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[Reade Models]

....and I've been a scouser all my life...

Malc

[dougal99]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I  can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same  age, wewere the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh1t out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking
the sh1t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a***hole and a briefcase."

[HS93 (RIP)]

splodger   

  Just for you

[Reade Models]

Bloody Hell HS93

I dread to think what you'd do with scousers?

Malc

[HS93 (RIP)]

I am one

Peter

[Reade Models]

Then can I have my car wheels back please?

Regards, Malc

[HS93 (RIP)]

Malc
  you where warned

Peter

[Reade Models]

Classic!

[JayDee]

DO NOT lose your grandkids at the shopping centre!!.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.

He approached a Policeman and said " I have lost my Grand dad!".

The Policeman asked "What's he like ?".

The small boy thought for a moment and then replied.

"Single Malt Whisky and women with big breasts".

John.

[gingyer]

WARNING COMING TO A PLAY PARK
NEAR YOU

[portside II]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
wife,

"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station:

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
naked.
when I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night,
girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and his
wife stripped
naked!

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!

"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!!!!"

"WOMON .... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de
fire!"??

[Robert Davies]

Is this too soon I wonder?



How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as "xxxxx"-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[DickyD]

Australian Joke of the year
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge

and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says,'We have siome good news and some bad news'.
 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
 The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in
 a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
 The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together
 and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
 attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
 So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're
 gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[spoons]

Cant help feel robert you have put alot of thought into that.

[HS93 (RIP)]

How to win some Fosters

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."



My son is in AUS so I keep sending him Jokes

[HS93 (RIP)]

Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Peter

[DavieTait]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too". But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched".

"That was a fine story Emilie.

 Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon Was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fook away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the "xxxxx"."

[tobyker]

Hen goes into library, jumps on to counter, says "book-book"
Librarian gives her book.
Hen tucks book under wing, goes out of library, returns 20 mins later, jumps onto counter, drops book, says "book-book", librarian gives her new book.

Repeat 15 times until librarian's lunch hour.

Librarian follows hen, out of library door, left down the High St, right at the Ragged Staff, left at the Baptist Church, down to village pond, where hen drops book in front of frog.

Frog says....
















"Reddit, reddit reddit".

Hen picks up book,.........

[Robert Davies]

?

[Ghost in the shell]

what happenned to the other cat,

sniper kitty shot it, its doing a fly back with the bullet hollywood style

[HS93 (RIP)]

clever cat

[RickF]

Just seen Andy M's post on "Any Other Builds" and it reminded me of this old classic:

Bruce and Bluie are sitting on the dock, drinking a beer with their feet in the water. Suddenly there is a flurry of spray and Bruce turns to Bluie.

"Bloody hell, Bluie, a shark just bit ma foot off!"

"Which one, Bruce?"

"I don't know, Bluie, all these sharks look the same"

[meechingman]

A burglar breaks into a small flat. He rummages around for a few minutes looking for valuables, but then hears a voice say “Be careful, Lord is watching you.” He looks around and sees no-one in the flat, so carries on. A few seconds later, he hears the same voice. “Be careful, Lord is watching you.” Again, he looks around and sees a large parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. “Did you say that?” he asks the parrot. “Yes.” comes the reply, “and be careful, Lord is watching you.”

The burglar is perplexed, but then the penny drops. “Wait a minute, “ he says to the parrot. “Your name is Lord, isn’t it?” “Of course not,” replies the parrot, sounding quite annoyed “my name is Moses.” “Moses? MOSES?” says the burglar. “Who on earth calls their parrot Moses?” The parrot replies immediately. “The same people who call their Rottweiler Lord!”

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

Any Dog jokes ?

[red]

ok