Model Boat Mayhem

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length.

Author Topic: Jokes / Humour  (Read 242978 times)

red

  • Guest
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #300 on: August 02, 2007, 01:13:03 am »

Cats and dogs

No dogs where harmed in the making of this joke

Fred
Logged

Tug-Kenny RIP

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,625
  • Location: Newport. S Wales
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #301 on: August 02, 2007, 02:28:43 pm »


Good movie Fred.  Can only manage 'Stills'

Logged
Despite the high cost of living   .......... It remains popular

Tug-Kenny RIP

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,625
  • Location: Newport. S Wales
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #302 on: August 02, 2007, 02:30:39 pm »


My favorite


Logged
Despite the high cost of living   .......... It remains popular

tigertiger

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,830
  • Location: Kunming, city of eternal springtime, SW China.
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #303 on: August 08, 2007, 01:19:51 pm »

A man is in bed with his wife when he hears a rat-a-tat-tat on the front door. He rolls over, looks at the clock and sees that it's three o'clock in the morning. "What idiot would be knocking at the door at this hour?" thinks the man, and he rolls over and tries to go back to sleep.
After a few minutes, there's a louder knock on the door. "Aren't you going to see who it is?" asks his wife, so the man drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door to find a stranger standing outside.
"Eh mate," says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"
"No! Get lost! It's three in the morning. I was sleeping," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get him to help us? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"

So the man gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey. Do you still want a push?"
A voice cries out, "Yes please, mate."
So, still being unable to see the stranger the man shouts, "Where are you?"
"I'm over here on the swings."
Logged
The only stupid question is the one I didn't ask

Colin Bishop

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 12,527
  • Location: SW Surrey, UK
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #304 on: August 09, 2007, 05:52:27 pm »

Seen on another Forum:

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies with the other pirates.
The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”
The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”

The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That's very exciting. But how about the hook?”
The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.''
The sailor's eyes were wide with awe at how tough this pirate was, and he asked,
How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull sh*t in my eye.”
The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull sh*t?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”
 
Logged

Peter Fitness

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,393
  • Location: Wyrallah, near Lismore NSW Australia
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #305 on: August 10, 2007, 03:29:58 am »

Here's a bit of retaliatory fire from an Aussie, seeing that there have been 1 or 2 Aussie jokes.

A man was driving through a lion park when he noticed one of the lions furiously licking the backsides of all the other lions. When the man arrived back at the entrance, he mentioned this fact to one of the keepers who replied, "We had an English keeper here, but that lion ate him a couple of days ago, and he's been trying to get the taste out of his mouth ever since".

Sorry, some of my best friends are English....LOL.
I promise I won't mention the cricket.
Peter.
Logged

Peter Fitness

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,393
  • Location: Wyrallah, near Lismore NSW Australia
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #306 on: August 10, 2007, 03:40:07 am »

Here's a Texan / Aussie joke -
A Texan cattleman was visiting an Australian cattle station, and asked the owner how big it was,
"Oh, it's only 300,000 acres", said the Aussie.
"Mine is much bigger than that", said the Texan, "in fact, it's so big, I can get on my horse at the front gate in the morning, and it takes me all day to get to the house."
"Yair," said the Aussie, "I used to have a horse like that, but I shot him."

Then there's the one about the Texas rancher and the Kentucky rancher discussing the size of their properties.
"My spread is 3 million acres," said the Texan, "How big is yours?"
"Mine's only 200 acres," said the man from Kentucky, "But the house covers most of that."
Peter.
Logged

RickF

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 917
  • Black, white and buff - not grey!
  • Location: Norfolk UK
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #307 on: August 10, 2007, 10:04:42 am »

Another parrot joke.....

A travelling salesman knocks on a door. From inside the house comes a voice. "Who is it?"

"It's the Betterwear man."

"Who is it?"

Louder "It's the Betterwear man!"

It is, of course, a parrot, alone in the house. "Who is it?"

Louder still "It's the Betterwear man!!!"

"Who is it?"

The salesman, purple with rage, screams "IT'S THE ****** BETTERWEAR MAN!!!" and drops dead with a massive heart attack.

