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NOTHING illegal or disgusting please!!!!!! :-\
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/PersianCat.gif)
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Richard ;)
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I'll take that as disgusting then Richard....
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No more disgusting than smacking a cat in the face with a frying pan Colin ;)
-
A scientific research laboratory caught fire and several fire services were called to attend.
The first to arrive was the town brigade with quite a small engine. The director of the laboratory was desperate for the research documents to be saved and offered £100,000 to the firemen if they could get them out. However, the flames were too high and hot for them to get near.
Shortly after the county brigade arrived with a bigger engine and the Director offered them £200,000 if they could save the documents. They tried hard but were beaten back by the flames, smoke and heat.
The director by now was utterly frantic and offered £500,000 for the safe recovery of the research documents. Just then the local volunteers arrived in their very old clapped out machine.
To everyone‘s amazement they drove straight into the flames and after some very frantic activity put out the fire and recovered the documents.
Later their chief fireman was being interviewed by the press who asked him what they were going to do with the money. ”Well, first we are going to get the flippin brakes fixed."
::) ::)
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may be the cat deserved it
-
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don't
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.
People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
Actually its a computer ::) ::)
Well Martin said keep it clean ;D
-
Whats with the cat Jokes??? even it up a bit
-
New Element (Parody)
Scientists of one of banana republic recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 98 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons. Morons still unexplored substance, the distinctive feature of which is large amount of pockets.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it mass will constantly increase over time, because during decay cycle, the mass of pockets of assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons on the increase and when it reaching critical concentration, the stucture undergoes a reorganization, in which some morons become a neutrons, a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes everything with which it comes into contact and it comes in reaction with everything that has electrons and not inert. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
When Gv decays, it falls into another new elements, Retiredum (Re) and Retardium (Rt) which some call Dementium (Dm)
-
may be the cat deserved it
hey i like that short snout cat, :)
-
Are you having a Bad Day????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Mrs Jones, the part-time Sunday
cleaner, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
he could use her vacuum cleaner.
-
Just heard this one on ClassicFM - apologies to the other listenerswho may have heard it:
Two men are talking in a pub.
First man: "Did you know that lions have sex between ten and fifteen times a day?"
Second man: "Damn. I've just joined Rotary!"
Rick
-
There was a report in yesterday's paper which said that outside Northampton General Hospital is a sign that reads:
______________________
FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE
Use back entrance
______________________
NHS gets it right for once ;D
-
Sorry about these. :-[
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
-
To err is human........ To really screw things up you need a copmuter. ???
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
-
copmuter.
A device for rendering policemen dumb Richard? ;)
-
Why Colin you are so sharp, now mind you don't cut yourself. ::)
Richard ;)
-
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over
the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar.
To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for
pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed
to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket
over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and
safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS
Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the
censors, lest it be considered racist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch
of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal
aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy
and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment
*
*
*
*
In that case - kiss me Hardy.
Cheers...Ken
-
Well done, Ken - made my day!
Rick
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A naughty cal flavour !!!!
ken
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I like it! Pete M
-
Hi all, I retrived this from the joke archive, cheers from Roy
THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
-
Hi all here's another one, cheers Roy
Another Engineer joke.
The marketing manager, chief engineer and software programmer were all travelling through the Swiss Alps on their way to an important conference. At the top of a particularly hair-rising series of bends, the driver - we won't say who it was - lost control of the car which skidded down the road towards a vertical drop of several thousand feet. The car stopped right on the edge of the precipice, and they all got out, very shaken.
"I have a plan" said the Marketing Manager. "I'll use my mobile to call the hotel and get them to send the rescue services. We can be flown out of here in no time." But seconds later he realised that he wasn't able to get a signal so that was no good.
The engineer opened the car bonnet and looked at the engine. He poked around for a while, and said "Well, I can't see what caused the problem. But if you give me twelve hours I could have this engine out, strip it down, put it together again and with a bit of luck we could get to the conference in time for the closing session. It would be quicker if I had the right tools, of course..."
The programmer said "That's ridiculous! I have a much better plan. Let's push the car back up to the top of the mountain, climb in, and see if we can repeat the error..."
-
This joke told by Jethro so all fans will have heard it already:
Two blokes in a pub, chatting about sex whilst leaning up against the bar. First one says "Hey John, I have found a great way to improve sex with the missus, it's really good but you really have to hold on tight" "Oh really Jack, whats the trick" says John. "Well", says Jack," you approach from the rear, doggy style and when you have been at it for a while and you are getting a bit bored, you say "You're not as good as your sister"! "I tell you John.. it's ruddy marvelous but as I said before... you have to hold on ruddy tight! :D
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Mummy, Daddy! Come look at the lovely kittens!
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Skunks.jpg)
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OK, here is a French joke told to me by a Frenchman. It illustrates how little respect the French have for the Gendamerie (whom I must admit are a "bit thug like") their role is to control the public not help them.
The joke: If you want to ask a gendarme something, find one with a dog, tell the dog what you want and he will explain it, simply to the gendarme!
Roger in France.
-
Reminds me of the old joke from my RAF days:
Why does the RAF have dog-handlers?
Because the dog can't use the telephone!
And if you really wanted to p*** one off, when asked for your 1250 (ID card), you showed it to the dog...
Rick
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like
it"? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"OK" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is
answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house"
The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause.........
.................or possibly a long pause The rabbit said...
Mixing me toasties "
Cheers...Ken
-
Man walks into the bar, orders a pint and says to the landlord, "Do you want to see something very interesting?" To which the landlord says "OK". The man produces a matchbox, opens it, takes out a spider from inside and says, "Walk". The spider walks a few inches down the bar. The man picks up the spider, puts it back in the box and drinks his pint. Somewhat bemused the landlord says, "So what's interesting about that?". The man replies, "Watch this." He opens the matchbox, takes out the spider, pulls off all its legs, puts it on the bar and says, "Walk". Of course, nothing happens but the man says, "There, that's very interesting, pull a spiders legs off and it goes deaf."
Roger in France.
-
Two friends in a close chat at the pub.
"Does your wife scream, when she`s coming?"
"Nope! She got her own key for the housedoor".
Jack Nicholson said once:
"A marriage is like a hurricane. It starts with a little blowing and after a while your car and your house are gone".
-
The pope arrived at the airport from a trip, but his driver was overdue. He decided to take a taxi. When the taxidriver saw the pope, he was very proud to have such an famous guest.
After all the luggage was in the back the pope turned to him and asked him, if he could make him a wish. Little Luigi was very confused when the pope said, that he wanted to drive on his own and Luigi has to take seat in the back. "As there are drivers 24/7 for me, ready to please I don`t have the chance for a ride. Will you do me that favour?" Luigi was worried, be cause he could loose his job, but although it is the holy father! Who could refuse him any wish?
"Please drive carefully, please don`t make any accident and bring me into trouble", he said, shaking in his boots, thinking about his children and his wife what would happen to them.
The holy father had taken seat, Luigi in the back and off they drove like hell. The pope had done 110 km/h (allowed was 50) when they had been stopped by a policeman.
When he looked into the car he found out it`s the pope driving! Though the policeman went to the radio, asking is supervisor what to do for not having any trouble.
"Sir, got a driver stopped with 110 instead of 50. What to do with him?"
"110 instead of 50??? Give him a ticket!!!! And bring him to the station, we will keep him in prison for some days- to state an example!!!"
"Sir, this driver is an VIP! He is really important!"
"Who`s that? Our Mayor? Doesn`t matter!! Do what I have told you, we will take this *@&%§ into jail!"
"Sir, sorry- but he`s very....VERY Important!!"
"Who`s that VERY VERY Important person? Mr. Berlusconi? Nevermind!!! Bring this *§$%*@ straight to me!!!!"
"No Sir, much more important -it must be godfather, as he has the pope as a driver!!"
-
Which reminds me.....
A guy goes into the barbers, sits in the chair and the barber starts work. Now this barber knows it all. Wherever you've been, he's been there too; Whatever you've done, he's done it before; and if you had the only one in the world, he'd have the other! Anyway, when the guy manages to get a word in, he tells the barber he's trying to arrange a pilgrimage to St Peter's in Rome.
"Oh, I've done that," says the barber. "It's hard to get on one and almost impossible to see the Pope. But I did it"
Eventually the haircut is over and the guy leaves. Four weeks later he's back.
"I bet you didn't get to Rome," says the barber.
"Well, yes, I did. Had a great flight out. Got a free upgrade and got a great deal at a five-star hotel."
"Oh, but I guess the pilgrimage to St Peter's was a bit of a disaster."
"No, it was fine. We got VIP passes and went straight to the front, right up against the Papal Palace."
"Yes, but I bet you didn't actually see the Pope."
"Oh, but we did. He came out, and walked along the front row of the crowd."
"OK, but you didn't get to speak to him, did you."
"Yes, he stopped in front of me, put his hand on my head, leaned forward and spoke softly in my ear."
"What did he say?"
"My son, who gave you this bloody awful haircut?"
-
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
>there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
>sometimes it is embarrassing. ** There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
>Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
>full of other patients.
>
>
>
>I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
>handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
>approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
>seeing the Doctor for today?"
>
>
>"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist
>became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting
>room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong
>and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused
>some embarrassment in this room full of people.
>
>
>
>You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
>and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man
>replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
>strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
>waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled
>smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he
>stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
>taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't
>"xxxxx" out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>
>
>
>Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
Richard ;)
-
Scam Warning
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
But those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
So lets just be careful out there eh.
__________________
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NEWSFLASH! - Giant terrorizing squirrel caught and shot!
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Trophysquirrel.jpg)
-
chinas new president
chairman meow
-
NEWSFLASH! - Giant terrorizing squirrel caught and shot!
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Trophysquirrel.jpg)
Did they shoot the squirrel for parking on that yellow line?
-
No, man! They wanted his 'coat'...
- 'Doc
-
Grasshopper I was in BQ yesterday and was about to order some bathroom equipment ( and before anybody says anything yes I know my annual bath is over due , promise I will have it before I go to Skipsea ) but the person taking the order said "have a seat " I replied no thanks I already have plenty it's bathroom equipment I want
Cheers
Bob B
-
How Maltesers are made....
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/maltesers.gif)
-
are thehy light or dark choc droppings?
-
Hey Ghost..
did you know that the literal translation of Mao Se Tung is 'cat in bucket' ?
you want funny?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=X0X0CQTgFyY
it's that kind of childish humour that appeals to the male, adult(?) mind. jkust remember to turn the volume up.
-
this http://youtube.com/watch?v=_ZMKWJ36ABQ had me in stitches.
PS martin, you did say nothing disgusting at the start, however i will never look at malteesers the same way again
-
How Maltesers are made....
This will upset a few of you. My Wife was a nurse for many years, and she told me a story of one old woman, an evil old bed-blocker, that she once had in her ward. This constipated old crone used to roll a bit of one of her turds between her fingers to make a neat ball, which she'd then add to a half-finished box of Maltesers, which she'd casually offer to hospital staff and others who passed her bed. You'd have thought that the word would have spread faster, but she caught two or three people, one of them a consultant, before someone altered a 'Nil by mouth' notice by adding a suitable health warning, and hung it over her bed. They also banned Maltesers from the geriatric ward, but you'll be relieved to know that no NHS staff or visitors actually bit into anything.
-
Two blokes come out of a Manchester pub and start walking across the street, when one is set upon by a Pit-Bull Terrier. With great presence of mind the other bloke grabs a stick, shoves it through the dog’s collar and twists it hard, breaking the dog’s neck and releasing his mate’s arm from its grip.
As they are standing gasping from this ordeal another bloke runs up and says “I’m a reporter on the local paper and I recorded the whole thing on my mobile phone! You’ll be on the TV news at six o’clock! Can I take some details for the story, and what do you reckon to ‘Man City fan saves best friend from killer dog’s jaws of death’ as a headline?”
“That’s OK” says the rescuer, “but I’m not a City fan”.
“Right” says the reporter, scrubbing out ‘City’ and writing ‘United’ on his pad.
“I’m sorry” says the bloke, “but I’m not a Man U fan either”.
“So who do you support?” says the newshound.
“I’m a Liverpool fan” replies our hero…………
…..whereupon newsman scrubs out whole title and scribbles ‘Scouse git murders much-loved family pet’
(Made oi larf; suit yourselves.)
-
in reference to #44 i will definately not look at malteasers the same again, eew
as for #45, typical of the press
---------------
Its Scotish FA final, Rangers V Celtic, absolute packed house of a game, in the rangers end is this lone celtic fan, (poor guy), he is surrounded by probably the worst lot of fans he could have around him. standing to the sides of him were two big burly fans, shaven heads tattoos and scarfes, your typical soccer thugs.
CELTIC SCORE and the celtic crowd go wild with joy!
next thing the lone celtic fan knows, a tap on his shoulder..
...one of the rangers fans pipes up "heh YOOO, geet mah a cup ah bovral, and teek off yeee leeft boot aahs weeeel!"
Off goes the celtic fan, when he returns he hands over the bovril, and the rangers fan takes it, handing the celtic fan his boot back, looking at the boot the celtic fan sees something brown and slimey in the boot, and to say the least, a bit pungent, "pooot eet on!" barks the rangers fan, the celtic fan did just that, the boot going on with a squelch as the rather foul contents went between his toes.
After the second half starts, the match carries on, 10 mins into the second half, CELTIC SCORE, and there's a tap on the poor celtic fans other shoulder, its the other big rangers fan "eh whaat aboot me, geet me ah cup of bovral, oh and leave ya raaaht boot baheend aahs weeel!"
Off squelches the celtic fan to get the bovril, upon his return, the celtic fan hands over the bovril in return for the right hand boot, in it, something very slimey and rather repulsive. the Rangers fan yells "AAAH SEH POOT EEET ON INSTEEDAH LOOH'IN' AAHT EET!" with two of the worlds heaviest rangers fans by him the poor celtic fan does just that. again the contents of the boot going up between his toes. by the half way through second half, there is a rather large gap around him, the stench vile.
With the hooter sounding for end of play, Celtic winning 2-0 against Rangers, the lone Celtic fan is off, running as fast as he can to get away from the match as quicly as he can, thinking he has avoided everyone, he dives into a back alley, only to emerge at the other end right infront of a BBC camera team
The presenter pipes up"good afternoon sir im peter snow of the bbc, and would like to ask you about your thaughts on football violence?" to which the celtic fan gets the microphone "footbahl violence is a parrt of life here in Glasgoo, and there will always be footbahl violence as long as we're pee'ing in theere bovral and they're crapping in our shoes!!"
hope i dont offend any Scots with my attempt to type out a glasgow accent ;D
-
A new take on an old joke...
As Charles Clarke was tidying his desk after having been fired as Home Secretary, John Reid walked in. “Oh,” says JR, “I didn’t realise you were still here – sorry”.
“Just leaving” said The Fat Controller. “By the way, I’ve cleared out the cupboards and left the Three Envelopes in the top drawer of the desk for you”.
“Three Envelopes?” said Reid. “What do you mean?”
“It’s very easy” said CC. “If you find yourself in a mess after a couple of weeks, open the first envelope; I‘ve left you instructions in there. Byee!”
Surely enough, after two weeks JR found himself in the mire about the number of immigrants who’d not been deported after being refused asylum, so he opened the first envelope. The note from Charles Clarke said simply “Blame your predecessor. If this fails, open the second envelope”.
“Great!” thought JR, so he briefed a couple of broadsheet political editors about the extent of the mess he’d inherited from CC. Surely enough, the Cabinet came round to thinking that it was all The Fat Controller’s fault because the brown stuff had hit the whirling thing on his watch and, besides, no-one doubted Bully Wee Reid’s ability to fix the problems.
Two months down the line and the number of prisoners had hit an all-time high, despite regular rantings from JR about sentencing policy etc. There seemed nothing to do except open the second envelope. CC’s advice was quite succinct. “Blame the staff. If this fails, open the third envelope”. JR saw this as a golden opportunity to fix a couple of under-secretaries who’d given him grief, as well as cutting the wage bill and pleasing both Gordon and the Red-Top editors, so he blazed into a Parliamentary Committee meeting and described his loyal staff collectively as “not fit for purpose”. Silent prayer offered to the ghost of CC.
THEN someone at the Home Office found 27,000 files gathering dust on a windowsill. These were records of UK citizens who had committed serious crimes while abroad and whose names hadn’t been entered onto the UK Criminal Record system. “Oh bother” said JR – or something similar, and opened the third envelope without bothering to field the flak.
Charles Clarke had written simply “Make out three envelopes”…………….
-
;) ;D
-
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out........until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said..........."I'm here to feed the alligator.!!!"
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
-
An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter old timer, money trouble?" said a kind passer by.
"No" said the old man, "I'm a millionare after winning the lottery and I live in a big house with a lovely garden"
"Marital problems then?" said the passer by
"No, I have a lovely young wife and we have a fantastic sex life."
"Well you seem to have it all." said the passer by "Why don't you cheer up and go home to your lovely wife?"
"That's the problem" said the old man "I can't remember where I Live!"
-
Kenny's joke reminds me.....
A man goes into a pub with an alligator on a lead. Naturally, all the other customers panic and the landlord tell him to leave as they don't serve alligators (that's another joke!).
The man protests, saying that it is a house-trained alligator, it's totally harmless, wouldn't hurt a fly, etc.etc. But the landlord is adamant - him and his alligator have to go.
In desperation, and gasping for a pint, the man says "I'll show you how harmless he is!", unzips his fly, pulls out the old man and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. Nothing. He then picks up a pint pot and hits the alligator over the head several times. Still no reaction. The man turns to the customers, brandishing the beer mug. " There," he says. "I told you he was harmless. Anyone else want a go?"
"OK," said a little old lady, sitting in the corner. "But don't hit me with the beer mug."
-
Same man, same alligator.....different pub.
Man says to the barman, "Pint for me and a Zulu for the alligator". The barman pulls the pint and goes out into the pub car park where a tribe of Zulus happen to have camped. He grabs a Zulu and throws it to the alligator who swallows him in one gulp.
Next night the same thing happens, a pint and a Zulu.
On the third night the Zulus have got wise and decamped. So, after pulling the pint the barman goes outside, comes back in and says, "Sorry mate, no Zulus for your alligator but there are some Pygmys about, how about that?"
"You must be kidding", says the man,"The alligator goes crazy on shorts"!
Roger in France.
-
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the glorious
winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
::) ::) ;)
-
Yes Roger, that was the other joke!
-
A woman spends all her money on a facelift. After the bandages come off and the swelling goes down, she ventures out for the first time. First she goes to buy a paper. As she is paying, she asks the newsagent, "How old do you think I am?" The man thinks for a moment, "About 35 I'd say", he says eventually. The woman is really pleased, "Actually I'm 47 she says". Then she goes up to a traffic warden. "How old do I look to you?" she asks. The man thinks and looks her up and down. "I'd guess around 38 he says". Again, the woman is really pleased. Then she goes into McDonalds. After ordering a Big Mac, she asks the girl serving, "How old would you say I am?" The girl has a good look, and says "Just under 40, maybe 36". The woman is delighted, "Actually I'm 47," she tells her. Then she goes into the park and sits down on a bench. After a minute or two, a man sits beside her. She can't resist asking him, "How old do you think I am?" The man shakes his head, "I don't know, but I know how to find out. If you let me s..g you, I'll be able to tell your age for certain. If I get it wrong, I'll give you one thousand pounds". The woman thinks for a moment. The facelift has left her pretty hard up, and she could use the money, he'll never guess, so how can she lose? "OK," she replies, "Let's go behind this bush". The man bends her over a tree stump and pulls down her knickers, and gives her a good seeing-to from behind. After he's finished, he zips himself up, and the woman pulls up her knickers. Thinking she has just made one thousand pounds, she asks him, "Well, how old am I?" The man says, "47 years old". The woman is amazed, "you can tell that just by shagging me?" she asks. "No," says the man, "I was standing behind you in the queue at MacDonalds".
