to me and asked "Curryokay."
I replied "Oh go on then just one song." %% %%
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Paddy's in bed with his wife.
Its 3am and her mobile phone rings. Paddy answers it, listens, then angrily replies.
"This time in the morning! Why don't you bu--er off and call the weather office!" >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
The wife puzzled asks "Who was that?"
Paddy replies "Twas just some idiot asking if the coast was clear." %% %% %%
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Guy goes to a beekeeper and says "I like 10 bees please to start my own hive."
The beekeeper produces a sealed jar with the bees in it and hands it to the man.
The guy examines the jar and says. "Excuse me do you know you have given me 11 bees not 10."
"I know" says the the beekeeper one of them is a FREEBEE!" {-) {-) {-)
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A man walks into a bar and points to the beer pump. :-X :-X
"Do you want a pint?" asks the barman. :-)) :-))
The man nods and the barman notices a huge scar across his throat.
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman.
The man croaks "The Falklands War."
"Blimey" said the barman. "This ones on the house, you boys did a great job over there." :-)) :-))
The man croaks "MUCHAS GRACIAS SENOR." {-) {-)
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Two men are out fishing and drinking beer. :D :D
Bob says " I think I'm going to divorce the wife." O0 O0
Joe says "Whys that mate."
"Well she has'nt spoken to me in over six months." replies Bob. {:-{ {:-{
Joe thinks carefully and says "You better think it over mate."
"Women like that are hard to find." {-) {-) {-)
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My budgie broke his leg today, <:( <:(so I made him a splint out of two Swan Vesta matches. O0 O0
His little face lit up. :D :D :D
So did the rest of him. :embarrassed: :embarrassed: I forgotten I lined his cage floor with sandpaper. %% %%
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{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A man approaches a beautiful woman in a shopping arcade.
"Excuse me" he says. "I can't seem to fine my wife, may I talk to you for a few moments." 8) 8)
The woman feeling compassionate replies. "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife might be?" :kiss: :kiss:
I don't have a clue" he replies.
"But every time I talk to a good looking woman she usually appears out of nowhere." <*< <*<
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The wife came home drunk yesterday. :-X :-X
As she struggled to get undressed she fell over and knocked herself out. <:( <:(
There she lay in a state of undress. There was no way I was going to miss an opportunity like this. :o :o
So I put my coat on and joined the lads in the pub. :-)) :-))
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Paddy decides to take up boxing.
With this in mind he goes to the doctors for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor phones "Paddy" he says "you've Sugar Diabetes."
Paddy replies "No worries Doc when do I fight him?" %% %% %%
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A mans wife hits him across the head. >>:-( >>:-(
"Wots that for?" he yells." <:( <:(
The wife replies "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah wriitten on it." >>:-( >>:-(
Quick as a flash the man says "Silly woman thats the name of a horse I bet on today." %) %)
She apologises and asks for forgiveness :kiss: :kiss:
Just a week later she hits him with a frying pan! <*< <*<
The man shouts "What the hell was that for?" <:( <:(
She replies "Your bl--dy horse phoned today!" {-) {-)
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keep up the good work..
Peter
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Brilliant Colin, almost shed a tear or two down me legs! often pass these on - too good to miss. :-))
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Thanks for the kind words gents.
Don't know how long I can go on for but will keep trying.
Colin H.
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Not every flower can say LOVE, but a Rose can. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
Not every plant can survive THIRST, but a CACTUS can. :-X :-X :-X
Not every Retard can Read. :D :D :D
But BLESS, look at you having a go! {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a log.
"Oh what big eyes you have." she says. :o :o The wolf runs off.
Later she sees him hiding behind a tree.
"Oh what big ears you have," she says. Again the wolf runs off.
Later again she sees him hiding behind a road sign.
"Oh what big teeth you have," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The Big Bad Wolf jumps out and yells.
"WILL YOU BU--ER OFF I AM TRYING TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE, BACK HERE!" {-) {-) {-)
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The church service was ending and the collection had just finished.
The preacher saw a £50 note on the plate.
He said "Whoever put the £50 in the collection please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said "I put the note on the plate."
The preacher told him. "For your generosity I'll let you pick three hymns."
