Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3 (Read 178258 times)

truman06 · « **Reply #500 on:** June 30, 2011, 05:12:36 pm »

very true

truman06 · « **Reply #501 on:** June 30, 2011, 05:13:53 pm »

haha looks like the missus 2!

truman06 · « **Reply #502 on:** June 30, 2011, 05:14:08 pm »

lol great gag

jimmy2310 · « **Reply #503 on:** July 01, 2011, 03:21:02 pm »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

John W E · « **Reply #504 on:** July 02, 2011, 07:12:57 pm »

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords"

jimmy2310 · « **Reply #505 on:** July 02, 2011, 07:51:47 pm »

a fat woman goes to the doctors and asks'what's the easiest
exercise i can do to help me lose weight?'

he replies, 'shake ur head from side to side,'

she asks 'how often should i do this?'

Doctor says 'everytime you're offered food.

john44 · « **Reply #506 on:** July 02, 2011, 10:00:47 pm »

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #507 on:** July 04, 2011, 04:56:39 am »

This could be a timely reminder to all the part kitters and full kitters to ensure that full, clear and precise instructions are always included.

Otherwise, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N10j4XjEqzM ............................

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #508 on:** July 04, 2011, 08:16:41 pm »

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #509 on:** July 06, 2011, 10:31:39 pm »

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #510 on:** July 11, 2011, 03:27:30 am »

Note, be on guard for this invidious invasion which is leaving our shores.

"Contains No Artificial Comfort or Sympathy"

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu.

Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together...

Patrick Henry · « **Reply #511 on:** July 12, 2011, 07:23:11 am »

malcolmfrary · « **Reply #512 on:** July 12, 2011, 10:09:53 am »

Quote

enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder'

If that happens, something is seriously amiss.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #513 on:** July 13, 2011, 09:47:48 pm »

..... The awkward moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked.

sparky · « **Reply #514 on:** July 13, 2011, 10:36:37 pm »

Damned if you do ------- damned if you don't

some choice !!!!!!

hmsantrim · « **Reply #515 on:** July 15, 2011, 11:36:42 pm »

I have heard of some modellers being camera shy but ?????

wibplus · « **Reply #516 on:** July 16, 2011, 09:10:57 am »

Aaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmm ! Mrs. HMSantrim ???

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #517 on:** July 18, 2011, 11:13:13 am »

Just goes to show, that somewhere, the whole world over, somebody cares for you

RaaArtyGunner · « **Reply #518 on:** July 19, 2011, 03:33:38 am »

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth..

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

thebackways · « **Reply #519 on:** July 19, 2011, 01:02:24 pm »

not really all that funny, but freaking awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXsfGVVGb-Y&feature=related

dear santa.... ^_^

Ghost in the shell · « **Reply #520 on:** July 19, 2011, 07:15:54 pm »

***news flash**

We are sorry to report the passing of the pillsbury dough boy, aged 77.
after suffering a severe yeast infection, Mr Pillsbury Dough Boy leaves a wife, Play Dough,
a son John Dough
and two daughters, Jane Dough and Dilldough.

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #521 on:** July 20, 2011, 09:39:48 am »

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
(or day names in any other language)

jimmy2310 · « **Reply #522 on:** July 20, 2011, 09:49:04 am »

yesterday,today,tomorrow.

pugwash · « **Reply #523 on:** July 20, 2011, 09:51:16 am »

how about the day before yesterday, yesterday, and today

Geoff

Martin (Admin) · « **Reply #524 on:** July 20, 2011, 10:31:49 am »

News:

Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3 (Read 178258 times)

truman06

truman06

truman06

jimmy2310

jimmy2310

john44

RaaArtyGunner

RaaArtyGunner

Patrick Henry

sparky

hmsantrim

wibplus

RaaArtyGunner

RaaArtyGunner

jimmy2310

pugwash