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[Colin Bishop]

Seen on another Forum - Hampshire's Finest!

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/10/22/hampshire_police_ad/

[a3nige]

German sense of humour!!!!!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdjt6Bl5qdY

Nige

[banjo]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
But those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
So lets just be careful out there eh.

 

[portside II]

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & and felt really guilty

No matter how much he tried ,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say,

"Dave don't worry about it , you ain't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients & you wont be the last,and your single just let it go".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering ,

"Dave your a  VET"

[HS93 (RIP)]

NFL Star: Londoners Speak English?


Yes its true,




http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1290248,00.html

Peter

[dougal99]

NFL Star: Londoners Speak English?

Yes its true,

http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1290248,00.html

Peter

I wonder if he's related to the air hostess who opening the door of the UK airline DC10 said to me "Where are we?"

I told her the name of the UK airfield, they had only come from Gatwick, "Yes I know that" she said "but where is it?"

She was only 89 miles form London!

[djrobbo]

Batman and superman were arguing...Batman says to superman,  .you have got to be the most unreliable superhero i have ever known..What do you mean says superman ?  Well says batman when we arrange to meet somewhere you are allways late..No i'm not says superman..Okay says batman i'll prove it, meet me on the top of the empire state building at nine o'clock, okay says superman your on..Nine o'clock comes and there is no sign of superman,,at half past nine in flies superman..See i told you allways late..Well says superman i did have a good reason, well come on then says batman what is it.. Well i was flying in across central park , when i looked down and there was wonder woman,stark naked and flat on her back, so i thought i've just got to haven't i ?.Well did you says batman, sure did says superman..Was she suprised says batman..certainly was says superman , but not half as surprised as the invisible man was !!!!

                           regards all....bob.

[Martin (Admin)]

Workshop Tools    Anyone with a shed will relate to these....


 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat  metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
    you in the chest and  flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly  painted part you were drying.

 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
     Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to  scream, "SH**!!!"

 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
     unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
     welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable  objects in your shed on fire. Also handy
     for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and  motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
     impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for.

 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
     trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 10. 100x50 hardwood joist : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a  hydraulic jack handle.

 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.

 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 13. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for  spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing
      dog faeces from your  boots.

 14. BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

 16. 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
       screwdriver tip on one end.

 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called  drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
       "the sunshine vitamin,"  which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,  its main purpose is to consume
       40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few  hours of the
       Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also
       be used, as  the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into
       compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 20 years ago by someone
       at Ford, and rounds them off.

 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too small or larger.

 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
      the object you are trying to hit.

 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
       well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts  and the hand not holding the knife…

[chingdevil]

Martin
This is absolutely classic, I had to read it a couple of times because the tears of laughter obscured my vision.

Brian

[malcolmfrary]

Changed the undewear, read it again.    The seat will probably dry out.

[catengineman]

reading this at work so I have now locked ALL the vessels tools away (I am the safety officer as well as the engineer) and I dont want to hurt myself though my side's are splitting

Nice one

[meechingman]

On holiday in Paris with the then girlfriend many moons ago, I came across this soft drink, and just had to bring the cup home as proof! You can guess how it's pronounced and there were posters up saying "Buvez Pschitt!", "Drink *!@?", basically!

Only in France!

[White Ensign]

Top this for a speeding ticket
>
>
> Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an
> unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great
> North Road.
>
> One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to
> check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
> surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then
> stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
>
> The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the
> North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border
> district.
>
> Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint
> to the RAF Liaison office.
>
> Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.
>
> "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
> incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
> Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and
> sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-Ground
> missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target.
> Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile
> status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection
> system before the missile was launched".


Gentlemen, true or not.... I leave it to your phantasy. 

Jörg

[Colin H]

Pity the pilot had not received a speeding ticket lately. What a revenge that would be, blues & twos don't outrun a Sidewinder.

Colin H.

[DickyD]

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor "illigitimate".

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[OMK]

Hickory dickory dock,
three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
but the others escaped with just minor cuts and abrasions.

[malcolmfrary]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four £5 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:








"Paint my house."