The gay man looked round excitedly and said "I'll have him.....him and him." {-) {-) {-)
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Just been banned from our local Muslim clothes shop. <:( <:(
I only asked for a bomber jacket. %% %%
Touchy bu--ers! {-) {-) {-)
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My pet hate is women that wear stupid amounts of make-up. >>:-( >>:-(
My wife has just the right amount of foundation on her face. :kiss: :kiss:
She's buried under the house. {-) {-) {-)
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Due to the sad state of my sex life. I have converted to Islam.
My new name is Seldom Bin Layed...... O0 O0
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My wife complains I'm immature and says we should set aside a day to talk through the problem. %% %%
Like thats going to happen.........In the middle of conker season. {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy rushes his pregnant wife into the maternity hospital as shes gone into labour. :-)) :-))
On their arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?" O0 O0
Paddy replies "Ah jaysus shes over the moon! {-) {-) {-)
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I borrowed a DVD from my mate called Bald and Barely Legal. :kiss: :kiss:
Rushing home, I closed my curtains and put the disc in the machine. %) %)
I sat back on the settee and relaxed ready to be entertained. O0 O0 O0
I felt such a plonker to find it was a Department of transport film about tyre tread depths. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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A shark, a crab, a lobster and a Liverpudlian.
Which is the odd one out?
The Shark
All the others wear shellsuits and pinch like hell. {-) {-)
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An Irishman a Aussie and a Scouser are sat in a bar.
They spot Lord sat all on his own. So they each send him a drink. O0 O0
Lord sups each pint slowly and then walks over to the three men.
He shakes the Irishmans hand and thanks him for the Guinness :-)) :-))
"Blimey say Paddy my arthritis has gone." :D :D
Lord then shakes the Aussies hand and thanks him for the Fosters. :-)) :-))
"Crikey" he says "Me bad backs cured. :D :D
Lord then approaches the Scouser, who runs away yelling. Bu--er off I'm on disability!!!" {-) {-) {-)
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I want a dog but I'm not getting a Labrador.
Its frightening how many Labrador owners you see who have gone blind.
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Lord Charles has taken Ray Allens death really badly. <:( <:( <:(
He hasn't said a word since it happened. %% %% %%
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A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban.
And she is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
A year later she returns for a further visit.
This time she is delighted to find that now the men must walk five paces behind the women. :-)) :-))
She asks the interpreter "What bought about such a remarkable change?"
His one word reply was.
"LANDMINES!" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy finds a sandwich with two red wires sticking out of it. %% %%
He calls the police and says "Bejasus I've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." O0 O0 O0
The operator asks "Is it ticking?"
"Oh no" says Paddy "I tink its beef." {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy's doing a crossword.
He asks Mick "How do you spell paint?" {:-{ {:-{
Mick replies "What colour?" %% %% %%
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Iron Man is a superhero. :-)) :-))
Iron woman is an order. >>:-( >>:-(
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Seen in England during this years world cup.
Show support and raise awareness for "erect ile" dysfunction.
If you suffer; Please add a white flag with a red cross to your car or van. {-) {-)
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Er your getting a bit Scouserfobic <*<
Peter %% :}
keep up the good work and leave us alone
ok dont <:(
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All right I will bite, what is a "Scouser"? {:-{
Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
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All right I will bite, what is a "Scouser"? {:-{
Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
A native of the great seaport of Liverpool, sort of like Hollywood Cockneys, but with rather less pearly buttons sown to the suit, a rather more nasal accent, and a much bigger collection of somebody else's hubcaps wheels and tyres. Also less inclined to burst into spontaneous song and dance.
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Hi Chaps & Chapesse's
It has been made known to me that some of the jokes have been getting to close to the knuckle.
If I have upset anyone I can only apologise.
Colin H.
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they haven't upset me keep em comming us scousers like to moan it's in our makeup (by makeup I don't mean the type southern Jessie's Men whear) no keep em comming. I Pass them on to my wife each night. I liked the recent Labrador Joke.
Peter
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It has been made known to me that some of the jokes have been getting to close to the knuckle.
If I have upset anyone I can only apologise.
