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[barryfoote]

Bulwarks......bulwarks.......Oh yes those things that have been dominating my life for a few days.

The wife still thinks it's a load of b+++++ks though

Barry

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog
was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there
is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it levelled out, the agent said, "Watch
this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the
agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into
the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so
he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[Wetwater]

    Brilliant Ken.      I must remember in future not to have a mouthfull of tea just as I get to the punch line.
    Still trying to wipe the spray from the monitor and keyboard. 

[chingdevil]

Brilliant Ken
Do you think tears of laughter will ruin my keyboard.

Brian

[barryfoote]

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.


She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.


Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.


She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
   
 
 


 

[elmo]

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
 
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... lets chuck a few pebbles in there and see just how deep it is."
 
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
 
They pick up a couple of large rocks and throw them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
 
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad sleeper. Help me carry it over here. When we chuck THAT heavy sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
 
The two drag the heavy wooden sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
 
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
 
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
 
"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
 
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
 
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad sleeper."  ::)
 

[Wetwater]

   Another good one.      Luckily I wasn't drinking this time. 

[barryfoote]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke



Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f****d if he needed
glasses".

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

Brilliant ............. now I know what spluttering means.   

[DickyD]

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the blood samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith, "What do you mean?"
Receptionist, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer, and the other for Syphilis. However, we cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

[DickyD]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

[Martin (Admin)]

"Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

 

[Brian_C]

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1124545654    have a look at this its brilliant 

[Wetwater]

  I'll have to stop reading / viewing these jokes.  My wife thinks I'm having a fit when I start rolling around on
  the floor laughing and giggling.  :)  The last few have been extra good. 

[Martin (Admin)]

http://tinyurl.com/28yfmh

or...

http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf?autostart=true&enablejs=true&feedurl=http://theblimp.blip.tv/rss&file=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/rss/flash/345491&showplayerpath=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf

[DickyD]

Ferrari F1 team fires entire pit crew!
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some UK Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

 

[malcolmfrary]

So thats the true story behind last years F1 spy scandal.
Rather more believable than the stuff that was officially put out.

[malcolmfrary]

A mate just sent me this -

Say; "The Leith Police Dismisseth Us" -  3 times -fast!

 

Or  Read the following:-

 

Subject: Letter to the Police

Here's a true email sent to the Edinburgh force, lengthy but absolutely
brilliantly written..... An Anonymous correspondence from a member of the
public :

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message
on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the
entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a
matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of
calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be
relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve
no   other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in
trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer



Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith
Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat
officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In
the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen
you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a
matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and
attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of
no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to
play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or
the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the
Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
regards,


IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the addressee(s) named above and may contain
information that is confidential or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons
with low self-esteem or no sense of humour. Any unauthorised distribution or
copying of this email constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the
terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. There is
also, no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just
ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete
circle of salt around yourself and your computer, you can ensure that no
harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

[Colin Bishop]

Very good! 

[Martin (Admin)]

Fishing by remote Control Boat!

[Martin (Admin)]

Fishing with Bill Dance!

[Peter Fitness]

The times they are a-changing!

Scenario 1

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960

- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007

- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence.
They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 2

Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960

Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007

- Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Drops out of school.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 3

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960

- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007

- Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. 
Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an
affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 4

Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960

- Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007

- Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 5

Vinh fails high school English.

1960

- Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007

- Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English
a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and
his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 6

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960

- Ants die.

2007

-  Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are
removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly
again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario 7

Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960

- Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007

- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in  prison. Johnny undergoes five
years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Bring back the good old days

[DickyD]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[DickyD]

Shopping for husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that have big boobs, love sex, and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
  Ends
 
 
 

[DickyD]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the
trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is
also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also
called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market
the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There
is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them. :-\