Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 160058 times)

RichyB · « **Reply #25 on:** November 01, 2011, 09:20:18 am »

The mother of 11 children was becoming increasingly concerned that her husband no longer found her attractive, due to the collateral damage caused to that intimate area following 11 births. She went to see her GP who referred her to a Surgeon who asked what the problem was. She explained that after 11 births she would like the area in question to look like a newly opening flower instead of a badly stuffed kebab.
The Surgeon agreed to take on the operation, and all went well. On waking up in the recovery room after the operation, she noticed three bunches of beautiful Roses at the foot of her bed, and asked the nurse who they were from.
“The first is from your Surgeon and his team, to congratulate you on a successful operation, and for being a model patient.” Explained the nurse, “The second is from your Husband to assure you that he loves you very much, and can’t wait to get you home” “And the third bunch asks the patient”.

“Oh” She exclaims, “There from Eric in the burns unit downstairs to say thanks you for his new ears”

Wetwater · « **Reply #26 on:** November 04, 2011, 11:04:29 pm »

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' ... He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #27 on:** November 05, 2011, 09:37:04 am »

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #28 on:** November 05, 2011, 10:01:10 am »

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #29 on:** November 06, 2011, 09:43:02 am »

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense lawyer during a trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded at the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir we share the building within the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

ben hall · « **Reply #30 on:** November 07, 2011, 11:02:51 pm »

this is what my sis thinks of these photos

my she is gunna kill me lol

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #31 on:** November 17, 2011, 02:53:11 pm »

Places I have and have not been......

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deeptrouble many times. The older I get, the easier it is to get there....

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #32 on:** November 19, 2011, 01:08:40 am »

For my IT friends...

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #33 on:** November 19, 2011, 04:27:08 am »

HS93 (RIP) · « **Reply #34 on:** November 19, 2011, 10:54:22 am »

Saw this today on the Daily Mash site. somethink I thought may be handy for some time

peter

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #35 on:** November 21, 2011, 07:52:06 pm »

john44 · « **Reply #36 on:** November 21, 2011, 08:28:23 pm »

I asked my wife what she would like for a Christmas present, she replied quote " something thats got lots of diamonds"
I have just bought her a beautiful pack of playing cards.

john

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #37 on:** November 21, 2011, 08:30:54 pm »

catengineman · « **Reply #38 on:** November 23, 2011, 09:12:48 pm »

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #39 on:** November 23, 2011, 11:41:02 pm »

Guess what, poor John 44 has been dealt a raw deal by his wife

essex2visuvesi · « **Reply #40 on:** November 24, 2011, 06:56:14 am »

Quote from: john44 on November 21, 2011, 08:28:23 pm

I asked my wife what she would like for a Christmas present, she replied quote " something thats got lots of diamonds"
I have just bought her a beautiful pack of playing cards.

john

Might not be a wise idea
http://www.youtube.com/v/k1ZGIN0UqJE

john44 · « **Reply #41 on:** November 24, 2011, 05:17:37 pm »

Quote from: Essex2visuvesi on November 24, 2011, 06:56:14 am

Might not be a wise idea
http://www.youtube.com/v/k1ZGIN0UqJE

I see what you mean, I wonder if her mother would like them?

The long Build · « **Reply #42 on:** December 03, 2011, 06:40:28 pm »

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

john s 2 · « **Reply #43 on:** December 03, 2011, 07:43:10 pm »

Priceless. John.

Wetwater · « **Reply #44 on:** December 03, 2011, 10:16:48 pm »

Brilliant.

catengineman · « **Reply #45 on:** December 04, 2011, 09:33:37 pm »

Just fantastic

ben hall · « **Reply #46 on:** December 05, 2011, 05:58:07 pm »

sounds like you where listening in on my class

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #47 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:31:24 pm »

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #48 on:** December 05, 2011, 10:54:59 pm »

Government pays more and you get to keep the proceeds

andyn · « **Reply #49 on:** December 07, 2011, 12:39:23 am »

News:

Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 160058 times)

RichyB

RaaArtyGunner

RaaArtyGunner

ben hall

RaaArtyGunner

john44

catengineman

RaaArtyGunner

john44

The long Build

catengineman

ben hall

RaaArtyGunner

andyn