No need to apologise, just a few slightly on the fringes that's all. The only danger then is of someone jumping in and trying to cap it and then, as we have seen in the past, things go rapidly downhill. Your posts have been great examples of how jokes can be very funny without resorting to bad language or crudity.
Colin
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A Bit Late In The Day But The English Will Understand It.
Duran Duran re-released an old classic for the world cup.
His name is Rio and he watches from the stand %% %%
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A man had great tickets for the world cup final. :-)) :-))
As he sits down another man comes up to him and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No." The man replies "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man "Who in their right mind would have a great seat like this and not use it?"
"Well." the first guy replies "The seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me."
"Unfortunately she passed away. This is the first final we haven't been to together since we got married." <:( <:( <:(
The other guy replies "Oh I am sorry to hear that. But couldn't you find someone else to come with you?"
The first guy shakes his head. "No I am afraid not.............They're all at the FUNERAL." {-) {-) {-)
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I was walking past a mental hospital today.
Over the high fence I could hear everyone shouting 13...13...13...13...13.
Being curious, I wanted to know what was going on? So I looked through a hole in the fence.
As I did so, someone poked me straight in the eye. >:-o >:-o >:-o
I jumped back, and from over the fence came 14...14...14...14...14. {-) {-) {-)
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JUST FOR PETER.
A policeman pulls over a scouser for having a dog in the front seat of his car. :police: :police:
As the policeman approaches the car he sees the scouser hit the dog over the head. %% %%
The copper asks him. "Why have you just smacked your dog over he head?" >:-o >:-o
Quick as a flash the scouser replies "Cos he just ate me road tax disc!!" {-) {-)
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Judge to Child: "Do you want to live with your mother?"
Child "No!"
Judge "Why not?"
Child: "She beats me."
Judge: "Okay, so do you want to live with your Dad?"
Child: "NO."
Judge: "Why not?"
Child: "Because he beats me too."
Judge "Okay, so who do you want to live with?"
Child: "The English Football Team."
Judge: "WHY?"
Child: "Because they NEVER beat anyone!" {-) {-) {-)
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ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE TWO NUNS.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM).
The other was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the safety of the convent.
SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 minutes? I wander what he wants."
SL: "It's logical. He wants to molest us."
SM: "Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."
A LITTLE WHILE LATER.
SM: "It's not working."
SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He's walking faster too."
SM: "So what shall we do? At this rate he will be upon us in one minute."
SL: "The only logical thing to do is split up. He cannot follow us both."
The man decides to follow Sister Logical.
SM: arrives at the convent and is worried what has befallen SL>
Then SL arrives.
SM: "Thank God your here! Tell me what happened?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run and he ran after me."
SM "AND?"
SL: The only logical thing happened. He caught me."
SM: "Oh dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress."
SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "He did the only logical thing. He pulled his pants down."
SM: "Oh no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical Sister? Nun with dress up can run faster than man with pants down."
And for those of you who thought it would have a dirty ending.
GO AND SIT ON THE NAUGHTY STOOL AND SAY TWO HAIL MARYS!
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Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen. <:( <:( <:(
Further tests revealed it to actually be.........................a field of carrots. {-) {-) {-)
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The Old Bill (police) have no sense of humour!! :police: :police:
I got stopped at midnight whilst walking home and was asked where I was going. >:-o >:-o
I replied I was going to listen to a lecture on the effects of alcohol on the human body! %% %%
The Old Bill laughs and says "And just who's going to give a lecture at this time of night."
I said "THE WIFE, WHO ELSE!" {-) {-) {-)
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Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen. <:( <:( <:(
Further tests revealed it to actually be.........................a field of carrots. {-) {-) {-)
{-) {-) {-) Keep 'em comin!
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I bumped my head last night. <:( <:( <:(
So I rubbed some margarine on it. :-)) :-)) :-))
Woke this morning I can't believe its not..............BETTER {-) {-)
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As I walked past the fridge earlier I thought I heard an onion singing a BEEGEES song. %% %%
But when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin... O0 O0
I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion. :D :D :D
But it said " I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' a chive... {-) {-) {-)
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AAAAARGH.......
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As I walked past the fridge earlier I thought I heard an onion singing a BEEGEES song. %% %%
But when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin... O0 O0
I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion. :D :D :D
But it said " I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' a chive... {-) {-) {-)
{-) {-) {-) Keep 'em comin!
