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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4  (Read 160056 times)

dreadnought72

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Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« on: September 25, 2011, 09:34:07 pm »

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager. Spotting a bowl of peanuts on the counter, he reaches out to take a few. To his surprise the peanuts start talking to him. "My, how handsome you're looking tonight", they say.

Somewhat baffled the man assumes he is hearing things; he decides he needs a smoke and goes over to the cigarette vending machine to buy a packet, but as he approaches the cigarette machine, it begins to hurl abuse at him. "You ugly swine!", it shouts."Call yourself a man with your effeminate clothes? And your breath stinks, you moron!!"

Now totally rattled the man appeals to the barman. "What's going on?", he cries. "Am I going mad?" "Oh, I'm so sorry Sir", replies the barman. "I should have warned you. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".

Andy
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Dave13

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2011, 09:38:55 am »

LOL Andy  {-) {-) {-)
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2011, 02:21:28 pm »

 {-) {-)
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2011, 06:46:01 pm »

The Mother of All Ethnic Jokes
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans from various counties,  walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying,


                    "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai. "
 
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sjoormen

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2011, 03:01:40 pm »

pffft typical no Slovenian here either {-)
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lifejacket

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2011, 03:41:29 pm »

I said to the wife "Oi, fatty.. what do you want for your birthday..?"

" Just watch it" she said, "don't get lippy!!"...

"OK" I said... "mascara it is then..."  {-)
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jimmy2310

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2011, 04:43:39 pm »

One day while out shopping, Paddy sees a metallic cylinder on the shelf. Not sure what it was he asked the shop assistant what it was for.

"Thats a Thermos Flask" replied the shop assistant, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".

Paddy is amazed and buys one immediately. Next day at lunch John asks him whats is the Metal Cylinder.

Paddy replies "Thats a Thermos Flask, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

"Thats great Paddy, What have you got in it?" asked John.


Paddy proudly replies "Soup and a Choc Ice"
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2011, 05:49:54 pm »


A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND:
14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN
.... AND A 150 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2011, 06:45:05 pm »



 If you can read this, you're spending too much time in front of a computer screen!


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2011, 09:26:09 pm »

Γοββλερς   :-))
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2011, 01:35:20 am »

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Kangaroo1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2011, 08:20:53 pm »

A fairy tale:

One day, a very, very long time ago, there was this woman who did as she was told. She didn't complain, she didn't whinge and she didn't bitch....

But as I said, this was a very, very long time ago... and it was only ONE day!! ;)
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Kangaroo1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2011, 08:33:09 pm »

DRINKING VOCABULARY CHALLENGE

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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richtea

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2011, 08:46:47 pm »

 {-) {-) {-) :-))
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Dave13

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2011, 09:06:38 pm »

LMFAO  {-) {-)
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andyn

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2011, 09:13:09 pm »

Don't feel like doing any work today? Just hide from your boss ;)

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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2011, 09:03:19 am »


I've got 2 cats.
So I bought a large bag of Whiskas Biscuits at Woolies and was standing in line at the Check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a cat.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in An intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants Pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is Nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
Particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned By the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my backside clean and a car hit Me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out The door.

Stupid sheila...why else would I buy cat food?? O0 O0 O0

 

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roycv

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2011, 05:10:09 pm »

Hi all, I like this one.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

regards Roy
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2011, 06:04:30 pm »


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davidm1945

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2011, 08:40:04 pm »

Struck speechless Martin?   %)
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scoop

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2011, 12:38:25 am »


 "Thats a Thermos Flask, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

But how does it know which is which ?  :D
Scoop
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #21 on: October 19, 2011, 02:40:38 pm »

 :-)
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ben hall

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #22 on: October 19, 2011, 08:03:30 pm »

lol

rofl
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Dave13

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #23 on: October 19, 2011, 10:51:09 pm »

LOL that is so me!!!!! {-) {-) {-)
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #24 on: October 25, 2011, 11:09:58 pm »

 :-)
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