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[dreadnought72]

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go deer hunting.

They eventually find a deer in a clearing 200 yards from their position.

The physicist does a ballistics calculation - based on the powder charge, the mass of the bullet, and the range - as a result, he raises the rifle the required 1.47 degrees and fires. The bullet lands 10 yards in front of the deer. He's neglected air resistance.

The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, considers the wind and drag, adds in a fudge factor for good measure, raises the rifle 1.69 degrees, and fires. The bullet lands 10 yards beyond the deer.

The statistician yells "we got him!"

[RaaArtyGunner]

Is this an example of a mayhemmer not keeping up with latest technology

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB09TRxHbaA

[jimmy2310]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[jimmy2310]

[pugwash]

I like it.

Geoff

[geoff p]

Are you heading this way, too?

Geoff

[jimmy2310]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:




Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway
129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: " No Kidding! What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[jimmy2310]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a b*tch.....

[Roadrunner]

Sure i heard this one before still makes my chuckle, not so much at the joke but some company's really are that stupid 

[jimmy2310]

A Man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties! He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a HappyMeal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you Bl**dy idiot !!!'

[Roadrunner]

LOL!

....


Only 3 more posts and you earned the right to flog something on here   

[jimmy2310]

a pirate walks up to a bar..... the bartender notices a ships helm(steering wheel) sticking out of the pirates crotch. he pretends not to notice and asks the pirate what he would like to drink...
the pirate replies "arr, a bottle of rum" the bartender complies and the pirate drinks his bottle of rum.
after the bartender sees the pirate is nice and toasty he feels he can now ask, without sounding rude, "doesn't that thing bother you??'

the pirate replies "arr, it's drivin me nuts"

 

[jimmy2310]

Murphy phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" says he... "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
..."No, this is her husband, Kevin, just get me the bl**dy' ambulance will ya?! and stop askin stupid questions."

[jimmy2310]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,
he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord was quiet for a time, and then He said, "Your wish is very
materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking
The supports to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take!! I can do it, but I find it difficult to justify your WORLDLY
desire. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify me."

The man thought and thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord
I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what
they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say, 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Roadrunner]

I though his name was Murphy not Kevin 

[RaaArtyGunner]

It's a Kevin Murphy,   

[pettyofficernick]

  Hope this one doesn't break the rules.


Irish Coffee   

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it..
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbuck’s again!'

 

 
     
 

[jimmy2310]

There was an English man, A Scots man, and an Irish man. They were all painting a cliff.

It came to around 11.00 A.M and they decided to have an extended lunch break.

So they pulled their sandwiches from their bags and took a look at what they had.

The English man looks in his sandwich and says, "bloody hell, cheese again. If i get cheese tomorrow, i swear I'm jumping off this cliff"

The Scots man looks and says "same here, cheese again"

They all look at the Irish man and he has a frown on his face. "cheese again"

The next day they climb the cliff and when it comes to lunch time they all pull out their sandwiches. They look at each other, and sure enough they all have cheese.

"Right" the English man says "i have had enough" and jumps from the cliff.

The Scots man says, "well i have a dentist appointment tomorrow" and jumps from the cliff

The Irish man shouts " i don't want to die" and jumps from the cliff.

It comes to their funerals and the three wives are mourning over their husbands.

The English wife says " he was so stubborn but never complained"

The Scottish wife says "he loved life and was always sweet"

The Irish wife says " i don't understand, he made his own sandwiches"

[jimmy2310]

An alcoholic goes to the doctors for a check up.
the doctor checks him out.
well I cant find anything wrong with you sir...maybe its the drink?
The alcoholic replies ah don't worry about it doc I'll come back when your sober

[jimmy2310]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he is on his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer
grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and
looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a
glimpse"

[jimmy2310]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend

trip to West Kickatinalong.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and

the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time, when one of them realized she

hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate..
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the

Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard

and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

 

 

 

[Shipmate60]

So true as my wife tells me:

The Knack

Bob

[craftysod]

That is so true,Liz has got you spot on 
Mark

[jimmy2310]

Ive just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.


Jimmy