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Author Topic: Colin H's Jokes  (Read 41038 times)

Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #100 on: October 27, 2010, 10:36:11 pm »



Due to the sad state of my sex life. I have converted to Islam.



My new name is Seldom Bin Layed...... O0 O0
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #101 on: October 28, 2010, 04:24:37 pm »




My wife complains I'm immature and says we should set aside a day to talk through the problem. %% %%



Like thats going to happen.........In the middle of conker season. {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #102 on: October 28, 2010, 04:32:43 pm »



Paddy rushes his pregnant wife into the maternity hospital as shes gone into labour. :-)) :-))



On their arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?" O0 O0



Paddy replies "Ah jaysus shes over the moon! {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #103 on: October 28, 2010, 04:39:58 pm »



I borrowed a DVD from my mate called Bald and Barely Legal. :kiss: :kiss:


Rushing home, I closed my curtains and put the disc in the machine. %) %)


I sat back on the settee and relaxed ready to be entertained. O0 O0 O0


I felt such a plonker to find it was a Department of transport film about tyre tread depths. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #104 on: October 28, 2010, 04:43:36 pm »



A shark, a crab, a lobster and a Liverpudlian.


Which is the odd one out?


The Shark

All the others wear shellsuits and pinch like hell. {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #105 on: October 28, 2010, 04:56:16 pm »



An Irishman a Aussie and a Scouser are sat in a bar.


They spot Lord sat all on his own. So they each send him a drink. O0 O0


Lord sups each pint slowly and then walks over to the three men.


He shakes the Irishmans hand and thanks him for the Guinness :-)) :-))


"Blimey say Paddy my arthritis has gone."  :D :D


Lord then shakes the Aussies hand and thanks him for the Fosters. :-)) :-))


"Crikey" he says "Me bad backs cured. :D :D


Lord then approaches the Scouser, who runs away yelling. Bu--er off I'm on disability!!!" {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #106 on: October 28, 2010, 05:00:09 pm »



I want a dog but I'm not getting a Labrador.


Its frightening how many Labrador owners you see who have gone blind.
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #107 on: October 28, 2010, 05:02:07 pm »



Lord Charles has taken Ray Allens death really badly. <:( <:( <:(


He hasn't said a word since it happened. %% %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #108 on: October 28, 2010, 10:15:46 pm »



A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban.


And she is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(


A year later she returns for a further visit.


This time she is delighted to find that now the men must walk five paces behind the women. :-)) :-))


She asks the interpreter "What bought about such a remarkable change?"


His one word reply was.




"LANDMINES!" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #109 on: October 28, 2010, 10:25:58 pm »



Paddy finds a sandwich with two red wires sticking out of it. %% %%


He calls the police and says "Bejasus I've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." O0 O0 O0


The operator asks "Is it ticking?"


"Oh no" says Paddy "I tink its beef." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #110 on: October 28, 2010, 10:28:47 pm »



Paddy's doing a crossword.


He asks Mick "How do you spell paint?" {:-{ {:-{


Mick replies "What colour?" %% %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #111 on: October 28, 2010, 10:31:07 pm »



Iron Man is a superhero. :-)) :-))


Iron woman is an order. >>:-( >>:-(
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #112 on: October 28, 2010, 10:35:01 pm »


Seen in England during this years world cup.


Show support and raise awareness for "erect ile" dysfunction.


If you suffer; Please add a white flag with a red cross to your car or van. {-) {-)
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HS93 (RIP)

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #113 on: October 29, 2010, 12:35:19 am »
Er your getting a bit  Scouserfobic <*<

Peter %% :}

keep up the good work and leave us alone

ok dont  <:(
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amdaylight

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #114 on: October 29, 2010, 10:32:14 am »
All right I will bite, what is a "Scouser"?  {:-{

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #115 on: October 29, 2010, 03:32:34 pm »
Quote from: amdaylight on October 29, 2010, 10:32:14 am
All right I will bite, what is a "Scouser"?  {:-{

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
A native of the great seaport of Liverpool, sort of like Hollywood Cockneys, but with rather less pearly buttons sown to the suit, a rather more nasal accent, and a much bigger collection of somebody else's hubcaps wheels and tyres. Also less inclined to burst into spontaneous song and dance.
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #116 on: October 29, 2010, 05:19:21 pm »
Hi Chaps & Chapesse's

It has been made known to me that some of the jokes have been getting to close to the knuckle.

