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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2022  (Read 93211 times)

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #75 on: April 01, 2022, 11:06:44 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #76 on: April 01, 2022, 11:07:24 pm »


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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #77 on: April 01, 2022, 11:08:04 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #78 on: April 13, 2022, 12:45:07 pm »



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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #79 on: April 14, 2022, 12:07:16 am »

OOPS...sorry


.....EDIT .......at first I thought this was fair-dinkum Martin, & probably for the back Office Staff @ your No10 Downing Street  O0  local Council Office


....until I saw the date.............. April 1st  {-)


Then I realised that it wasn't a joke at all  :-X


Having said this, I do not approve of Members of the Community as representatives of the masses....to be found with their mouths in the trough


Derek
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Derek Warner

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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #80 on: April 14, 2022, 04:44:39 am »

***Lets try and keep the political humour out of here, please***
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JoJoElbe

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #81 on: April 15, 2022, 08:35:12 am »

My wife just woke me up:"There's a bunch of people on our terrace!"

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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #82 on: April 15, 2022, 10:29:18 am »

Why  is this  print?
If you highlight it is visible
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #83 on: April 15, 2022, 04:49:56 pm »

                                                      Good news some holiday flights are getting away this Easter


aoops1.jpg




Bad news, not this one





aoops.jpg
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #84 on: April 18, 2022, 11:30:56 am »


Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”
 “I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said.
 “What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”


 The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can
.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
 The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.”
 “What’s intelligence?” said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and
said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
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john44

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #85 on: April 18, 2022, 01:12:39 pm »

My young nephew went for a job interview to be a bin man, his interview went well and he was asked when he would
like to start. My nephew asked about training and was told,you won’t need any you will pick it up as you go along.


Ok I’ll get me coat


John


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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #86 on: April 18, 2022, 01:39:07 pm »


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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #87 on: April 18, 2022, 01:40:23 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #88 on: April 18, 2022, 01:40:46 pm »

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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #89 on: April 18, 2022, 03:08:32 pm »


You never mentioned curry - picks me up every time  8)
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #90 on: April 18, 2022, 03:51:27 pm »

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant:
“Colour of eyes?”

Husband:
“Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant:
“Colour of hair?”

Husband:
“Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.”

Sergeant:
“What was she wearing?”

Husband:
“Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant:
“What kind of car did she go in

Husband:
“She went in my Audi”

Sergeant:
“What kind of Audi was it?”

-

-

-

-
Husband: (sobbing)
“Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
“Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant:
“Colour of eyes?”

Husband:
“Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant:
“Colour of hair?”

Husband:
“Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.”

Sergeant:
“What was she wearing?”

Husband:
“Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant:
“What kind of car did she go in

Husband:
“She went in my Audi”

Sergeant:
“What kind of Audi was it?”

-

-

-

-
Husband: (sobbing)
“Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
“Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #91 on: May 01, 2022, 07:16:58 am »

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SteamboatPhil

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #92 on: May 01, 2022, 05:32:03 pm »

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #93 on: May 01, 2022, 07:41:01 pm »

                                                     Tech Support
 
Tech Support
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #94 on: May 03, 2022, 03:10:52 am »

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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #95 on: May 03, 2022, 10:15:43 am »

deug
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jaymac

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #96 on: May 04, 2022, 07:31:22 pm »

                              A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and                              then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

                          The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me Madam                                   but I don’t know how to  say fractions. How do you say those
               
                        “Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom                                  number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is ‘two-thirds’, 3/4 is                            '‘three-fourths’, and 2/5 is ‘two-fifths’.”

                 “Thanks, I understand, “said the exchange student.

                  “Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
   
                 “Should I reduce?” asked the boy.

                 “That would be best,” said the teacher.
 
                 “One-second,” said the boy.

                 “Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #97 on: May 05, 2022, 04:44:30 pm »



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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #98 on: May 20, 2022, 08:09:42 pm »


I've been invited to a vegetarian evening, just packing my case....
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SteamboatPhil

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
« Reply #99 on: May 20, 2022, 08:36:07 pm »

I need one for mayhem  {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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