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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 275629 times)

taxi

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #525 on: August 24, 2009, 05:20:16 pm »

Naah!  Last night I saw one in the middle of the road with it's feet up in the air. :-)
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #526 on: August 24, 2009, 06:55:09 pm »

Why, ---------- dont they ?  {:-{

And some fell on stony ground.


NB this joke has just been voted funniest at the Edingburgh Festival - not a lot of laughs there then  :-X
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #527 on: August 25, 2009, 01:44:32 pm »

<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i124.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/Whenitisoktopeeinyourpants.flv">
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Colin H

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #528 on: August 25, 2009, 04:30:04 pm »

Hope this won't offend.

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer, the barman hands him his glass and asks for 5p. 5p said the man you sure?`sure said the barman`.

The man looks at the menu and asks `how much for a nice steak and a bottle of wine?` 10p came the reply.

`10p! where's the guy who owns this place?` `He is upstairs with my wife` replied the barman` `and whats he doing upstairs with your wife?` the man asked.

`Oh much the same as I am doing to his business down here` %% %%

Colin H.
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portside II

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #529 on: August 25, 2009, 06:19:10 pm »

I like that one Richard :-))  :-)) .
Colin 5p a pint who would be offended   :}
daz
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Colin H

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #530 on: August 25, 2009, 10:18:53 pm »

The man was dying with his wife at his bedside.

"My love" says he "I have something to confess". "There's no need" said his wife "just lay quietly".

"But I must, I want to die in peace. I have slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"

"I know" said his wife " now just rest, lay quietly and let the poison do its work". {-) {-) {-)

Colin H.
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #531 on: September 02, 2009, 09:56:31 am »

<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i124.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/LeafBlower.flv">
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catengineman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #532 on: September 02, 2009, 08:12:44 pm »

 {-) {-) {-)
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portside II

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #533 on: September 02, 2009, 10:59:39 pm »

wow with one of those who needs a bow thruster or even a prop :o  {-) {-) {-)
nice one Richard.
daz
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #534 on: September 04, 2009, 11:36:00 am »

 ok2
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #535 on: September 04, 2009, 11:47:07 am »

 {-)
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andyn

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #536 on: September 04, 2009, 03:25:48 pm »

Flight Lieutenant Smithers is flying his Harrier GR9 on patrol in Afghanistan. All of a sudden he spots two flying carpets, one to port and one to starboard, each armed with large machine guns and rocket-firing pods.

Sensing immediate danger, Smithers executes a mid-air manoeuvre, so that he is now facing the flying carpets, and lets loose with several volleys of shots from his Aden 30mm cannon, and watches as the flying carpets explode and fall to the ground in flames.

Flt Lt Smithers does a victory roll, and returns to base. As he is getting out of the cockpit of his fighter, the station Group Captain drives up in a jeep, and shouts out "Smithers - you "xxxxx" idiot- come here at once!!"

Smithers marches over to the Gp Capt, and says "Sir - what on earth is wrong?? I've just shot down two heavily armed flying carpets!!"

"I know you have, Smithers, " the Gp Capt says "But they were Allied Carpets!!!"
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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #537 on: September 05, 2009, 06:34:01 pm »

Andy - that is awful - but I LOVE it  :-)) {-) {-) {-)
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #538 on: September 07, 2009, 10:30:54 am »

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.....

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week...  He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren... Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dip switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10  = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!


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Peterm

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #539 on: September 07, 2009, 10:51:34 am »

Dicky,  I got 15, mind you, I am 78.   By the way, we still get No. 3.   Pete M 
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chingdevil

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #540 on: September 07, 2009, 12:15:02 pm »

Dicky I got 12, at 56 I am not surprised.

Bye the way you missed out

Tin baths
Outside toilets
Radio Luxembourg
Cap guns
Saturday morning cinema
Paraffin heaters
Bread and dripping
Coal fires (I set the chimney alight while setting one of those, well I was only 10)


Brian
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RickF

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #541 on: September 07, 2009, 12:42:13 pm »

Brian

Imagine the furore now if it was reported that an unsupervised ten-year-old had set fire to the chimney while lighting a fire!!!