-
Tips for Southerners moving North
1. Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Northerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Love"
3. Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we always have to give you lifts everywhere.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not try to buy fresh pasta. Thump in gob tends to offend..
7. If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8. Remember: "Us" is singular. "Thaa" is plural. "Thaas" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Southerner imitating a northern accent, unless it is a northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Tha not from around here, are tha?"
11. People walk slower.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted Southerner's vocabulary "me ducks", Eighty-five percent end their new northern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He were a southern "xxxxx"" ia a legal defence up here.
16. If attending a funeral in the north take your baseball hat off when everyone else does.
17. If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, "Ayup, come and look at this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the explosion.
18. Most Northerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Southerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windscreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The summer wardrobe you always brought out in April can wait til June.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Blizzards and Northerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.
24. Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.
25. In Northern churches you will hear the hymn, "Come All Ye Faithful". You will also hear expressions such as, ""xxxxx" me, Lord", "God knows", "Lord wept!" and "God help the poor cow ".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key piles of rubble, canals, coal mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
I'll apologise now.
Richard ;)
-
Two good jokes, Richard, but coming from Southampton...are you suffering an identity crisis? And I know you slave-owning Southerners are a bit rusty on anything north of Watford, but "Eh up, me duck" is not "North" - it's Midlands.
Rick (exiled yellow-belly)
-
Only wanted a bit of controversy.
My Aussie one was a bit rude for the forum. ;)
Richard ;)
-
A Pome bie Richard
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a ward
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew. ???
;) ;)
-
Great to see that again, Richard - it did the rounds of the technical writing world some years ago.
Paddy goes to Confession one Sunday morning, sits in the box and says: "Forgive me, Father, I committed a terrible sin last night with a girl from the village."
"Oh my son, how could you? Which poor unfortunate was it?"
"I can't tell you Father, I promised to keep her name secret."
" If you don't tell me, your penance will be long and hard."
"No Father, I will not."
"Was it Bridie Murphy?"
"No Father."
"Well then, was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No Father, neither of them. I'll not tell you her name."
"Very well my son. For your penance say ten Hail Marys and put five pounds in the Poor Box."
As Paddy is leaving he meets his mate coming in. "How did you get on?" asks his mate.
"Ten Hail Marys and five pounds in the Poor Box," says Paddy.
"Lord," says his mate, "That's a bit steep."
"Yes," says Paddy, "But I've got two certs for next Saturday night!"
-
think this young pussy has the right idea.
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1666/Pussy+Cat+Hammock/
Jay
-
Glasgow Rangers are looking to sign some new players to help them next season, so they send chief scouts to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal.
On getting back to Scotland, the manager takes one look at him in training and puts him straight in the 1st team to play Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic , he scores a hat trick and creates two more as Rangers win 5 - 0 . Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news . "Mum , I've just made my debut and had a great game . The team loves me , the fans love me even the press love me . Life is great" "Well" says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you . Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street , your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers" "Mum , I don't know what to say , I'm so so sorry" "Sorry , you're f**king sorry it's your f**king fault we moved to Glasgow in the 1st place!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letter sent to an agony aunt
lI am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser.
-
Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be.
What’s the definition of aristocracy in Australia? Being able to trace lineage back to your father.
In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.
Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign that says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poop, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What…. what is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty "illigitimate"."
;D ;D ;)
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problems with telesales, try this
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
-
To Rick F (exiled yellow-belly)
Can you shed any further light on this perplexing dichotomy? I would be most grateful, as my genealogist wife has found that 95% of my paternal predecessors hailed from that area:
I used to believe that the epithet "Yellow-Belly", when applied to someone from Lincolnshire, originated from the yellow waistcoats which were part of the uniform of the county's regiment. However, my late and highly cultured maternal grandfather maintained that it was more to do with the way they used toilet paper........
Grandad, of course, came from Nottinghamshire.
-
FLJ,
I always favoured the soldiers' waistcoats theory, or the alternative frogs' undersides - particularly for the fen-dwellers.
This site has these and several other derivations - you pays yer money and takes yer choice!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/lincolnshire/asop/people/what_is_a_yellowbelly.shtml
Rick
-
The British Aviation Authority used to test the strength of windshields on planes using a device that could fire out dead chickens at extremely high speed.
The device was pointed at the aircraft's windshield and if the chicken didn't break it, it was assumed that the windshield would survive the impacts of actual collisions with birds when in flight.
British Rail had recently designed a new locomotive and was testing various designs of windshields, so they borrowed the device from the BAA.
Adjusting it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, they loaded a dead chicken and fired it at the first windshield design.
The chicken went straight through the windshield, broke several components and left a huge dent in the compartment door. Surprised by the result, they asked a BAA official if they had done the test correctly.
An engineer checked everything and suggested that for their next test they defrost the chicken.
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
;D ;D ;)
-
What a world we live in !!!!!!
A SQUIRRELS TALE
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
THE END
_____
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in
a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so, while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and the Grasshopper
Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional
fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not
want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to
the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released
because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in
custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were
abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's
credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't
bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum
seekers is increased.
The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his
traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
-
Sorry Telstar,
But the rest of the world will think that's a joke. When we in the UK know it to be the truth.
Yours Colin H.
-
Colin H.......
Maybe a joke to somewhere in the world but here in Canada it is pretty much the same. And by the news reports of the "illegal immigrant" situation in the US it's probably much the same there. All of our "new arrivals" are immediatley applying for all the "social" benefits they can get.
doug in Victoria, BC
-
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
-
Sorry the last attempt was not funny, how about a fairy tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:
I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!
-
Duck walks into pub, hops up onto bar stool, asks barman "Any bread?"
Barman; "No, we're a pub, dont sell bread, b off".
Same thing happens next 4 days.
Day 6, barman replies, "I've told you 5 times, we don't sell bread. If you come in hear asking again. I'll nail your beak to the bar".
Day 7. Enter duck, onto stool "Any nails?"
Bloke goes into bar, 135th floor of Empire Stoat bldg. Man on bar stool calls barman for "a pint of your magic beer, my good man". Pint served, pint drunk, man jumps out of window, flies round building and back in.
Bloke very impressed, asks for pint of magic beer and drinks it, jumps out of window and falls 135 stories to his death.
Barman to man on barstool - "You're a reet basket when you're "xxxxx", Superman".
-
A man was stopped by the Game Warden in Gogama, Ontario recently
with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known
for its fishing.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
-
Donald Duck is filming on location, and staying at The Hillton.
One night, in need of female company he asks the barman if he has the phone number for an escort agency. The barman provides it, Donald goes back to his room, and in twenty minutes a gorgeous blond arrives.
Nature takes its course, and they end up in bed.
"Have you got the necessary?" asks the blond, "I only practise safe sex."
Donald checks his wallet, find nothing and wonders what to do. Then he thinks: "This is the Hilton. I'm a famous film star. Room service!"
So he rings room service and five minutes later there's a knock on the door. A bellboy holds out a silver plate, with a packet of three proudly displayed. "Mr Duck? Your condoms. Shall I put them on your bill?"
"Do I look like a pervert?" shouts Donald, and slams the door.
-
A Japanese company had once manufactured a wire, which was so thin they couldn`t measure it correctly. Though they decided to cut some pieces off and send it to the leading industrial nations to help them out with a correct measure.
After a couple of weeks all the envelopes returned from the USA, UK, France, Germany- saying that their are sorry but even the best scientists can`t take the measure correctly.
In a last try they send it to Modelboat-Mayhem and a new topic was set with the question.
After one week the answer came back to Japan:
The wire you had manufactured is 0,00000125789 mm thick. Do you want us to drill a hole in it, cut a thread on or which R/C do you wish us to install?
Jörg
-
Very good Jörg. ;D ;D ;D
-
Tobyker,
Just reread your Superman joke. The Empire Stoat bldg? That must be one landmark in New York that's weaselly distinguishable!
Rick
-
Rick
No - it's stoatally different from the one you're thinking of. Me? I'm still trying to work out the duck-in-the-pub joke.........gizza clue, eh?
-
Hi all I haven't seen this one around for a while.
regards Roy
A holy man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish".
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.
"The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"
>
-
A man had been out all night with his girlfriend. Feeling a bit horny, they stopped in a lay-by on the way home for a sh*g.
He did it three times, but she still wanted more. Saying he had to have a break, the man got out of the car for a slash. He spotted another man at the other end of the lay-by changing a wheel on his car.
Going up to the other car, he said, ‘That woman has worn me out, I’m completely knackered. If you get into my car over there and give my girlfriend a good seeing to, I’ll finish changing your wheel for you while you’re at it.’
The second man gets into the car, and starts pumping away at the woman from behind, doggy fashion. While the woman is moaning, and the car is bouncing on it’s springs, a police car pulls up. The copper goes over to the car and bangs on the roof, so the man inside winds down the window.
‘What’s going on here then?’ asks the policeman.
’I’m just having sex with my wife’ says the man.
‘I can’t see why you had to sh*g her out here. If anyone else saw you at it and complained, I’d have had to charge you. Why couldn’t you wait until you got home?’
‘Well, until you shone your torch on us just then, I didn’t realise she was my wife.’
-
Roy's joke reminds me......
David Beckham's ankle had been badly hurt, and was defying all medical science, so the manager sent him off to a beach in California to recuperate.
One morning he's hobbling along the sands when he finds an ornate old bottle washed up on the shore. He picks it up and pulls out the stopper. There's a 'kin great flash and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
"Oh Master," booms the genie. "You have released me from the bottle in which I have been imprisoned for five hundred years. Your wish is my command."
DB thinks for a bit, then says: "Make my ankle better, so that I can get my place back in the team."
So, the genie gets down, examines the ankle, switches on x-ray sight etc, tuts and shakes his head and says: "Even with my vast powers, this injury is beyond me. Make another wish."
"Oh," says DB and thinks again."OK," he says."Perhaps you could revive Victoria's showbiz career?"
The genie ponders and scratches his head, then says: "Let's have another look at that ankle...."
-
perhaps I stopped the duck Joke a bit early - though it is moderately amusing at that stage.
Duck pt 2;
Barman" NAILS! What do you think this is, a b ironmongers?"
Duck "Any Bread?"
Do you all know the one about the hen in the Library?
-
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his
father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
-
The dead batteries were given out free of charge ;D
-
two children in school at play time, discussing what their fathers do
Billy: "My daddy drives taxis for a living, whats your daddy do tommy?"
Tommy: "My daddy is a lawyer"
Billy: "honest?"
Tommy "nah, just a normal one!"
-
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private part, 3 pounds left testicle, 3 pounds right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little fellow faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?...Sweet Lord, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' "
-
Shortest limerick in the world:
There was a young lady from Wareham
Who didn't... ;)
-
My favourite limerick.....
There was an old man of Tralee
Who was stung in the neck by a wasp.
When asked 'Did it hurt?'
He said 'No, not a bit!
It can do it again if it likes!
-
Sorry if this is a bit too close to home for some of you.......it is for me!
Julie Andrews turns 69 -
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1,
actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special
appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for
the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My
Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of
Music".
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and
glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
(slightly edited for content)
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the
crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated
encores.)
Cheers,
Ian.
:'( :'( :'(
-
Reminds me of a parody of "Doh, Ra, Me" I heard years ago. Unfortunately i can only remember the first two lines, so if anyone knows the rest,
"Dough - some bread, some unbaked bread,
Ray - a bloke I used to know..... "
-
:D NOTICE FROM THE COMMITTEE :- Will the club member that took the box of glue from the storeroom please return it as the committee is stuck without it.
-
Rick F
Not yours but similar
/ \ DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J.Simpson.
| | *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem*
| __ __)
| / \/ \ DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
/\/\ (o )o ) RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
/c \__/ --. ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer...
( ) FAR..... a long way to get beer...
\_ _-------' SO...... I'll have another beer...
| / \ LA...... I'll have another beer...
| | '\_______) TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
| \_____) That will bring us back to...
|_____ | (Looks into an empty glass)
|_____/\/\ D'oh
-
>:( email test - please ignor :-\
what, the e-mail is a joke, :p lol
-
Hi all, a Limerick, I heard this on Radio 4 at tea time on a cultural programme!
There was a gay young man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
He plaintively said as they climbed into bed,
''Who does what, and with which, and to whom''
regards Roy.
-
Hi all, a Limerick, I heard this on Radio 4 at tea time on a cultural programme!
There was a gay young man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
He plaintively said as they climbed into bed,
''Who does what, and with which, and to whom''
regards Roy.
I think you've got the politically corrected BBC version there Roy.
A Qu**r who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom
And while we're at it....
There was a young man of Bengal
Who had a mathematical ball.
The sum of the squares
Of the number of hairs
Was two thirds of pi r times f*ck all.
I could have typed that using the sixteenth letter of the Greek alphabet for pi, but I don't want to cause any unnecessary confusion.
-
I could have typed that using the sixteenth letter of the Greek alphabet for pi, but I don't want to cause any unnecessary confusion.
Don't worry Anmo, we're all perfectlly capable of evaluating it out to at least 200 decimal places in our heads. ;)
-
Last night our local "Boots" was broken into and all the Viagra in the pharmacy was stolen.
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Rick
-
I took a Viagra last night.........hoping for a bit of "fun"..........it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for 4 hours. No "FUN"................sob
-
News Flash! The police have caught the Viagra gang - but they're worried their case may not stand up in court!
Rick
-
Specially for Admiral Bishop.
л
-
In days of old
When it was cold
And Mayhem was not invented
Modelers dug holes in telegraph poles
And had to be contented.
Richard. :)
-
Specially for Admiral Bishop.
л
Gosh! How kind, and it's not even Valentine's day yet!
-
A man started his new job at the zoo and was given three tasks. The first was to clear
the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he did this a huge fish jumped out and bit him. To show
who was boss, the man beat it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer wouldn't be best pleased he disposed of the fish by feeding it to
the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he was attacked by the
chimps who pelted him with coconuts.
He swiped at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What could he do? Feed them
to the lions, he said to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurled the corpses into the lion enclosure and moved on to the last job, which was to
collect honey from the South American Bees. Surprisingly, as soon as he started to do so
he was attacked by the bees. He grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a pulp.
By now he knew what to do and threw them into the lion cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He wandered up to another lion and asked,
" What's the food like here?"
" Absolutely brilliant!" the other lion replied.
" Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
-
Wife caught me laughing my socks off, looked over my shoulder saw the thread. I have now spent the last half hour starting at joke one whilst she reads them.
Through her tears of laughter she asked when do you get to the serious stuff then.
Dont stop guys or I will have to start reading about glue and paint and things like that.
A very amused Colin H.
-
Yep, some great jokes but "the duck, the bread and the nails" has still got me perplexed. Someone please put me out of my misery!
Original joke featured an Irishman but this version does not.
In a very remote and backward part of France a man and his verily heavily pregnant wife were lying in bed in the middle of the night when the wife woke her husband and said "I think the baby is comming. I need the Doctor". The family was very, very poor but the husband had a fine bicycle with drop handle bars; 16 gears; caliper brakes and a dynamo headlight. So, he jumped on his bike and sped off to the village, returning with the doctor riding on the cross bar of the bike.
When the Doctor entered the bedroom he said to the husband, "I am going to need plenty of light so put your bike on the chest of drawers with the front light directed just where I need it and when I say go, peddle like mad".
With that the baby started to arrive and the doctor called for light. The husband pedalled away lustily and the Doctor was able to deliver a fine baby. However, just as he showed the baby to the mother he cried out, "There's another one coming, peddle away man". Again the husband struck out and the wheels turned and the light shone brightly. A second fine child was delivered successfully and as it was laid beside its sibling the Doctor cried out, "Another one! Peddle like Hell man". The exhausted husband peddled hard and as the third baby was delivered he collapsed over the handle bars and cried out to the Doctor, "Do you think it's the light attracting 'em?".
Roger in France.
-
When the Doctor entered the bedroom he said to the husband, "I am going to need plenty of light so put your bike on the chest of drawers with the front light directed just where I need it and when I say go, peddle like mad".
Roger in France.
Roger, I suspect that the word you were aiming for there was 'pedalling'. If your French peasant had really been 'peddling', he would have been trying to sell his bicycle to Monsieur le Docteur, n'est ce pas?
-
Isn't "peddle" what pedants do?
-
... better a pettle, than a peddle? ::)
-
o.K.- a short one:
There was this honest politician, helding an sensefull speech......
-
Isn't "peddle" what pedants do?
Chacun à son goût, M. Jacket.
-
Old Farmer Hogweed is leaning over his gate one day when he sees Harry, the village idiot, walking towards him carrying his front door.
"Why are you carrying your front door?" says OFH.
"When I went out yesterday," says H, "I lost me key. So today I've brought the door so I can get back in."
"Oh yes," says OFH, "and what happens if you loose the door?"
"Ah," says H, tapping the side of his nose. "I'm not that stupid - I've left a window open!"
Rick
-
Three old modellers sitting around talking, and the 60 year old said you guys have it easy I go to the toilet and stand there for twenty minutes trying to pee and nothing comes out.
the 70 year old said No way it is worse for us as I go to the toilet for two hours for a cr*p and only pass wind. The eighty year old said you guys have it to easy, at 6 am I have a pee and at 6.30 am I have a cr*p, the other two said whats wrong with that, the 80 year old said I don't wake up till 7.00am....
Roy
-
Roger - if the pub has no nails, the barman can't nail......
"But it was not a mouse, it was a shell"
What the hell, encore une verre.....
-
This is a fun little game.
The object is to move your curser over all the numbers from 1 – 33 in sequential order.
As the curser touches each number it is removed, Problem is your on the timer.
http://flash.abunawaf.com/2005/12/game33.swf (http://flash.abunawaf.com/2005/12/game33.swf)
-
Anmo
Got any nails? ;)
-
Damn Mayhem That makes me dizzy
Colin H.
-
Hi all nobody has mentioned the unvarnished tooth.
regards Roy
Dental Coverage
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way & no needles. I hate needles!" the patient said.
Then the dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing, the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man has any objection to taking a Pill. "No," the patient said -
"I am fine with pills".
The dentist then left the room, returned and said, "Here is a Viagara tablet."
The patient said, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist "but while I'm pulling out your tooth,
It'll give you something to hold on to!"
-
Hi, RoyCBR900.
Watch yesterday's cricket? Now that was funny! ;)
-
A builder knocked out an old fire place in a house and found a skeleton with a plaque round its neck.It said on the plaque...Irish Hide and Seek Champion.
chromedome
-
Mention of Viagra again reminds me that a new male contraceptive pill is currently being trialled.
It is an inch round. But you don't have to swallow it - you just put it in your shoe and it gives you a permanent limp!
-
Aussie Airlines
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots
review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas'
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with
an S)
by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
;) ;D
-
An Irishman broke into a bookies shop...and lost 30/-
-
Report on the Nigglesburry Model Boat Club meetiing
« on: July 26, 2006, 12:25:13 AM »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Absent members:
Harry Devivo, seems old Harry has finaly succumbd to his wifes' constant complaints of every work surface being cluttered with some kind of "boat related junk" and threatend to "chuck the lot". Harry responded as anyone one of us would and hit her over the head with a half finished "Aziz". Currently at Her Majesties' Pleasure he will be missed.
