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[HS93 (RIP)]

Or Steve, next time you go filming can you get me a close up of one of them !!!

[omra85]

or the one with two rays in -
"I'm sorry sir, humans are off tonight"

[DickyD]

Australian Joke of the year
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge

and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says,'We have siome good news and some bad news'.
 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
 The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in
 a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
 The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together
 and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
 attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
 So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're
 gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Stavros]

10/10

Stavros

[roycv]

Hi all, I heard this one today.
A fellow who lives on the 17th. floor of a block of flats thinks that his wife is having an affair.
So he leaves the flat as normal to go to work but then sneaks back up the stairs to the 17th. floor and waits a bit.

He then bursts in through the front door and catches his wife alone in bed but with a smile on her face.  He looks around the flat quickly, sees no one so he looks out of the window and sees a man looking harassed just leaving.  Quick as a flash he grabs the 'fridge and hurls it out of the window and it hits the man.
He dashes down the stairs to see what has happened but it is too much for him and he has a heart attack and dies.

He now finds himself at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him what he is doing there and he relates the story of throwing the fridge at his wife's lover.
St. Peter says OK go in.

The next guy gets to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter also asks him what he is doing there, and he says that he was late for work dashing out of the flats where he lived and he was hit by a 'fridge.  OK says St Peter go in.



The next fellow at the P. Gates gets to St. Peter and is again asked what he is doing there and he says  "Well I was in this 'fridge".......

Regards to all Roy

[DickyD]

Roy, you ought to try and read a bit more     (like joke 139 on here)  ( ....   form of flattery?)
Still you're not as bad as Dicky - he's repeating his OWN jokes (joke 288 and yesterday's)
It's an age thing 

Danny 

Hate to say but you're right Danny though I really worry about you sometimes  :-\ when you start checking back through this lot to see if the jokes been on here before.
Good god man, you're  60, not many years left, live a little. :angel:

[dougal99]

One from my 3 year old grandson:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Tank

Tank who?

YOUR WELCOME

[DickyD]

Sorry - point taken Stavros (I get carried away sometimes)
Consider wrist slapped.

Danny

Moderated or not Danny that first joke was brilliant, brought me to tears, glad I got a copy. :laugh: :laugh:

[omra85]

Shhuush Dicky (but thanks)

Have you been letting your dog out on his own  -

 
A local business was looking for office help...
They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"


_______________

Danny

[HS93 (RIP)]

Dis-order In The Court...

These are from a book called Dis-order in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in m e?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_ ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________


And the best for last


ATTORNEY: Did you check for a pulse before you began the autopsy:?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Peter

[Colin H]

Peter Thats had me in tears.

I always knew the legal proffession was dumb but that takes the biscuit.

Yours Colin H.

[dougal99]

An old gent is struggling to ride his bike up a hill when a young chap in a Porsche pulls up alongside and offers to give the old gent a tow. The gent is at first reluctant fearing the Porsche diver will go too fast. The young lad tells him not to worry, that he wont get out of second gear and to ring his bell if he thinks they are going too fast.

At first all went well and the Porsche towing the bicycle made steady if sedate progress. Suddenly, a Golf GTI came roaring past horn blaring and disappeared down the road in a cloud of dust. The Porsche driver, forgetting the old chap on the bike took off in pursuit. A mile down the road, parked in a layby, was a police car. On seeing the speeding cars he radioed the police station:

"Sarge, you're not going to believe it, a Golf GTI is racing a Porsche, but get this, old Tom is following on his bike ringing his bell like mad trying to get past!"

[omra85]

Nice one 
For a minute I thought it was the one about the Porsche driver driving steadily along the road.  He passes an old bloke on a bike.
Suddenly the old bloke shoots past him on the inside. 
Blow this, he thinks!  I'm not going to be overtaken by a pushbike, so puts his foot down a bit and once more overtakes the bike. 
No sooner is he past but the bike shoots past again! 
"Right,if that's how you want to play", he thinks, and increases his speed again to pass the bike, and again the bike shoots past.
This goes on for quite a few miles until the Porsche driver gets fed up and slows to a stop.
The old bloke, gasping for breath stops next to him.
"I admire your stamina but why do you keep overtaking me" asks the driver?
"I'm not overtaking you - my braces got caught on your wing mirror"!

_________
Danny

[dougal99]

A young lad goes to a used car lot looking for a bargain. The salesman shows him several vehicles but the lad says that they are all too expensive. "Well how much have you got to spend?" asks the salesman.

"£150" says the lad

"Oh, well for that money I can only do you this" says the salesman taking the lad out the back and showing him a old pony trap. "Yours for £100"

"But what would I use to pull it" says the lad.

"Not to worry" say the salesman "a pal of mine works at the experimental farm down the road I'm sure he has something."

So after a quick phone call and £50 the lad is fixed up with a 6ft chicken. Harnessing it to the pony trap he sets off down the road. This is good he thinks to himself, I wonder how fast it will go. Getting onto the dual carriage way he gives the reins a crack and the chicken picks up speed. Soon he is doing a steady 60mph and the chicken is striding comfortably along. I wonder if it will go faster he thinks and give the reins a really hard crack. The chicken takes off at a tremendous pace, passing everything with ease. Unfortunately, the reins, being old, can't stand the strain and the chicken breaks free, leaving the pony trap to career across the road and down an embankment. The police arrive. "What's going on here then?" asks the constable.

"Officer, Officer, my big hens gone"

[tigertiger]

Seeing as one of the best ways to relieve tension is some humour.

Here is an idea for conflict resolution.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMKCLyhBBwI

Great to see the forum back

[Ghost in the shell]

tiger, very nice :)

[Cargo]

Turn up the volume... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6tJgdquU_M

[Martin (Admin)]

Can you guess what they are??


           man
Q1.    ---------
         board


          stand
Q2.    ------------
           i



Q3.    /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/



Q4.        r
          road
           a
           d


Q5.    cycle  cycle
       cycle



          0
Q6.    ---------
         M.D.
         Ph.D.



        knee
Q7.     light



                ground
Q8.    ----------------------------
      feet feet feet feet feet feet



Q9.      ecnalg



Q10.     death ..... life



Q11.     THINK



Q12. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...





Answers later.......... 

[Ghost in the shell]

careful jan thats a little getting close to a tad rude lol, scared the pants off the guy as well, and the cameraman was probably laughing his t*ts off

[a3nige]

Mmmmm,
Man overboard, I understand, but reading between the lines,..............

[Ghost in the shell]

life after death
crossroads

[boatmadman]

5. re-cycle?

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

    Is  8.....     Six feet underground

Ken

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

is 10 .........   Life after death

Ken

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

Sorry Ghost,   I knew I'd seen it somewhere         


Is  9  .........            Backward glance

Ken