Maybe not :(( :-))
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Can't win em all. Don't you like the Gibb Brothers.
Colin H. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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I approached this ugly woman in a night club and asked if she had a pen?
Being excited about a man showing interest in her she replied with a smile "Yes I have."
As she reached into her handbag I said.
Well you better get back in it before the Farmer finds out you've escaped. {-) {-) {-)
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The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 5 & 11?
Paddy replied "Primary School." %% %%
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A mild looking man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
Well on a trip to North Wales I came across a biker gang who were hassling a young lady." He replied.
"And what did you do?" asked St Peter.
"Well I asked them to desist, but they wouldn't listen"
"AND" asked St Peter.
"So I walked up to the biggest most tattooed biker and hit him. I then kicked his bike over and ripped out his earring." Replied our man.
St Peter impressed said "And when did this happen?"
The man looked at his watch and replied "Oh about two minutes ago." {-) {-) {-)
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You are in the queue at Tesco, when you realise you must pass wind. O0 O0
The music is very loud so you decide you will do, what you have to do in time with the loudest parts. %) %)
A couple of songs later you are feeling much more relaxed. :-)) :-))
However when you reach the front of the queue you see everyone is staring at you. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
It is only then that you realise you were listening..................to your Ipod. {-) {-) {-)
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Great keep e'm comming
Peter
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Me: "Whats that smell?"
Wife: "I can't smell anything."
Me: "Neither can I so get the cooker on I am hungry."
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A recent report found that 60% of 14 year old scouser girls go binge drinking. :kiss: :kiss:
That terrible just who's looking after their kids? {-) {-)
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Paddy's Dad died and Paddy's sobbing his socks off. <:( <:( <:(
Just then the phone rings Paddy answers and after a couple of minutes he is in a worse state. <:( <:( <:( <:( <:( <:(
Mick asks "Paddy whats happened now?"
Paddy replies "That was my sister..............................her Dads died too! {-) {-) {-)
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Nelson Mandela is sat at home watching TV and having a beer.
There comes a frantic knocking at the door. When he opens the door there stands a little chinaman with a clip board.
The little man obviously agitated is yelling "You sign............You sign." >>:-( >>:-(
Amazed Nelson looks behind the little guy and see a truck full of car parts. :o :o
"I haven't ordered these" says Nelson. >:-o >:-o
The chinaman puzzled consults his clip board and says.
"You not Nissan Main Deala." {-) {-) {-)
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A Chinaman goes for a job interview at the local factory.
The boss liking what he sees hires him saying "Okay Mr Ching your in charge of supplies. :D :D
A few hours later the boss is looking for Mr Ching to see how he is getting on, but no one has seen him. >:-o >:-o
The boss is about to give up. When Mr Ching jumps out of a cupboard scaring the boss to death :o :o
As he jumps out the cupboard Mr Ching yells "SUPPLIES" {-) {-) {-)
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All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. :D :D :D
Trouble is that after a few years the nympho leaves. <:( <:( <:(
But the maniac stays. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn to find him doing a sexy striptease to a big red machine. :o :o :o
Mick asks "What the heck are you doing Paddy?"
"Well me and the Missus haven't been getting on to well lately so we've been to see a therapist." :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
"Tell me more." says Mick.
Paddy replies "Well he said I should do something sexy to A TRACTOR."
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Colin A night out in Nottingham
Scouser
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WHOOOOO! HOOOOO!
Now thats what I call a sexy movement. {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
And cracking lipstick. %% %% %% %%
Colin H.
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Ive sent a few lads around with a present I hope you like it. <*< >>:-(
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I've always got on well with the Just For Dummy guides. %% %% %%
Colin H.
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How about this scouse keyboard!!!!
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.......and I wonder which team is playing......aye aye aye, calm down, calm down
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(http://s4.postimage.org/NMoKS.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2t207w8tg/)
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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. When suddenly a Hearse and two funeral cars go past. <:( <:( <:(
One of the guys stands up, faces the cars, removes his cap and bows his head. %) %)
When the cortege has passed he replaces his cap, sits down and carries on fishing. :-)) :-)) :-))
His mate says "Dave that was one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." O0 O0
Dave replies "Well we were married for nearly twenty years!" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A real man is a woman's best friend. ;) ;)
He will never stand her up and never let her down. :-)) :-))
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. :-) :-) :-)
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. O0 O0 O0
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her intimate desires. :D :D :D
He will make her feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.........NO WAIT!
