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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 226671 times)

Wetwater

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #275 on: October 06, 2008, 11:08:18 pm »

OOPs. I expect there were a few red faces  :embarrassed: and a lot of explaining to do.  >>:-(
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #276 on: October 07, 2008, 12:36:53 pm »

Heck of a way to hand in your notice.
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amdaylight

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #277 on: October 07, 2008, 05:03:35 pm »

What in the **&^ was somebody NOT thinking. If you need a longer reach tou get a bigger crane. You never erect a crane on a structure because that is what will happen. I really hope that no one got hurt in this screw up.

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
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grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #278 on: October 09, 2008, 01:05:56 pm »

A rancher got in his pickup, drove to the neighbor's ranch and knocked on the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borra one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter Pearly Mae pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You'd have to talk to Pa about that.
I know Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog.
I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #279 on: October 09, 2008, 01:27:39 pm »

Was somebody NOT thinking. If you need a longer reach tou get a bigger crane. You never erect a crane on a structure because that is what will happen. I really hope that no one got hurt in this screw up.

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon

Whenever I've seen cranes set up, they always put timber under the out riggers......
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #280 on: October 10, 2008, 08:51:28 am »

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.



'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'



'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.. That makes eleven!'



Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'



'Begoora!' says Paddy.. 'I'll have to ring you back.'



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'



'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.



'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'



Sarkozy sighs amused.. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'



'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'



Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'



Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'



'Lord, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'



Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'



'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'



'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'



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Damien

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #281 on: October 15, 2008, 05:38:11 am »

Two Retired Marines in San Diego were sitting down for a break in
their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready yet, with only
a
few shelves set up.  One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now
some
idiot sailor is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
ask
what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
crusty
old Retired Navy Chief walked to the  window, had a peek, and in a
thick
salty accent asked,  "What the #*/@ are you selling in here?"
One of the Marines replied sarcastically, "we're selling  'idiots!'"
Without skipping a beat, the Old Chief said, "You're doin' well
then...
only two left!"

Marines, God bless them, should not mess with a Navy  Chief.

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #282 on: October 17, 2008, 07:45:08 pm »


There's a lot of stress around and very little good news around at the moment.......

Come on folks, lets keeps our collective chins up! "Noli nothis permittere te terere."

What's made you smile recently?  :-))



The Effects of Alcohol

After 6 beers
 


After 2 glasses of wine

 

After 2 bottles of wine - Shared of course

 

After too many margaritas



 
After 3 Kamikazes

 

After 7 Rum & Cokes

 


After 1 large purple haze

 

After 3 Martinis

 


After 1 bottle of Tequila

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Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #283 on: October 17, 2008, 07:51:33 pm »


An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.  When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband
spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said  "She also stole a can of peas."


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craftysod

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #284 on: October 17, 2008, 08:53:34 pm »

 {-) brilliant
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Roger in France

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #285 on: October 18, 2008, 06:15:40 am »

You like jokes about Courts?......

Two local Magistrates were both charged with speeding. They responded to their summonses but when arriving on the alloted day they found nobody but themselves present.

The first Magistrate said to the second, "We could sort this all out between us. I'll hear your case and you can hear mine".

Having read the charge and received a plea of guilty the first Magistrate said to his colleague, "I fine you £10".

The second Magistrate went and sat on the bench and having heard the case he said to the first Magistrate, "This is the second case of this before the Court today. I shall have to make an example of you. Fined £50".

...

An elderly crofter is brought before the Sheriffs Court charged with possessing the equipment to illegally distill whisky. "But I never made a drop he said. This was old equipment kept from my grandfather's day". "Never the less said the Sheriff, you were in possession of the equipment and I must find you guilty as charged".

"In that case," said the crofter, "You had better charge me with rape". Shocked, the Sheriff said, "Why have you committed rape?". "No," said the crofter, "But I have the equipment".

Roger in France.
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #286 on: October 18, 2008, 07:34:59 am »

Martin- there is one mistake in your pictures....:

Who can live after 3 Kamikazes?  Just a very successless pilot....  {-)


Jörg
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andyn

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #287 on: October 18, 2008, 03:44:45 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #288 on: October 18, 2008, 06:06:02 pm »


It was a photo finish at the WORLD SUBMARINE RACING CHAMPIONSHIPS  2008

 
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #289 on: October 18, 2008, 06:08:29 pm »

Head for heights?
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amdaylight

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #290 on: October 18, 2008, 06:57:06 pm »


There's a lot of stress around and very little good news around at the moment.......

Come on folks, lets keeps our collective chins up! "Noli nothis permittere te terere."

What's made you smile recently?  :-))


Thanks  O0  :-)) {-) {-) :-)) O0

Andre
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Shipmate60

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #291 on: October 18, 2008, 07:16:59 pm »

Having an "Arresting" break ashore in Portsmouth Virginia.

Bob
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #292 on: October 18, 2008, 07:44:52 pm »

Bob, you can get arrested for that!  :o

has SWMBO seem the picture?

Colin
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #293 on: October 20, 2008, 09:00:18 pm »

An elderly couple were 85 and 86 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said:

'You and your &%+*?ß- bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'



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grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #294 on: October 22, 2008, 12:28:30 am »

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

 St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

 God says 'We are over quota on Gypos. Go out and tell them to choose
 between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen  in.'

 Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again.

 'They've gone,' he tells God.
 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
 'No, the gates'

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Wetwater

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #295 on: October 22, 2008, 10:26:14 pm »

     :-))  Can I stop laughing now.   {-)   My sides are aching too much. 
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barryfoote

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #296 on: October 23, 2008, 08:46:29 am »

Sent to me by an Irishman...

Paddy is asked to visit the mortuary to identify the head of his wife which had been found on a beach. The assistant lifts the head up and asks "Is this your wife Sir?" Paddy thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "I don't think so Sur. She wasn't that tall"...
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grasshopper

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #297 on: October 23, 2008, 11:47:55 am »

We seem to be getting into death, religion and other things spiritual........and I found these which seem to fit

These actually appeared in church bulletins, or were announced during church services:
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come and listen to our choir practise.
 
Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and
the deterioration of some older ones.
 
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
 
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen
in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet next Thursday at 7pm. Please use the
back door.
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7.30pm. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
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amdaylight

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #298 on: October 23, 2008, 04:49:50 pm »

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) :-))

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #299 on: November 20, 2008, 10:26:07 pm »



 Al Qaeda are putting bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti.
  If they go off, it could spell disaster.
:D
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