Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 136214 times)

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #150 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:53:25 pm »

Last time I got a hug like that from my good lady, my wallet was missing afterwards!

wullie/mk2 · « **Reply #151 on:** July 23, 2012, 01:26:01 pm »

Quote from: dreadnought72 on June 22, 2012, 11:19:23 am

I do this one - and all my wooden stirrers are singed at both ends!

Andy

no use with a gas cooker, all i did was set off the smoke alarm

U-33 · « **Reply #152 on:** July 23, 2012, 11:34:50 pm »

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Wee Johnny: "Seven, Miss."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how
many would you have?"

Wee Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. I f I gave you 2 apples and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many would you have?"

Wee Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will
you have?"

Wee Johnny: "SEVEN!!!"

A very angry Teacher: "How do you get seven?!?!?"

A very angry Wee Johnny: "Because I already have a perishin' cat!"

grasshopper · « **Reply #153 on:** July 23, 2012, 11:52:37 pm »

There was I, sat in Costa's coffee reading the paper when the over whelming urge to break wind came over me....
the music seemed loud and coming to a crescendo so at the appropriate moment I let rip - I felt so much better.
A few minutes later it happened again, knowing the music that was playing I thought I'd wait and repeat the relieving moment - fantastic.

Then I looked round and everyone was staring at me ....I'd forgotten I was listening to my iPod.

U-33 · « **Reply #154 on:** July 24, 2012, 09:18:42 am »

The newest BBQ fad... the "Redneck Turtle Burger". Take a burger, wrap it in bacon, stick in some hotdogs, throw it on the grill for 20-30 minutes. A little crispy, not too crunchy...just how a turtle should be?

armc40 · « **Reply #155 on:** July 24, 2012, 12:21:45 pm »

or as they say in Newcastle....'turtle carnage' !

armc40 · « **Reply #156 on:** July 31, 2012, 01:38:53 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #157 on:** August 12, 2012, 09:42:53 pm »

Olympics 2012: The Games' most painful moments http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/19230791

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #158 on:** August 14, 2012, 05:23:34 pm »

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years London riots....

Your one year manufacturers warrantee runs out soon.

catengineman · « **Reply #159 on:** August 14, 2012, 09:00:55 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #160 on:** August 21, 2012, 02:47:32 pm »

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443

armc40 · « **Reply #161 on:** August 21, 2012, 04:16:10 pm »

A drunk walked up to a barman one day and said, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The Barman said "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reached into his pocket and pulled out a hamster and placed him behind the piano, and the hamster started to play the sweetest jazz riff the barman had ever heard.

He poured the man his drink,and the man, after finishing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barman said "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.The man reached into his other pocket and pulled out a frog, sets it on top of the piano, and the hamster starts singing along with the hamster.
Impressed, the barman started to pour drinks as fast as the drunk could drink 'em.
After several hours, a theatrical agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asked the barman who it belonged to. The barman pointed to the man who was passed out on the floor. The agent woke him up and said, "I will give you a million quid for that act." The man said "not for sale", so the agent said, "Ok, 100 thousand quid for just the singing frog.
"The drunk said, "OK deal" The agent wrote the cheque and left with the frog. The barman looked at the drunk and says, "Are you crazy? You had a million pound act there that you just broke up for a measly 100 thousand....WHY"

The Drunk said, "Don't worry, the hamster's a ventriloquist"

sailorboy61 · « **Reply #162 on:** August 21, 2012, 04:36:47 pm »

Quote from: Martin - Admin on August 12, 2012, 09:42:53 pm

Olympics 2012: The Games' most painful moments http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/19230791

oapanglais · « **Reply #163 on:** August 24, 2012, 09:51:22 am »

The Traffic Warden's Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done."

Andyn · « **Reply #164 on:** August 24, 2012, 09:51:27 pm »

In the Private Eye today...

U-33 · « **Reply #165 on:** August 25, 2012, 10:28:54 am »

armc40 · « **Reply #166 on:** August 25, 2012, 12:47:05 pm »

http://s1090.photobucket.com/albums/i368/beaulieu95/?action=view&current=ooer.mp4

Tug-Kenny RIP · « **Reply #167 on:** August 25, 2012, 08:26:18 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #168 on:** August 30, 2012, 03:51:30 pm »

My lunch tasted funny today.... a bit thicker than normal.

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #169 on:** September 03, 2012, 01:46:13 pm »

The Camel herder.

An Arab Camel train herder walked into a very crowded bar in Central Australia and was about to order a drink when he saw a guy wearing a Jewish cap (yarmulke), a prayer shawl (tzitzis), and sporting the traditional locks of hair of a Jew.

The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was shouting everyone a drink except for that Jewish fellow.

After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriated the Arab.

Once again, the Arab loudly shouted drinks for everyone - except the Jew.

But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"

The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've shouted two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly "bxxxxr" did was to smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”

"Nope," replied the bartender, "He owns the place!"

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #170 on:** September 10, 2012, 11:46:13 am »

Marriage Lessons

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.

It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

U-33 · « **Reply #171 on:** September 10, 2012, 01:16:15 pm »

If this doesn't pass the mods test, I will understand...but I thought it was funny. Being the love machine that I am...

Tug-Kenny RIP · « **Reply #172 on:** September 10, 2012, 07:19:10 pm »

It made me smile so it's up to Martin.

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #173 on:** September 10, 2012, 10:00:37 pm »

Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

RAAArtyGunner · « **Reply #174 on:** September 21, 2012, 01:28:47 pm »

A simple pointer used by smart husband's

Please fell free to share and good luck

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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4 (Read 136214 times)

catengineman