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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 275203 times)

tweety777

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #450 on: May 14, 2009, 10:02:07 pm »

Eye contact, and talking really are very important.
Spanking is as well, but not in such a way that the kid has visible markings of it, just hard enough to make them feel that they did something wrong, 'cause that's the reason for spanking.

When i saw that picture i thought it was about someone driving 99 where 35 is the limit, and drives in on his (or someone elses) kids at that speed :o (see the sign just besides the shoulders of the kid), but it's a much better way to meet if i read the text.

Greetings Josse
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Todd

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #451 on: May 14, 2009, 11:12:00 pm »


 Rocket war' on Greek island.

  http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8007506.stm
[/

Good job there are no thatched cottages/houses in the area....GULP !quote]
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #452 on: May 22, 2009, 11:15:41 am »

What is the largest ship ever to sail under tower bridge (London), is it the Belfast?




http://londonist.com/2008/06/touch_up_london_90.php

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #453 on: May 26, 2009, 04:41:53 pm »


BBC's Jonathan Agnew 'leg over' giggles!!!
Keep this short cut for when you are feeling a bit down or fed up....

Commentating on the day's play at the Oval, Jonathan Agnew suggested that Ian Botham had failed
to "get his leg over." Brian Johnston fought to keep a straight face for almost half a minute, on Test Match Special.

This item was first broadcast on 9 August, 1991


http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6960000/newsid_6961100/6961129.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #454 on: May 26, 2009, 07:14:38 pm »

One of the funniest things I have ever heard...thanks Martin, for bringing it back to life after all these years!!
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meechingman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #455 on: May 26, 2009, 10:19:10 pm »

Is there one of the immortal line "The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willy!"  :}
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #456 on: June 01, 2009, 07:12:02 pm »

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services   
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The sermon this morning: 'Lord Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Lord.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------ --------- --------- ----- ------ ------------ -----
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #457 on: June 04, 2009, 01:08:58 pm »


How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

    " Pand Ten "


       Jack Dee Joke.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #458 on: June 05, 2009, 10:16:29 pm »

 :o
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kiwi

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #459 on: June 06, 2009, 07:42:36 am »

OOPS
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #460 on: June 09, 2009, 08:07:22 am »

At least HRH and the lady in his sights are both smiling  O0

Peter.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #461 on: June 12, 2009, 08:02:32 pm »

Worth a few minutes of your life!

http://uglyships.wordpress.com/








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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #462 on: June 13, 2009, 12:37:49 am »

and another one

Peter.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #463 on: June 13, 2009, 06:48:27 pm »

Man's man's Man's chainsaw!!!!

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OMK

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #464 on: June 19, 2009, 10:39:19 am »

I've  included a photo below of one of my sessions with my  son, in case you would like to use the technique. 

That kid must have a fetish for windscreens. He was clinging to this one the other day...
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #465 on: June 19, 2009, 12:08:55 pm »

Is it me or does that rocket look very iffy / under powered!!

Lift off for Nasa's lunar probes

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8107197.stm
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dreadnought72

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #466 on: June 19, 2009, 02:42:17 pm »

After the filth, clouds and gaseous exhaust of solid rocket boosters, "normal" rockets always appear this way.

Andy
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #467 on: June 19, 2009, 09:04:15 pm »


  Texas Bar B Q....
 
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #468 on: June 19, 2009, 09:11:35 pm »

For Real Men's Father's day!
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catengineman

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #469 on: June 19, 2009, 09:14:59 pm »

I want one of each!

just think of the BANGers that BBQ will fire up

Ok Ill get me coat




 :embarrassed:
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #470 on: June 21, 2009, 08:23:32 pm »


Take a look at this bike, it doesn't look that big, then scroll down and see it with a girl sitting on it.
A big production motorcycle engine would be 140 cubic inches, this one is 410!


 


The Gunbus 410 cubic inch (6728cc's) V-Twin motorcycle  is complete. The monster engine placed in a motorcycle  frame of
comparable size looked impossible and many  who saw the photos were skeptical of the bike ever being finished, but I guess
Clemens F. Leonhardt is one of those  persistent guys who ignores the naysayers and keeps at  his work.