Richie Glat. He won't be missed. The Club Chairman took a dim view of the unneccessary "modifications" he did to his Nitro Boat and he has been banned for this meeting. The local residence of Nigglesbury can now take a stroll around their local lake without fear of seeing a large "willy"rocketing accross the water towards them.
Onto the annual awards.
Best New Comer.
Dennis Vest. This will come as a surprise to many of you at the club. Dennis does not win this award for his bright pink nitro boat, nor the Barbie(TM) he had water ski-ing behind it, or even that clever loud sound system that blarred out "I'm a Barbie(TM) girl in a Barbie(TM) World.." song everytime he put the thing on the water. But rather the way it hit the concrete pier last Sunday with a satisfying crunch and the way Barbie(TM) was carried by her own momentum into the boats twin high speed props. The resutling cloud of shredded pink plastic impressed the judges no end.
Best model, Kit Class.
Donald Pants. Out of the water Donalds' destroyer was most impressive, he had made high use of white metal figures and white metal details in an exciting disregard of the instructions and won the judges over. Its a good thing those same judges were in the bar and did not see it on the water, many club members sportingly pointed out that its bottom was very well painted as it drifted past them.
Best Scratch Build Class
Reggie Horlicks. Reggie has really out done himself this time with his terrifyingly detailed sludge barge. We have all followed his progress in his monthly column "Modeling for Psychotics" with much eagerness. Every spot of rust, evey leaky pipe, every chunk of who knows' what- its all been lovingly replicated. We all know the story, you have told it to us many times in club house, of how the real barge is on private property surrounded by guard dogs and razor wire. After days of taking measurments and photographs, weeks in hospital for cuts and dog bites, months in prison for trespass and years of building and therapy Reggie revealed his creation to us. It has sounds, it has lights and releases a cloud or something in the lake we pray is mud but thank God it has no smells- yet. Well done Reggie, many of us watched you go away with a happy smile on your dog-chewed face with an air of vindication. Others of us were just happy to watch you go away....
Finally a plea from the chairman.
As you all know we know have over 24 over-eager tug captains and only one "dummy" target for towing as none of you lot can be botherd to build the things. Last week we had over a dozen tugs surrounding the "dummy" and there was almost a fight between the trendy new "Pusher" captains and the more traditional "Puller" types. "Stop pushing it that way!" "But its a pusher tug, i like pushing things.." "Only pushing around here is going to be done by me pushing you into the lake..." And so forth. This must stop. I now plea for a new dummy towing target, a real thick skinned, over built lump which is useless to everyone else and nobody will mind the odd propeller gouging out a chunk now and then. So with this in mind do any of you have John Prescotts contact details?
Reporter
Pointy Captain
Hope you dont mind Pointy but I think this is one of the funniest things I have read on the Forum and I thought it should be aired again.
Richard ;)
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Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security
last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the
counter.
The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had
left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that
I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I'll have to go home to get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused,
but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience
at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and
then said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . ..........
you might have got disability, too."
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(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Image5.jpg)
Good one Rob!
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Oops! Sorry ::)
USS Montana v The Irish (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psHktEEI9TA)
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Thanks, Martin.
I had seen the joke set down as text but whoever made that film deserves an Oscar!
Roger in France.
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A friend of mine served in the Navy, he told me that something similar happened for real.....and it was an US-Ship- though, this is no joke, mates!
(Who laughs about "big brother"? Eeh?) ::) ::) ::)
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RMS Queen Mary, the fastest and finest liner in the world was passing into the Med on her maiden voyage. As is customary the RN signaller on top of Gibraltar sent the signal - "What Ship"?
Reply - "What Rock"?
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Russell Crowe went to audition for Gladiator.
Right said the director, today we have something different to the normal screen test - here are three doors.
You go into the first room in which there is a vat of wine. You have to drink all of the wine!
Come out and go into the second room in which there is a tiger with a bad tooth. You have to remove the tooth!
In the third room there is a young lady from (insert town of choice) who has never been satisfied. You have to satisfy her!
So into the first room he goes. After an hour and much 'glugging' sounds, he staggers out and launches himself into the second room. Sounds of shrieking and yowling are heard and half an hour later he comes out, clothes all ripped to shreds and scratches all over him.
Staggering over to the director he asks -
Now where's the woman with the toothache!
::)
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Danny
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... the following poster might match to the post: "More about the Swastika-Ban" as well....
;D
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Time for another daft joke-
John and Eddy were in the bar and Eddy says "I'll have to go to the docs as my elbow is playing up"
John tells him not to bother as there is a fantastic new machine in Tescos that does diagnosis. All you do is pour in a urine sample stick in a fiver and it prints out whats wrong with you.
So, clutching his fresh urine sample off Eddy goes. He pops his sample and the fiver into the machine, waits a few minutes and out comes the printout -
"You have tennis elbow - bathe it in warm water and rest it completely for two weeks".
Well, Eddy is amazed so decides to try and fool the machine.
He collects urine samples of his cat, wife and daughter, empties in the water from the cooling jacket of his boat IC engine and just for good measure masturbates into the mixture.
Off to Tescos he goes, pours the sample into the machine and inserts his fiver. The printout duly arrives and says -
Your cat has a bladder infection - get a vet
Your daughter has a heroin habit - get her into rehabilitation
Your wife is pregnant - twins - not yours - get a lawyer
Your CMB 90 has been running 1/4 turn too lean - adjust it
and if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow is never going to get better!
Thank you for shopping at Tesco's
________________
Danny
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haha very funny
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Husband to his wife:
"I`ll have a go to the doctor for check-up. He wants me to bring a sample of urin, bowel an sperm".
His wife: "O.k., you may take your underwear from yesterday with you".
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- Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentine's day - hoover works great now
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them
each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."
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Two irish walking down a street looking for work,
Seamus sees a sign in a job centre window, and remarks
"hey Patr'k there after tree surgeons here"
patrick looks at seamus "aah but seanus there is only 2 of us "
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So then Sheamus get a job on the building site.
After a couple of days he goes to the foreman and says
"Can I have some oil for the wheel on me barrow, it's going squeak... squeak... squeak"
"You're fired" says the foreman, it should be going "sqee,sqee,sqee,sqee,sqee"
Easier to say than to write :D
Danny
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I must be bored - heres another
3 blokes at the pearly gates. St Peter says "OK, how did you die?"
Bloke 1 - Well, I suspected my wife was being unfaithful, so I rushed home to our 6th floor flat, dashed in to find her with no clothes on in the bed. I searched the place but couldn't find anybody so, in a fit of rage, picked up the refrigerator and threw it through the window, giving myself a heart attack and here I am.
Bloke 2 - Well, I was walking along the road past these flats when a fridge landed on my and killed me.
Bloke 3 - Well, I was sitting in this fridge, minding my own business......... :D
Danny
(If somebody doesn't stop me, I'll go on forever - ah here comes the wife) :)
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A painter went to the job agency, asked for an helper, experienced in painting.
"Sorry Sir", said the clerk, "we just have some gynecologists".
"Are you deaf, man? I need painters, no doctors!"
After a while of discussion the painter declared himself to take one gynecologist, just for a week on probe.
One week later he came back and asked for another 3 gynecologists.
"Why that", asked the clerk- "you`d had been recusant just by taking one of them".
"Look", said the painter- "we had an order to paint an hallway. He rang at the door, nobody was at home. And he managed to get the order done through the slit of the postbox in the housedoor..."
Jörg
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Thre men walk up to St Peter at the pearly gates.....
St Peter says "In light of new entrance requirements I have to ask each of you a question - whether you get it right or not determines whether you come into heaven".
So the first chap walks up - clearly a saitly country parson. "No problem, we'll make it easy" thinks St Peter.....
"What was the name of the White Star Liner that sank on its maiden voyage?"
"The Titanic"
So the fist chap is let into heaven.
The next chap is a bit more of a problem - clearly he was a dusatman on earth, obviously with an earthy sense of humour. Peter is not sure whether he would upset all the polite ladies in heaven so decides to make the question a bit harder...
"How many people persihed?"
"1490"
So the second chap is let in.
The third chap is dressed in a well tailored designer suit, with a designer leather briefcase. Everything about him screams city lawyer. So St peter sdays to him...
"Name them"
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John Bass sent me this one......
** Crab-like catamaran in action **
http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6360000/newsid_6368300/6368321.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6360000/newsid_6368300/6368321.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm)
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I plead not guilty for these ::)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a BMW when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how can I make £15,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, £120,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
" Try doing it with the engine running."
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner's: Drop your pants here.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company's truck: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(READ THEM OUT LOUD)
1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................... Dum "xxxxx"
5) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ................ Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................... Su Pah
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour..........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
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Spotted this in the local aquatic shop, it better and cheaper than my lastest attempt at model building.... ::)
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;D ;D
Shouldn't think it took so long to make either Martin ;)
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Is that one of those artificial reefs you keep hearing about?
Looks like most of the Royal Navy is heading in that direction at the moment. :'(
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Its 2012, and down at the London Olympic Stadium an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are trying to blag their way in for free.
The Englishman picks up a dustbin lid, goes up to Security and announces: "Smith, England, discus!" So they let him through.
The Scotsman finds a scaffolding pole. "McTavish, Scotland, pole vault." So they let him through too.
The Irishman thinks, looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and says "O'Reilly, Ireland, fencing."
Rick
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Hey Martin,
I see you paid 39.99 pounds, is that the selling price on the stand behind the model...... ;D ;D
Roy
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39.95 pounds for the model - the 495 pounds is if you want the 'pan scourers' in the background to clean it up.
I'd buy one myself if it wasn't for the slight crazing on the hull surface ;D
(Good job I don't sell on e-bay :o )
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Hi all, this one I have dug out from the archives.
hope you like it
Roy
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, 'Cuddles' discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of the story..?
Don't mess with old farts...Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! B......t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Roy, this reminds me on another story:
Once there was this mouse, walking over the meadow where some cows pasture. One of them lifted her tail and a big pile was falling down. It landed on the mouse and she was digged, just the tip of her tail was looking out- and she started shouting for help.
A cat was walking over the meadow, hearing the shouts and found the mouse. She pulled her out, cleaned and devoured her.
And the moral of this story?
Not everybody, who drives you into mud is your enemy.
Not everybody, who helps you out of the mud is your friend.
But when you are in deep mud , draw in your tail and shut up!
(MUD WAS TAKEN TO AVOYD THE "WORD-NOT-ALLOWED") ;D
Jörg
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On the subject of offending everyone.....
The British Isles consists of four nationalities:
The Irish - who don't know what they want, but will fight anybody for it
The Scots - who keep the Sabbath, and anything else they can get their hands on
The Welsh - who pray on their knees and on their neighbours
And the English - who consider themselves self-made men......thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility!
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With thanks to whoever started these....
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
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Don't know if this is true or not, but it iscertainly food for thought >:( >:(
MikeK
Give this lady 3 cheers
A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS........... A 98 year
old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
Computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD?
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If it is true- god bless her for doing, what most of us wish to have done!
Hope that I still can sit (age 98) in my workshop, ready for a good moan.....
Jörg
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With thanks to whoever first posted this, wherever I was looking
Shopping
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours
sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
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I see I've finally reached the dizzy heights, so here's an "Admiral" joke
A Chief Petty Officer and an Admiral were sitting in adjacent barbers chairs. The barbers finished their haircuts at about the same time and prepared to give them a squirt with the highly-scented spray.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Rick
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.... Rick, this reminds me on a saying we have had due to my Military service, when I graduated as a staff-sergeant.
We have to go for training in a German city, called "Iserlohn".
Iserlohn is known as the city with the most illegitimate children:"Never beat a child in Iserlohn- it could be yours...."
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And the English - who consider themselves self-made men......thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility!
There was a wonderful description - can't remember if it was by Disraeli or about him:
"A self-made man who worships his creator"
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Wombat,
This quote (or variations on it) is attributed to many people, including:
“A self-made man? Yes, and one who worships his creator.” - William Cowper (who died in a house in our town)
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"He is a self-made man, very much in love with his creator." - Benjamin Disraeli
Rick
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Four married guys went to the boating lake.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out boating this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued boating, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Boating or Sex," and she said,
'Wear a sweater'.
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Tug--Kenny,
I just relayed that to my wife and she thought it was funny then said "I suppose you'll be trying that one next then?" :)
Richard,
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This one's courtesy of my son........................
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given
his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He
told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and
there was a huge meal on the table.
Billy said the he had married a Yorkshire lass. He boasted that the
duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Cheers,
Ian.
8)
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This may not be a joke but it struck me as humorous [especially for Martin and Bradders];
In French "brader" is " to sell off cheaply"! And if you look it up in a French dictionary, just above it is "boycottage".....no, not what you are thinking, naughty, naughty! It means, "boycott".
Glorious language, French and amazingly it has made my schoolboy Latin of 50 + years ago regain value.
Roger in France.
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Hi all, got a 'sophisticated' joke for you. i.e. Its non-PC of a sexual nature and may offend a certain nationality and if you are under 16 do not read any further.
regards Roy
German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she
replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the
girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck
caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing
on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all
this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most
sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before
she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally
amazing.......what do you call that?
Wait for it............
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique
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Did anyone watch the T.V. doc' about the eight year old that weighs in at 14 stone?
he was on the tv and was asked which musical instrument he liked most at school.... his reply was simple " the dinner bell"
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Roy, non of my mates had ever told me about that technique...... :P
But`ll have a try, sounds interesting....
Best regards from Germany :D
Jörg
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Talking of Audi, reminds me -
One for "BigFella"
Bruce has his own farm in the outback but is getting lonely. He decides that a 'mail order' bride is what he needs, and duly sends off.
They arrange to meet in the city, where they have a quick wedding ceremony and head for the bridal suite at the hotel to celebrate their wedding night.
Once in their rooms his new bride says she is just slipping into the bathroom to get ready.
While in there she is puzzled by all manner of thuds and scraping noises coming from the lounge.
When she emerges, she sees all the furniture has been stacked up against one wall, so asks Bruce what is going on?
"Well lass, I ain't ever been with a woman afore, but if you're anything like those bl**dy kangaroos,
- I'm going to need all the room I can get!"
(insert smiley if applicable)
Danny
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Opps ! ( Video Clips) [/color]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxKxzMLMcQU
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How we know God is not a woman.
The earth was without form and void and darkness covered the face of the waters.
God said "Let there be light".
There was light and God saw that it was good.
God did not say "Hmmmm. Can I see the dark again?"
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Hi all, just trolling through my files and found this.
It is totally PC you can even tell your daughter this one!
regards Roy
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. This duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled
out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it
all adds up!"
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Some I had sent me because ive just reach 60 rub it in why dont yeah
An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
-
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
Cheers...Ken
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Well Ken, isn't that what it's all about?
Anyway - you got the wrong colour bulb and mounted it in the wrong place on the model - and you could have used a LED instead to protect the environment! ;D ;D
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Aye Colin and Tugboat Ken, now see what you've started :D so he did put the wrong colour bulb in his tugboat mast or was it the mast of his tugboat ;D
Aye
John E
BLUEBIRD
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Ken, you have forgotten:
3 who feel offended by a light-bulb post
2 who claim to Martin to ban this post
4 who send PM`s to ask about the colour of the bulb, which may occure a different technic in changing as for clear or white bulbs
11 who offer to send a copy of the local yellow pages to find an electrian in your neighborhood
5 who can`t recon the problem, telling you: Light a candle instead
Jörg
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Gentlemen, now coming up with a good one...- for you as technic-freaks you will probably understand the problem of this lad....
Dear John,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs? Phone rings but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I
can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her. I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and
then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the
valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it
back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
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A Swiss tourist visiting Australia pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. ‘Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?’ he asks. The two Aussies just stare at him. ‘Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?’ he tries. The two continue to stare. ‘Parlano italiano?’ No response. ‘Hablan ustedes español?’ Still nothing. The Swiss bloke drives off, somewhat piqued. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.’ ‘Why?’ asks his mate. ‘That ba5tard knew four and it didn’t do him any bloody good.’ "
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Perfection
A man walked into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. He gets in to the taxi, and the cabbie says, "perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could've won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should've heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she were in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was a perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his d****d widow."
Cheers all Roy
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O.K.- this one was send to me from one of my mates in the UK.... hope you`ll like it:
Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either".
-
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday boating. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle,
besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,!
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football
the offside rule, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Richard :-* :-*
-
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
" Do you want a bed near the window?"
-
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow field.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.
'Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours'!
I don't remember much after that.
.....................................................................................
Moral - never play with your wife, it's too risky.
Danny
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Subject: Birth Control
After having their 11th child, a Southampton couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Saints supporter said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putt'n a firework in a beer can next
to me ear is gonna help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs, so
he could continue counting on his other hand . . . . ..
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex,
Sunderland, Aberdeen, Carntyne and anywhere in Wales.
-
it works in Quebec, Newfoundland and most of the southern US.
-
With the ides of March approaching, here's a real "was it worth the read" joke.
It was Julius Ceaser's birthday and he was extremely annoyed that no-one appeared to have remembered.
As he was being driven to the Senate in his chariot, he considered how he would extract revenge on everyone.
Turning the last corner into the main Senate drive, his eyes lit up as he gazed along the twin rows of crucified Christians lining each side of the road.
"They did remember" he cried, and ordered his driver to slow down so that he could appreciate the spectacle.
As they approached the last one, he could see the man's head lolling from side to side and his lips moving.
"Stop the chariot" he commanded, and got off. "This one's still alive, and he's trying to say something. Get me a ladder" he ordered the driver.
When the ladder arrived, Julius climbed up and said to the man "speak up, what are you saying"?
As Julius leaned closer, the Christian summoned his last remaining strength and in a quavering, sing-song voice said -
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"Happy Birthday day to you, Happy Birthday to you ...............
(I'm now going to hide) ;D
Danny
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Danny- did you have listen to often to Monty Python? ;D
Jörg
-
Here's one for the golfers and engineers :
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
MikeK
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An old couple went to bed. After a while they switched off the light and turned their ways.
5 minutes later the husband recon, that his wife still was turning around in bed. He switched on the light and said: "Darling, here is your headache-tablett".
"I don`t have headache", was the answer.
He dropped his pyjama-trouser and started to smile... "O.k. then, let`s go for it!"
-
NATO Investigators, the American army, and the Metropolitan Police all claim to be the best at apprehending terrorists.
The Home Secretary decides to test them by releasing a rabbit into a forest which each of them, in turn, has to try to catch.
The NATO Investigators go in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The American army then goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and refuse to apologise. "The rabbit had it coming to it".
The Metropolitan Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten fox. The fox is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
-
... and the German Police would be blamed for not caring about the rights of the rabbit for asylum......
-
One for the Scousers.
Letter sent to an agony aunt
lI am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser.
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I'm sorry, but the history about the rabbit is not a joke, it is the only and principal theory in criminal investigation of the Mexican police, but the animal was an elephant ;D
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Hi Godo
The rabbit joke, like many good jokes has probably been all around the world (a few times sometimes - eh, Richard - not you, the scouser joke) ;D
I freely admit, I "modified" it from an Indian version (don't ask) ???
The thing I love about this site is the fact that we put our jokes up, expecting nothing but hoping it will amuse our friends. Another site which shall remain nameless, has one joke put up - and 15 posts to say it was a good joke!