[RickF]

An old Yorkshireman's wife of 50 years died, so he went to make arrangements for the funeral. He went to the undertakers and the churchand finally ended up at the monumental mason. "Reet, lad" he says,"Appen thee can do a nice stone fer t'wife". The mason agrees, and suggests that he include a bit of religious text. The old boy thinks for a minute and say "Aye, she were always a bit religious. How about "Lord, she was thine" - and I want it done be Thursday -  funerals on t'Friday!". The mason agrees and the oldman goes off happy.

Thursday morning he's back to inspect the headstone. The mason proudly displays it. All her details, beautifully carved and finished off with the text LORD SHE WAS THIN. The old boy is furious. "Thass left off the E" he shouts. "Funeral's tomorrow. What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry," says the mason "I'll get one of my lads to put right and it'll be at the church tomorrow."

"The day of the funeral arrives and in due course the mourners gather round the grave with downcast eyes. As the old lady is lowered to her final resting place, her husband glances at the headstone. The mason had done his job. Emblazoned across the monument was the elaborately carved text......"EEEH LORD, SHE WAS THIN"

[portside II]

The owld farmer goes down to the field early one frosty morning ,and to his shock he finds all his cows in the field frozen solid .
Sobbing at the road side  :'(an old lady passing by stops to ask what the problem is.
"Its me cows theyre all frozen ,i be done for now ,ruined " there there" says the old woman let me take a look .
And off into the field she goes ,walking around each and every cow .
A short time later she comes out of the field and say's to the farmer "all done now i'll be off".
The farmer looks into the field and all the cows are ok and doing what cows do, the farmer jumps about excited  .
A passing rambler ask's "what are you so excited about , the farmer explain's about the cows and the mystery woman and what she done .
Oh you know who that was dont you ,THORA HIRD :angel:.

[swordfish fairey]

An old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when the old chap turned to his wife and asked her if she had ever been unfaithfull to him. She thought for a while and said ,"Yes darling, twice". He was a bit taken aback by this, and asked her when it had happened.  "Well," she said, " Do you remember when the business was failing and the Bank would not give us a loan?, and all of a sudden the Manager changed his mind, that was the first time". He said he remembered and forgave her as it was in their interests. And the second he asked? " Do you remember when business was booming and you fancied being the chairman of the golf club"? Yes, yes he said. "And do you remember needing 27 votes to swing it"? she smiled sweetly........

[anmo]

An old Yorkshireman's wife of 50 years died.....

Yorkshire dialect jokes eh RickF? I've got a few, I thought they'd be a bit lost on most of you lot, but try this one.

An old Yorkshire farmer dies, and after the funeral, the faithful farmhand who has worked there for forty years is discussing future running of the farm with the farmer's widow.

They run through all the usual things, stock management, crop rotation, feedstuff supplies and other stuff, and then the farmhand looks at the widow and asks, "I can see that ah'm goin to have to take over most of the work that Mester used to do, but what are we going to do for sex?"

The farmer's widow is shocked. "Let me tell you this my man, we'll be having none of that nonsense. If you think that I'm going to dress up in a French maid's outfit and spank you, get down on my knees so you can do it doggy fashion, spend afternoons with you up in the hayloft, or take out my false teeth so I can give you xxxxxxx , then you're going to have to think on, there's going to be nothing like that between us, even if you are a fine figure of a man with good firm buttocks for a man of your age." Faithful farmhand thinks for a moment. "Nay Missus, we'll leave all that kind of thing to they southern folk, what I want from you is sex, a load of good sex to put corn in after t'harvest."

(Sacks, pronounced 'Sex' north of Ripon). Maybe you need to have been born in God's own County to get that one....

Do I sense moderation approaching Martin?

[djrobbo]

A woman is searching the house for an item she has lost.  when she opens her husbands sock drawer, she discovers a large wad of twenty pound notes and two chucky eggs in an egg box. When the husband comes home she confronts him with the evidence and demands an answer....Well says the husband , blushing slightly, every time i was unfaithful to you i put an egg in the drawer. The wife thinks for a while and then says , thats not too bad twice in twenty five years , but then asks him what the large wad of twenty pound notes was.  Oh says the husband every time i got a dozen eggs , i sold them and put the money in the drawer...

           

[DickyD]

When it's ok to say $%#@!

[DickyD]

When it's ok to say $%#@!

[malcolmfrary]

A good mate sent this to me

 
Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying !@%! YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.