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Author Topic: Best Put down you've used or heard.....  (Read 5625 times)

grasshopper

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2007, 07:32:21 PM »

The lights are on but no-one's home
The wheel's going round but the hamster's dead
The gates are down but there's no train coming
as stupid as a box of frogs
You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one...
Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.
You're about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..
Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!
You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.
I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have anywhere to put it!
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?
When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?
I've seen better hands on a leper!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with both feet.
So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
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sheerline

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #26 on: September 28, 2007, 08:33:42 PM »

When being addressed in a harsh manner by the missus I often quote a phrase once uttered by John Cleese:
"I'm sorry, but are you speaking to me or is there a dog in here"!
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Wetwater

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2007, 11:48:23 PM »

I was once approached by a female belonging to a certain profession.  "Are you looking for a NICE girl" she asked.
"Do you know of any" I replied.  She went off in a huff.
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Alan.

tobyker

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2007, 11:57:12 PM »

Army officer's report " This officer is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot".

After the Revolution, Prince Youssopov fled Russia and lived in California. At a social gathering, some woman came up to him and showed off her earrings - which were "genuine russian malactite" (a green semi-precious stone). His reaction - " how nice - in the Winter Palace we had a staircase made of that". 
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MikeK

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2007, 08:47:35 AM »

Wow, grasshopper ! Some creative ones there - Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you !  ;D ;D
Mike
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tigertiger

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #30 on: September 29, 2007, 09:18:23 AM »

You're about as much use as t1ts on a kipper.
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Bunkerbarge

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #31 on: September 29, 2007, 04:46:58 PM »

Another old one:

You've got a face like a bulldog licking p1ss of a nettle.

And two of Billy Connoley's classics,

You're about as welcome as a fart in a space suit.

You're about as popular as a 'xxxxx' in a swimming pool.

Then a couple of others I hav remembered,

You're about as much use as a chocolate fireguard

You're as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike
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boatmadman

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #32 on: September 29, 2007, 04:53:16 PM »

you are as effective as a fart in a thunderstorm.
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tobyker

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #33 on: September 29, 2007, 07:05:38 PM »

meridian has mixed up two Winston stories.

1. (To Bessie Braddock, a massive Labour MP in the '50s) " Bessie, you're ugly" - "Winston, you're drunk" - "Indeed madam, but I shall be sober in the morning".

2. Lady Astor - "Winston, If I were married to you I'd put strychnine in your morning coffee"
    Winston -        "Nancy, if I were married to you, I'd drink it".
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roycv

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #34 on: September 29, 2007, 07:48:59 PM »

Hi all a few quotes.
Oscar Wilde with reference to his Mother-in-law.

"She has lost the art of conversation but retained the gift of speech".

This one from a school report.

"The improvement in his writing has revealed an inability to spell".

Eleanor Roosevelt had a rose named after her and she looked up the recommendations for planting and saw "No good in bed, better up against a wall".  She used to tell this story herself.

Regards Roy
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #35 on: September 29, 2007, 08:36:46 PM »

A few more points on his IQ and he qualifies for MENCAP
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Colin H

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #36 on: September 29, 2007, 08:46:06 PM »

Lady of the night, Looking for business dearie, potential client How Much?

Lady of the night 5 dearie. Ex potential client I want to f--k you not buy you.

Colin H
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Bunkerbarge

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2007, 09:24:23 PM »

For a fiver!!  Blimey you must be going back a long time Colin!!
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Colin H

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2007, 10:10:30 PM »

Comes with age BB comes with age. Back to when the taxi meter started at half-a-crown.


Colin H.
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wombat

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #39 on: September 29, 2007, 10:18:41 PM »

Once caused some offence to a friend by commenting on his wife's driving....

"She's probably stuck at the front of a slow moving queue of traffic"

When asked if I am enjoying myself at work, I too often respond "I could have more fun in a cat's litter tray - a used one"
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #40 on: September 30, 2007, 12:40:25 PM »

"Waste of protein"
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Ghost in the shell

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #41 on: September 30, 2007, 12:57:01 PM »

aimed at me

"ive deen fatter skeletons!" back when I heard it it used to get under my skin, now it sometimes reply "id rather be thin than ugly, at least i can do something about it"
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wombat

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #42 on: September 30, 2007, 12:57:01 PM »

If I paddled in your gene pool, I wouldn't get the tops of my toes wet
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maninthestreet

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Re: Best Put down you've used or heard.....
« Reply #43 on: September 30, 2007, 01:47:14 PM »

"I can't hear what you're saying, it's muffled by your underpants"

"They ruined a good set of teeth when they put a mouth in your *rse"

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