I'm thinking of WINE, Its WINE that does that. Sorry!!! {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Just for the Brits.
A kid came up to me and said "What's your favourite tele tubby?" %) %)
I replied "Probably the Samsung 42" flat screen you cheeky little Moderated, I thought one of the agreed things was implied swearing!!!" {-) {-)
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The wife dented my car backing out the drive this morning. >:-o >:-o >:-o
The fat silly moo needs to look where she's walking. {-) {-) {-)
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A van driver looking for directions pulls over in Birmingham.
Leaning out his window he shouts "Hey Paddy is there a B & Q in Birmingham?"
Paddy replies "To be sure sur I don't know. But there's two D's in Dudley!" %% %% %%
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Mt wife has just accused me of having an affair with a Welsh lady from.........[ <*< <*</center]
Llanfairpwllgwyngyligogerychwyrndsobilllantysiliogoggogoch!!!!!!!!! {:-{ {:-{ {:-{
How could she say such a thing.............. {-) {-)
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Paddy and Murphy are racing up an hill.
"If I get there first I'm going to write my name at the top." says Murphy. :-)) :-))
Paddy says " If I get there first I'm going to rub it out." {-) {-)
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I never eat oak, sycamore or beech.
I am TREETOTAL. %% %%
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I think I am a German vodka." O0 O0
Doctor: "Oh for goodness sake just Schnapps out of it." {-) {-)
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Two Irishmen are looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at those gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." %) %)
Mick agrees! "I am going to order one of them right now." Says he.O0 O0 O0
3 Weeks later . Paddy says to Mick. "Has your woman turned up yet?" :D :D
"No." said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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The Doc went fishing one afternoon & not wanting to close his clinic he left his assistant Murphy in charge. %% %%
On his return he asked Murphy "How did you get on?" Murphy replies "I have had three patients."
"The first had a headache so I gave her paracetamol." O0 O0 "Very good." Says Doc. :-)) :-))
"The second had indigestion, so I gave her Gaviscon." :} :} "Good man." replies Doc. :-)) :-))
"The third was a gorgeous young woman, who burst into the room and took all her clothes off." :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Now Doc's worried. :o :o :o "What happened Murphy?" he asks.
"Well sir she lays on the couch and says. Please help me I haven't seen a man in five years!" %% %% %%
"Good Lord!" says Doc "and what did you do?"
"Twas easy" says Murphy........................ "I put drop in her eyes." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A paper bag goes to the doctors, he's all itchy and has an embarrassing rash. :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
The Doc examines him and tells him he has got the dreaded lurgie. :o :o :o
The paper bag starts to sob "But I've only slept with one other bag in my life!!" <:( <:( <:( <:(
The doctor replies "Well it must have been a ...............carrier." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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What do you call a 1000 nuns in a warehouse? O0 O0
A Virgin Mega Store. %% %% %%
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I have just been diagnosed with Gammon Flue. <:( <:( <:( <:(
I did have Swine Flu but....................They cured me. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A vampire bat arrives back at his roost with his face covered in blood. :P :P :P
All the other bats get very excited and ask where he got it from. O0 O0 O0
"Follow me" he says and off they flew. Over the hills, over the rivers and mountains and deep into the dark forest.
The bat said "See that tree over there?" "Yes, Yes" they all cry looking round for food. :P :P :P
"Well" said the bat........................................."I didn't." {-) {-) {-)
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Paddy & Murphy are on a building site and Paddy decides he wants to throw a sickie. ;) ;)
He decides to pretend to be insane so he hangs upside down from a rafter and starts to yell.
"I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb! %% %% %%
The foreman spots this and says "Paddy your off your trolley, get off my site and go home." >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
As Paddy leaves the foreman notices that Murphy is packing up as well.
