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[bigfella]

Nice one Richard

[Boater1]

Doggy Joke!!
A fella with his dog was standing outside a pub looking rather  miserable.
His friend who was passing asks him why?
They won’t let me in with my dog.
Try again ,but this time tell the barman it is a guide dog.
The man tries again
Sorry Sir, no dogs in the pub.
But this is my guide dog.
What! that mangy, scruffy mutt, guide dogs are usually Collies or Retrievers
Why, what have they given me.
 :angel:

[djrobbo]

I've heard they do viagra in an eye dropper bottle now...........so you can look hard !

You must swallow viagra quickly...............or you will get a stiff neck !

A barge full of viagra sunk in the thames..............it took a week to get tower bridge down

 

[RickF]

On the same theme.....

Burglars broke into our local Boots, and stole all the Viagra.

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!

[DickyD]

Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A captain is signing on a new ships crew in Sydney. The first up is an Aussie. the Captain asks him for his discharge book and spends some time looking through it and then starts to question the sailor.
"Are you married? what's your wife's name/ how many children do you have? what religion are you? are you close to your parents/ etc. etc. etc."
The bloke can't believe all these questions. He's never been asked all these things when he has signed on ships before.
The next bloke up is a Pom and the Captain looks at his discharge book says very good and tells him to sign on.
Aussie can't understand this.
The ship sails and when they get out to sea the sailors are scrubbing the decks and there is a big swell running and a wave comes up and washes the Pom over the side. Aussie goes up on the bridge and say's to the Captain, "You know when we were signing on yesterday, you wanted to know the ins and outs of a duck's a*se about my private life before you would let me sign on but you just let that Pom sign on without asking him a thing"
"That's right" said the Captain, "so what about it?"
"Well next time you should check on him 'cos he's just f***ed off with your mop and bucket"

 

[bigfella]

New Zealandanders have lost all of their vowels except for one..............THE EWE

[Martin (Admin)]

Theoretical Laws
   
  Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
Law of Probability: The probability of being seen is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
 
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
 
Law of Variation: If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
 
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
 Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
 Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last..
 
 Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
 Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
Law of Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
 
 Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you will be there.

 Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
 
 Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
 
 Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
 Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
 
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,  your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to  go to the bathroom.
 

[RickF]

Good news, the police have caught the gang that stole the Viagra from our local Boots, and they have been charged. However, there's some doubt as to wether it will stand up in court!

Rick

[malcolmfrary]

 

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 

See also

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
 

Malcolm's Rider: When the phone rings following the body's immersion in bath water, it WILL be a wrong number, but only if you get out to answer it.

[djrobbo]

A lady phones the vet and says rather excitedly , can you help me ? a large dog has just jumped into my garden and is now humping my little poodle flufikins !

 The vet replies , "throw a bucket of water over them that should do the trick "

 I've tried that says the woman , and it didnt work what else can you suggest to dampen the dogs ardour ?

 The vet thinks for a while and says " have you got a little table ?
 yes says the wpman.
 Well take it out into the garden and put it next to the dogs.
 O.K says the woman i"ve done that.
Great says the vet , now take your phone and place it on the table next to the dogs.
 O.K , says the woman i've done that , now what?
 
 Give me your phone number so i can ring your phone , it should stop them in their tracks.

  Do you think that will work says the woman, W ill it stop them ?

  To which the vet replies  WELL IT BLOODY STOPPED ME !

[Martin (Admin)]

[djrobbo]

A guy is in bed with his latest conquest and going hell for leather when he spots a photo of a guy on the bedside cabinet.

     Who is the bloke in the photo , he asks.

     Is it your husband  ?

     NO...she says.

     Is it your boyfriend then , he asks ?

     No she says again.

     Well who the bloody hell is it then

     to which she replies




     Its me two years ago !!!!!!!

[Captain Povey]

Here's one for the skiers out there.