The fuel-injected, 45 degree 6728 cc/410 cubic inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and  actually
looks pretty good in its finished state. In fact, everything looks good!





It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. Seat height is 31.5 inches and overall length is 136 inches. 





It is a little heavy at 1433 pounds so high speed corner carving might be an issue and there aren't any photos of the big bike
on the road, so I guess we'll have to wait for the road test, that is if someone can actually road test this monster.   


This is actually going to go into limited series production and a sidecar will be available as well, which might help with balance
when waiting at a light.  I don't even want to think about a driveway tip over.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #471 on: June 21, 2009, 08:32:22 pm »


  And if you think that's nuts..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E90oOf7YIvI
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #472 on: June 25, 2009, 11:59:37 pm »

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'


'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands
Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'


'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'


'Where's  Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Lord has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

 ;) Peter.

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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #473 on: June 26, 2009, 04:01:19 am »

Ceiling fan  ;)
Excellent :-))
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #474 on: June 26, 2009, 05:28:47 pm »

ACCIDENT REPORT ON "ICARUS - THE WORLD'S FIRST HUMAN FLIGHT"

Accident Report (abstract)

Site of accident: 5 miles north west of Crete

Date of Accident: Approx 250 BC

Aircraft Type: Homebuilt, Man-Powered (ultralight class)

Injuries: 1 (fatal)

Investigator: Glutinous Maximus (Head of Air Ops, Mediterranean Sector)

Date of Report: 1/1/0001

Details of Accident

Considerable delay has occurred between the accident and the investigation, so the following notes detail the facts that have been established. The aircraft was a homebuilt ultra-light of original design, one of two constructed. The aircraft was constructed from a range of novel composite materials. The accident occurred on the first flight of the type. The pilot was the co-designer of the aircraft, and at the time of the accident had a total time of 25 minutes (all on type). At the time of the flight the wind was 180/3kts and cloud cover was 0/10 at all altitudes.

There are no records of the pre-flight inspection, indeed the indications are that none was performed. On the day of the accident witnesses report the aircraft to have successfully taken off from Crete, the pilot having announced the intention of making for Greece (although no flight-plan had been filed). The flight was in company of another aircraft of the same type flown by the co-designer and father of the pilot. The second aircraft was also on its maiden flight, and its pilot also had no experience on the type prior to the flight. Approximately 25 minutes into the flight, some 5 miles north west of Crete, the aircraft was observed to climb to a considerably higher altitude than its partner. At this point it appeared to suffer a substantial structural failure followed by a departure from controlled flight; the aircraft entered a dive from which it did not recover before impact with the sea.

There was no post-impact fire. No search was attempted due to lack of facilities, but the circumstances of the accident suggest that the pilot would have died on impact. The second aircraft proceeded successfully to its destination.

Analysis of Accident

Despite the elapsed time and total absence of surviving physical evidence it is felt that sufficient information exists to infer the sequence of events and the cause of the accident.

The novel composite structure of the aircraft was known to be the subject of physical restrictions on operating temperature. These restrictions had been carefully explained to the pilot before the flight. When the pilot climbed to a higher altitude the levels of ambient solar radiation probably led to these temperature restrictions being exceeded, resulting in a thermal degradation of the basic structure.

A progressive failure would have occurred, initial delamination of the upper skin material would have been be followed by a compressive failure of the upper mainspar. Brazier forces would then have extruded the internal wax core material leading to a catastrophic failure of the entire primary structure. This theory would help to explain why the second aircraft (at a lower altitude) experienced no such failure.

CAA Comment

This accident was clearly caused by an inexperienced pilot paying scant regard for the operational envelope of the airframe. Although the novel materials used in the airframe had strict limitations, these were well documented and explained to the pilot. It is regarded as significant that, despite the known thermal limitations of the materials used, no attempt had been made to protect the structure from infra-red radiation.