Shortly afterwards, the owner of the house returns, sees the body on the door step and exclaims "Good grief, who is it?".

To which the parrot replies "It's the Betterwear man."

Logged

bigfella

  • Guest
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #308 on: August 12, 2007, 01:12:55 am »

Here is one that will test the Australian - New Zealand relations.

........Then there is the one about the Aussie ventriloquist who is backpacking around New Zealand. Its been a hot day and the Aussie finds himself passing a farm where an NZ farmer is finished for the day and sitting on his porch knocking back a few icy cold beers. The Aussie thinks to himself that a cold beer could go down nicely about now so he asks the farmer if he could join him.
"No" was the reply
so the Aussie says "I bet you a can of beer that i can get your dog to talk"
The farmer laughs and agrees.
The Aussie asks the dog how the farmer treats him.
the dog replies "well he works me hard but I don't mind as I get fed and a nice warm place to sleep.......hes OK"
The farmer falls of his chair in amazement and hands the Aussie the beer which he proceeds to gulp down.
He then bets the farmer 2 beers that he can get his horse to talk.
The farmer agrees, and to his amazement the same thing happens.
By now the Aussie has a taste for the cold beverage and looks around for any other animals he can bet the farmer.
The Aussie turns to the farmer and says "what about those sheep"
and before the Aussie can make the bet the farmer gives him the rest of the beer and yells
"What ever they tell you they are a pack of liars"
Logged

Peter Fitness

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,393
  • Location: Wyrallah, near Lismore NSW Australia
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #309 on: August 13, 2007, 01:03:48 am »

Hi David,
I love it, I will add that to my repertoire of Kiwi jokes. It's a good thing most Kiwis have a good sense of humour or there would have been a trans Tasman war long ago - apart from the wars on the football fields that is (all codes), and the cricket - don't mention underarm bowling!!
Here's one you may already know -

Q. How does a Kiwi farmer find his sheep in long grass?
A. Delightful.

And another -
Q. How do you get a Kiwi started in small business?
A. Give him a big one and wait 6 months.

Thankfully, I don't have any Kiwis living near me, or I might have rocks through my windows. Seriously though, they're a great bunch, one of my sisters even married one, and my other sister married a Pom - I can't win!!
Peter.
Logged

RickF

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 917
  • Black, white and buff - not grey!
  • Location: Norfolk UK
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #310 on: August 17, 2007, 10:25:13 am »

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stall selling ties. The Taliban asked,
"Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I don't need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK" said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."


Rick

Logged

Doc

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 327
  • Location: Oklahoma USA
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #311 on: August 20, 2007, 03:30:20 pm »

Questions that haunt me

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
 
Logged

bigfella

  • Guest
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #312 on: August 20, 2007, 10:57:35 pm »

Great Doc, I laughed all through that list :laugh: :laugh: ;D ;D
Logged

Peter Fitness

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,393
  • Location: Wyrallah, near Lismore NSW Australia
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #313 on: August 21, 2007, 03:09:35 am »

Here's a variant on the usual Irish joke.

An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino in Las Vegas.
She bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said 'I hope ye don't mind , but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude!'
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled
'Come on baby, mamma needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each one of the dealers then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked 'What did she roll?'
The other answered 'I don't know I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb.........but all
Men
are Men!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter.
Logged

swordfish fairey

  • Guest
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #314 on: August 21, 2007, 09:30:28 pm »

saw this in todays newspaper:
Logged

Tug-Kenny RIP

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,625
  • Location: Newport. S Wales
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #315 on: August 21, 2007, 10:57:37 pm »



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again,plink-plink-plink, and there
were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me
what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~
"You're simply going through the change!
Logged
Despite the high cost of living   .......... It remains popular

dougal99

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3,412
  • Huntingdon, Cambs, England
  • Location: Huntingdon, England
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #316 on: August 22, 2007, 11:06:42 am »

Tug-kenny

That joke needs a godd cents of humour.  ;D ;D
Logged
Don't Assume Check

DickyD

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9,423
  • www.srcmbc.org.uk
  • Location: Southampton UK
    • SRCMBC
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #317 on: August 22, 2007, 11:24:38 am »

 Aussie Airlines

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots
review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas'
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with
an S)
by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

