Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 163212 times)

malcolmfrary · « **Reply #350 on:** February 25, 2014, 05:24:41 pm »

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You take one up a church tower and throw it off to prove your moral and intellectual superiority.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #351 on:** February 25, 2014, 05:28:06 pm »

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.... The batteries were given out free of charge.

.... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.... A will is a dead giveaway.

.... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

.... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

.... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Netleyned · « **Reply #352 on:** February 25, 2014, 05:57:32 pm »

It's not the cough that carries you off
It's the coffin they carry you offin

Ned

Bob K · « **Reply #353 on:** February 25, 2014, 07:32:36 pm »

How about . . . .

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
5. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
7. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
8. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
9. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
10. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
11. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
12. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
15. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
16. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
17. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
18: The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
19: The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his orders.
20: A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.
21: The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

CGAux26 · « **Reply #354 on:** February 26, 2014, 09:59:39 pm »

Shifting keys for a bit:

A lady called up Oppornockity Piano Tuners to come and tune her piano.
The man came and worked for 2 hours tuning her piano, then quickly left.
Finding the piano still out of tune, she called the company to come back and re-tune her piano.
The receptionist at the company said "We can't do that. Opporknockity only tunes once."

As bad a pun as several of those above.

Mad Scientist · « **Reply #355 on:** February 27, 2014, 02:04:11 am »

It gets even stranger - there actually was a company called 'Oppornockety', which manufactured piano wires, and, yes, their motto was 'Only tunes once'!
The concept was based on 'new' research suggesting that metals which underwent a super-cold process became exceptionally dimensionally stable.

Here (I hope!) is a link: http://www.popsci.com/archive-viewer?id=eXtrmPzKrwcC&pg=35&query=piano%20tuning
Popular Science, August 1988, Page 35

Tom

derekwarner · « **Reply #356 on:** February 27, 2014, 04:48:23 am »

.................from the WEB..................Derek
______________________________________

Hi folks! david Jensen wrote:

My brother-in-law asked me if I had ever used
cryogenically treated wire.

Back in the 70s when I still messed around with modern
pianos, I remember an article in the PTG journal about
cryogenically treated piano wire. it was claimed at that
time that it made wire far more stable. There was also a
dreadful pun about calling the wire "oppornockety" since
oppornockety tunes only once (groan!)

Since shortly after that time I resigned the PTG during
harsh words over old tunings, I never did hear whether
the wire had any real merit.

Best!

Redstone

Peter Redstone,
Harpsichord & Fortepiano Maker,
P.O.Box 75, Claremont, VA 23899 USA

malcolmfrary · « **Reply #357 on:** March 29, 2014, 08:33:19 pm »

A guy in a restaurant orders squid from the menu, and is asked to select the one he wants cooked from the tank nearby. He looks at the squids on offer and spots a green one with a moustache hiding in the corner.

"I'd Like that one please" says the guy

"Sorry" say's the waiter "You can't have that one, it does the washing up. Its our light green hairy lip squid"

grub · « **Reply #358 on:** March 29, 2014, 09:33:16 pm »

A woman and her grandson were shopping in a supermarket.
The Grandmother realizes that the kid had picked a toy. She calls out; ''Degree", put that toy back".The kid returns the toy.Astonished, another customer asks ''Is that really his name? ''The Grandmother replies; ''Yes, I sent his mother to Oxford University and this is what she brought back"

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #359 on:** April 01, 2014, 11:19:31 pm »

30 Random Signs Seen Outside Of Restaurants Are Hilarious, Profound, Or Both.

http://www.viralnova.com/sidewalk-signs/

Neil · « **Reply #360 on:** April 02, 2014, 09:24:07 pm »

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

derekwarner · « **Reply #361 on:** April 02, 2014, 10:57:04 pm »

Wee Bit O' Irish Laughter...!

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND. "
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

------------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck." says the Guard.
"I know," says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe."

-----------

An answer I can understand, an American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies, "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #362 on:** April 03, 2014, 10:00:37 am »

This new exercise regime has been designed to not break the bank and provide instant success to all participants.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #363 on:** April 13, 2014, 12:29:57 pm »

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #364 on:** April 15, 2014, 02:23:11 pm »

These 32 People Had ONE JOB… And Failed Miserably

http://www.viralnova.com/failed-at-jobs/#ODmhWjsBWSRVKwFz.99

inertia · « **Reply #365 on:** May 09, 2014, 07:51:03 pm »

http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965

derekwarner · « **Reply #366 on:** May 09, 2014, 09:58:12 pm »

DM....that would rate as 15/10 in my book

........it's also about my level of understanding of iphone technology & the love of kitchen cooking

....Derek

inertia · « **Reply #367 on:** May 09, 2014, 11:28:14 pm »

Us cooking grandads must stick together - even if our sticky rice won't while our pasta insists on doing so.

seathug · « **Reply #368 on:** July 06, 2014, 12:34:12 am »

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.It chatters constantly at high speeds.Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

seathug · « **Reply #369 on:** July 06, 2014, 12:46:15 am »

Juan walking down the street with his head down
Feeling all guilty for losing morethan half of his money
On gambling
When he looked up
He was infront of a church
He decided to go inside and pray
juzt maybe if hell do some praying
God will hear his wishes

So he started

God please make me win
Sure enough god heared his wish
And god said
Juan you are lucky
Juan looked around ang he didn't see anyone else
God did you say im lucky
Yes juan you are lucky
Juan ran out of the church
and bet all of his money again
he was so sure his going to win this time
God said so
But he lost again and now out of money
He went back to the same church
God you said im lucky I bet all of my money and lost
Now I have no money at all
And god said
Juan you are lucky Im nailed to this cross or else i'd kicked your ass

jaymac · « **Reply #370 on:** July 06, 2014, 09:31:00 am »

Sea thug you wimped out on the motor bike one by not finishing with Arthur's reply

but then it would not have got through Ha!

malcolmfrary · « **Reply #371 on:** July 06, 2014, 10:58:15 pm »

Quote from: jaymac on July 06, 2014, 09:31:00 am

Sea thug you wimped out on the motor bike one by not finishing with Arthur's reply but then it would not have got through Ha!

Couldn't find Arthurs reply despite a diligent web search, but -

What do you call ten Harley owners lined up ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

How do you stop a Harley owner on horseback? Switch the roundabout off.

seathug · « **Reply #372 on:** July 06, 2014, 11:43:23 pm »

OK heres a question for everyone
Let see who gets it

You have 10 horses
And you have 9 boxes
You must put all 10 horses inside those 9 boxes
The hard part?
only 1 horse can fit in 1 box

jenno · « **Reply #373 on:** July 07, 2014, 12:22:12 am »

one letter in each stable T,e,n, h,o,r,s,e,s

seathug · « **Reply #374 on:** July 07, 2014, 12:25:31 am »

Misisispi is a long word if you can spell it your good

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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 163212 times)

inertia

inertia