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[RaaArtyGunner]

Here is an expert on Daylight saving explaining why it won't work.

[Netleyned]

Yeah but your feet would be warmer 

Ned

[RaaArtyGunner]

Ned,

you would the be getting it in the neck
 

Me think him heap onest injun try help paleface

[RaaArtyGunner]

Canberra is Australia's political capital and the home of Parliament and bureaucracy.



A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

  Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

The postal authorities received the letter addressed
to God, Australia,
so decided to send it to Julia Gillard.  (Australian  PM)

 
Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
 
She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
 
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
 
 
Dear God: Thank
you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra, and those scum bags took $95.00 in taxes.

 
 

[chingdevil]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY..
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS..
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me...'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a cave?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you



Brian

[Netleyned]

 

Nice one Brian

Takes me back about 60 years
My Mum must have used every one of those
at some time or other 

Ned

[Double D]

How very very true and I can hear myself saying them all to my boys. 

Another one I say is...... "and don't look at me like your father" ....... needless to say, with me as a mother they have child line on speed dial on their mobile phones

[chingdevil]

Courtesy of the Daily Mail today.


Brian

[DickyD]

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
 

[DickyD]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[CGAux26]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO    OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OWICH!! I love a good pun.

[DickyD]

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
 

[Stavros]

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
 

Dicky 20000000000/10 on that one,never a TRUER word spoken in jest

Stav

[RaaArtyGunner]

Dicky 20000000000/10 on that one,never a TRUER word spoken in jest

Stav

We are desperately short of them in OZ as well
 

[DickyD]

Thanks chaps, try this.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it . . .  I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

 
 

[pugwash]

Dicky - That aaawful.

Geoff

[PMK]

Said the little cannibal boy: "Daddy, I hate Mummy's guts!"
"Well leave that part and just eat your chips."

[Dekan]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p*ssed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in London.

[john s 2]

Last bit has ring of truth. John.

[RaaArtyGunner]

Ah Well, Dicky started it,

The skeleton said "I have no body to go to the dance with"
 

[DickyD]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

 
 

[pugwash]

Thats even worse
Geoff

[dougal99]

Dreadful joke alert  














Mummy Mummy, can I lick the bowl?




No, pull the chain like everyone else







I'll get my coat  

[grasshopper]

Little boy comes home from school and proudly announces to his father "I got a part in the school play, I'm playing an old married bloke"

' Never mind son' says the father ' next time you might get a speaking part'

[Martin (Admin)]

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت

سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.....