Expect nothing - and you won't be dissapointed ;D ;D
Danny
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Grandma's Day in Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. As so was the case for a small-town Southern
prosecuting attorney. He called his first witness, who was an elderly
Grandmother, to the stand. He approached her in his lawyer tone, trying to
scare the witness. To try and show her creditability as a witness, he
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The prosecuting lawyer was stunned, but the congregation and defence
lawyer were amused. Confused and not knowing what else to do, the lawyer
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence
attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's a lazy bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he too cheated on his wife, with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney almost died, as along with the prosecuting lawyer, who
was standing there very stunned. The Judge quickly banged his gavel on
the desk and commanded both counsellors to approach his bench!! Then in a
very quiet, but forceful voice, the Judge said, "If either of you idiots asks
her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
-
what did a German police officer say to his nipples?
YOU ARE UNDER A VEST!
-
;D ;D ;D
A bit like the old Albert RN joke when the Germans eventually cottoned on and arrested 'him' saying...
........................ 'VE HAF VAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK!' ;D
-
wander if the officer lived in 999 letsby avenue?
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that,
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-
Englishman Scotsman & Frenchman find a magic lamp.
Out pops a Genie & grants them a wish each.
"I'll have independance for scotland" says the jock
"consider it done" Says the Genie.
" I want a wall, fifty feet high, ten feet wide all the way around france"
"consider it done" Says the Genie.
"Tell me about this wall' says the englishman.
"Its fifty feet high, Ten feet thick, nothing can get in or out" Says the Genie.
"Fill it full of water" says the Englishman.
-
Copper wire was invented by two scots fighting over a penny.
-
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."
___________________
Danny
-
From America (obviously) -
Modern Day Cowboy.........
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He's turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
___________________
Danny
(with no sense of decorum on a Sunday) ;)
-
You may mock, but the cul-de sac with the RMP post in, in an army base "somewhere in England" is actually called "Letsby Avenue". This is Army Joke No 4.
-
We're no "blondist" on here are we :D
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde girl in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her handbag in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her make up mirror, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."
A blonde was driving down the road when she gets stopped by the police.
When the officer gets to the car he says to the blonde, " You were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour limit."
The blonde says, "No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."
To this the cop snaps back, "Look ... that was a road sign, this is the A43 and you were doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour limit."
The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding.
The officer scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his blonde partner what he should do.
After telling his blonde partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her a ticket now. The A227 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her."
Danny
-
A Man in a balloon has lost his bearings, he see's a person down below him so he shouts down for some directions.
"Excuse me, I think I am a little bit lost, furthermore I am supposed to meet some friends of mine soon, can you tell me where I am.
The woman looks up and replies " Your about fifty feet in the air, at about 51 degrees North by 1 degree west, travelling at about 5 knots in a North Westerly direction"
The Man thinks about this and replies, "You must be an Engineer"
The woman shouts back " Yes I am how did you guess that".
"Well" the Man says " what you have told me is technically correct but to be honest you have been of no use to me so far".
"You must be a Manager" the Woman replies.
"Thats right" the Man replies "How did you know"
"Well" the Woman says" You've got youself into a position through a lot of hot air with no real idea of where you are, you've also made promises to others that you possibly can't keep, but somehow its all my fault!!!.
-
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
! "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying b*stard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so much
I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, "his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
"now just rest and let the poison work."
There's no need to feel you're forgotten-Your angels know you and your needs.
-
A guy walked into a noisy bar in Cyprus and ordered a drink. The barman said "Ten Cents".
The guy said "Thats cheap" and the barman said "All the drinks are ten cents".
The guy said "How does that pay?" and the barman said "It doesn't, but it doesn't really matter. I won an unspeakable amount in the lottery, and couldn't think of a better way of enjoying it for myself so I moved here and bought the bar. I meet a lot of happy people, and even at this rate, the interest comes in almost as fast as it gets drunk."
The guy looked around and saw a lot of happy people, apart from about a half dozen dour faces in the corner. "What about those guys?" he said.
The barman said "Oh, they're from Leeds. They're waiting for happy hour."
-
Earl and Bubba two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting fishing and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says " I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over two months"
Earl spits, sips his beer and says " You better think it over - women like that are hard to find"
-
An African chief comes over to the great exhibition an the crystal palace. He is much taken with an iron foundry's special piece, a cast iron throne, so much so, that he agrees to buy it at an exorbitant price, at the end of the exhibition it is shipped to Africa to await his return, this however is not for two years, when he finally get back to his very lavish hut, he is distraught to find the whole thing deep with rust - The moral for all of us is, that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Colin
-
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
-
My wife thinks your wives / partners can probably relate to the following contribution, she thought it was funny.......
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks*
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower*
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way,cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way,shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound or do helicopter impersonations.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open,wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again or do helicopter impersonations.
Throw wet towel on bed.
-
Visual aid for the above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwg2R6M7rV8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwg2R6M7rV8)
-
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Lord, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from all that 'skippin'
-
two irishmen are making letter bombs, pat asks "do you think ive put enough explosives in the envelope?" "dont know" says mick open it and see! "but it will explode" dont be daft mick replys, its not addressed to you.
-
An Irishman tried to cross the channel by hang glider.
He had to give up half way over as the rope was hurting his neck.
-
More 'humor' than joke...
"It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our
most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In fact, I discovered by
reading newspapers that these journalists/geniuses plainly saw all my
strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too
late. Accordingly , I'm readily willing to yield my command to these
obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the cause
by writing editorials - after the fact."
- Robert E. Lee in 1863.
-
I have the Grauniad to thank for this, which is just plain silly but had me giggling like a daft schoolboy:
Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: Oscillate its t1ts a lot!
-
Man & wife are in bed together.
"Tell me" says the man, " How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
"You're never here" she replies
-
Women's feet are smaller than men's.
Medical Fact.
reason............So they can get closer to the sink.
-
Why are wedding dresses WHITE?
Standard colour for a kitchen accessory!
Richard,
-
looking at the bottom of your posting Richard about the rings.
you should'nt forget about the four ages of woman
1 tean-age
2 marr-age
3 bagg-age
4 oald-age
-
If your wife comes out of the kitchen complaining, what is the problem?
The chain is too long ;D ;D
The other Brian
-
How can you stop a woman talking to you?
How can you stop a woman pleasuring you?
Marry her !
Whats the best way to lose a lot of unwanted weight?
Divorce it!
Richard,
(happily married) she says I am ???
-
My dog, who's name is 'Cigarette', has been waiting for the nice weather we've been having lately! He doesn't have any legs, by the way. He really enjoys being taken out for a drag.
- 'Doc
-
Seen on another site ::)
Quotes from Leaving Cert English essays-
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn"t.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda" like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can"t Believe It"s Not Butter" ad.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife"s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
Last but not least:
" The star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph. "
-
Medical Diistinction - Guts vs. Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do we really know the difference between them ?
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask : "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next ."
Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
-
Cornish Bylaws....
The sign reads:
Safety Notice
No Fishing gear to be stored on the jetty
-
Saga louts, the lot of them.
Working people frequently ask retired people like me, Richard, what do you do all day to make your days interesting?
Well, for example, the other day James and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So James called him a sh*thead. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by
bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Richard ;)
-
On the subject of old age, this one was sent to me recently....
An old chap is having a check-up, and the doctor tell him he needs to test his semen. So the old boy goes off with the little bottle and instructions to return the following day with the sample.
Next morning a dispirited old chap turns up empty-handed. "Is there a problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old boy. "I tried this morning. First with my right hand - no good. Then with my left - nothing. Then both hands together - still nothing. Then my wife tried. First one hand, then two. Then in her mouth - teeth in and teeth out - but still nothing. I was just about to jam it in the door....."
The doctor looked aghast "In the door?"
"Yes, but then the postman showed up and we got him to try it."
"You got the postman to try?" gasped the doctor, by now totally bewildered.
"Oh yes," replied the old boy. "But none of us could get the top off the damned bottle!"
-
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small
town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde'
jokes, when a wel l-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde
jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possi bly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential,
because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative
images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of
cheap laughs. "
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is
not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it
is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for
their fellow c itizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b****r
on your knee."
The Philosophy of Sex
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither"
-- Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel mo re comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are repo rting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. J ust show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a "xxxxx", and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A major earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Kent last Saturday, with its epicentre in Folkestone.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interes ting had happened in Folkestone.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom cry ing. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from E lizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought afte r - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other item s usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of White Lightning or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," CHERITON " said the girl,
"woss that gotta do wiv you?
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kent - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
-
Heard this on Classic FM.
Man driving along a country road and runs out of petrol.
A Bee lands on his windscreen and enquires about the problem. "Ran out of petrol", says the man.
"Hang on a tick, and I'll see what I can do. Buzzes off.
A few minutes later a whole swarm of bees dive into his petrol tank, and after a few minutes the Bee says "OK, start your engine".
Vroom, vroom. Great. How did you do that the driver asks.
BP. says the bee.
-
At last a joke I can tell my kids!
Good one Bryan.
Martin ;D
-
Another old one suitable for kids -
A bloke's driving along a country lane when his car breaks down. As he's looking under the bonnet, he hears a voice saying "its your distributor lead".
Looking round, there's no-one there, all he can see are two horses in a field, a black one and a white one. As he's looking the white horse comes closer and says "I said, its your distributor lead". The man is speechless and without a word looks at the distributor to find the lead hanging off.
He quickly replaces it, jumps in, starts the car and drives off.
At the next village he heads straight into the pub and orders a large whisky. As the barman gives it to him, he says "you'll never guess what just happened. I broke down and a horse leaned over the fence and told me it was my distributor - can you believe that - a talking horse"!
The barman says "white one, was it"?
"Yes" says the man
Barman replies "Thought so, the black one knows NOTHING about cars".
Danny
-
From
The Master,
RFA "Wave Goodbye"
Dear Sir,
It is with much regret and haste that I write this letter to you. I regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from the worlds press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the cadet had just returned from changing the "G" flag to the "H" flag. Being the cadets first trip he was having difficulty rolling up the "G" flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the final fold I told him to "let go". The lad, although willing, is not too bright; necessitating my having to repeat my instruction in a sharper tone.
At this moment the Ch.Officer appeared from the Chartroom having been plotting the vessels progress, and thinking that I was referring to the anchor, he instructed the Third Officer on the forecastle to "Let Go". The Port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" whilst the ship was travelling at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port anchor cable was pulled out "by the roots". I fear the damage to the Chain Locker will require extensive repairs. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were progressing.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, 2 cyclists and a cattle truck on to the foredeck. My ships company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter...which from the noise I would say were pigs.
In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor. Too late to be of any practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operators cabin. We believe him to be in fairly good health as we could just see him by the light of the numerous small fires as he waved vigourously to the ship as he was taken away in the ambulance.
I digress. Just after the port anchor was dropped and the vessel began to sheer, I gave a double ring for full speed astern on the telegraph and personnally telephoned the Engine Room for maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53*F and was asked what tonights video was. My reply would not add anything constructive to this report.
Up until now my report has been limited to the forward part of the vessel. Down aft the Second Officer was having his own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the towing spring down to the tug.
The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to "run in under" the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some two minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of the tug.
It was strange, but at the very same time as letting go the port anchor there was a power-cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at the time might suggest we have touched something on the river bottom. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is not possible to determine at this time just where the power pylon has fallen.
It has never failed to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in a corner of my day-room alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of my best Gin in a time that would have been worthy of inclusion in "The Guinness Book Of Records". The tug captain on the other hand has proved difficult, he reacted violently and had to be restrained by the steward, who has safely hancuffed him in the ships hospital where he is reportedly telling me to do the impossible with my ship and my person.
I enclose the names of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles presently on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after the somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage they did to the railings by No.1 hold.
I shall now close this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of the police sirens and their flashing blue lights...and the noise from the pigs.
Humbly yours
etc. etc.
PS It is sad to think that none of this would have happened had the cadet realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark.
-
In the RFA we had (have) a naval type of piping system. Not the tube type, but the bellowing sort of stuff you get on staion platforms. There was also a switch that could make your "pipes" only heard in the relevant parts of the ship....generally totally ignored by the majority of users.
Here are some that perked the senses................
1. S/E King to the Flight Deck
2. Ted Rodgers phone 321.
3. Seaman Picasso to the Paint Locker.
4. P/O Tato contact the galley.
5. Seaman Staines to the laundry.
6.Dockyard drillers Mr. Black and Mr. Decker to the gangway.
-
A teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious”. Roland the teacher’s pet, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.”
“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher.”Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”
“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious”.
-
Some words spring to mind with that one Barry - knuckle, close, the & to - but I liked it.....contagious in a Dublin accent.
Reminds me of the story of the irish fella chasing a lorry, catching up with him at a red light he shouts up to the driver "Oi mate! you're losing your load", the retort came back '5od off' and the lorry driver took off, next set of lights, same thing "Oi mate, I'm tellin yer, yer losing your load". The driver replies "I'm tellin YOU - 5od off - I'm gritting!
-
Bird with a bad habit lol , as seen at a caravan site in Fife this weekend.... ;D ;D ;D
(http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b192/bigscotsbloke/funnies/bird-nesting-in-fagbox.jpg)
-
An attractive young women went into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre..... so he gave her one!
Rick
-
Brilliant! ;D
Bird with a bad habit lol , as seen at a caravan site in Fife this weekend.... ;D ;D ;D
-
Strange and Stupid Laws in the United States
Minnesota:
--It is illegal to tease skunks.
--Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
--A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
--Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
--In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens."
New York:
--In Saten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
--In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina:
--It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard.
--It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Oklahoma:
--Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
--People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
--In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
--In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
--In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
--The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Montana:
--In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
--It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska:
--If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
--It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Florida:
--Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.
Georgia:
--In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
--In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
Pennsylvania:
--"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island:
--Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee:
--It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
--In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
--In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
--The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
-It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah:
--A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia:
--In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
--In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont:
--It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
--It is illegal to whistle underwater.
--Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Arkansas:
--A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
--In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
--It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Massachusetts:
--It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
--North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
--In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Indiana:
--Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
--In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
--According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
--In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet
-
Doc, these whales that you can legally shoot from a moving vehicle in California - do they have to have come from Oklahoma?
-
Doc, these whales that you can legally shoot from a moving vehicle in California - do they have to have come from Oklahoma?
-
Fair enough.
-
school boy takes teacher brazil nuts no shell nice & white teacher asks boy dont you want any he said no thanks teacher had all of them after she said wear did you get the nuts from he said my grandad gave them to me he only likes the chocolate
-
malcolmfrary,
No, the whales from Oklahoma are too smart to go to California.
- 'Doc
-
Hi Doc
They heard about the legal shooting, then?
-
Hi Doc
They heard about the legal shooting, then?
Probably wouldn't have bothered them if they did. Being American whales, they would quite happily dismiss any unfortunate fatalities as being due to 'friendly fire', especially if the dead whales happened to be 'furriners'.
-
I have no idea how much whales pay attention to the 'news'. Then again, they do have sort of penetrating voices, so it all may be a result of 'hear say', you know how that gets distorted. I can say with some certainty that when 'Oklahoma' whales move to California, the move results in a higher IQ for both places.
- 'Doc
If it gets any 'deeper' than that, I'll have to find my boots...
-
So I bought some of that new varnish,
-
It does exactly what it says on the tin,
-
-
-
-
Causes severe vomiting and hallucinations after ingestion!
-
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"
She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the
outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the condi tions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
Th e principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong...... "
-
The Roman galley was cruising the Mediterranean, when suddenly, for no apparent reason, the overseer ran through the slave deck, lashing everyone furiously. Then all the slaves lent back on their benches and urinated into the air. All, that is, except the newest, youngest slave, who, totally bemused, turned to his older neighbour and asked "What's going on?"
"Oh" replied the older slave. "It's someone's birthday. We always have a whip round and a p*ss-up!"
-
For Bluebird and other fellow countrymen :
Subject: Geordie Salesman
How to improve sales:
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man
answered "Eye, hinnie , I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager
groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales a day. How much was the sale for?
£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64,
what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin'
fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he
would need a boat,
so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4
Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his ladyfriend
and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well
gan fishing."
-
They'll be walking home then!
-
a friend of mine was kicked out of the local swimming baths the other day ,he entered the pool in his "spedo's" not knowing that the "s" had come off
-
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and
elsewhere)!!!
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss rather than working hard .
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire
day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in
the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's
answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away
from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free
photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles
that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the
requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape
that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such
as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in
which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
(Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while
passing through a Cube Farm.
-
Very good.
"What Yuppies get into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids."
Should be Dinkies, not Yuppies (Dual Income No Kids).
-
Scouser claiming Child benefit
A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the woman.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" she answers.
"What? They've all got the same name?" says the council worker, "Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Don't be soft," says the scouse woman, "It's great - if they're out playing in the street I just have to yell 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER SOFT LAD!' and they all do it."
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Scouse woman "I just use their surnames."
-
cdsc123,
Correction noted.
- 'Doc
-
This is a true story from Canberra, it even made the National News.............
Roy
-
An Ode tae Dunderheids at Glasgae airport ;D
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim b'stard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-"xxxxx"
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F*** !!
-
Political Correctness
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a 'xxxxx' by the clean end."
I don't make these things up, I just steal them. If it's a 'dupe', so what, so am I.
- 'Doc
-
I told my wife I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “tenpin?” I said, “no, permanent.”
Rick
-
Political Correctness
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a 'xxxxx' by the clean end."
I don't make these things up, I just steal them. If it's a 'dupe', so what, so am I.
- 'Doc
Where I live (China) yer don't have to be PC and life in the office is so much easier for all concerned. Be it man, woman, black, white or yellow.
-
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
-
And... and....
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
-
It made oi larf.....
(http://homepage.mac.com/robertdavies/stone.jpg)
-
What do you call a Scouser in a average three bedroom suburban house??
A Burglar
-
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused
It was Bartapus what made me do it M'lud.
-
Bartapuss
Tyneside.............. People in glass houses come to mind.!!!
and tigertiger
Gosh, that a new one. you are very sharp today, did you have a dog for breakfast..
-
Bartapuss
Tyneside.............. People in glass houses come to mind.!!!
and tigertiger
Gosh, that a new one. you are very sharp today, did you have a dog for breakfast..
No, but I had a dog for lunch. However I am feeling ruff now. ::)
-
Well, build a barque - take your mind off it! ;D
-
No, but I had a dog for lunch. However I am feeling ruff now. ::)
It's like those car window stickers say. 'A dog is not just for Christmas'. You can usually eke out the leftovers as sandwiches for Boxing Day as well.
And to stop anyone getting the wrong idea, I've been a dog owner all my life, and would never want to be without them.
-
....and I've been a scouser all my life...
Malc
-
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, wewere the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh1t out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking
the sh1t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a***hole and a briefcase."
-
splodger
Just for you
-
Bloody Hell HS93
I dread to think what you'd do with scousers?
Malc
-
I am one
Peter
-
Then can I have my car wheels back please? ;D ;D ;D
Regards, Malc
-
Malc
you where warned
Peter
-
Classic! ;D ;D ;D
-
DO NOT lose your grandkids at the shopping centre!!.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.
He approached a Policeman and said " I have lost my Grand dad!".
The Policeman asked "What's he like ?".
The small boy thought for a moment and then replied.
"Single Malt Whisky and women with big breasts".
John.
-
WARNING COMING TO A PLAY PARK
NEAR YOU
(http://hometown.aol.co.uk/MillCol/ole.bmp)
-
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
wife,
"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station:
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
naked.
when I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night,
girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and his
wife stripped
naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!!!!"
"WOMON .... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de
fire!"??
-
Is this too soon I wonder?
