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[essex2visuvesi]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91DSNL1BEeY

[catengineman]

  Brings a smile to my face thanks

[yewgarth]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are "xxxxx" because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece !!!!!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Martin (Admin)]

My mate asked me to help him with his Crossword earlier as he was struggling with 4 down.
 
 "What's the clue?" I asked.
 
"Overworked postman." He said.
 
"How many letters?"

 
"Hundreds, maybe thousands!"

[Martin (Admin)]

COSMIC LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone
That a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Martin (Admin)]

 Catch the Apples - http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g2/applegame.htm

[catengineman]

Arrgh Martin

Please I did have things to do but now I'll be stuck catching apples   

[Martin (Admin)]

 

[dave301bounty]

Martin ,were did you dig them from . Irishman in jaol ,warder looks thro spyhole to check sees irishman hangin by feet ,goes in and tells him hes a fool ,you put it round y,head ,irishman says he couldnt breath .

[mikearace]

Good luck to Roy Hodgson as England Manager.  Harry Redknap was approached by the FA first and asked what he thought about the Euros and said as long as they are in unmarked 20s and 50s its okay by him.

[Wetwater]

                  Two paddies were working for the city public works department.

                  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

                  They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to

                  the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole,

                  the other filling it in again.

                  An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they

                  were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two

                  are putting in to your work, but I don't get it…..why do you dig a hole, only to

                 have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

                 The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks

                 odd because we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants

                 the trees called in sick."

[essex2visuvesi]

A driver was stuck in  a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire so we are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man  replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Dave13]

LOL      Now how wouldn't want to set fire to an MP!!

[sjoormen]

 

[Martin (Admin)]

 

[Bob K]

Is it the instruction booklet for the Apple laptop, the iPad or the Smartphone ?

[RAAArtyGunner]

Easy it is a manual notebook 

[Kangaroo1]

Scientists are now claiming that beer contains female hormones....

I think they might be right... because after 8 pints I talk nonsense and can't drive!

[dreadnought72]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his 'blinking' widow."

 

[sailorboy61]

     

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his 'blinking' widow."

 

[chingdevil]

 

I just don't understand my wife. She's always nagging me to keep things around the house fixed up..........

I replaced the broken door latch on her car.


I installed new taps on the kitchen sink.



I fixed the sagging kitchen cabinets.
 


I replaced the rotten steps by the front door.



She wanted a Porta-Potty" for when we went camping.



She wanted more privacy in the bathroom.




I fixed everything she wanted.......
And still, she isn't happy....!

[Martin (Admin)]

More 'good ideas' .....

Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn’t fit in the sink


 

Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on, and keep paint off the side of the can  



Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring!



Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.   (Sidenote: this really does work, I’ve tried it!!)




Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking up on you while wearing headphones at work


 

How to keep the straw from rising out of your fizzy drink can  



Use a post it note to catch drilling debris.



Use a Comb to hold a Nail Steady for Hammering



Use a microfiber cloth to prevent frost from forming on the windscreen.

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

That Brilliant.  Those images will stay with us and be useful in the future.

Very clever sideways thinking.   


ken

[dreadnought72]

Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.   (Sidenote: this really does work, I’ve tried it!!)

I do this one - and all my wooden stirrers are singed at both ends! 

Andy

[Martin (Admin)]

From BBC radio 4's - "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue!"
 http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qnwb

I Claudius - Apple's new app - Digital Dictator

Stannah have a new stair chair lifts that goes so fast, it get you upstairs or down before you forgot why you was going!