He asks "And where do you think your going Murphy?" >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
Murphy replies "Well I can't work............................. in the dark can I ?" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A middle aged man was devastated when the doctor gave him the news that he only had six months to live. <:(
The doctor suggested he make the most of the time he had left. "What will you do?" he asked.
"Oh I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law" he replied :kiss: :kiss:
"Of all the people, why would you want to go and live with the mother-in-law?" asked the doctor. :o :o :o
"Well" said the man. "It will seem like................. the longest six months of my life." {-) {-) {-)
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Went out with lads last night on a pub crawl. %% %% %%
Woke up this morning in bed with a really ugly woman. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
Thats when I realised that I'd.......................made it home safely. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A solicitor phoned his client overseas.
He says "I am afraid your mother-in-law passed away last night." <:( <:( <:(
He goes on "Shall I order burial, embalming or cremation?"
"Take no chances." replies the client..................................."Do all three." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A burglar is creeping through a darkened house.
Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Lord is watching you!" He looks round and seeing nothing carries on.
A little while later he hears "Lord is watching you!"
Now worried he switches on his small torch and sees a parrot looking at him. O0 O0 O0
"Hello" he says "and whats your name?" The parrot replies "Arbuthnot and Lord is watching you!"
"Arbuthnot" says the burglar "Thats a strange name for a parrot."
The parrot replies "Yes it is, but not half as strange as Lord is for a.................rotweiler." {-) {-) {-)
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Not really jokes but funny none the less.
The following questions were set in 2008 UK GCSE exams. The answers are genuine from 16 year olds.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. %% %%
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. O0 O0
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. <:( <:(
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans.
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon as there is no water there and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. <*< <*<
What guarantees may a mortgage compant insist on.
A. If you are buying a house they will insist you are well endowed. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Q. In a democratic society haw important are elections.
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets and election. :(( :((
Q. What are steroids.
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Members may shoot themselves now for there is little hope.
Q. What happens to your body as you age.
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. {-)
More tomorrow but right now my eyes are watering.
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And a few more.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty.
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.SO VERY TRUE. O0 O0
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death. :(( :((
Q. What is artificial insemination.
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. {-) {-)
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour.
A. Keep it in the cow. Simple but brilliant.
Q. What is the fibula.
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure.
A. A Roman Emperor. Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit. %% %%
Q. What is a terminal illness.
A. When you are sick at the airport. Irrefutable.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face. WoW.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean.
A. Benign is what you will be after your eight. Can it get any worse.
Q. What is a turbine.
Something an Arab wears on his head.
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LEATHER DRESSES AND WHY WE MEN LIKE THEM. :-)) :-)) :-))
Did you know that when a man sees a woman in a leather dress certain things start to happen.
His heart beats faster. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
His throat gets dry. :-X :-X
He goes weak at the knees. O0 O0 O0
And he begins to think totally irrationally. :D :D :D
Have you ever stop to wonder why. %) %) %)
Well its because......................................She smells like a new car. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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A man and his nagging wife >>:-( >>:-( were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly died. <:( <:(
The undertaker said it would cost £5000 to ship her body home or £50 to bury her there.
The husband said he would like her body shipped home. O0 O0
"But sir" said the undertaker "Why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." :-)) :-))
"Well" said the husband "A long time ago a man called Lord was buried here & three days later he rose from the dead."
"And thats a chance I'm not prepared to take." {-) {-) {-)
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SCOUSE VASECTOMY.
After their 11th child a Liverpool couple decided that was enough. The social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to the doctors and told him of their decision, no more kids.
The doctor explained that a vasectomy would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear whilst counting to 10. %% %% %%
The scouser said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how that is going to help me." >:-o >:-o
"Trust me" said the doctor "It will do the job." O0 O0 O0
The man went home and lit a large banger and put it in a beer can which he held to his ear. :-)) :-))
He then started to count "1,2,3,4,5," at which point he paused. O0 O0
He placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue to count on his other hand. :o :o :o
This procedure also works in Hull. and parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales. {-) {-) {-)
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A man walks up to his mate in a pub and says "My mother in law just died." <:( <:( <:(
"Thats terrible" says his mate "But why is your tee shirt all ripped?"
"Well" says the man "She put up one hell of a fight!" {-) {-) {-)
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A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said "Its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What should we buy for her? She'd like something electric."
