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[RickF]

Kenny's joke reminds me.....

A man goes into a pub with an alligator on a lead. Naturally, all the other customers panic and the landlord tell him to leave as they don't serve alligators (that's another joke!).

The man protests, saying that it is a house-trained alligator, it's totally harmless, wouldn't hurt a fly, etc.etc. But the landlord is adamant - him and his alligator have to go.

In desperation, and gasping for a pint, the man says "I'll show you how harmless he is!", unzips his fly, pulls out the old man and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. Nothing. He then picks up a pint pot and hits the alligator over the head several times. Still no reaction. The man turns to the customers, brandishing the beer mug. " There," he says. "I told you he was harmless. Anyone else want a go?"

"OK," said a little old lady, sitting in the corner. "But don't hit me with the beer mug."

[Roger in France]

Same man, same alligator.....different pub.

Man says to the barman, "Pint for me and a Zulu for the alligator". The barman pulls the pint and goes out into the pub car park where a tribe of Zulus happen to have camped. He grabs a Zulu and throws it to the alligator who swallows him in one gulp.

Next night the same thing happens, a pint and a Zulu.

On the third night the Zulus have got wise and decamped. So, after pulling the pint the barman goes outside, comes back in and says, "Sorry mate, no Zulus for your alligator but there are some Pygmys about, how about that?"

"You must be kidding", says the man,"The alligator goes crazy on shorts"!

Roger in France.

[DickyD]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the glorious
winner:

   1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did

something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.....

   And now, the Honourable Mentions:

   2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

   5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he  received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk

promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer...$15.

   (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided  that

he'd just throw a  cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.  Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to

stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away

    A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank

by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 ::) ::)

[RickF]

Yes Roger, that was the other joke!

[anmo]

A woman spends all her money on a facelift.  After the bandages come off and the swelling goes down, she ventures out for the first time.  First she goes to buy a paper.  As she is paying, she asks the newsagent, "How old do you think I am?"  The man thinks for a moment, "About 35 I'd say", he says eventually.  The woman is really pleased, "Actually I'm 47 she says".  Then she goes up to a traffic warden.  "How old do I look to you?" she asks.  The man thinks and looks her up and down.  "I'd guess around 38 he says".  Again, the woman is really pleased.  Then she goes into McDonalds.  After ordering a Big Mac,  she asks the girl serving, "How old would you say I am?"  The girl has a good look, and says "Just under 40, maybe 36".  The woman is delighted, "Actually I'm 47," she tells her.  Then she goes into the park and sits down on a bench.  After a minute or two, a man sits beside her.  She can't resist asking him, "How old do you think I am?"  The man shakes his head, "I don't know, but I know how to find out.  If you let me s..g you, I'll be able to tell your age for certain.  If I get it wrong, I'll give you one thousand pounds".  The woman thinks for a moment.  The facelift has left her pretty hard up, and she could use the money, he'll never guess, so how can she lose?  "OK," she replies, "Let's go behind this bush".  The man bends her over a tree stump and pulls down her knickers, and gives her a good seeing-to from behind.  After he's finished, he zips himself up, and the woman pulls up her knickers.  Thinking she has just made one thousand pounds, she asks him, "Well, how old am I?"  The man says, "47 years old".  The woman is amazed, "you can tell that just by shagging me?" she asks.  "No," says the man, "I was standing behind you in the queue at MacDonalds".

[DickyD]

Tips for Southerners moving North
1. Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Northerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Love"
3. Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we always have to give you lifts everywhere.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in  the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not try to buy fresh pasta. Thump in gob tends to offend..
7. If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8. Remember: "Us" is singular. "Thaa" is plural. "Thaas" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Southerner imitating a northern accent, unless it is a northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Tha not from around here, are tha?"
11. People walk slower.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted Southerner's vocabulary "me ducks", Eighty-five percent end their new northern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He were a southern "xxxxx"" ia a legal defence up here.
16. If attending a funeral in the north take your baseball hat off when everyone else does.
17. If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, "Ayup, come and look at this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the explosion.
18. Most Northerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Southerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windscreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The summer wardrobe you always brought out in April can wait til June.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Blizzards and Northerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.
24. Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.
25. In Northern churches you will hear the hymn, "Come All Ye Faithful". You will also hear expressions such as, ""xxxxx" me, Lord", "God knows", "Lord wept!" and "God help the poor cow ".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key piles of rubble, canals, coal mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

I'll apologise now.

