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[dodgy geezer]

plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.....

[hdserv]

grow some dope plant a politician

[RaaArtyGunner]

JACK (age 3)

was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

 

 

STEVEN (age 3)

hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

 

 

BRITTANY (age 4)

had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

 

 

SUSAN (age 4)

was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

 

DJ (age 4)

stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

 

 

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

 

 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 

 

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

 

 

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

 

 

This particular Sunday sermon...

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

This would have to be the best bargain ever

but wait a minute is it  

[RaaArtyGunner]

 What did you expect you never pass up a good sale

[truman06]

Has anyone seen the T mobile version of the royal wedding?

[truman06]

This is 100% true

[The long Build]

Yes I have posted a link on the main thread a few days ago.. Thought it was great.

[RaaArtyGunner]

Setting the scene.
Julia Gillard is Australia's current Prime Minister.
She has recently has been accused by the opposition of lying and nicknamed Juliar

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he
Saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
On earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
Indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's  the Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Lord has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

[ben hall]

LOL

[garston1]

Alerts to terror threats throughout Europe 2011

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from ""xxxxx" Off" to "Let's get the barstard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[richtea]

 

[garston1]

The Irish SAS were in trouble today after smashing their way into marks and spencers. It seems they heard summer bed linen was on the second floor!

[RaaArtyGunner]

AHA so the Yanks faked it, he is not dead it is a conspiracy 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Five Horses Is Her Name this is mythical and deep.


Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?

The Old Indian answered,

"It old Indian Name.  It mean...


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[Martin (Admin)]

Click here for more Jokes & Humour!  -  http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=33854.msg298425#msg298425

[RantandRave]

Click here for  Jokes and Humour 2  -    http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=8212.msg298407#msg298407

[john44]

In a local secure mental hospital 2 patients were due for a review to see if they were well enough to go home.
They were both given a little box which contained a spider, and they were asked to study the spider for 1 week to see what they
can find out about them.
After the week the patients were called to the review room to tell of their findings, the first patient went in and stated
 I have found out that spiders can hang upside down, spin web,s, they are hairy, & they have 8 legs.
The review board thanked the patient and asked him to wait outside.
The next patient went in opened the little box he was given and emptied the spider onto the table.
He told the spider to roll over the spider did just that, he then told it to stand on its front 2 legs which to the amazement of the panel it did, he told it to come to him, which it did, he picked it up and pulled its legs off.
He placed the spider back onto the table and told it to roll over, it did,nt he asked it to stand on its head, it did,nt
Stunned, one of the panel asked, what did you find out about spiders.
He said if you pull the legs of a spider it goes deaf.


no animals were hurt during the telling of this joke

[RaaArtyGunner]

Old quiz but may be applicable some Mayhemers
 

DEMENTIA  QUIZ:


     FIRST QUESTION:


YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON,WHAT POSITION ARE YOU  IN?





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 

ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?

 


SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL  DOWN)





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~
 
 





ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
  WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?



THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.




TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?



SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 
 
 

DID YOU GET 5000?


THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?   

MAYBE  YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1.     NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI,  4. NONO, AND ??? 2.     WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 
 

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!





OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:




A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?







~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~





IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!



~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY
 

[Martin (Admin)]

 

[Martin (Admin)]

  When I got home from work last night,  my wife demanded that I  take her out, to some place expensive..................

      So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!



           .... we're not talking at the moment....

[Colin Bishop]

You couldn't make it up....!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13537084

Colin

[jimmy2310]

Theres an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman and they all go to the fair, they stop by a sign that reads "MAGIC SLIDE< ANYTHING YOU SHOUT WHILST GOING DOWN THE SLIDE WILL FILL THE POOL AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SLIDE"

they decide to have a go, the Englishman shouts "BEER" and has a good drink before leaving the pool.

The Scotsman goes next shouting "WHISKEY" and again has a good drink.

The Irishman goes last and he enjoys the ride so much he forgets about the magic and as he descends shouts "WEEEEEEEEEEE"

 

[pettyofficernick]

        
        
        
        Did you hear about the 72 year old guy who loved to fish.
        



        He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

        He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

        He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

        again,'Pick me up.'

        He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

        The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

        The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'   Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
        I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

        The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

        The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

        He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,



        'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'



        With age comes wisdom.  

        
        

 

[Grub]

Police have found naked photos of Miss Piggy in Kermit's garden, a spokesperson said it was Frogs Porn.