"OK" says the husband "How about a chair?" {-) {-) {-)
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I have just found out that a mate of mine as started drinking brake fluid %% %% %%
When I expressed my concern he told me not to worry as he could stop anytime he wants. {-) {-) {-)
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Some fool just sent me the following text.
g
a
b
n
Its bang out of order.
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I have applied for a job at the local mental hospital. %% %% %%
During the interview they stated that some experience with nutters would be an advantage. O0 O0 O0
Now let me see how long have I been on this site. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Sid, "I took my dog to the vet today, it bit the mother-in-law." :o :o :o
John asked "Did you have it put down?" O0 O0 O0
"Not likely." said Sid "I had its teeth sharpened." {-) {-) {-)
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I have just returned home from work to find all the windows and doors open and everything gone. <:( <:( <:(
What kind of sick swine would do that to someones..................Advent calender? <*< <*< <*<
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THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son said "All you expletives who want to get off, get off now cos we're in a rush."
Horrified the mother went in and told her son. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours. >:-o >:-o >:-o When you come out you may play with your train again but you must use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and continued to play with his train set.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." %) %) %)
The boy continues "For those of you just boarding we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train and we hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey %) %) %) %)
As the mother began to smile the boy added.
"For those of you peed off by the TWO HOUR delay, please see the FAT CONTROLLER in the kitchen." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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THE NEXT PANDEMIC!
I went to a dinner party last night where I and the other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. O0 O0 O0
I awoke this morning not feeling well with what could be described as flu symptoms; headache, nausea, sore eyes etc. {:-{ {:-{ {:-{
Initial test results reveal I am suffering from what the experts call WINE FLU. %% %% %% %%
This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears I am not an isolated case. ;D ;D
Reports are flooding in of others diagnosed with WINE FLU. To anyone thats starts to exhibit the aforementioned telltale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
However should your symptoms continue you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil. Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If none of the above work, then a further application of the original liquid in similar quantities as the original dose has been shown to do the trick.
WINE FLU does not need to be life threatening and if treated early, a cure is usual within 24-48 hours.
BOTTOMS UP. {-) {-) {-) {-)
PLEASE NOTE.
If you find you are complaining a lot, it maybe that it has mutated into WHINE FLU. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their women where the symptoms observed will be a serious case of eye rolling.
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HOLY HUMOUR.
After loading all the Popes luggage into the limo at the airport the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican and I 'd really like to have a go today." O0
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver. {:-{
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile. :} :} :}
Reluctantly the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. %) %)
(Remember the Pope is German) So the driver quickly regrets his decision when after leaving the airport the Pontiff floors it accelerating to 205 kph. <:( <:( <:(
"Please slow down Your Holiness!" pleads the driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. :police: :police:
"Oh dear God I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. :(( :(( :((
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief." he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him." says the Chief <*< <*< <*<
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important." says the cop. {-) {-)
The Chief explodes "All the more reason!" he exclaims. <*< <*<
"No I mean REALLY important," persists the cop.
The Chief then asked "Who do you have there, the mayor?" "Bigger." replies the cop.
"A senator?" asks the Chief. "Bigger." replies the cop.
"The President?" asks the Chief. "Bigger." replies the cop.
"Well" says the Chief "Just who the heck have you got there?"
"Well" says the cop "I think it's GOD!" "God!" replies the Chief "And just what makes you think its God?" >>:-( >>:-(
The cop takes a deep breath and says "Well the Pope is ------------------ his chauffeur." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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REVENGE!!!
A man walks into a bar, strolls up to the barman and orders a beer.
The barman replies "Certainly Sir, that will be one penny." %% %%
"A penny?" :o :o said the man and looking at the menu asked "How much for a 12oz rump steak and a bottle of wine?"
"£1" said the barman
"£1" exclaimed the man "Wheres the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replied "Upstairs with my wife." :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
"And whats he doing upstairs with your wife?" asked the man %) %) %)
The barman replied "The same thing.........................as I'm doing to his business down here." {-) {-) {-)
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Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. :} :} :}
The hard part was convincing her that Dignitas was Swiss for spa. {-) {-) {-)