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Author Topic: Colin H's Jokes  (Read 41213 times)

Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #125 on: October 31, 2010, 09:27:40 pm »



Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen. <:( <:( <:(


Further tests revealed it to actually be.........................a field of carrots. {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #126 on: October 31, 2010, 09:37:26 pm »


The Old Bill (police) have no sense of humour!! :police: :police:


I got stopped at midnight whilst walking home and was asked where I was going. >:-o >:-o


I replied I was going to listen to a lecture on the effects of alcohol on the human body! %% %%


The Old Bill laughs and says "And just who's going to give a lecture at this time of night."


I said "THE WIFE, WHO ELSE!" {-) {-) {-)
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gondolier88

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #127 on: November 01, 2010, 06:56:19 am »
Quote from: Colin H on October 31, 2010, 09:27:40 pm


Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen. <:( <:( <:(


Further tests revealed it to actually be.........................a field of carrots. {-) {-) {-)

 {-) {-) {-) Keep 'em comin!
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #128 on: November 01, 2010, 04:42:23 pm »



I bumped my head last night. <:( <:( <:(


So I rubbed some margarine on it. :-)) :-)) :-))


Woke this morning I can't believe its not..............BETTER {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #129 on: November 01, 2010, 04:50:09 pm »


As I walked past the fridge earlier I thought I heard an onion singing a BEEGEES song. %% %%


But when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin... O0 O0


I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion. :D :D :D


But it said " I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' a chive... {-) {-) {-)
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davidm1945

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #130 on: November 01, 2010, 06:05:52 pm »


     AAAAARGH.......
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gondolier88

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #131 on: November 01, 2010, 07:36:10 pm »
Quote from: Colin H on November 01, 2010, 04:50:09 pm

As I walked past the fridge earlier I thought I heard an onion singing a BEEGEES song. %% %%


But when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin... O0 O0


I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion. :D :D :D


But it said " I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' a chive... {-) {-) {-)

Quote from: gondolier88 on November 01, 2010, 06:56:19 am
{-) {-) {-) Keep 'em comin!

Maybe not :(( :-))
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #132 on: November 01, 2010, 10:06:47 pm »


Can't win em all. Don't you like the Gibb Brothers.


Colin H. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #133 on: November 01, 2010, 10:14:42 pm »



I approached this ugly woman in a night club and asked if she had a pen?


Being excited about a man showing interest in her she replied with a smile "Yes I have."


As she reached into her handbag I said.


Well you better get back in it before the Farmer finds out you've escaped. {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #134 on: November 01, 2010, 10:18:15 pm »



The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 5 & 11?


Paddy replied "Primary School." %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #135 on: November 02, 2010, 04:33:45 pm »



A mild looking man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.


"Have you done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.


Well on a trip to North Wales I came across a biker gang who were hassling a young lady." He replied.


"And what did you do?" asked St Peter.


"Well I asked them to desist, but they wouldn't listen"


"AND" asked St Peter.


"So I walked up to the biggest most tattooed biker and hit him. I then kicked his bike over and ripped out his earring." Replied our man.


St Peter impressed said "And when did this happen?"



The man looked at his watch and replied "Oh about two minutes ago." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #136 on: November 02, 2010, 10:17:36 pm »



You are in the queue at Tesco, when you realise you must pass wind. O0 O0


The music is very loud so you decide you will do, what you have to do in time with the loudest parts. %) %)


A couple of songs later you are feeling much more relaxed. :-)) :-))


However when you reach the front of the queue you see everyone is staring at you. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:


It is only then that you realise you were listening..................to your Ipod. {-) {-) {-)
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HS93 (RIP)

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #137 on: November 03, 2010, 12:28:31 am »
Great keep e'm comming

Peter
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #138 on: November 03, 2010, 09:50:55 pm »



Me: "Whats that smell?"


Wife: "I can't smell anything."


Me: "Neither can I so get the cooker on I am hungry."
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #139 on: November 03, 2010, 09:54:03 pm »



A recent report found that 60% of 14 year old scouser girls go binge drinking. :kiss: :kiss:


That terrible just who's looking after their kids? {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #140 on: November 03, 2010, 10:21:10 pm »



Paddy's Dad died and Paddy's sobbing his socks off. <:( <:( <:(


Just then the phone rings Paddy answers and after a couple of minutes he is in a worse state. <:( <:( <:( <:( <:( <:(


Mick asks "Paddy whats happened now?"


Paddy replies "That was my sister..............................her Dads died too! {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #141 on: November 04, 2010, 03:22:59 pm »


Nelson Mandela is sat at home watching TV and having a beer.


There comes a frantic knocking at the door. When he opens the door there stands a little chinaman with a clip board.


The little man obviously agitated is yelling "You sign............You sign." >>:-( >>:-(


Amazed Nelson looks behind the little guy and see a truck full of car parts. :o :o


"I haven't ordered these" says Nelson. >:-o >:-o


The chinaman puzzled consults his clip board and says.


"You not Nissan Main Deala." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #142 on: November 04, 2010, 03:33:39 pm »



A Chinaman goes for a job interview at the local factory.


The boss liking what he sees hires him saying "Okay Mr Ching your in charge of supplies. :D :D


A few hours later the boss is looking for Mr Ching to see how he is getting on, but no one has seen him. >:-o >:-o


The boss is about to give up. When Mr Ching jumps out of a cupboard scaring the boss to death :o :o


As he jumps out the cupboard Mr Ching yells "SUPPLIES" {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #143 on: November 04, 2010, 10:06:11 pm »



All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. :D :D :D


Trouble is that after a few years the nympho leaves. <:( <:( <:(


But the maniac stays. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #144 on: November 04, 2010, 10:32:03 pm »


Mick walks into Paddy's barn to find him doing a sexy striptease to a big red machine. :o :o :o


Mick asks "What the heck are you doing Paddy?"


"Well me and the Missus haven't been getting on to well lately so we've been to see a therapist." :embarrassed: :embarrassed:


"Tell me more." says Mick.


Paddy replies "Well he said I should do something sexy to A TRACTOR."
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HS93 (RIP)

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #145 on: November 04, 2010, 10:51:19 pm »
Colin A night out in Nottingham

Scouser
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #146 on: November 04, 2010, 10:59:41 pm »

WHOOOOO! HOOOOO!

Now thats what I call a sexy movement. {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)


And cracking lipstick. %% %% %% %%



Colin H.
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HS93 (RIP)

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #147 on: November 04, 2010, 11:02:46 pm »
Ive sent a few lads around with a present I hope you like it.  <*< >>:-(
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #148 on: November 04, 2010, 11:04:57 pm »



I've always got on well with the Just For Dummy guides. %% %% %%

Colin H.
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Double D

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #149 on: November 05, 2010, 07:12:51 am »
How about this scouse keyboard!!!!
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