:D :P
How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as "xxxxx"-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
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Australian Joke of the year
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge
and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says,'We have siome good news and some bad news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in
a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together
and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
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Cant help feel robert you have put alot of thought into that.
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How to win some Fosters
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
My son is in AUS so I keep sending him Jokes
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Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Peter
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too". But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched".
"That was a fine story Emilie.
Mick, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon Was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fook away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the "xxxxx"."
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Hen goes into library, jumps on to counter, says "book-book"
Librarian gives her book.
Hen tucks book under wing, goes out of library, returns 20 mins later, jumps onto counter, drops book, says "book-book", librarian gives her new book.
Repeat 15 times until librarian's lunch hour.
Librarian follows hen, out of library door, left down the High St, right at the Ragged Staff, left at the Baptist Church, down to village pond, where hen drops book in front of frog.
Frog says....
"Reddit, reddit reddit".
Hen picks up book,.........
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?
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what happenned to the other cat,
sniper kitty shot it, its doing a fly back with the bullet hollywood style
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clever cat
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Just seen Andy M's post on "Any Other Builds" and it reminded me of this old classic:
Bruce and Bluie are sitting on the dock, drinking a beer with their feet in the water. Suddenly there is a flurry of spray and Bruce turns to Bluie.
"Bloody hell, Bluie, a shark just bit ma foot off!"
"Which one, Bruce?"
"I don't know, Bluie, all these sharks look the same"
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A burglar breaks into a small flat. He rummages around for a few minutes looking for valuables, but then hears a voice say “Be careful, Lord is watching you.” He looks around and sees no-one in the flat, so carries on. A few seconds later, he hears the same voice. “Be careful, Lord is watching you.” Again, he looks around and sees a large parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. “Did you say that?” he asks the parrot. “Yes.” comes the reply, “and be careful, Lord is watching you.”
The burglar is perplexed, but then the penny drops. “Wait a minute, “ he says to the parrot. “Your name is Lord, isn’t it?” “Of course not,” replies the parrot, sounding quite annoyed “my name is Moses.” “Moses? MOSES?” says the burglar. “Who on earth calls their parrot Moses?” The parrot replies immediately. “The same people who call their Rottweiler Lord!”
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Any Dog jokes ?
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ok
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Cats and dogs
No dogs where harmed in the making of this joke
Fred
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Good movie Fred. Can only manage 'Stills'
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My favorite
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A man is in bed with his wife when he hears a rat-a-tat-tat on the front door. He rolls over, looks at the clock and sees that it's three o'clock in the morning. "What idiot would be knocking at the door at this hour?" thinks the man, and he rolls over and tries to go back to sleep.
After a few minutes, there's a louder knock on the door. "Aren't you going to see who it is?" asks his wife, so the man drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door to find a stranger standing outside.
"Eh mate," says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"
"No! Get lost! It's three in the morning. I was sleeping," says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get him to help us? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"
So the man gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey. Do you still want a push?"
A voice cries out, "Yes please, mate."
So, still being unable to see the stranger the man shouts, "Where are you?"
"I'm over here on the swings."
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Seen on another Forum:
A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies with the other pirates.
The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”
The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That's very exciting. But how about the hook?”
The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.''
The sailor's eyes were wide with awe at how tough this pirate was, and he asked,
How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull sh*t in my eye.”
The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull sh*t?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”
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Here's a bit of retaliatory fire from an Aussie, seeing that there have been 1 or 2 Aussie jokes.
A man was driving through a lion park when he noticed one of the lions furiously licking the backsides of all the other lions. When the man arrived back at the entrance, he mentioned this fact to one of the keepers who replied, "We had an English keeper here, but that lion ate him a couple of days ago, and he's been trying to get the taste out of his mouth ever since".
Sorry, some of my best friends are English....LOL.
I promise I won't mention the cricket.
Peter.
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Here's a Texan / Aussie joke -
A Texan cattleman was visiting an Australian cattle station, and asked the owner how big it was,
"Oh, it's only 300,000 acres", said the Aussie.
"Mine is much bigger than that", said the Texan, "in fact, it's so big, I can get on my horse at the front gate in the morning, and it takes me all day to get to the house."
"Yair," said the Aussie, "I used to have a horse like that, but I shot him."
Then there's the one about the Texas rancher and the Kentucky rancher discussing the size of their properties.
"My spread is 3 million acres," said the Texan, "How big is yours?"
"Mine's only 200 acres," said the man from Kentucky, "But the house covers most of that."
Peter.
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Another parrot joke.....
A travelling salesman knocks on a door. From inside the house comes a voice. "Who is it?"
"It's the Betterwear man."
"Who is it?"
Louder "It's the Betterwear man!"
It is, of course, a parrot, alone in the house. "Who is it?"
Louder still "It's the Betterwear man!!!"
"Who is it?"
The salesman, purple with rage, screams "IT'S THE ****** BETTERWEAR MAN!!!" and drops dead with a massive heart attack.
Shortly afterwards, the owner of the house returns, sees the body on the door step and exclaims "Good grief, who is it?".
To which the parrot replies "It's the Betterwear man."
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Here is one that will test the Australian - New Zealand relations.
........Then there is the one about the Aussie ventriloquist who is backpacking around New Zealand. Its been a hot day and the Aussie finds himself passing a farm where an NZ farmer is finished for the day and sitting on his porch knocking back a few icy cold beers. The Aussie thinks to himself that a cold beer could go down nicely about now so he asks the farmer if he could join him.
"No" was the reply
so the Aussie says "I bet you a can of beer that i can get your dog to talk"
The farmer laughs and agrees.
The Aussie asks the dog how the farmer treats him.
the dog replies "well he works me hard but I don't mind as I get fed and a nice warm place to sleep.......hes OK"
The farmer falls of his chair in amazement and hands the Aussie the beer which he proceeds to gulp down.
He then bets the farmer 2 beers that he can get his horse to talk.
The farmer agrees, and to his amazement the same thing happens.
By now the Aussie has a taste for the cold beverage and looks around for any other animals he can bet the farmer.
The Aussie turns to the farmer and says "what about those sheep"
and before the Aussie can make the bet the farmer gives him the rest of the beer and yells
"What ever they tell you they are a pack of liars"
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Hi David,
I love it, I will add that to my repertoire of Kiwi jokes. It's a good thing most Kiwis have a good sense of humour or there would have been a trans Tasman war long ago - apart from the wars on the football fields that is (all codes), and the cricket - don't mention underarm bowling!!
Here's one you may already know -
Q. How does a Kiwi farmer find his sheep in long grass?
A. Delightful.
And another -
Q. How do you get a Kiwi started in small business?
A. Give him a big one and wait 6 months.
Thankfully, I don't have any Kiwis living near me, or I might have rocks through my windows. Seriously though, they're a great bunch, one of my sisters even married one, and my other sister married a Pom - I can't win!!
Peter.
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stall selling ties. The Taliban asked,
"Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I don't need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK" said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."
Rick
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Questions that haunt me
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Great Doc, I laughed all through that list :laugh: :laugh: ;D ;D
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Here's a variant on the usual Irish joke.
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino in Las Vegas.
She bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said 'I hope ye don't mind , but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude!'
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled
'Come on baby, mamma needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each one of the dealers then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked 'What did she roll?'
The other answered 'I don't know I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb.........but all
Men
are Men!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter.
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saw this in todays newspaper:
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,plink-plink-plink, and there
were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me
what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late....delete now!)
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"You're simply going through the change!
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Tug-kenny
That joke needs a godd cents of humour. ;D ;D
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Aussie Airlines
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots
review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas'
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with
an S)
by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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Richard,
They had a bit of a scare at Qantas the other day, the gent who signs out the aircraft as airworthy and he has signed for several hundred, has never been licensed to do so, he has been sacked and brought up on criminal charges, he must have had some idea though as they have still not lost an aircraft, and just so you know Qantas does not have a 'U' ...... :o :o
Roy
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Richard,
They had a bit of a scare at Qantas the other day, the gent who signs out the aircraft as airworthy and he has signed for several hundred, has never been licensed to do so, he has been sacked and brought up on criminal charges, he must have had some idea though as they have still not lost an aircraft, and just so you know Qantas does not have a 'U' ...... :o :o
Roy
Many years ago, pre-marriage of course, I had a girlfriend who was a stewardess (don't call them 'hostesses', they hate that), with British Airways. She knew all the flying jokes, including an acronym for almost every airline on earth, the old BEA was 'Britain's Excuse for an Airline', BOAC was 'Better On A Camel, and my favourite was Alitalia, 'Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival, but Qantas was also a good one. 'Queers ANd Nymphos Travel Australian Style'. Sorry about that Roy......
Edit, I feel I should point out that 'stewardess' is not a synonym for 'nympho', I wouldn't want any of you to get the wrong impression. It's just that when they're working, they are surrounded by male stewards with big gold chains and big collections of Judy Garland records, and between flights, they can get just a bit desperate for the real thing.
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She knew all the flying jokes, including an acronym for almost every airline on earth, the old BEA was 'Britain's Excuse for an Airline', BOAC was 'Better On A Camel, and my favourite was Alitalia, 'Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival, but Qantas was also a good one. 'Queers ANd Nymphos Travel Australian Style'.
some for
Sabena - Such A Bloddy Experience Never Again
And my all time favourite
Lufthansa - Let Us F*** The Hostess As No Stewardesses Available
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Lake Toho, Florida. May 2007 - Just launched the jet ski's, selected "R" instead of "D."
Regards
Geoff Pyatt
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A friend of mine flew to Tennerife, only to hear this from the pilot at the start of the flight "this is your dan air flight to Tennerife, We will be holding a cruising altitude of 30 thousand feet and will arrive at 13:00 local time as long as knicker elastic holds plane together"
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(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/image001.jpg)
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The Maldives | 15 April marks the day that the first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world opens its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. It will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.
"We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives ", says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. "Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives , so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views - without ever getting their feet wet."
Created by MJ Murphy Ltd, a design consultancy based in New Zealand , Ithaa's distinctive feature is the use of curved transparent acrylic walls and roof, similar to those used in aquarium attractions. "The fact that the entire restaurant except for the floor is made of clear acrylic makes this unique in the world," continues Schieck, "We are currently planting a coral garden on the reef to add to the spectacular views of the rays, sharks and many colourful fish that live around the area.
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I reckon the blonde in the penultimate photo is saying "I'd like that one, grilled, with a portion of fries and a side salad!"
Rick
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Or Steve, next time you go filming can you get me a close up of one of them !!!
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or the one with two rays in -
"I'm sorry sir, humans are off tonight"
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Australian Joke of the year
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge
and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says,'We have siome good news and some bad news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in
a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together
and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
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10/10 ;D
Stavros
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Hi all, I heard this one today.
A fellow who lives on the 17th. floor of a block of flats thinks that his wife is having an affair.
So he leaves the flat as normal to go to work but then sneaks back up the stairs to the 17th. floor and waits a bit.
He then bursts in through the front door and catches his wife alone in bed but with a smile on her face. He looks around the flat quickly, sees no one so he looks out of the window and sees a man looking harassed just leaving. Quick as a flash he grabs the 'fridge and hurls it out of the window and it hits the man.
He dashes down the stairs to see what has happened but it is too much for him and he has a heart attack and dies.
He now finds himself at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him what he is doing there and he relates the story of throwing the fridge at his wife's lover.
St. Peter says OK go in.
The next guy gets to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter also asks him what he is doing there, and he says that he was late for work dashing out of the flats where he lived and he was hit by a 'fridge. OK says St Peter go in.
The next fellow at the P. Gates gets to St. Peter and is again asked what he is doing there and he says "Well I was in this 'fridge".......
Regards to all Roy
-
Roy, you ought to try and read a bit more ;D ;D (like joke 139 on here) :P ( .... form of flattery?)
Still you're not as bad as Dicky - he's repeating his OWN jokes (joke 288 and yesterday's)
It's an age thing :D :D :D :D
Danny ;) ;D
Hate to say but you're right Danny though I really worry about you sometimes :-\ when you start checking back through this lot to see if the jokes been on here before.
Good god man, you're 60, not many years left, live a little. :angel:
-
One from my 3 year old grandson:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank
Tank who?
YOUR WELCOME
-
Sorry - point taken Stavros (I get carried away sometimes)
Consider wrist slapped. :embarrassed:
Danny
Moderated or not Danny that first joke was brilliant, brought me to tears, glad I got a copy. :laugh: :laugh: O0
-
Shhuush Dicky (but thanks)
Have you been letting your dog out on his own -
A local business was looking for office help...
They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
_______________
Danny
-
Dis-order In The Court...
These are from a book called Dis-order in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in m e?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_ ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Did you check for a pulse before you began the autopsy:?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Peter
-
Peter Thats had me in tears.
I always knew the legal proffession was dumb but that takes the biscuit.
Yours Colin H.
-
An old gent is struggling to ride his bike up a hill when a young chap in a Porsche pulls up alongside and offers to give the old gent a tow. The gent is at first reluctant fearing the Porsche diver will go too fast. The young lad tells him not to worry, that he wont get out of second gear and to ring his bell if he thinks they are going too fast.
At first all went well and the Porsche towing the bicycle made steady if sedate progress. Suddenly, a Golf GTI came roaring past horn blaring and disappeared down the road in a cloud of dust. The Porsche driver, forgetting the old chap on the bike took off in pursuit. A mile down the road, parked in a layby, was a police car. On seeing the speeding cars he radioed the police station:
"Sarge, you're not going to believe it, a Golf GTI is racing a Porsche, but get this, old Tom is following on his bike ringing his bell like mad trying to get past!"
-
Nice one O0
For a minute I thought it was the one about the Porsche driver driving steadily along the road. He passes an old bloke on a bike.
Suddenly the old bloke shoots past him on the inside.
Blow this, he thinks! I'm not going to be overtaken by a pushbike, so puts his foot down a bit and once more overtakes the bike.
No sooner is he past but the bike shoots past again!
"Right,if that's how you want to play", he thinks, and increases his speed again to pass the bike, and again the bike shoots past.
This goes on for quite a few miles until the Porsche driver gets fed up and slows to a stop.
The old bloke, gasping for breath stops next to him.
"I admire your stamina but why do you keep overtaking me" asks the driver?
"I'm not overtaking you - my braces got caught on your wing mirror"!
_________
Danny
-
A young lad goes to a used car lot looking for a bargain. The salesman shows him several vehicles but the lad says that they are all too expensive. "Well how much have you got to spend?" asks the salesman.
"£150" says the lad
"Oh, well for that money I can only do you this" says the salesman taking the lad out the back and showing him a old pony trap. "Yours for £100"
"But what would I use to pull it" says the lad.
"Not to worry" say the salesman "a pal of mine works at the experimental farm down the road I'm sure he has something."
So after a quick phone call and £50 the lad is fixed up with a 6ft chicken. Harnessing it to the pony trap he sets off down the road. This is good he thinks to himself, I wonder how fast it will go. Getting onto the dual carriage way he gives the reins a crack and the chicken picks up speed. Soon he is doing a steady 60mph and the chicken is striding comfortably along. I wonder if it will go faster he thinks and give the reins a really hard crack. The chicken takes off at a tremendous pace, passing everything with ease. Unfortunately, the reins, being old, can't stand the strain and the chicken breaks free, leaving the pony trap to career across the road and down an embankment. The police arrive. "What's going on here then?" asks the constable.
"Officer, Officer, my big hens gone"
-
Seeing as one of the best ways to relieve tension is some humour.
Here is an idea for conflict resolution.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMKCLyhBBwI
Great to see the forum back ;D ;D ;D
-
tiger, very nice :)
-
Turn up the volume... :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6tJgdquU_M
-
Can you guess what they are??
man
Q1. ---------
board
stand
Q2. ------------
i
Q3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Q4. r
road
a
d
Q5. cycle cycle
cycle
0
Q6. ---------
M.D.
Ph.D.
knee
Q7. light
ground
Q8. ----------------------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Q9. ecnalg
Q10. death ..... life
Q11. THINK
Q12. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...
Answers later.......... ;)
-
careful jan thats a little getting close to a tad rude lol, scared the pants off the guy as well, and the cameraman was probably laughing his t*ts off
-
Mmmmm,
Man overboard, I understand, but reading between the lines,..............
-
life after death
crossroads
-
5. re-cycle?
-
Is 8..... Six feet underground
Ken
-
is 10 ......... Life after death
Ken
-
Sorry Ghost, I knew I'd seen it somewhere :embarrassed:
Is 9 ......... Backward glance
Ken
-
Is 11,
Think aloud ?
-
Q 5 -
Tricycle ?
-
Martin's going to pop up like Roy Walker --aaaaargh :o :o
In the meantime (as I can't think of 6, 7 or 12) here's another joke -
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
Danny
-
what is no 12? learning the alphabet with a stutter?
-
Fans cheering at an ABBA concert???
and zero over doctors??
I expect they'll be worth waiting for ;D ;D
Danny
-
I think I understand number two :D
Ken
-
5 = Tricycle?
6 = Two Degrees Below Zero?
7= Neon Light?
11 = Think Big?
Wish I could get 12!
Rick = Glad to be back!
-
12 - It CAN'T be "two finger typing" can it :o :o :o :'(
-
man
Q1. --------- = man overboard
board
stand
Q2. ------------ = I understand
i
Q3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ = reading between the lines
Q4. r = cross roads
road
a
d
Q5. cycle cycle cycle = tricycle
0
Q6. --------- = two degrees below zero
M.D.
Ph.D.
Q7. Knee = neon light
light
ground
Q8. ---------------------------- = six feet underground
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Q9. ecnalg = backward glance
Q10. death ..... life = life after death
Q11. THINK = think big ! !
Q12. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb... = long time no 'C'
-
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggg :'( :'( :'(
-
Blonde Coffee Drinker
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
-
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
-
On another thread but hilarious:
http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=5713.40
Edit
Wrong ref - see Dicky's below. Too many tears in the eyes.
-
On another thread but hilarious:
http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=5713.40
Do you mean this one Colin http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=5713.msg57860#msg57860 O0
-
Yes Richard.
-
To commemorate Julie Andrews, 69th birthday she made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie
"Sound Of Music."
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinning',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
-
All the animals are safe on board the Ark and for forty days and forty nights it bobs about on the water. By day forty-one, Mrs Noah has had enough and lays into the old man about the smell. Well,you can imagine it, can't you - elephants, hippos, rhinos, two of everything crapping everywhere. So, Mr and Mrs Noah, the three sons and their wives all get to shovelling until there's this huge steaming mound in the sea.
And there it lay, ignored and unloved, until in 1492, along came this chap Columbus........
-
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they've managed to nick a motorbike already
-
Ten Liverpudlians arrive at the Pearly gates to be met by St Peter. “What are you doing here?”,he asks, “We’ve got no record for you. Just wait here while I check with the boss”.
So off he goes to check with God who tells himto go back and ask them how they died.
Two minutes later he reports back to God, “They’ve gone.”
“Gone?, all the Scousers?”, queries God.
“No, the gates”, replies Peter.
-
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=xQCutD5JwMc (http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=xQCutD5JwMc)
-
Brilliant Martin, but really,"Backs to the drawing board" :police:
Like I said " I'M BACK "
-
Martin,
You did get film of Tug Kennies launch................ ;D ;D ;D
Sorry Ken
Roy
-
Gulp !!
Nuffink to do wiff me, Guv
Very good though, Martin.
Ken
-
Saw this painted on the rear end of a HGV:
DANGER AIR BAG TESTING UNIT
made me smile O0
-
Mystery one
A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer.
Who did it and how did they know?
