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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3  (Read 178258 times)

Canopus

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #550 on: August 09, 2011, 02:04:29 pm »
A man says he used to be a skizophrenic,

But I'm all right now,

And so am I !!
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Howard Q

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #551 on: August 09, 2011, 10:33:28 pm »
Is that the same man who said he used to be indecisive, but now he not so sure.
Howard
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mickyrubble

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #552 on: August 10, 2011, 12:59:36 am »
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE WITH SKIZOPHRENIA..
 :-) ok2 ;) :-)) %) :o :} :D :embarrassed: ;D O0 {-) %% {:-{ :(( >:-o >>:-( <*< <:( 8) :P :-X :kiss: :police:
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pettyofficernick

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #553 on: August 12, 2011, 04:09:14 pm »
     

     
    THE HYPNOTIST

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

     
    Claude the hypnotist explained:

    "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

    "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

    It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"


     

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

    "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ..

     

    " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

    Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke,

    it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "poop!" said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

    Claude was never invited back to entertain.  {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) %% %% %% %% %% :-))
     
     
     
     

 
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #554 on: August 14, 2011, 10:31:28 pm »

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend

trip to West Kickatinalong.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,

and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time, when one of them realized she

hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear,

staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her,

swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

 

 

 
 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #555 on: August 14, 2011, 10:41:26 pm »
.
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meechingman

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #556 on: August 16, 2011, 09:41:53 am »
Front page news headline from our local paper this week. The council's latest initiative.

NEW BID TO STAMP OUT DOG FOULING

All very laudable, but it's going to be murder scraping it off their boots.  :-) :D
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #557 on: August 16, 2011, 09:58:13 am »
There's an auction for the stuff?
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #558 on: August 16, 2011, 12:07:51 pm »

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

 

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

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john s 2

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #559 on: August 16, 2011, 07:55:21 pm »
Knowing what my local council is like theyed miss or stamp on the wrong thing. They did try a type of Hoover
Just glad i didnt have to clean it out John.
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richtea

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #560 on: August 16, 2011, 08:47:33 pm »
It's not LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME,
the secret is to hide the silly grin when your proved right.
Regards
Richard  :}
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #561 on: August 17, 2011, 08:01:39 am »
%) %) %)


Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
   
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..  I  sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
 
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
 
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
 
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
 
When Paddy found out he was furious..   

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.             
 

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
 
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
 
 
 
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RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #562 on: August 17, 2011, 08:10:29 am »
Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
almost dead?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do banks charge a
fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does

someone
>
Believe you
when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say
the paint is still wet?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why doesn't
Tarzan have a beard?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does
Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do Kamikaze
pilots wear helmets?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whose idea
was it to put an 'S'
in the word 'lisp'?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that
no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there ever
a day that mattresses
are not on sale?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people
constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do
people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then
reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more
chance?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it
that no plastic bag will open
from the end on your first try?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do those
dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we are
in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes
for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'

Well, it isn't all right,
so why don't we say,

'That really hurt, why don't
you watch where you're going?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that
whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In winter why
do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How come you
never hear father-in-law jokes?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 O0 O0 O0


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #563 on: August 17, 2011, 09:26:09 am »
The wife and I ......
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #564 on: August 17, 2011, 10:17:32 pm »


But which is which?


Think very carefully before you answer      be afraid very afraid   :}
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Don't Assume Check

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #565 on: August 17, 2011, 11:31:42 pm »

Mmmmmmm! MmmMMmmmmmm mmmmmnnnmmmmmngh!    :P
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tt1

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #566 on: August 18, 2011, 12:40:05 am »
The  male is usually the most colourful --- you choose!!
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richtea

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #567 on: August 18, 2011, 12:54:42 am »
tt1 is correct, the male has the bib, the female is the dowdy one,
so looks like Martin won that battle .
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #568 on: August 18, 2011, 01:19:04 am »
But, who will win the War and the last word O0 O0 %) %)
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #569 on: August 18, 2011, 03:09:09 am »
I thought the deep & meaningful.......  >>:-(  was never bite the hand that feeds you..... {-) ......Derek
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Derek Warner

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Illawarra Live Steamers Co-op
Australia
www.ils.org.au

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #570 on: August 18, 2011, 09:24:19 am »
Quote from: richtea on August 18, 2011, 12:54:42 am
tt1 is correct, the male has the bib, the female is the dowdy one,
so looks like Martin won that battle .

Then why do I have a black eye?!?!?  8)
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richtea

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #571 on: August 18, 2011, 11:24:54 am »

Dear Martin,
I said won the battle,
NOT the war.
Regards
Richard
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tony52

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #572 on: August 19, 2011, 02:08:18 pm »
A good days sailing should bring a smile to your face!


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Capt Podge

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #573 on: August 22, 2011, 01:22:46 pm »
1. The latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary has had the word "gullible" removed.  %)

2. What's the difference between in-laws & outlaws ?  Outlaws are "wanted".  {-) {-)

Old quips but still quite funny !

Regards,

Ray.
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essex2visuvesi

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #574 on: August 22, 2011, 01:32:44 pm »
And why are the no father in law jokes?
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