Logged
Richard Solent Radio Controlled Model Boat Club http://www.srcmbc.org.uk

cbr900

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,857
  • Mayhem is the Only Forum!
  • Location: Taree New South Wales Australia
    • Roys Hompage
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #318 on: August 22, 2007, 04:24:13 pm »

Richard,

They had a bit of a scare at Qantas the other day, the gent who signs out the aircraft as airworthy and he has signed for several hundred, has never been licensed to do so, he has been sacked and brought up on criminal charges, he must have had some idea though as they have still not lost an aircraft, and just so you know Qantas does not have a 'U' ...... :o :o



Roy
Logged
I try not to be naughty but nautical

kayem

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 159
  • .....excellent!
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #319 on: August 22, 2007, 04:51:52 pm »

Richard,

They had a bit of a scare at Qantas the other day, the gent who signs out the aircraft as airworthy and he has signed for several hundred, has never been licensed to do so, he has been sacked and brought up on criminal charges, he must have had some idea though as they have still not lost an aircraft, and just so you know Qantas does not have a 'U' ...... :o :o

Roy

Many years ago, pre-marriage of course, I had a girlfriend who was a stewardess (don't call them 'hostesses', they hate that), with British Airways. She knew all the flying jokes, including an acronym for almost every airline on earth, the old BEA was 'Britain's Excuse for an Airline', BOAC was 'Better On A Camel, and my favourite was Alitalia, 'Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival, but Qantas was also a good one. 'Queers ANd Nymphos Travel Australian Style'. Sorry about that Roy......

Edit, I feel I should point out that 'stewardess' is not a synonym for 'nympho', I wouldn't want any of you to get the wrong impression. It's just that when they're working, they are surrounded by male stewards with big gold chains and big collections of Judy Garland records, and between flights, they can get just a bit desperate for the real thing.
Logged
"Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book; inside of a dog, it's very dark" Groucho Marx

tigertiger

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 7,830
  • Location: Kunming, city of eternal springtime, SW China.
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #320 on: August 23, 2007, 02:08:53 am »



 She knew all the flying jokes, including an acronym for almost every airline on earth, the old BEA was 'Britain's Excuse for an Airline', BOAC was 'Better On A Camel, and my favourite was Alitalia, 'Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival, but Qantas was also a good one. 'Queers ANd Nymphos Travel Australian Style'.

some for
Sabena - Such A Bloddy Experience Never Again

And my all time favourite

Lufthansa - Let Us F*** The Hostess As No Stewardesses Available
Logged
The only stupid question is the one I didn't ask

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24,050
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #321 on: August 23, 2007, 04:18:44 pm »


Lake Toho, Florida. May 2007 - Just launched the jet ski's, selected "R" instead of "D."
 
Regards
Geoff Pyatt
Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

Ghost in the shell

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,704
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #322 on: August 23, 2007, 05:01:29 pm »

A friend of mine flew to Tennerife, only to hear this from the pilot at the start of the flight "this is your dan air flight to Tennerife, We will be holding a cruising altitude of 30 thousand feet and will arrive at 13:00 local time as long as knicker elastic holds plane together"
Logged
Go Nuclear!  you'll love it

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24,050
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #323 on: August 24, 2007, 09:56:41 pm »



















The Maldives | 15 April marks the day that the first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world opens its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. It will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.

"We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives ", says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. "Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives , so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views - without ever getting their feet wet."

Created by MJ Murphy Ltd, a design consultancy based in New Zealand , Ithaa's distinctive feature is the use of curved transparent acrylic walls and roof, similar to those used in aquarium attractions. "The fact that the entire restaurant except for the floor is made of clear acrylic makes this unique in the world," continues Schieck, "We are currently planting a coral garden on the reef to add to the spectacular views of the rays, sharks and many colourful fish that live around the area.






Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

RickF

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 917
  • Black, white and buff - not grey!
  • Location: Norfolk UK
Re: Jokes / Humour
« Reply #324 on: August 24, 2007, 11:57:26 pm »

I reckon the blonde in the penultimate photo is saying "I'd like that one, grilled, with a portion of fries and a side salad!"

Rick
Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 [13] 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.056 seconds with 17 queries.