Two Skiers were on their way out on piste, one said, "Where
did you get your new skis?"
The second skier replied, "Well, I was skiing along yesterday minding
my own business when a
beautiful woman came up on these skis. She unclipped them from her bindings and threw them to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second skier nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

Cheers Graham

[Captain Povey]

Here is another that my Dyslexic son thought amusing.

Two dyslexic skiiers about to make their first ever descent are stood at the top of a slope, one says to the other "I can't remember ~ should we zig zag or zag zig down the slope?" the other says "I cant remember ~ lets ask that bloke over their with the sledge". The shuffle over and ask the bloke with the sledge "When you ski down do you zig zag or zag zig?" The man looks at them blankly and says "Don't ask me i'm a toboggonist".

The first skiier says "Oh really, can I have 20 Rothmans please"

Cheers Graham

[White Ensign]

The joke of the week in Germany:

The German home-secretary: German streets are safe at night! Nobody has to be scared, as we have security services pass on by every 60 minutes on public places......

Did you have ever spend 60 minutes on a public place in darkness, with some binchdrinking youths?
But the say- it`s safe....

[meechingman]

A wealthy pilot crash lands his private plane in the desert. He wanders for two days until his food is gone and his water bottle is empty. "Crazy" he thinks, "I have a million pounds in the bank and a thousand pounds in my wallet, but it will do me no good, because I'll die without water." He's amazed to see a beautiful oasis on the horizon and crawls towards it for hours, only to find it's a mirage. Getting ever weaker, the next day he sees a building in the distance, so he crawls for hours again, and this time the bulding is real. He knocks at the door and asks for water. "Sorry sir" he's told "We don't have any water, but I could sell you a very nice necktie!" "I need water, not a necktie" gasps the pilot. "Well, you could try the nightclub a mile or so that way" comes the reply. So the pilot once more starts crawling across the sands until at last he sees the lights of the club. With his last ounce of strength he reaches the door and says to the doorman "Let me in, I need water...." The doorman looks down and says "Oh no sir. We do have dress standards. You can't possibly come in if your'e not wearing a tie!"

[Wetwater]

   Cat wake up call.   Turn the sound up and don't let your cat see this.
   http://www.whiteoakdesign.com/wake-up.wmv 

[Martin (Admin)]

   Cat wake up call.   Turn the sound up and don't let your cat see this.
   http://www.whiteoakdesign.com/wake-up.wmv 

  Cat wake up call." - Brilliant! 

[Martin (Admin)]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"


"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking:
"And Tigger?"

[Colin Bishop]

 

[Colin Bishop]

Seen on a cruise ship review site on the subject of marine toilets:

Chippy's (Ship's carpenter/plumber) lament.

To those of you who grunt and groan,
whilst seated on this marble throne
spare a thought or a give a ponder
upon the route your waste will wander.
Through paths tortuous it will wind
on bends it will so easily bind
but you know it shouldn’t oughter
if you flush with ample water
so hold the handle for a while
and thus keep chippy’s happy smile
too often has it been his gripe
three inch backside and two inch pipe.

[DickyD]

Dont you just love these phones
 

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up- our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[DickyD]

Dobwalls Cornwall

[djrobbo]

A man stumbles across a bloke who is supposed to be a wizzard

    Can you undo spells and the like ? the man asks of the wizzard

 i most certainly can replies the wizzard

    Can you then remove a most awful spell that was put upon me many years ago , he asks the wizzard.

     I most certainly can replies the wizzard , but you must remember the exact words that were spoken when the spell was put on you.

     I can remember exactly , every word that was spoken , answers the man, and with that he says..........







     I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE......

[White Ensign]

DJ, had been in touch with such a wizzard.
He took this spell off from me.....
It was two years ago......
The wizzard then changed his name into lawyer....
And send me a invoice.....
Now I have another problem:

How to take off that spell set to me by the lawyer, called LOM (lack of money)....

 >:(

Jörg