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[John W E]

Aye Colin and Tugboat Ken, now see what you've started  so he did put the wrong colour bulb in his tugboat mast or was it the mast of his tugboat 

Aye
John E
BLUEBIRD

[White Ensign]

Ken, you have forgotten:

3 who feel offended by a light-bulb post
2 who claim to Martin to ban this post
4 who send PM`s to ask about the colour of the bulb, which may occure a different technic in changing as for clear or white bulbs
11 who offer to send a copy of the local yellow pages to find an electrian in your neighborhood
5 who can`t recon the problem, telling you: Light a candle instead


Jörg

[White Ensign]

Gentlemen, now coming up with a good one...- for you as technic-freaks you will probably understand the problem of this lad....

Dear John,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs? Phone rings but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I
can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her. I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and
then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the
valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it
back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

[anmo]

A Swiss tourist visiting Australia pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. ‘Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?’ he asks. The two Aussies just stare at him. ‘Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?’ he tries. The two continue to stare. ‘Parlano italiano?’ No response. ‘Hablan ustedes español?’ Still nothing. The Swiss bloke drives off, somewhat piqued. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.’ ‘Why?’ asks his mate. ‘That ba5tard knew four and it didn’t do him any bloody good.’ "

[roycv]

Perfection

A man walked into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.  He gets in to the taxi, and the cabbie says, "perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."

 Passenger: "who?"

 Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.  He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"

 Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could've won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could play golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should've heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."

 Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 Cabbie: "There's more...  he had a memory like a computer.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat it with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a  fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

 Cabbie: "he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he  never made a mistake."

 Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

 Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she were in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was a perfect man!  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

 Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 Cabbie: "I married his d****d widow."

Cheers all Roy

[White Ensign]

O.K.- this one was send to me from one of my mates in the UK.... hope you`ll like it:

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched  the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of  tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either".

[DickyD]

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday boating. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,

don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle,

besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,!

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,

absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about

unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football
the offside rule, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Richard :-* :-*

[JayDee]

The Bathtub Test

 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

 "Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a  teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to  empty the bathtub."

 "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the  bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

" Do you want a bed near the window?"

[omra85]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow field.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear.

I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

'Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours'!


I don't remember much after that.
.....................................................................................

Moral - never play with your wife, it's too risky.

Danny

[HS93 (RIP)]

Subject:  Birth Control


 
After having their 11th child, a Southampton couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
 
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
 
The Saints supporter said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putt'n a firework in a beer can next
to me ear is gonna help me."
 
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
 
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs, so
he could continue counting on his other hand . . . . ..
 
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex,
Sunderland, Aberdeen, Carntyne and anywhere in Wales.
 
 
 

[bluesy]

it works in Quebec, Newfoundland and most of the southern US.

[omra85]

With the ides of March approaching, here's a real "was it worth the read" joke.

It was Julius Ceaser's birthday and he was extremely annoyed that no-one appeared to have remembered.
As he was being driven to the Senate in his chariot, he considered how he would extract revenge on everyone.
Turning the last corner into the main Senate drive, his eyes lit up as he gazed along the twin rows of crucified Christians lining each side of the road. 
"They did remember" he cried, and ordered his driver to slow down so that he could appreciate the spectacle.
As they approached the last one, he could see the man's head lolling from side to side and his lips moving.
"Stop the chariot" he commanded, and got off.  "This one's still alive, and he's trying to say something.  Get me a ladder" he ordered the driver.
When the ladder arrived, Julius climbed up and said to the man "speak up, what are you saying"? 
As Julius leaned closer, the Christian summoned his last remaining strength and in a quavering, sing-song voice said -
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
"Happy Birthday day to you, Happy Birthday to you ...............


(I'm now going to hide)
Danny

[White Ensign]

Danny- did you have listen to often to Monty Python? 

Jörg

[MikeK]

Here's one for the golfers and engineers :

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

MikeK
 

[White Ensign]

An old couple went to bed. After a while they switched off the light and turned their ways.

5 minutes later the husband recon, that his wife still was turning around in bed. He switched on the light and said: "Darling, here is your headache-tablett".

"I don`t have headache", was the answer.

He dropped his pyjama-trouser and started to smile... "O.k. then, let`s go for it!"

[omra85]

NATO Investigators, the American army, and the Metropolitan Police all claim to be the best at apprehending terrorists.
 
The Home Secretary decides to test them by releasing a rabbit into a forest which each of them, in turn, has to try to catch.

The NATO Investigators go in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The American army then goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and refuse to apologise. "The rabbit had it coming to it".

The Metropolitan Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten fox. The fox is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[White Ensign]

... and the German Police would be blamed for not caring about the rights of the rabbit for asylum......

[DickyD]

One for the Scousers.

Letter sent to an agony aunt

lI am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser. 

[Abuelo3]

I'm sorry, but the history about the rabbit is not a joke, it is the only and principal theory in criminal investigation of the Mexican police, but the animal was an elephant

[omra85]

Hi Godo
The rabbit joke, like many good jokes has probably been all around the world (a few times sometimes - eh, Richard - not you, the scouser joke)
I freely admit, I "modified" it from an Indian version (don't ask) ???
The thing I love about this site is the fact that we put our jokes up, expecting nothing but hoping it will amuse our friends.  Another site which shall remain nameless, has one joke put up - and 15 posts to say it was a good joke!
Expect nothing - and you won't be dissapointed
Danny

[bluesy]

Grandma's Day in Court

 Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't
 prepared for the answer. As so was the case for a small-town Southern
 prosecuting attorney. He called his first witness, who was an elderly
 Grandmother, to the stand. He approached her in his lawyer tone, trying to
 scare the witness. To try and show her creditability as a witness, he
 asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
 you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
 You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
 them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
 brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
 paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The prosecuting lawyer was stunned, but the congregation and defence
 lawyer were amused. Confused and not knowing what else to do, the lawyer
 pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence
 attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's a lazy bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he too cheated on his wife, with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

 The defence attorney almost died, as along with the prosecuting lawyer, who
 was standing there very stunned. The Judge quickly banged his gavel on
 the desk and commanded both counsellors to approach his bench!! Then in a
 very quiet, but forceful voice, the Judge said, "If either of you idiots asks
 her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Ghost in the shell]

what did a German police officer say to his nipples?




YOU ARE UNDER A VEST!

[ambernblu]

 

A bit like the old Albert RN joke when the Germans eventually cottoned on and arrested 'him' saying...

........................ 'VE HAF VAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK!' 

[Ghost in the shell]

wander if the officer lived in 999 letsby avenue?

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that,



you can't have your kayak and heat it too.