Rick

PS, despite the list being from the US, I remembered most of them - or the UK equivalent - but at fast approaching 65 I should do.
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catengineman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #542 on: September 07, 2009, 01:27:34 pm »

Brushing the back of the fire on Sunday morning while the embers still glowed so that the hot water was as hot as possible ready for the family bath time Sunday evening.
Saturday spent hitting big lumps of coal (the big black sticky smelly stuff) to make smaller lumps more suited for the fire.
Standing in line outside the school building when the teacher would ring a bell for you all to enter QUIETLY

Thank you for those memories

R,
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chingdevil

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #543 on: September 07, 2009, 01:41:32 pm »

Rick

It was not too quiet when my mum got home to be greeted by the fire brigade, and it got worse when my dad got home <:( <:( <:(


Brian
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portside II

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #544 on: September 07, 2009, 01:59:11 pm »

I have often heard of the older generation mentioning the money box under the stairs , and when you put your shilling in all the lights would come on .
We had worked that one out so wouldnt be conned but we had a money box on the back of the telly , i was abut eight when i worked that one out  %) :-)) .
daz
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Roger in France

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #545 on: September 07, 2009, 02:05:04 pm »

My oldest memory? Seeing my father for the first time when he was granted some leave and how prickly his khaki uniform was !

Roger in France
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Damien

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #546 on: September 08, 2009, 12:37:23 am »

Richard, Brian & Daz.
I also scored 15 but i also remember most of the others, I'll add a few before more.  TV there was sitting around a Radio nightly listening to English comedy, hmm Yes Sir i think, then there was Aussie stuff Dad & Dave and Captain silver and the sea hound. Or News of the world on Shortwave radio, my first radio was a Crystal set built by may father.
Clothes irons heated on the slow combustion stove, crank handles to start cars, Wood and coal delivered by horse & cart and scrambling onto the cart whilst moving for a ride around the neighbourhood  fruit and vegies bought from green grocer  travelling the streets with horse and cart like wise the fish monger.
No one hasmentioned Telegrams for urgent messages.

Ohhh dear what ccomes after older than dirt & i'm only 57 although i'll stick with 15 because it's 15 years since i was i would be dead by christmas '94

Cheers from this happy old fart.
Damien. 
 
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Dreadstar

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #547 on: September 08, 2009, 06:19:59 pm »

I scored 12,but since the other 3 were American in style,I'm not sure they counted. I used to deliver milk on a Saturday,from one of the last horse drawn milk floats in Glasgow,around 1967,( you got payed Half a Crown for doing it),and did the usual paper round during the week too. You missed out radio shows like the Navy Lark,or the Clitheroe Kid. I loved the old Saturday morning pictures,I used to take my wee brother to them until they stopped around 1974,they're sorely missed. :embarrassed:
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kiwi

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #548 on: September 08, 2009, 07:26:20 pm »

Hi,
That makes me older than dirt. Manys the time me and my brother huddled under the little valve radio,in the dark,  in our bedroom with the door shut, trying to listen to "The Goons" with the volume turned way down so Mum & Dad couldn't hear, this when we where sent to bed early for some slight breaking of some rule earlier in the day. TV didn't 'arrive' in our house until way later.
When TV arrived, Only one TV in the whole street, and ALL us kids over there after homework finished to watch 'our' program before the adults arrived for the news, and us being sent home for dinner. BMIlk delivered pre-dawn, and bread arrived (still warm) an hour or two later, just in time for breakfast. Was always a race to get to the letterbox and collect the bread first. NZ has certainly gone down the tubes since then.
Thems was the days, and don't regret any of it. We where the lucky ones.
cheers
kiwi
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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #549 on: September 08, 2009, 08:57:13 pm »

I got - er - 14 or something.  Funny how you can't remember what you did last week yet I can still remember -
"Round the Horne",
"Two way Family Favourites" (for our lads overseas in Germany),
the first bloke in our factory who went on holiday "to a FOREIGN place" - Benidorm (he also had a MGB Roadster - god, we hated him...!)
Dandelion and Burdock in pint bottles with ceramic tops held on by an ingenious wire arrangement,
getting a balloon from the "rag and bone man" for showing him where an abandoned iron bedstead was (not from our single bedroom house!!)

And before YOU say it Dicky - NO! I can't remember the last time I won a race  :P :P

Can you imagine in fifty years, what the "older generation" will be saying then ...!
Probably - "CAN YOU REMEMBER THE RAVES WE USED TO GO TO, AND THAT CAR STEREO I HAD?"
To which the reply will be "EH?"

Danny (1947 was a good vintage)  ;)
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