Mystery two
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.
He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader
wearing a cape.
How did he do this?
Mystery three
Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:
"I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study
light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was
frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside.
That is when I saw his body.
So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.
How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?
....answerers tomorrow! ;)
-
Number Two
Did he shoot his reflection in the mirror?
Colin H
-
Number one: The maid - no mail on sunday
Two: as Colin says - he shot his reflection (lucky not to be hit by flying glass)
Three: something to do with the frosted window - but what?
I'll ring Dixon
Cheers
Doug
-
I thought the frost was on the inside .............. ;)
Ken
-
Think you are right for number one Dougal.
Number three from seeing a body through a window how could Mr Fiend suspect foul play? Maybe.
Colin H.
-
Kenny
You must have a very damp house ;)
Misting would probably be on the inside but frost - think about your car on a winter's morning when it's been parked outside - where's the frost?
I rest my case m'lud
Doug
PS I suppose Martin meant frost and not mist ???
-
Good point, but when we first got married, we didn't have central heating and we could scrape the frost off the bathroom window to look out.
Mind you, there were no murders to watch out for. ;D
Ken
-
Think you are right for number one Dougal.
Number three from seeing a body through a window how could Mr Fiend suspect foul play? Maybe.
Colin H.
Colin
Interesting (no I don't have a German helmet). However, if you saw a body, presumably lying on the floor, would it not be unreasonable to break in (effect an entry) to discover whether help could be provided (foul play or not).
Am I making too muchof this and should I return to making my boat?
What is the meaning of life (and I don't want 42 answers)
Doug
-
Good point, but when we first got married, we didn't have central heating and we could scrape the frost off the bathroom window to look out.
Mind you, there were no murders to watch out for. ;D
Ken
Ken
Also a good point, I had forgotten my bedroom windows in the fifties :embarrassed:, I were but a lad. Perhaps Martin should have provided the details of the house or maybe a time/period clue. Where's Poirot when you need him?
Doug
-
Martin one for you and anybody else for that matter.
An old sheik lays dying in his tent. He calls for his two sons and says, "You cannot both rule the sheikdom and it is too small to split between you, so I have decided that you must race your horses around the camp to decide who will inherit. However, I have also decided that it is the owner of horse that is last back who will be the winner."
The two sons immediately run outside jump on the horses and race off at full speed.
Why?
-
Hi Dougal - jumping on each other's horses?
-
Martins
1. (as said) the maid - no post on Sunday
2. (as said) he shot his reflection
3. it was Summer or Mr Teddy lived somewhere hot (Africa)... or the house was single glazed and Mr Teddy had his heating on full... or the police noticed the frost was on the inside (it's a very old puzzle?)
Dougals
They jumped on each other's horses. (Dang - he got in while I was typing) :'(
Danny
-
crazy waves, crazey people
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0fQ1eWv36o&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X4wcu-bn9U&mode=related&search=
-
Tiger,
That jerk on the surfboard I reckon is living on borrowed time......... ;D ;D
Roy
-
Danny, Malcolm,
Correctomundo. You are just too good. O0
Doug
-
Martin
where are the answers to your mystery questions? I'm sitting here all agog or something ;D ;D
Here's another logic puzzle/riddle for those who like this sort of thing:
In a far off land of enchantment A traveller comes to a fork in the road and does not know which route to take. Sitting by the side of the road are two men, as it is a land of enchantment they know which route he has to take. One man always tells the truth and one always lies. There is no way of telling which is which. The traveller, by common custom, can only ask one question of one of the two men.
To find his correct route who does he ask, what question does he ask and what does he do then?
Answer tomorrow.
This one took me a while to work out.
Cheers
Doug
-
Ask either of them -
"Which direction would the other man tell me to take?"
then take the other direction.
Danny O0
-
Lego Stephen Hawking.
:embarrassed: Removed on request. :embarrassed:
-
It didn't take long........................
St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano,
come on in. squeeze
through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for
you, from the Pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
…….
…….
…….
…………………...
………………………..
………………………….
………………………...
………………….
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU' ;D ;D ;D
-
Danny
You're too good for me!
Martin
Stephen Hawkin - NOT FUNNY!!
Doug
-
10/10 Martin excellent just appeals to my sense of humour
stavros
-
...all done in the "Best Possible Taste!!"
-
Oh yes, the answers...
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.
2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
3 Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy's body.
-
"Doctor, doctor!... I've got fifty-nine seconds to live!"
"Hold on a minute!"
"Doctor, doctor!... I feel like a bar of soap."
"That's life, boy."
"Mom, mom!... what's for dinner?"
"Shaddup, and get back in the oven!"
The Essex student approaches a gorgeous floozy at the uni party.
"Can I walk you home later?"
"No, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"That's okay - I'll follow you on me moped."
What is red and stupid?
A blod clot.
Remember...
when driving, don't forget to take the car.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy 'em too.
-
Sorry about this:
Barret Homes are building a Pavarotti bungalow...........They're calling it the nessun dormer
-
I did not see the offending post.
But this is funny.
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/67-frog_in_a_blender
-
I've heard that Michael Barrymore is set to star in a new BBC series, "Only Pools and Corpses" ...
-
Whats Mrs Pavarotti getting for xmas?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A smaller turkey!
-
it was final exam day at secret agent school and there were three candidates left. The instructor calls the first one forward and says you have one more test to pass before you get the job, take this gun and go shoot your wife ,who is in the next room. I cant do that says the candidate , well im sorry then says the instructor but you have failed you obviously dont have what we are looking for. He then calls out second bloke and tells him the same thing , and recieves the same answer so he also tells the candidate that he has failed because he too hasnt got the right stuff. He then calls out the last candidate and tells him the same thing , The candidate takes the gun and calmly walks in to the room next door. The instructor hears six shots closely followed by all manner of screaming and thumping. The instructor quickly goes into the room to find the room covered in blood and the mans wife laying on the floor dead , What happened here cries the instructor to which yhe man says, some idiot put blanks in the gun so i had to beat her to death with the chair !
-
From my mate Trainspoter....
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/BristolStPhillips130907030.jpg)
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/BristolStPhillips130907022.jpg)
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/BristolStPhillips130907023.jpg)
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Definition of the ultimate domestic catastophe:
It's 6:30pm on Christmas Eve, all the shops are closed and you realise you've run out of dishwasher tabs....
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How not to DIY a rocket boat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQwiZ5P3cKA&mode=related&search=
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Fishing with remote control boat.... and a pedelo!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGvOq2ZyQd8
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
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Hi Martin
hope you can use this cartoon
Cheers
Ted
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OJ Simpson has been arrested in connection with a suspected armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room.
Police are looking for a small brown leather glove.
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Unposted letters to the Editor
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen all of his wife's body. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both?
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic film Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government knows and haven't told the poor sods?
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found him quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Brian :D :D :D
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The Boeing 747 has just cleared into Oceanic airspace bound for New York when an attractive young blonde got up from her seat in economy and walked up into first class and sat down. Immediately a hostess approached her and asked her to return to her seat in economy. The young lady replied "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm blonde and I'm going to New York. I'm not moving."
The hostess fetched the chief steward who politely but firmly asked the young lady to move. She replied "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm blonde and I'm going to New York. I'm not moving."
The steward then went on to the flight deck to discuss the situation with the first officer. The captain overhearing the conversation said, "Leave this to me. I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde."
He went back into first class, spoke to the girl who immediately got up, said sorry and went back to economy.
"What did you say?" asked the steward.
"Oh, I just told her that the first class seats were not going to New York."
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American pilots are now being cross trained for today's aeroplanes.
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*Women's "bottom" size study*
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their "bottom" is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their "bottom" is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good
man, and they would have married him anyway.
For "bottom" read "Ar _se" ( forum word censor! ) ;) Martin
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants
demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless
man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened
in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement
for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they
silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who
was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a
bell."
;D
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and never finished .
So I looked around my house to see things I had started and not finished
and then before leaving the house this morning ,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha remainder of a bot o Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who blody gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
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The perks of being over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along to the piped music in the lift.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember where you read this list!
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This is a true story.
When my wife was in hospital recently there was an old lady in the bed next to her who wasn't quite with it. In the bed opposite the curtains were drawn during the afternoon while the relatives paid their respects to another lady who was taking her passing. Later that night the body was removed and someone else was given the bed in her place. In the morning the lady next to said wife looked across to the newcomer and said 'You do look a lot better this morning than you did yesterday' ::) ;D
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Q; What do you get if you cross the zebra with the dog?
A; To the other side of the road, with the dog.
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Martin
You didn't look that old , :-\ But come to think of it :angel:
Peter
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWhNEarULag
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What you need when you have a slight mishap with your chosen hobby... is an understanding and supportive - and cheerful wife!
R/c plane crash - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhUFqzCIkSE)
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Gentlemen,
found this one today:
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Hamid only brings in $5-10 a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'
People who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money.
You still won't have a job and will have a large family on welfare.
Now look at my sign.
So Hamid looks and Ahmed 's sign and reads:
'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan'.
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The Three Blind Mice, having passed away, arrive at the Pearly Gates where they are warmly welcomed. The Reception Angel describes how they can settle in and provides roller skates to help overcome their disability. After the first week the Angel asks the mice how they are getting on, "Fine," say the mice, "The roller skates are a great help". Shortly after a big tabby cat arrives at the Pearly Gates and is welcomed and admitted. All the available facilities are explained to the cat and off he goes. A week later the cat returns to the Reception Desk and says, "Well it is wonderful here, I am enjoying all the facilities you described but you never mentioned there are even Meals on Wheels"!
Roger in France.
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THE FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she
walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , 'IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE
SORRY.'
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD
LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS?
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ONNN
COME ONNNN
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
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Seen on another Forum - Hampshire's Finest!
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/10/22/hampshire_police_ad/
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German sense of humour!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdjt6Bl5qdY
Nige
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I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
But those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
So lets just be careful out there eh.
:police:
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Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & and felt really guilty
No matter how much he tried ,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say,
"Dave don't worry about it , you ain't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients & you wont be the last,and your single just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering ,
"Dave your a VET"
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NFL Star: Londoners Speak English?
Yes its true,
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1290248,00.html
Peter
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NFL Star: Londoners Speak English?
Yes its true,
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1290248,00.html
Peter
I wonder if he's related to the air hostess who opening the door of the UK airline DC10 said to me "Where are we?"
I told her the name of the UK airfield, they had only come from Gatwick, "Yes I know that" she said "but where is it?"
She was only 89 miles form London!
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Batman and superman were arguing...Batman says to superman, .you have got to be the most unreliable superhero i have ever known..What do you mean says superman ? Well says batman when we arrange to meet somewhere you are allways late..No i'm not says superman..Okay says batman i'll prove it, meet me on the top of the empire state building at nine o'clock, okay says superman your on..Nine o'clock comes and there is no sign of superman,,at half past nine in flies superman..See i told you allways late..Well says superman i did have a good reason, well come on then says batman what is it.. Well i was flying in across central park , when i looked down and there was wonder woman,stark naked and flat on her back, so i thought i've just got to haven't i ?.Well did you says batman, sure did says superman..Was she suprised says batman..certainly was says superman , but not half as surprised as the invisible man was !!!!
regards all....bob.
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Workshop Tools Anyone with a shed will relate to these....
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to scream, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. 100x50 hardwood joist : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing
dog faeces from your boots.
14. BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on one end.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also
be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 20 years ago by someone
at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too small or larger.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object you are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not holding the knife…
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Martin
This is absolutely classic, I had to read it a couple of times because the tears of laughter obscured my vision.
Brian
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Changed the undewear, {-) read it again. {-) The seat will probably dry out.
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reading this at work so I have now locked ALL the vessels tools away (I am the safety officer as well as the engineer) and I dont want to hurt myself though my side's are splitting
Nice one
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On holiday in Paris with the then girlfriend many moons ago, I came across this soft drink, and just had to bring the cup home as proof! You can guess how it's pronounced and there were posters up saying "Buvez Pschitt!", "Drink *!@?", basically! {-)
Only in France!
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Top this for a speeding ticket
>
>
> Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an
> unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great
> North Road.
>
> One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to
> check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
> surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then
> stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
>
> The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the
> North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border
> district.
>
> Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint
> to the RAF Liaison office.
>
> Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.
>
> "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
> incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
> Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and
> sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-Ground
> missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target.
> Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile
> status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection
> system before the missile was launched".
Gentlemen, true or not.... I leave it to your phantasy. :D
Jörg
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Pity the pilot had not received a speeding ticket lately. What a revenge that would be, blues & twos don't outrun a Sidewinder.
Colin H.
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On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor "illigitimate".
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started... {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Hickory dickory dock,
three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
but the others escaped with just minor cuts and abrasions.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four £5 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
"Paint my house."
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An old Yorkshireman's wife of 50 years died, so he went to make arrangements for the funeral. He went to the undertakers and the churchand finally ended up at the monumental mason. "Reet, lad" he says,"Appen thee can do a nice stone fer t'wife". The mason agrees, and suggests that he include a bit of religious text. The old boy thinks for a minute and say "Aye, she were always a bit religious. How about "Lord, she was thine" - and I want it done be Thursday - funerals on t'Friday!". The mason agrees and the oldman goes off happy.
Thursday morning he's back to inspect the headstone. The mason proudly displays it. All her details, beautifully carved and finished off with the text LORD SHE WAS THIN. The old boy is furious. "Thass left off the E" he shouts. "Funeral's tomorrow. What are you going to do?"
"Don't worry," says the mason "I'll get one of my lads to put right and it'll be at the church tomorrow."
"The day of the funeral arrives and in due course the mourners gather round the grave with downcast eyes. As the old lady is lowered to her final resting place, her husband glances at the headstone. The mason had done his job. Emblazoned across the monument was the elaborately carved text......"EEEH LORD, SHE WAS THIN"
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The owld farmer goes down to the field early one frosty morning ,and to his shock he finds all his cows in the field frozen solid .
Sobbing at the road side :'(an old lady passing by stops to ask what the problem is.
"Its me cows theyre all frozen ,i be done for now ,ruined " there there" says the old woman let me take a look .
And off into the field she goes ,walking around each and every cow .
A short time later she comes out of the field and say's to the farmer "all done now i'll be off".
The farmer looks into the field and all the cows are ok and doing what cows do, the farmer jumps about excited {-).
A passing rambler ask's "what are you so excited about , the farmer explain's about the cows and the mystery woman and what she done .
Oh you know who that was dont you ,THORA HIRD :angel:.
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An old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when the old chap turned to his wife and asked her if she had ever been unfaithfull to him. She thought for a while and said ,"Yes darling, twice". He was a bit taken aback by this, and asked her when it had happened. "Well," she said, " Do you remember when the business was failing and the Bank would not give us a loan?, and all of a sudden the Manager changed his mind, that was the first time". He said he remembered and forgave her as it was in their interests. And the second he asked? " Do you remember when business was booming and you fancied being the chairman of the golf club"? Yes, yes he said. "And do you remember needing 27 votes to swing it"? she smiled sweetly........ :P :P :P
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An old Yorkshireman's wife of 50 years died.....
Yorkshire dialect jokes eh RickF? I've got a few, I thought they'd be a bit lost on most of you lot, but try this one.
An old Yorkshire farmer dies, and after the funeral, the faithful farmhand who has worked there for forty years is discussing future running of the farm with the farmer's widow.
They run through all the usual things, stock management, crop rotation, feedstuff supplies and other stuff, and then the farmhand looks at the widow and asks, "I can see that ah'm goin to have to take over most of the work that Mester used to do, but what are we going to do for sex?"
The farmer's widow is shocked. "Let me tell you this my man, we'll be having none of that nonsense. If you think that I'm going to dress up in a French maid's outfit and spank you, get down on my knees so you can do it doggy fashion, spend afternoons with you up in the hayloft, or take out my false teeth so I can give you xxxxxxx , then you're going to have to think on, there's going to be nothing like that between us, even if you are a fine figure of a man with good firm buttocks for a man of your age." Faithful farmhand thinks for a moment. "Nay Missus, we'll leave all that kind of thing to they southern folk, what I want from you is sex, a load of good sex to put corn in after t'harvest."
(Sacks, pronounced 'Sex' north of Ripon). Maybe you need to have been born in God's own County to get that one....
Do I sense moderation approaching Martin?
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A woman is searching the house for an item she has lost. when she opens her husbands sock drawer, she discovers a large wad of twenty pound notes and two chucky eggs in an egg box. When the husband comes home she confronts him with the evidence and demands an answer....Well says the husband , blushing slightly, every time i was unfaithful to you i put an egg in the drawer. The wife thinks for a while and then says , thats not too bad twice in twenty five years , but then asks him what the large wad of twenty pound notes was. Oh says the husband every time i got a dozen eggs , i sold them and put the money in the drawer...
{-) {-) {-)
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When it's ok to say $%#@!
(http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/When_its_ok_to_say___-5739a-.jpg)
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When it's ok to say $%#@!
(http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/When_its_ok_to_say___-5739c-.jpg)
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A good mate sent this to me
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying !@%! YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
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Could this be Friendly fire.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7091904.stm
Peter
-
I think that sums up the mentality of the said persons (and we are made to think that they are the "super power")? ??? ???
-
Only in America {-) {-)
Peter.
-
Home of the brave
Land of the free
Armed to the teeth
-
And shooting at me.....
-
;D DOH.... :D
-
This is an old one but goes with my last post, sorry to the people who have seen it.
Peter
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE
-
Always worth seeing again. The sad part about it is you could probably make just as amusing a film on the streets of any UK town.
Rick
-
http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf (http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf)
-
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE
British are also NOT stupid... ;)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=w_mkwB9ayK4&feature=related
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The talk of the town was that aneighty year old man had married a twenty year old girl. It reallygot interesting when the girl gave birth.....thats amazing said the nurse , how do you do it at your age ? well said the old guy , you have to keep to keep the old motor running.............A year later the girl goes into hospital to give birth again , the nurse says to the old boy , again , how do you do it at your age , to which he replies again...well you have to keep the old motor running............
T he following year the girl goes into the hospital to give birth again , and again when the nurse asks the old boy how he did it , the answer is the same............you have to keep the old motor running ......Well says the nurse , i think you had better change the oil , cause this one is black ! {-) {-) {-) :D
-
This is not funny but gives an insight to how blinkered some Americans are. Any Americans reading this, I did not make this up this actually happened.
During the first Gulf War SWMBO and I were in Las Vegas on holiday, we hailed a taxi to go from one end of the strip to the other. When we were in the cab the driver asked "Where you folks from?" our reply was from England. At which point he went on to praise us and our country for helping the USA in Iraq while we get rid of the commies ??? ??? ??? ???.
He also said he had a friend out there. He then went on to say English speaking countries should stick together and that you could not trust the other Europeans countries like France and Germany they just did not understand the problems of the world, perhaps we should go bomb them again, we have not done that for a couple of years. At this point SWMBO and I are looking at each other and wondering how much further we had to go.
When you consider how few Americans have a passport and how few actually leave their state during their lifetime their blinkered views does not surprise me
Brian
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...Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in his own pew". Not sure where I heard that, if it was here, oh well.
- 'Doc
-
Surely daftness is universal and one thing the world has in common.
I had hoped the article would have at least enlightened us on whether or not the lug nut was loosened. If it had, he could have claimed "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" but with some collateral damage. :)
-
This is on EBAY AT THE MOMENT.
I don't know how long before it's pulled, so I've copied it if you want me to put it up.
