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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour II  (Read 227476 times)

andyn

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #375 on: January 31, 2009, 11:14:37 pm »

Or give your squirrel vodka....

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4ikH9ZRcF2Q
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #376 on: February 02, 2009, 10:06:17 pm »


If mirrors reverse left & right, why don't they reverse Up & Down?!?!?  :P
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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #377 on: February 03, 2009, 12:51:17 am »

Mine do. :o

But that is more a reflection on how much I have been drinking that day. ;)
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #378 on: February 03, 2009, 07:38:42 am »

Martin, with the same logic you may ask:
If it`s 0 degree Celsius today and the forecast for tomorrow is as double as cold, how much is it then?
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #379 on: February 03, 2009, 10:42:09 am »

That's like saying, "We will redouble our efforts."... does that mean you were only working quarter as hard before?
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Roger in France

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #380 on: February 03, 2009, 01:52:49 pm »

Martin,

Mirrors do just as you ask. However, cunningly all our mirrors are imported from Australia and we export all ours to them!

Roger in France.
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #381 on: February 03, 2009, 08:22:25 pm »

...Martin, my boss use to claim: As long as you have the breath to moan- you haven`t done your job right. If you put all your effort in your job- you won`t have the breath for moaning!  :o

.. and they say the times of slaves are gone?

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Peter Fitness

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #382 on: February 03, 2009, 09:48:22 pm »

all our mirrors are imported from Australia and we export all ours to them!

Does that mean we should see English scenery in our mirrors, and you should see Australian scenery in yours??  :o :D

Peter.
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #383 on: February 04, 2009, 08:03:13 pm »

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't work, my wife kept
> hinting to
> me that I should get it fixed.
> But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
> first, the
> truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more
> important to me.
> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> When I arrived
> home one day,
> I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping
> away with a
> tiny pair of sewing scissors.
> I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> the house. I
> was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
> handed her a.
> toothbrush. I said, 'When you're finished cutting the
> grass, you might as
> well sweep the driveway.'
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have
> a limp.
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amdaylight

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #384 on: February 04, 2009, 08:31:07 pm »

Richard,

What are we ever going to do with you, I enjoyed that.  O0  {-)  O0 {-)

Andre
over yonder in Portland Oregon
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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #385 on: February 04, 2009, 08:44:03 pm »

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
> husband,
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
> you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
> perfect.
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Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #386 on: February 04, 2009, 08:52:22 pm »



One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are
you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you."

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #387 on: February 04, 2009, 09:03:08 pm »

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.


"Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun asked.

 

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," said the golfer.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."

And the golfer walked off.
 
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."


A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him.
 
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
 
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
 
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
 
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't even know were there!"
 
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
 
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
 
"C'mon, c'mon now," urges the leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
 
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
 
"What?!" responds the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
 
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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amdaylight

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #388 on: February 04, 2009, 09:10:55 pm »

Dicky ....
Dicky ....
Dicky ....
Dicky ....


Rolling around on the floor laughing  O0  O0  {-) {-) {-) {-)

Andre
on floor laughing my  ;D off in Portland Oreogn

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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #389 on: February 05, 2009, 08:48:13 am »

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the
> garage.
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
> back out into a
> torrential downpour.
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned
> on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
> bad all day.
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
> slipped back into
> bed.
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
> anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is
> terrible.'
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'I know, Can you
> believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?'
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Peterm

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #390 on: February 05, 2009, 10:21:05 am »

Dicky,   You should compile a book of those things.   You would make a fortune even in these hard times.   Pete M
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DickyD

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #391 on: February 05, 2009, 11:02:59 am »

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my Mother-in-law up.
 As I stood there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?"
I replied, "No. Six of them ought to be enough".
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #392 on: February 05, 2009, 12:12:03 pm »

Quote
You should compile a book of those things.

I think that's where he gets them!  ok2
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #393 on: February 05, 2009, 07:43:54 pm »

A banker went home after a 14 hours-day when his wife stood in the door.
"Darling, is something different with me?", she asked him with a nice and silent voice.

"Hmm, new hairstyle", he replied.

"No, look at me and you`ll figure out!"

"Hmmmmmm, new dress?". he puzzled.

"NOOO! Go on- you MUST see something different!"

The lad got no clue abd said, more asking then knowing: "New shoes?"

The voice of his wife became sharper when answered: "You`re dead wrong- I`m wearing a gas-mask!"
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #394 on: February 05, 2009, 10:50:48 pm »

 {-) {-) O0
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White Ensign

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #395 on: February 07, 2009, 07:47:33 pm »

Husband was shaking his wife in the middle of the night. "Wake up darling", he whispered. "Wake up I have your headache-antis here for you".

"I have no headache", she nodded, fed up about being disturbed in her sleep.

"O.k.", the husband replied with a smile. "You have no headache- so we could.....?"
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craftysod

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #396 on: February 07, 2009, 08:44:51 pm »

> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
> a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and
> begins
> to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops
> to
> listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello?"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes."
>
> WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
> It's only 500. Is it okay if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage
> this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really
> liked."
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: "80.000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
> is back on the market. They're asking 1,500,000."
>
> MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
> 1,250,000."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
> MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
> in
> absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose
> mobile
> this is?"……………..
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #397 on: February 11, 2009, 07:09:08 pm »


One of my all time favourite sketches: 

MORECAMBE & WISE: Andre Previn Preview?!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP8TUe993uo
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Colin H

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #398 on: February 11, 2009, 09:52:58 pm »

It was the best day of my life.

As I walked towards the church the sun was shining and the birds were singing.

I opened the church door and there waiting for me at the altar was my wife.

I leaned toward her and kissed her cheek.
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
Then I put the lid on.

Be careful if you tell this joke the wife hit me.

Colin H.
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Ghost in the shell

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Re: Jokes & Humour II
« Reply #399 on: February 12, 2009, 01:14:46 pm »

one funny way to keep your dog ammused whilst you are at work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PcL6-mjRNk
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