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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2020  (Read 52676 times)

jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #350 on: October 02, 2020, 12:05:49 pm »

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BeeJay UK

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #351 on: October 02, 2020, 01:33:14 pm »

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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #352 on: October 07, 2020, 09:17:30 am »


After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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raflaunches

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #353 on: October 07, 2020, 09:31:06 am »

Think they are the standard jokes amongst most aircraft engineers! {-)
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Nick B

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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #354 on: October 07, 2020, 11:52:29 am »

Easy......eat plenty of Kangaroo stew & your Pilots too could attain the ultimate accolade [still, as of January 2020]    O0  ........ Derek


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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #355 on: October 07, 2020, 12:34:57 pm »

Disneyland is in trouble apparently Snow White Tweeted that she has  spent the night feeling Grumpy.She's been reported for abusing a Miner
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raflaunches

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #356 on: October 07, 2020, 12:48:07 pm »

The final snag should read:


Pilot: strange whimpering sounds heard under instrument panel
Solution: gave hammer back to midget and told him to behave!
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Nick B

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roycv

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #357 on: October 07, 2020, 01:06:53 pm »

When I was a radar techie in RAF we had a navigation radar called Green Satin.  If the aircraft (Bristol Britannia transport a/c) banked more than 20 degrees or so it would sometimes lose the red light which confirmed there was a good radar signal.
So Pilot would report "Lost red Light"  I leave you to think of all the answers that ensued and bearing in mind how prissy some of the pilots were it was a difficult path to tread.

Roy, J/T 5011650


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BeeJay UK

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #358 on: October 07, 2020, 01:50:00 pm »

When I was a radar techie in RAF we had a navigation radar called Green Satin.  If the aircraft (Bristol Britannia transport a/c) banked more than 20 degrees or so it would sometimes lose the red light which confirmed there was a good radar signal.
So Pilot would report "Lost red Light"  I leave you to think of all the answers that ensued and bearing in mind how prissy some of the pilots were it was a difficult path to tread.

Roy, J/T 5011650


That reminds me of a situation in Jersey in the ?? 1950's. About 300yds or so away alongside the runway at Jersey airport is a church with a steeple. The aviation powers that be decided that there had to be a red obstruction light on the top of the steeple. The idea of a red light, with all its connotations on a church caused a massive controversy at the time. Prissy wasn't in it, I didn't live there at the time but people still talked about it when I moved there 20 years later. My first in-laws lived about 100yds from that church & the red light was very bright, visible for miles on a clear night.
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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #359 on: October 07, 2020, 02:10:42 pm »

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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #360 on: October 07, 2020, 02:11:11 pm »



So apparently, replying to a Wedding invitation;   'Maybe next time',   isn't an acceptable response!

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BeeJay UK

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #361 on: October 07, 2020, 02:12:45 pm »


So apparently, replying to a Wedding invitation;   'Maybe next time',   isn't an acceptable response!



But probably pretty apt these days. I would probably tell them no as I was bored at his last wedding & the food was rubbish.
I only ever go to weddings for the free scoff.
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BeeJay UK

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #362 on: October 07, 2020, 03:17:00 pm »





Apparently Antenna Island is one of the Flatvaer Islands in the Antarctic. I didn't know they made anything there though.



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Tug Fanatic

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A Warning about Shopping for Older Men
« Reply #363 on: October 07, 2020, 03:20:57 pm »

 This is the first warning I have seen for older men regarding the dangers of shopping alone so I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. It's a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Asda, Tesco & Sainsbury. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two very nice looking, girls will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windscreen with a cloth and Glass cleaner with their chests almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a lift to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 5th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 16th, again on the 18th, 19th, 23rd, and then the 30th. Also September 2nd, 5th, 10th, twice on the 11th &13th and then the 20th, 22nd and finally the 28th. It might well happen again this coming weekend.


Tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Asda has wallets on sale for £2.99 each but I found even cheaper ones for £1.00 at Poundland.

So please, tell your friends to be on the lookout for this evil scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


PS If this infringes Forum Morality clauses please delete it. I will get the message.
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SteamboatPhil

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #364 on: October 07, 2020, 08:10:10 pm »

Noted and alarm set  :} :} :} :} :}
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RST

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #365 on: October 07, 2020, 08:49:31 pm »

You sure those girls are using cloths and not toilet rolls? That might help explain the shortage again? LoL
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radiojoe

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #366 on: October 07, 2020, 09:12:24 pm »

Two wallets on order (buy one get one free) for when I have my present one stolen,   %% :}


Joe.
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Baldrick

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #367 on: October 08, 2020, 08:36:35 am »

In this autumn weather their are no lengths you should not explore in order to maintain a clean car windscreen
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roycv

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #368 on: October 08, 2020, 08:37:56 am »

Hi all, well timed. I have just got over 3 days of a mystery ilness and needed a good laugh.  I shall be off to Morrisons next to see if this scam is starting to spread.
Roy :-))
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Martin [Admin]

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #369 on: October 08, 2020, 10:10:40 am »


Happy to hear you're libido has recovered too Roy!
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #370 on: October 08, 2020, 10:17:35 am »

I do a lot of small shopping at Lidl so I wont see them, they probably know that those who shop at Lidl and Aldi are looking for saving money so are regarded as skin flints - which I am, hence why when I go to ASDA, I go with the wife, i've already had my wallet temporarily stolen by her.
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #371 on: October 08, 2020, 10:15:58 pm »

 The man was looking around the used car lot. The salesman tried to interest him in a few models but they were all too expensive. Eventually the salesman asked him outright how much he wanted to spend. “Fifty quid.” said the man.
   “For that sort of money all I’ve got is an old pony trap.” said the salesman “Yours for Forty quid.”
    The man was worried about getting a pony for a tenner but the salesman directed him to an experimental farm just down the road. They didn’t have a pony but sold him a six foot chicken. The chicken took to pulling the trap like a duck to water and it wasn’t long before the man wanted to try out the speed of his new purchases. Out on the motorway he soon had the chicken doing fifty, a crack of the whip and he was up to seventy. Making sure there were no police patrols in sight he took the chicken up to a hundred. Suddenly disaster struck, one of the reins broke and the chicken was off like greased lightning. The trap skidded all over the motorway narrowly missing a few lorries and ended up on the central reservation. Inevitably the police arrived a little later “Hello, Hello, what have we here then?”
v
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v
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   “Officer, officer my big hens gone.”
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #372 on: October 08, 2020, 10:18:32 pm »

 The archaeologist needed some camels for his desert expedition and went to the camel market. Having detailed his requirement the dealer told him he would need 20 day camels explaining this was the time the camel could go without water. The archaeologist was worried that the dealer might not have enough 20 day camels. “Do not worry Efendi” said the dealer “come with me.” and took him to the water hole. The dealer went up behind a camel that was peacefully drinking and smashed two bricks together in its groin. Not surprisingly the camel gave a huge intake of breath, simultaneously sucking in gallons of water.
   “Doesn’t that hurt?” asked the archaeologist.
   “Only if you catch your thumbs.”
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CGAux26

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #373 on: October 08, 2020, 11:46:02 pm »

YYYYY am I still getting notifications for Jokes & Humor, What Have You Bought This Week, and New to the Forum, after checking "Unnotify" on all of them??


HELP, MARTIN, HELP!
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
« Reply #374 on: October 09, 2020, 06:34:45 am »

I’ve been keeping an eye out for a similar scam at Woolworths, Coles, and Aldi, here in Australia, but so far have not seen any evidence of it. I’ll keep looking though, my windscreen definitely needs cleaning  {-)


Peter.
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