A layer of aluminised film over the outside of the structure would probably have prevented the accident by extending the operational envelope of the airframe. In view of this, and other, design deficiencies in the aircraft it is recommended that Form 100 signatory approval be withdrawn from this manufacturer.

It is further felt that from today (1/1/01) onwards no pilot should be permitted to attempt primary training flights as solo P1 on an experimental type. If this regulation had been in force at the time, Mr Icarus would probably not have attempted the flight.

EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT

The following eyewitness statement was made by Asticles, who was standing on the beach approximately 10 leagues away at the time of the accident. He reported seeing Greek Fire hit Icarus. Icarus then climbed an additional 150 rods before descending in a ball of fire.

Greek Navy Ship "The Amphora" in the vicinity reported that it was patrolling the area which is a known route for the Olive Oil smuggling trade. Testacles, the captain of The Amphora reported that ship had nothing to do with the incident and that all Greek Fire projectiles on board were accounted for.

ESTATE OF ICARUS AGAINST DAEDALUS ET AL
Records inconclusive but claimed in whole by Father, Daedalus but disputed by King Minos

Summary

The deceased, Icarus, was killed while attempting to escape an unlawful imprisonment ergo Defendant King Minos is strictly liable for this death. The deceased was killed flying a defective homemade aircraft, designed and produced by the defendant Daedalus. The defendant's claim of the plaintiffs causing his own death are not supportable.

The defendant, Daedalus, an expert inventor and engineer, affixed feathers to the wings with heat soluble wax. Alternative glues were known to the builder. Daedalus failed to consider alternative, more heat-tolerant, glues.

The warning given to the operator Icarus, was inadequate given the age of the youth. In particular, the warning claimed to be given was "Icarus, my son, I charge you to keep at a moderate height, for if you fly too low the damp will clog your wings, and if too high the heat will melt them. Keep near me and you will be safe." This warning is in vague terms and failed to specify that melting the wings would lead to the death of the minor operator. Given the youthful age of the operator, it is critical that a warning be given in the clearest and most explicit language.

The only testimony supporting the claim that an oral warning was given is the self serving testimony of the negligent inventor. In any case a warning is inadequate if a safer non heat sensitive glue is available There was no clear definition of "moderate", "too high" or "too low" and the operator's experience was insufficient for him to determine the optimum altitude.

A water landing was a reasonably anticipated outcome of even a successful flight. No provision was made for a safe water landing. No safety equipment or training was provided.

Sources indicate that, notwithstanding the claim of instant injury, Icarus in fact drowned, Bullfinch states: While his mouth uttered cries to his father it was submerged in the blue waters of the sea which thenceforth was called by his name. His father cried, "Icarus, Icarus, where are you?" At last he saw the feathers floating on the water, and bitterly lamenting his own arts, he buried the body and called the land Icaria in memory of his child.

The claims that flying higher caused the sun to melt the wax is based on "junk science" inadmissible in this litigation. There is no evidence at all that radian solar energy increases at the heights involved in this matter and if anything the atmosphere cools as the flyer ascends

Given these facts plaintiffs estate demands 1,000,000 gold pieces in damages. If Icarus is proven to be the employer of Daedalus, as well as father to the youth, a further sum may be payable due to Employer's Liability. There may also have been a breach of the Health and Safety at Work Act.

Dave Eadsforth added the following comment:

It is worth citing the investigative work done by the AIB at Farnborough in the 1960s ('Aircrash Detective' by Stephen Barclay), which put forward a very convincing case for the wax not melting, but actually becoming brittle in the cold evening air (at the altitude estimated to have been reached by Icarus) and suffering structural failure. This explanation also resolved conflicting reports of where Icarus fell, as the two possible sites were 30 miles apart (When the airframe failed, Icarus fell straight down, to one traditional site, whereas the feathers were carried by the breeze to the other traditional site). This last part of the theory was confirmed by dropping wax tipped feathers from the top of one of the hangars at Farnborough. The whole four page analysis is a real beaut - worth tracking down a copy of the book!

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/icarus-accident.htm
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