Richard

[RickF]

Two good jokes, Richard, but coming from Southampton...are you suffering an identity crisis? And I know you slave-owning Southerners are a bit rusty on anything north of Watford, but "Eh up, me duck" is not "North" - it's Midlands.

Rick (exiled yellow-belly)

[DickyD]

Only wanted a bit of controversy.
My Aussie one was a bit rude for the forum.

Richard

[DickyD]

A Pome bie Richard


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a ward
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew. ???


 

[RickF]

Great to see that again, Richard - it did the rounds of the technical writing world some years ago.

Paddy goes to Confession one Sunday morning, sits in the box and says: "Forgive me, Father, I committed a terrible sin last night with a girl from the village."

"Oh my son, how could you? Which poor unfortunate was it?"

"I can't tell you Father, I promised to keep her name secret."

" If you don't tell me, your penance will be long and hard."

"No Father, I will not."

"Was it Bridie Murphy?"

"No Father."

"Well then, was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No Father, neither of them. I'll not tell you her name."

"Very well my son. For your penance say ten Hail Marys and put five pounds in the Poor Box."

As Paddy is leaving he meets his mate coming in. "How did you get on?" asks his mate.

"Ten Hail Marys and five pounds in the Poor Box," says Paddy.

"Lord," says his mate, "That's a bit steep."

"Yes," says Paddy, "But I've got two certs for next Saturday night!"

[J.beazley]

think this young pussy has the right idea.

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1666/Pussy+Cat+Hammock/

Jay

[DickyD]

Glasgow Rangers are looking to sign some new players to help them next season, so they send chief scouts to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal.
On getting back to Scotland, the manager takes one look at him in training and puts him straight in the 1st team to play Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic , he scores a hat trick and creates two more as Rangers win 5 - 0 . Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news . "Mum , I've just made my debut and had a great game . The team loves me , the fans love me even the press love me . Life is great" "Well" says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you . Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street , your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers" "Mum , I don't know what to say , I'm so so sorry" "Sorry , you're f**king sorry it's your f**king fault we moved to Glasgow in the 1st place!!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Letter sent to an agony aunt

lI am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser. 

[DickyD]

Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be. 


What’s the definition of aristocracy in Australia? Being able to trace lineage back to your father. 

 

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.
Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign that says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poop, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What…. what is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty "illigitimate"."

 

 

[Ghost in the shell]

problems with telesales, try this

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

[FullLeatherJacket]

To Rick F (exiled yellow-belly)
Can you shed any further light on this perplexing dichotomy? I would be most grateful, as my genealogist wife has found that 95% of my paternal predecessors hailed from that area:
I used to believe that the epithet "Yellow-Belly", when applied to someone from Lincolnshire, originated from the yellow waistcoats which were part of the uniform of the county's regiment. However, my late and highly cultured maternal grandfather maintained that it was more to do with the way they used toilet paper........
Grandad, of course, came from Nottinghamshire.

[RickF]

FLJ,

I always favoured the soldiers' waistcoats theory, or the alternative frogs' undersides - particularly for the fen-dwellers.

This site has these and several other derivations - you pays yer money and takes yer choice!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/lincolnshire/asop/people/what_is_a_yellowbelly.shtml

Rick

[DickyD]

The British Aviation Authority used to test the strength of windshields on planes using a device that could fire out dead chickens at extremely high speed.
The device was pointed at the aircraft's windshield and if the chicken didn't break it, it was assumed that the windshield would survive the impacts of actual collisions with birds when in flight.
British Rail had recently designed a new locomotive and was testing various designs of windshields, so they borrowed the device from the BAA.
Adjusting it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, they loaded a dead chicken and fired it at the first windshield design.
The chicken went straight through the windshield, broke several components and left a huge dent in the compartment door. Surprised by the result, they asked a BAA official if they had done the test correctly.
An engineer checked everything and suggested that for their next test they defrost the chicken.

 

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"



A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

 

 

[Telstar]

 What a world we live in !!!!!!
 