If I have upset anyone I can only apologise.


Colin H.
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HS93 (RIP)

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #117 on: October 29, 2010, 05:24:33 pm »
they haven't upset me keep em comming us scousers like to moan it's in our makeup  (by makeup I don't mean the type southern Jessie's Men  whear)  no keep em comming. I Pass them on to my wife each night. I liked the recent Labrador Joke.


Peter
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #118 on: October 29, 2010, 05:42:19 pm »
Quote
It has been made known to me that some of the jokes have been getting to close to the knuckle.

If I have upset anyone I can only apologise.


No need to apologise, just a few slightly on the fringes that's all. The only danger then is of someone jumping in and trying to cap it and then, as we have seen in the past, things go rapidly downhill. Your posts have been great examples of how jokes can be very funny without resorting to bad language or crudity.

Colin
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #119 on: October 30, 2010, 02:17:37 pm »


A Bit Late In The Day But The English Will Understand It.


Duran Duran re-released an old classic for the world cup.


His name is Rio and he watches from the stand %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #120 on: October 30, 2010, 02:32:36 pm »



A man had great tickets for the world cup final. :-)) :-))


As he sits down another man comes up to him and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.


"No." The man replies "The seat is empty."


"This is incredible!" says the other man "Who in their right mind would have a great seat like this and not use it?"


"Well." the first guy replies "The seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me."


"Unfortunately she passed away. This is the first final we haven't been to together since we got married." <:( <:( <:(


The other guy replies "Oh I am sorry to hear that. But couldn't you find someone else to come with you?"


The first guy shakes his head. "No I am afraid not.............They're all at the FUNERAL." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #121 on: October 30, 2010, 02:41:58 pm »



I was walking past a mental hospital today.


Over the high fence I could hear everyone shouting 13...13...13...13...13.


Being curious, I wanted to know what was going on? So I looked through a hole in the fence.


As I did so, someone poked me straight in the eye. >:-o >:-o >:-o


I jumped back, and from over the fence came 14...14...14...14...14. {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #122 on: October 30, 2010, 02:51:50 pm »



JUST FOR PETER.


A policeman pulls over a scouser for having a dog in the front seat of his car.  :police: :police:


As the policeman approaches the car he sees the scouser hit the dog over the head. %% %%


The copper asks him. "Why have you just smacked your dog over he head?" >:-o >:-o


Quick as a flash the scouser replies "Cos he just ate me road tax disc!!"  {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #123 on: October 30, 2010, 09:48:36 pm »



Judge to Child: "Do you want to live with your mother?"


Child "No!"


Judge "Why not?"


Child: "She beats me."


Judge: "Okay, so do you want to live with your Dad?"


Child: "NO."


Judge: "Why not?"


Child: "Because he beats me too."


Judge "Okay, so who do you want to live with?"


Child: "The English Football Team."


Judge: "WHY?"


Child: "Because they NEVER beat anyone!" {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #124 on: October 31, 2010, 01:51:17 pm »


ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE TWO NUNS.


One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM).


The other was known as Sister Logical (SL).


It is getting dark and they are still far away from the safety of the convent.


SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 minutes? I wander what he wants."


SL: "It's logical. He wants to molest us."


SM: "Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?"


SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."


A LITTLE WHILE LATER.


SM: "It's not working."


SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He's walking faster too."


SM: "So what shall we do? At this rate he will be upon us in one minute."


SL: "The only logical thing to do is split up. He cannot follow us both."


The man decides to follow Sister Logical.


SM: arrives at the convent and is worried what has befallen SL>


Then SL arrives.


SM: "Thank God your here! Tell me what happened?"


SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run and he ran after me."


SM "AND?"


SL: The only logical thing happened. He caught me."


SM: "Oh dear! What did you do?"


SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress."


SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"


SL: "He did the only logical thing. He pulled his pants down."


SM: "Oh no! What happened then?"


SL: "Isn't it logical Sister? Nun with dress up can run faster than man with pants down."


And for those of you who thought it would have a dirty ending.


GO AND SIT ON THE NAUGHTY STOOL AND SAY TWO HAIL MARYS!
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