Two CD-R's - Have data on them - some sort of database Item number: 90184203092
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Two-CD-Rs-Have-data-on-them-some-sort-of-database_W0QQitemZ290184203092QQihZ019QQcategoryZ88433QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
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Religion form a 'younger' point of view...
----------
In the beginning which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in, though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off except for Methuselah who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah who was a good guy but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Lord is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?!' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Lord had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Lord also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Lord was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Lord on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Lord. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway, Lord died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.
--------
- 'Doc
-
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from NorthwesternUniversity. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-
There was this gorrilla , wwalking through the jungle , minding his own busines when he came across a small clearing , looking around he spots a water hole and starts to make his way down to the water . All of a sudden he stops dead in his tracks because there in front of him there is a very large lion with his head in the water drinking , this of course means the lions butt is sticking up in the air . Now the gorilla seeing this thinks to himself , i haven't had any for a while and well you know any port in a storm , so to speak. He then creeps up behind the lion and grabs hold of the tail and yanks the back legs of the ground , and then proceeds to give the lion a good seeing to .
Now comes the tricky part , how do i let go without him tearing me to bits ? With this he gives the lion a kick , sending it into the water . With this he now legs it out of the clearing and back into the jungle , with the lion in hot persuit.
Starting to tire the gorrilla comes upon another clearing that contains a missionary sitting in a deck chair wearing safari suit and pith helmet , reading the times newspaper. Upon seeing the gorilla the missionary screams and drops everything and legs it .
The gorrilla sses his chance and puts on the pith helmet , sits in the deckchair , picks up the newspaper and starts to read it.
the lion bursts into the clearing and sees the gorilla and says .......'have you seen a gorrilla come this way ?
To which the gorrilla replies ' do you mean the one that shagged the lion down at the water hole ?
The lion then says """oh no its not in the papers already is it !!!!! {-) {-) :D
-
Subject: Poof
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
*poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel", he says,
"George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof
*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! The
light goes off?"
"OH MY GOD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pi**** in the fridge again!!!!".
-
"OH MY GOD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pi**** in the fridge again!!!!".
{-) {-) {-) O0
-
A woman goes to the pet shop every week and buys 48 tins of dog food. After a while the shop owner gets curious, as he has never seen her dog.
"You must have a big dog," he says.
"Oh no," she replies, "I haven't got a dog, this is for my husband - it's all he will eat."
"Good God - you feed your husband on dog food? You'll kill him!"
"No - he loves it."
This goes on for several months, then suddenly the women stops coming to the shop. A few weeks later, the shop owner meets her in the street.
"I see you've stopped buying your husband dog food," he says.
"Yes," she replies, "He died."
"I told you it would kill him!" exclaims the pet shop man.
"Oh, it wasn't the food," replies the woman. " He broke his neck trying to lick his b*lls!"
-
Odd but amusing fishing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKG5q-tC_ho&feature=related
Well it made me smile, but hey! I'm odd like that.
-
Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper
!
1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As
digging continues into the night!
-
Another great fishing video clip.... Fishing with Bill Dance (http://s136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/?action=view¤t=FishingwithBillDance.flv)
-
Another great fishing video clip....
Great {-)
-
An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant.
The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know,
This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event.
One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun.
He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead.
The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver
-
Mozart - Skates, Ski Sticks, and BEER BOTTLES
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ACbx1ZGPhGo (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ACbx1ZGPhGo)
-
I bet that took some serious drinking to get set up hic
-
heres a festive one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBfdZHksr9Q
-
Two Royal Marines chatting.
A: I went with this girl when I was on leave, and she gave me hermes.
B: Don't you mean herpes?
A: No she's a carrier.
-
Two girls chatting....
A. I was out with some Marines last night and I was graped.
B. Don't you mean raped?
A. No, there was a bunch of the 3uggers!
-
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose with your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could
I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens.
-
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no-one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
-
The knock-on effect from the Northern Rock Bank is being severely felt
> in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.
>
> In the last 7 days:
>
> Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank
> has announced plans to cutback some of its branches.
>
> Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more
> than likely will go for a song.
>
> Today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived
> and 500 back-office staff at the Karate Bank also got the chop.
>
> Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi bank
> and staff fear they may get a raw deal.
-
The knock-on effect from the Northern Rock Bank is being severely felt
> in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.
>
> In the last 7 days:
>
> Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank
> has announced plans to cutback some of its branches.
>
> Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more
> than likely will go for a song.
>
> Today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived
> and 500 back-office staff at the Karate Bank also got the chop.
>
> Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi bank
> and staff fear they may get a raw deal.
I love it. It reminds me of the Two Ronnies.
-
Middlesborough Nativity.
(http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/MiddlesboroughNativitySmall.jpg)
-
Okay here is another one: Ireland has just suffered its worst ever air disaster. A cessna has crashed into a cemetary.
So far they have found 181 bodies and expect the body count to rise..
-
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor 'word not allowed'.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
-
Richard, did you work for the BBC? See page 23.
Rick
PS I still think its funny - reminds me of Snow White's favourite drink - 7 UP!
-
Senility seems to have set in whatsyername beg your pardon :embarrassed:
-
Sorry Gary, Teddy bear jokes are off the menu just at the moment. Colin
-
A friend of mine was in the doctors surgery waiting to have his flu jab.
He said the walls were paper thin and he could hear every word in the doctors office and he swears this is what he heard.....
Doctor: There is nothing else for it, you are going to have to stop m@st*rb'ting!
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I am trying to examine you!!!
Clegg
ORL
-
Have we had this one? I'm getting as bad as Dicky :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
FROM THE MALE SIDE
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.
#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
#1. Sunday = boats. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think that way.
#1. Crying is blackmail.
#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!
#1. We only remember regatta dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
#1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
#1. If you won't dress like the Hollyoakes girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
#1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.
#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends.
#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Aubergine is a vegetable. We have no idea what Mauve is.
#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!
#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
#1. FORMULA 1 is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Danny
-
Damm !!!! i knew there was a rule book somewhere O0 O0
-
An Essex boy and girl are playing hide and seek, the girl sends the boy a text, it reads if you can find me you can take all my clothes of and have your evil way with me, if you can't
I'M IN THE SHED!!!!
-
Two dwarfs pick up two girls and take them back to their hotel dwarf no 1 can't get it up because he has had too much booze.
To make it worse he can hear dwarf no 2 through the wall all night long shouting here I come again 1 2 3 uuh.
Next morning dwarf no 2 asks no 1 how he got on, dwarf no 1 tells him the sad story. No 2 then tells no 1
I COULDENT GET ON THE BLOODY BED!!!!
-
Survival tip for Christmas {-)
-
Danny can I have permission to print of your rule book. I thought I might put it in a frame and hang over SWMBO's side of the bed.
Colin H.
-
Danny can I have permission to print of your rule book. I thought I might put it in a frame and hang over SWMBO's side of the bed.
Colin H.
WOW !! one very brave man there!
R,
-
The author (whoever it was - I nick all my best jokes) takes no responsibility whatsoever for any injuries sustained by even quoting ONE of the "rules" to anyone of the female pursuasion - let alone printing and displaying same!
You have been warned!
Danny
-
Colin,
In the words of Forrest Gump "Stoopid is as stoopid does" - good luck mate!
-
Does anyone know where Colin H lives he must have some serious life insurance, print it out I would not even read it if SWMBO is in the same room ;D ;D ;D
Brian
-
It's now nearly 6 hours since Colin came up with his 'idea'!
As he's not been back, we should only assume the worst.
We'd better get a collection and some flowers organised :o :o
Poor Colin - he rushed in where Mayhemers fear to tread!
-
I e-mailed it to SWIMBO at work. When I find out, I will send you the hospital visiting times Danny.
Dont send grapes or the like as I will have a job picking them up with the broken fingers.
The nurse is typing this for me.
-
I've just seen a photo - apparently Colin's wife has just moved to Panama :o {-)
-
Hi Chaps typing this whilst I can.
Have just printed out the rules called SWMBO into the room and handed them to her.
I await my fate. :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Hey she's laughing {-) {-) {-)
She say's I already operate most of the rules anyway Particularly the speak only during commercials.
I am still alive.
But boy is she unhappy >>:-( >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(
Yours Colin H
-
Best thing after a good night out -
Thanks to LMG Racing (who don't know I've nicked the picture) - taken at the WC Eliminators 2007.
-
Women's Institute National Conference
The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham, stood up and said:
“During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb” (the crowd cheered).
The second speaker from York stood up and said:
“After last year's conference I went home and told my husband David that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well” (the crowd again cheered).
The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said
“Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad Geordie of mine, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his fride foud and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell” (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued.....”Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye”.
-
i like it dicky,,, im still laffin at it {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) O0
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okay dicky.....you win !!! {-) {-)
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WHY MEN AR'NT . AGONY AUNTS.
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off to drive to work leaving my husband in the house as usual. I hadn't gone more that a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a stop. I decided to walk back home to get my husbands help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes, he was in the bedroom with a lady neighbour making mad passionate love to her.
When I confronted him he came up with some stupid story about having found her unconscious and that he had carried her into the house, lain her on the bed and commenced CPR. When she came round she grabbed him and started to kiss him by way of thanks and he was just fighting her off when I came in.
I then asked why they were both naked and he confessed that they were having an affair. I told him it must stop immediately or I would leave him and he agreed. He has now become very distant, I love him so much but can't seem to get through to him.
Please Help yours Susie.
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a number of faults. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line, then check the clips holding the vacuum lines on to inlet manifold for air leaks. If this fails to cure the problem it may be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.
I hope this helps.
TED.
Colin H.
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A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and
was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every
respect - except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language.
The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral
work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too
much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it
wouldn't look like murder.
The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an
accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of
the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very
moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
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The local vicar was asked by the Mothers' Union to give a sex education talk. He was a bit shy about telling his wife so he told her he was giving a talk on sailing.
A week after the talk his wife met two members of the Mothers' Union who congratulated her on her husband's talk. "Oh. that's a surprise" she said, "He's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off."
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Last night there was a local charity panto in support of Paranoid Schizophrenics.
The hall was reduced to chaos when some one shouted -
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"He's behind you!"
{-) {-) {-)
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Last saturday night i did a disco for the premature ejaculation society . there was no one there they had all come on the friday :D :D {-) {-)
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:police: OK, ok.... Easy guys...... getting a bit near the knuckle here! :police:
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LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't
Mean they don't love you with all they have...
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
Were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
The deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
Immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
Considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
And bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
Able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
Of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
Mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
The bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
Sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
Can I go home?"
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Two little boys were heard talking after they had been to church. One said to the other,
"Why do we always say A-Men? Why not A-Women?"
The other thought for a while and then replied,
" Because we sing Hymns, and not Hers!"
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DARWIN AWARDS 2007
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when The Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious Winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber, James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked !
And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a near by bus
stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an on coming train. When asked how he received the
wounds he said he was trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and g ives you money, is a crime
committed)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them
a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID ... to which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, share it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age . {-)
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Add the 30`s to that! Pete M
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A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care
what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "Yeh, but then what did he say about your 55-year old
Bum?"
She replied, "Oh, he never mentioned you at all!" ::)
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Hi all
Try catching your Christmas dinner :) :)
Try this link:
http://turkey-fling.freeonlinegames.com/
John
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Excellent game. Just right for Xmas !!
My score so far 24934
Ken
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30504 is my highest score. Thanks John, another way of wasting endless hours. Still relieves the boredom.
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44659 O0
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48992 O0 O0
and thats only the number of seconds wasted :o {-)
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,
in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Two Southerners- Businessmen in London- were sitting down for a break in their,soon to be , new store.
As yet the store was'nt ready,with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by,put his face to the
window and ask what we are selling." ???
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when , sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window,
had a peek,and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin ere then ?
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar?e holes. " >:(
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said--
Tha's doing well.....Only two left ! {-) {-)
Southerners God Bless 'em , they should not mess with Yorkshiremen !
Merry Xmas EVERYBODY
Dave
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1. What do you call 3 chavs in a filing cabinet ?
SORTED
2. You're in your car and see a chav on a bike, why should you not try to hit him?
IT COULD BE YOUR BIKE
3. What's the first question at a chav quiz night?
WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?
4. What do you call a chav in a suit?
THE DEFENDENT
5. What do you call a chavette in a white tracksuit?
THE BRIDE
6. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
SAFE
7. Two chavs in a van without any music. Who's driving?
THE POLICE
8. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A NOVA CAN SEAT 4
9. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
GRANNY
10. Why did the chav cross the road?
TO START A FIGHT WITH A RANDOM STRANGER FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
AND.....................
11. What do you do if a chav throws a pin at you?
RUN AWAY FAST....SHE'S STILL HOLDING THE GRENADE!
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You missed one!
What do you call a chav in a box?
INNIT
Andy ;D
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Mayhem's Christmas Party dance - ah can you spot anyone you know??? :angel: :) aye aye there Dicky :D {-) Turn your sound up and enjoy.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=JScprD23rzA
aye
john e
bluebird
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Yer cheeky b*gger John bluebird I aint a paddy. >>:-( >>:-(
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a little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "THATS KUNG FU FROM JAPAN" a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "THATS KARATE FROM KOREA" a short time later the man comes back in and smacks the thug, knocking him out cold and says to the barman, " WHEN THAT Person WAKES UP" tell him that was a shovel from "B & Q {-) {-)
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Very good Brian {-) :'( {-) :'(
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An architect, an artist and a model boater were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Model boater: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lake and get some sailing done."
Danny {-)
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So where does the engineer come into it Danny or is this the senility setting in ?
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Dang - I thought I'd edited all the engineering references out as I wanted it to be more "suitable"
The swaps were
'model' boater for 'engineer'
'lake' for 'office'
'sailing' for 'work'
Ok - now re-read it and it's now even worse.
You've ruined it all :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
NO - I DON'T GET PMT >>:-( >>:-(
:kiss:
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>:( OK, ok...... Too near the knuckle now lads! >>:-(
NO adult type jokes on here please.
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An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.
“No problem sir,” says the girl behind the desk. “That’ll be a pound per word.” Nodding slowly, the old man writes “Doris Is Dead” on a piece of paper. “Is that all you want to put?” asks the girl.
“I only have three pounds, my dear,” says the pensioner, starting to leave. The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. “Good news,” she says. “The editor says you can have another three pounds-worth of words.”
Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for a moment. Shakily, he writes: “Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale.”
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Same as above, some of you are surprising me, you have grandchildren
Bob
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Same as above, some of you are surprising me, you have grandchildren
Bob
You've got to be joking(http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/doggy1qu.gif)Bob I got that off one of my grandchildren. >>:-( >>:-(
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If you ever get pulled over for speeding!
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying "illigitimate" told you I was speeding, as well.
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okay, there were all the members of Tynemouth Club having a night out in Newcastle City at the local working mens' club and on the show the star turn was a Ventriloquist and his famous Dummy and he was cracking jokes and he cracked one or two about the Tynemouth Club. So....one of the members of the club stands up and says to the ventriloquist 'Anymore wise cracks or snied remarks about our club and I will come on that stage and I will thump you so I will' so...the ventriloquist apologises and says 'Sorry mate, I thought you lot could take a joke' so....as the act goes on one or two more jokes come in about the Tynemouth Club so the Chairman of Tynemouth Club stands up and in a broad Scots' accent he says 'Ive warned you once already, and one more time, I will, I will give you the biggest bashing you have ever had'. The ventriloquist says 'I really am very very sorry - wont do it again' and at that the Chairman turns around and says 'I wasnt talking to you I was talking to the little guy on your knee'. {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D {-) {-) {-) {-) O0
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Christmas cracker jokes .........
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost.
Son: Dad, there's a man collecting for a new swimming pool.
Dad: Well, give him a glass of water.
Customer: Waiter! Waiter! What's wrong with this fish?
Waiter: Long time, no sea.
Why is it difficult to keep a secret at the North Pole?
Because your teeth chatter.
How do cows subtract?
With a cow-culator.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her pupils were too bright.
What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.
Why can you never play jokes on snakes?
You can never pull their legs.
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.
What school subject are snakes best at?
Hiss-tory.
What did they call the crazy golfer?
A crack putt.
How do you cook sausages in the jungle?
Under a gorilla.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.
What kind of jokes does a chiropodist like?
Corny jokes.
What did the dentist say when his wife baked an apple pie?
Can I do the filling?
What sort of vegetables do plumbers fix?
Leeks.
What do you call a multi-storey pig pen?
A styscaper.
What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit.
What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.
What is wet and slippery and likes Latin American music?
A conga eel.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do you think he saw us?
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
Tarzipan.
What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
His hoe-hoe-hoe.
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they knead the dough.
What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's Digest.
What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you get if you cross an orange with with a comedian?
Peels of laughter.
What sort of fish performs operations?
A sturgeon.
What would you get if all the cars in the USA were red ?
A red-car nation.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat ?
Centipede with sore feet.
What is green and stands in the corner ?
A naughty frog.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When it's going cheep.
Customer: "This steak is terrible. I want the manager."
Waiter: "Sorry sir, he isn't on the menu."
What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?
Stinkerbell.
What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid.
What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.
Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies.
Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tired.
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl.
Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.
What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.
Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible.
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why do birds fly south in winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope on to the pitch?
He was the skipper.
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-Niles.
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights.
How do you hire a horse?
Stand it on four bricks.
What do ghosts eat?
Spookgetti.
What do hedgehogs eat?
Prickled onions.
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of nickers.
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I think its time you had a lie down in a darkened room for a few weeks after THAT lot Martin.
So how do I moderate your post, in red?
Ho Ho Ho
Bob
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Purple Bob, I reckon he's saved up the mottos from every cracker he's pulled in the last ten years!
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Obviously a fan of both Tommy Cooper and Eric Moracambe
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I think he needs to go out more, no more darkened rooms for him ;D
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JCB drivers, never annoy them!
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Then theres the one about the three school boys talking in the playground. one Protestant., one Catholic and one Jewish. The conversation turns to what they do Christmas morning.
The Protestant boy says "We get up as soon as its daylight grab our parents and start opening all the toys that we have been given and after have some breakfast go out and show what toys we got and play with the kids in the neighbourhood" "then we go to church and praise the lord and say what a good friend we have in Lord"
Then the Catholic boy says "We get up in the morning, unwrap all the toys , have breakfast but before we go out and play with our toys with the kids from the neighbourhood we go to mass and praise the lord and say Wat a good friend we have in Lord.
Then the Jewish boy says "We have a bit of a sleep in, have some breakfast, and then we all climb into daddies brand new Mercedes and drive to his toy factory and he opens the big door and we look at all the empty shelves where all the toys were and Daddy says "Praise the lord and what a good friend we have in Lord"
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Hi Bigfella
I have just sent this to my Jewish friend.
I think he will laugh a lot.
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Achmed the Dead Terrorist - Part 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAhttcZMMsQ)
Achmed the Dead Terrorist - Part 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnkIVUMT3es)
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Hello,
AT LAST!!, a really funny American!!!.
John, {-) {-) {-)
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Hi Bigfella
I have just sent this to my Jewish friend.
I think he will laugh a lot.
I can not lay claim to it, I remember seeing it a long time ago on the Dave Allen show. It is one of those jokes that you remember all your life. Very funny man.
Regards David
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Then theres the one about the three school boys talking in the playground. one Protestant., one Catholic and one Jewish. The conversation turns to what they do Christmas morning.
The Protestant boy says "We get up as soon as its daylight grab our parents and start opening all the toys that we have been given and after have some breakfast go out and show what toys we got and play with the kids in the neighbourhood" "then we go to church and praise the lord and say what a good friend we have in Lord"
Then the Catholic boy says "We get up in the morning, unwrap all the toys , have breakfast but before we go out and play with our toys with the kids from the neighbourhood we go to mass and praise the lord and say Wat a good friend we have in Lord.