  A SQUIRRELS TALE
 
  REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
  The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
  building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
  winter.
 
  The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
  the summer away.
 
  Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
  The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
  the cold.
 
  THE END
 
 
 
  _____
  THE U.K. VERSION:
  The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
  building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
  The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
  the summer away.
   Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
 
  A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
  conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
  be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
  grasshopper, are cold and starving.
 
  The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
  grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
  warm home with a table laden with food.
  The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in
  a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
  so, while others have plenty.
 
  The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and the Grasshopper
  Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
 
  The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
  with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
  Shall Overcome".
 
  Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
  squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
  immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
  and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
 
  In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
  Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
  to the beginning of the summer.
 
  The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
 
  He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
  builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional
  fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not
  want to work.
 
  The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
  furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
  socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to
  the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
 
  Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
  imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
  building a new home.
 
  The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
  temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
  get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
  mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
  Britain's apparent love of dogs.
 
  The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
  hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released
  because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in
  custody.
 
  Initial moves to then return them to their own country were
  abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
  The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's
  credit cards.
 
  A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
  the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
  council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't
  bothered to maintain the house.
 
  He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
  blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
 
  The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
  since arrival in UK.
 
  The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
  burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
  released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
 
  He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
  supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
  botched robbery.
 
  A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
  state the obvious, is set up.
 
  Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
  for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum
  seekers is increased.
 
  The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
  Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
  government for failing to befriend the cats.
 
  The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
  press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
  root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his
  traumatic experience of prison.
 
  They call for the resignation of a minister.
 
  The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
  infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
  in the United Kingdom.
 
  The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
  bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
  percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
  increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will
  have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
 
  THE END

[Colin H]

Sorry Telstar,

But the rest of the world will think that's a joke. When we in the UK know it to be the truth.

Yours Colin H.

[bluesy]

Colin H.......

Maybe a joke to somewhere in the world but here in Canada it is pretty much the same.  And by the news reports of the "illegal immigrant" situation in the US it's probably much the same there.  All of our "new arrivals" are immediatley applying for all the "social" benefits they can get.

doug in Victoria, BC

[DickyD]

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

[Telstar]

Sorry the last attempt was not funny, how about a fairy tale


Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.




That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

[tobyker]

Duck walks into pub, hops up onto bar stool, asks barman "Any bread?"
Barman; "No, we're a pub, dont sell bread, b off".
Same thing happens next 4 days.
Day 6, barman replies, "I've told you 5 times, we don't sell bread. If you come in hear asking again. I'll nail your beak to the bar".
Day 7. Enter duck, onto stool "Any nails?" 


Bloke goes into bar, 135th floor of Empire Stoat bldg. Man on bar stool calls barman for "a pint of your magic beer, my good man". Pint served, pint drunk, man jumps out of window, flies round building and back in.
Bloke very impressed, asks for pint of magic beer and drinks it, jumps out of window and falls 135 stories to his death.
Barman to man on barstool - "You're a reet basket when you're "xxxxx", Superman". 
 

[bluesy]

A  man was stopped by the Game Warden in Gogama, Ontario recently
with two ice chests full of live fish in water,  leaving a river well  known
for its fishing.

The warden asked the man,  "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"


"Naw, my friend,  I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet  fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and  let 'em
swim' round for a while.  Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS!  Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth. I'll show you. It really  works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After  several minutes, the warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them  back?"

"Call who back?"

"The  FISH!"

"What fish?"

[RickF]

Donald Duck is filming on location, and staying at The Hillton.

One night, in need of female company he asks the barman if he has the phone number for an escort agency. The barman provides it, Donald goes back to his room, and in twenty minutes a gorgeous blond arrives.

Nature takes  its course, and they end up in bed.

"Have you got the necessary?" asks the blond, "I only practise safe sex."

Donald checks his wallet, find nothing and wonders what to do. Then he thinks: "This is the Hilton. I'm a famous film star. Room service!"

So he rings room service and five minutes later there's a knock on the door. A bellboy holds out a silver plate, with a packet of three proudly displayed. "Mr Duck? Your condoms. Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Do I look like a pervert?" shouts Donald, and slams the door.