Then the Jewish boy says "We have a bit of a sleep in, have some breakfast, and then we all climb into daddies brand new Mercedes and drive to his toy factory and he opens the big door and we look at all the empty shelves where all the toys were and Daddy says "Praise the lord and what a good friend we have in Lord"
Do the Protestant parents enjoy being grabbed, or is this just a family thing?
-
Then theres the one about the three school boys talking in the playground. one Protestant., one Catholic and one Jewish. The conversation turns to what they do Christmas morning.
The Protestant boy says "We get up as soon as its daylight grab our parents and start opening all the toys that we have been given and after have some breakfast go out and show what toys we got and play with the kids in the neighbourhood" "then we go to church and praise the lord and say what a good friend we have in Lord"
Then the Catholic boy says "We get up in the morning, unwrap all the toys , have breakfast but before we go out and play with our toys with the kids from the neighbourhood we go to mass and praise the lord and say Wat a good friend we have in Lord.
Then the Jewish boy says "We have a bit of a sleep in, have some breakfast, and then we all climb into daddies brand new Mercedes and drive to his toy factory and he opens the big door and we look at all the empty shelves where all the toys were and Daddy says "Praise the lord and what a good friend we have in Lord"
Do the Protestant parents enjoy being grabbed, or is this just a family thing?
??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::)
-
IN THE NAVY.
Details have been released regarding Britain's next generation of
fighting ships: the Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge
capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of
the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology,
weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very
latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights
legislation.
They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively
bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's
nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been
replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt
and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship
will have it's own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance
with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality
and disability Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per
week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!
All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come
equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck
as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional
reputation for "Rum, S*domy and the lash"; out goes the occasional
rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although s*domy
remains this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only by request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours,
except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, it is to
be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".
All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and
Braille.
Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow
beards or moustaches, even the women.
The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the
controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the
white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
Sea Trials are expected to take place soon, when the first of the
new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission it will
be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to
ports on the south coast.
The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by
Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol
bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the
tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal
Marines.
-
Barry, Barry,
Very funny had the giggles. Then came the realisation some idiot from the MOD might just read this and put it into practice. :-\ :-\ :-\
It is therefore with great regret that I must ask one of our esteemed moderators to remove your post forthwith in order to preserve what little is left of our once great navy.
Yours Colin H. {-) {-) {-)
-
Colin.
Oh my gawd, I never thought of that. You are so right......Damnation.. Come on Moderators do your duty...
With humble apologies for my stupidity.........
Barry
Still giggling thouigh.
-
It is therefore with great regret that I must ask one of our esteemed moderators to remove your post forthwith in order to preserve what little is left of our once great navy.
Sorry, on Mayhem we have a responsibility to allow the truth to be told.....
-
It is therefore with great regret that I must ask one of our esteemed moderators to remove your post forthwith in order to preserve what little is left of our once great navy.
Sorry, on Mayhem we have a responsibility to allow the truth to be told.....
Which bit...? 'esteemed moderators'?? ::)
-
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the lounge and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
-
Ooooh, that's so close to me too..... :(
-
Two drug addicts injected curry powder by mistake, both collapsed and were taken to hospital.
The hospital later issued a bulletin which said one had a dicky tikka and the other was in a korma.
Happy daze
Clegg
-
A cracker Cleg....Its the way you tell em!!
Barry
-
Here is one that I heard while listening to the cricket on ABC radio today.
A blind Japanese man is at a Stevie Wonder Concert, about three rows from the front.
After every song the the man shouts out "Jazz chords"
Stevie is trying to think what he means.
After about 10 or twelve songs. he says to the audience here you go Jazz Chords, and plays for about ten minutes the best Jazz piano ever.
Still the Man shouts out Jazz Chords.
Stevie then says I don't know what song you want, But if you start singing it I will try and play along.
So the Japanese man starts to sing "Jazz chords to slay I ruv you"
-
I like that one - will be distributed to all my music students ASAP! {-)
-
A little boy wanted 100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the 100.00.
When The postal authorities received the letter to God, Britain, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
He was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 5.00 note.
The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the fiver and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through The Houses of Parliament, and those axxxxxx deducted 95.00 in taxes.
-
This joke is so bad I just new it was right for here.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
>
> When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
>
> 'You Sign! You sign!'
>
> Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>
> Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
>
> 'You Sign! You sign!'
>
> Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong
>>man', and shuts the door.
>
> The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
>
> When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
>
> He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
>
> 'You sign! You sign!'
>
> Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
>
> 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
>
> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
>
> On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
>
> 'You sign! You sign!'
>
> Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
>
> This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by neck
>
> 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
>
> Who do you want to give these to?'
>
> The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (It's a beauty)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
-
well done dicky thats a corker {-) {-) {-) O0
-
It's the delivery that does it
{-) {-) {-) {-)
-
It's the way I tell them O0
Did you check OMRA dates?
-
One of the things I love about Mayhem is that you can have a whole thread talking "Bulwarks" and everybody knows exactly what you mean. ;D
-
You what ????? :-\ :-\
-
Bulwarks......bulwarks.......Oh yes those things that have been dominating my life for a few days.
The wife still thinks it's a load of b+++++ks though
Barry
-
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog
was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there
is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it levelled out, the agent said, "Watch
this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the
agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into
the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so
he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
-
Brilliant Ken. O0 ;D {-) I must remember in future not to have a mouthfull of tea just as I get to the punch line.
Still trying to wipe the spray from the monitor and keyboard. :D
-
Brilliant Ken
Do you think tears of laughter will ruin my keyboard. {-) {-) {-)
Brian
-
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.
She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
-
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... lets chuck a few pebbles in there and see just how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of large rocks and throw them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad sleeper. Help me carry it over here. When we chuck THAT heavy sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy wooden sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad sleeper." ::)
-
Another good one. O0 {-) Luckily I wasn't drinking this time. ;D
-
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f****d if he needed
glasses".
-
Brilliant ............. now I know what spluttering means. {-)
-
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the blood samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith, "What do you mean?"
Receptionist, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer, and the other for Syphilis. However, we cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
-
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
-
"Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
;D {-) ;D {-) O0
-
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1124545654 have a look at this its brilliant {-) :D {-) :D {-)
-
I'll have to stop reading / viewing these jokes. My wife thinks I'm having a fit when I start rolling around on
the floor laughing and giggling. {-) ;D :) The last few have been extra good. O0
-
http://tinyurl.com/28yfmh (http://tinyurl.com/28yfmh)
or...
http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf?autostart=true&enablejs=true&feedurl=http://theblimp.blip.tv/rss&file=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/rss/flash/345491&showplayerpath=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf
(http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf?autostart=true&enablejs=true&feedurl=http://theblimp.blip.tv/rss&file=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/rss/flash/345491&showplayerpath=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf)
-
Ferrari F1 team fires entire pit crew!
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some UK Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
-
So thats the true story behind last years F1 spy scandal.
Rather more believable than the stuff that was officially put out.
-
A mate just sent me this -
Say; "The Leith Police Dismisseth Us" - 3 times -fast!
Or Read the following:-
Subject: Letter to the Police
Here's a true email sent to the Edinburgh force, lengthy but absolutely
brilliantly written..... An Anonymous correspondence from a member of the
public :
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message
on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the
entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a
matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of
calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be
relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve
no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in
trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith
Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat
officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In
the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen
you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a
matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and
attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of
no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to
play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or
the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the
Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
regards,
IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the addressee(s) named above and may contain
information that is confidential or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons
with low self-esteem or no sense of humour. Any unauthorised distribution or
copying of this email constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the
terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. There is
also, no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just
ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete
circle of salt around yourself and your computer, you can ensure that no
harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
-
Very good! O0
-
Fishing by remote Control Boat!
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/th_FishingBoat-1.jpg) (http://s136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/?action=view¤t=FishingBoat-1.flv)
-
Fishing with Bill Dance!
(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/th_FishingwithBillDance.jpg) (http://s136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/?action=view¤t=FishingwithBillDance.flv)
-
The times they are a-changing!
Scenario 1
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960
- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007
- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence.
They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 2
Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960
Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007
- Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Drops out of school.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 3
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1960
- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007
- Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.
Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an
affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 4
Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1960
- Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007
- Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 5
Vinh fails high school English.
1960
- Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.
2007
- Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English
a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and
his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 6
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960
- Ants die.
2007
- Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are
removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly
again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 7
Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960
- Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007
- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five
years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Bring back the good old days O0
-
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
-
Shopping for husbands
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that have big boobs, love sex, and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Ends
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the
trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is
also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also
called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market
the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There
is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them. :-\
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Nice one Richard {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Doggy Joke!!
A fella with his dog was standing outside a pub looking rather miserable.
His friend who was passing asks him why?
They won’t let me in with my dog.
Try again ,but this time tell the barman it is a guide dog.
The man tries again
Sorry Sir, no dogs in the pub.
But this is my guide dog.
What! that mangy, scruffy mutt, guide dogs are usually Collies or Retrievers
Why, what have they given me.
:angel:
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I've heard they do viagra in an eye dropper bottle now...........so you can look hard !
You must swallow viagra quickly...............or you will get a stiff neck !
A barge full of viagra sunk in the thames..............it took a week to get tower bridge down
:D :D
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On the same theme.....
Burglars broke into our local Boots, and stole all the Viagra.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!
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Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be.
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A captain is signing on a new ships crew in Sydney. The first up is an Aussie. the Captain asks him for his discharge book and spends some time looking through it and then starts to question the sailor.
"Are you married? what's your wife's name/ how many children do you have? what religion are you? are you close to your parents/ etc. etc. etc."
The bloke can't believe all these questions. He's never been asked all these things when he has signed on ships before.
The next bloke up is a Pom and the Captain looks at his discharge book says very good and tells him to sign on.
Aussie can't understand this.
The ship sails and when they get out to sea the sailors are scrubbing the decks and there is a big swell running and a wave comes up and washes the Pom over the side. Aussie goes up on the bridge and say's to the Captain, "You know when we were signing on yesterday, you wanted to know the ins and outs of a duck's a*se about my private life before you would let me sign on but you just let that Pom sign on without asking him a thing"
"That's right" said the Captain, "so what about it?"
"Well next time you should check on him 'cos he's just f***ed off with your mop and bucket"
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New Zealandanders have lost all of their vowels except for one..............THE EWE ;D ;D
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Theoretical Laws
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being seen is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Law of Variation: If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last..
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you will be there.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.
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Good news, the police have caught the gang that stole the Viagra from our local Boots, and they have been charged. However, there's some doubt as to wether it will stand up in court!
Rick
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Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
See also
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Malcolm's Rider: When the phone rings following the body's immersion in bath water, it WILL be a wrong number, but only if you get out to answer it.
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A lady phones the vet and says rather excitedly , can you help me ? a large dog has just jumped into my garden and is now humping my little poodle flufikins !
The vet replies , "throw a bucket of water over them that should do the trick "
I've tried that says the woman , and it didnt work what else can you suggest to dampen the dogs ardour ?
The vet thinks for a while and says " have you got a little table ?
yes says the wpman.
Well take it out into the garden and put it next to the dogs.
O.K says the woman i"ve done that.
Great says the vet , now take your phone and place it on the table next to the dogs.
O.K , says the woman i've done that , now what?
Give me your phone number so i can ring your phone , it should stop them in their tracks.
Do you think that will work says the woman, W ill it stop them ?
To which the vet replies WELL IT BLOODY STOPPED ME ! O0
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(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/th_wakeup.jpg) (http://s136.photobucket.com/albums/q168/MBmayhem/Forum/?action=view¤t=wakeup.flv)
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A guy is in bed with his latest conquest and going hell for leather when he spots a photo of a guy on the bedside cabinet.
Who is the bloke in the photo , he asks.
Is it your husband ?
NO...she says.
Is it your boyfriend then , he asks ?
No she says again.
Well who the bloody hell is it then
to which she replies
Its me two years ago !!!!!!! :D
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Here's one for the skiers out there.
Two Skiers were on their way out on piste, one said, "Where
did you get your new skis?"
The second skier replied, "Well, I was skiing along yesterday minding
my own business when a
beautiful woman came up on these skis. She unclipped them from her bindings and threw them to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second skier nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Cheers Graham
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Here is another that my Dyslexic son thought amusing.
Two dyslexic skiiers about to make their first ever descent are stood at the top of a slope, one says to the other "I can't remember ~ should we zig zag or zag zig down the slope?" the other says "I cant remember ~ lets ask that bloke over their with the sledge". The shuffle over and ask the bloke with the sledge "When you ski down do you zig zag or zag zig?" The man looks at them blankly and says "Don't ask me i'm a toboggonist".
The first skiier says "Oh really, can I have 20 Rothmans please"
Cheers Graham
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The joke of the week in Germany:
The German home-secretary: German streets are safe at night! Nobody has to be scared, as we have security services pass on by every 60 minutes on public places......
Did you have ever spend 60 minutes on a public place in darkness, with some binchdrinking youths?
But the say- it`s safe....
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A wealthy pilot crash lands his private plane in the desert. He wanders for two days until his food is gone and his water bottle is empty. "Crazy" he thinks, "I have a million pounds in the bank and a thousand pounds in my wallet, but it will do me no good, because I'll die without water." He's amazed to see a beautiful oasis on the horizon and crawls towards it for hours, only to find it's a mirage. Getting ever weaker, the next day he sees a building in the distance, so he crawls for hours again, and this time the bulding is real. He knocks at the door and asks for water. "Sorry sir" he's told "We don't have any water, but I could sell you a very nice necktie!" "I need water, not a necktie" gasps the pilot. "Well, you could try the nightclub a mile or so that way" comes the reply. So the pilot once more starts crawling across the sands until at last he sees the lights of the club. With his last ounce of strength he reaches the door and says to the doorman "Let me in, I need water...." The doorman looks down and says "Oh no sir. We do have dress standards. You can't possibly come in if your'e not wearing a tie!"
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Cat wake up call. Turn the sound up and don't let your cat see this.
http://www.whiteoakdesign.com/wake-up.wmv
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Cat wake up call. Turn the sound up and don't let your cat see this.
http://www.whiteoakdesign.com/wake-up.wmv
{-) {-) Cat wake up call." - Brilliant! {-) {-)
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A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking:
"And Tigger?"
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{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Seen on a cruise ship review site on the subject of marine toilets:
Chippy's (Ship's carpenter/plumber) lament.
To those of you who grunt and groan,
whilst seated on this marble throne
spare a thought or a give a ponder
upon the route your waste will wander.
Through paths tortuous it will wind
on bends it will so easily bind
but you know it shouldn’t oughter
if you flush with ample water
so hold the handle for a while
and thus keep chippy’s happy smile
too often has it been his gripe
three inch backside and two inch pipe.
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Dont you just love these phones
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up- our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
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(http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p8/DickyD_photos/pointlessSign_430x271.jpg)
Dobwalls Cornwall
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A man stumbles across a bloke who is supposed to be a wizzard
Can you undo spells and the like ? the man asks of the wizzard
i most certainly can replies the wizzard
Can you then remove a most awful spell that was put upon me many years ago , he asks the wizzard.
I most certainly can replies the wizzard , but you must remember the exact words that were spoken when the spell was put on you.
I can remember exactly , every word that was spoken , answers the man, and with that he says..........
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE...... {-) :D
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DJ, had been in touch with such a wizzard.
He took this spell off from me.....
It was two years ago......
The wizzard then changed his name into lawyer....
And send me a invoice.....
Now I have another problem:
How to take off that spell set to me by the lawyer, called LOM (lack of money)....
>:(
Jörg
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Oh boys, knowing that most of you are the same rotten bunch (just like me)- you`ll like that one... ;D
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the
police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his
van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an
obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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.... hmmmm... thats a pretty lautrec! ::)
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Reminds me how Toulouse Lautrec got his name.
He had a downstairs cloakroom....
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Colin, so it can be assumed that Van Gogh had an awfull cough?
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Yeah, really gave people an earful! ;D
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Van Gogh cut orf his ear and threw it out of the window, turned to his bro' and said, "That's another 'ear gone".
In the army the sergeant said "Answer to your name when I call it, except you Van Gogh, I know your Ear".
Man picked up Van Gogh's Ear turned and asked him, " Is this yours ?" Van Gogh looked at him and said, "Pardon".
Van Gogh has amnesia, he's lost a 'ear
Van Gogh was in the army when his other year got shot off, he immediately went blind. He had nothing to hold his helmet and it slid down over his eyes.
All the above come courtesy of my 5yr old great-grandson so don't blame me, I have to listen to them three or four times a week...... Harry
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Some of these jokes are so good I want to copy one or two to pass to family and friends. Is there a way to isolate one joke and print it, please?
Roger in France
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I think you can 'cut and paste' to file that way the joke or subject will be just the bits you want (I think)
::)
R,
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Roger
Hope I'm not teaching granny.....
Drag the cursor over the words you wish to select.
Press Ctrl and C keys at the same time.
Load your preferred word processor or text editor
Click in a document window
Press Ctrl and V together
You should now have the required text in the document. Print in the normal way.
HTH
Doug
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Instead of Ctrl + c and Ctrl + v I find it easier just to right-click the mouse and select copy or paste as needed - but whatever suits you O0
Don B
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An itinerant looking for work approaches a big house. The householder, an affluent man, gets him to clean his Rolls Royce.
The worker sets to with soap and water, gives the paint work a rub down with a chamois and then a really good polish. The car is gleaming. He then sets about the inside with a vacuum until there is not a single speck of dust to be seen.
When he finished he said to the owner, "That's a really lovely car.It's got everything, cocktail cabinet, fridge, stereo DVD player, built in sat nav and wonderful leather upholstry. Just one thing what are these?" He holds up some golf tees.
"Oh", says the owner, "They are for putting your balls on when you drive off."
"Sheesh" says the worker "These Rolls Royce people think of everything"
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Now that Liverpool has been declared European City of Culture for 2008, my scouser mate Jez says that when they nick the wheels off your car you'll find it chocked up on books instead of bricks.
One of my customers was a bit apprehensive about visiting Nottingham as his son - who was at Nottingham University - had told him that when you stop at traffic lights the hoodies jump out and steal your wheels. He was relieved to find that when he got here all the lights had been shot out..............
FLJ
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FLJ, as we have certain places like this there is an easy way to avoyd any trouble:
Just drive 30mph, as every lousy muggler just can run 20 for a short period. No chance for them to catch you up! ;D
Jörg
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Van Goch had a load of relatives..
His dizzy aunt.................................................... Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh.
The constipated uncle.......................... ..............Cant Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store .. Stopn Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia .........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.......... Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois........................................Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle...............................................Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin...............................................Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ..........Grin Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt...................................Tan Gogh.
A sister who loved disco.......................................Go Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach...................Wellsfar Gogh.
The bird lover uncle.............................................Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst.....................................E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin...........................................Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking .....................Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew......................................Poe Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van .......Winnie Bay Gogh
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Malcolm, not forget his stupid brother:
Don`t KnGogh
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... and his super clean niece 'Wash n'Gogh'
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... or the modeler in the family: "KnowhGogh".....
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The Wedding Test...
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Low n behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
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RE: Blackberry Messaging outage..
All we need now is for iPhones to start playing up and we'll have the dream headline:
Apple and Blackberry crumble
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me
today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace
is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
... ... ... ... finished.
So I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum,
a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun
scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn
to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum!!
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Jokes and humour continued here: http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=8212.0 (http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=8212.0)