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[White Ensign]

Oh boys, knowing that most of you are the same rotten bunch (just like me)- you`ll like that one... 



A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
 
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
 
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
 
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
 
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
 
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
 
"No," she replies. . . . . .
 
     
         

   
   

 
"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the
police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife.

"I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[JayDee]

A  thief in Paris  planned to steal some paintings from the  Louvre. 


After  careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and  made
it safely to his van.  However,  he was captured only two blocks away when his
van ran out of gas. 



When  asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an 
obvious error, he replied,



'Monsieur  that is the reason I stole the paintings. 






I  had no Monet 






to  buy Degas 






to  make the Van  Gogh 







See  if you  have  De  Gaulle  to send this on to someone else.






I  sent it to you because I figured I had nothing  Toulouse. 

[elmo]

.... hmmmm... thats a pretty lautrec!  ::)

[Colin Bishop]

Reminds me how Toulouse Lautrec got his name.

He had a downstairs cloakroom....

[White Ensign]

Colin, so it can be assumed that Van Gogh had an awfull cough?

[Colin Bishop]

Yeah, really gave people an earful! 

[bigH]

  Van Gogh cut orf his ear and threw it out of the window, turned to his bro' and said, "That's another 'ear gone".
  In the army the sergeant said "Answer to your name when I call it, except you Van Gogh, I know your Ear".
  Man picked up Van Gogh's Ear turned and asked him, " Is this yours ?"  Van Gogh looked at him and said, "Pardon".
  Van Gogh has amnesia, he's lost a 'ear
  Van Gogh was in the army when his other year got shot off, he immediately went blind.  He had nothing to hold his helmet and it slid down over his eyes.
 
  All the above come courtesy of my 5yr old great-grandson so don't blame me,   I have to listen to them three or four times a week......  Harry

[Roger in France]

Some of these jokes are so good I want to copy one or two to pass to family and friends. Is there a way to isolate one joke and print it, please?

Roger in France

[catengineman]

I think you can 'cut and paste' to file that way the joke or subject will be just the bits you want (I think)
 ::)

R,

[dougal99]

Roger

Hope I'm not teaching granny.....


Drag the cursor over the words you wish to select.

Press Ctrl and C keys at the same time.

Load your preferred word processor or text editor

Click in a document window

Press Ctrl and V together

You should now have the required text in the document. Print in the normal way.

HTH

Doug

[Welsh_Druid]

Instead of Ctrl + c and Ctrl + v  I find it easier just to right-click the mouse  and select copy or paste as needed  - but whatever suits you

Don B

[dougal99]

An itinerant looking for work approaches a big house. The householder, an affluent man, gets him to clean his Rolls Royce.

The worker sets to with soap and water, gives the paint work a rub down with a chamois and then a really good polish. The car is gleaming. He then sets about the inside with a vacuum until there is not a single speck of dust to be seen.

When he finished he said to the owner, "That's a really lovely car.It's got everything, cocktail cabinet, fridge, stereo DVD player, built in sat nav and wonderful leather upholstry. Just one thing what are these?" He holds up some golf tees.

"Oh", says the owner, "They are for putting your balls on when you drive off."

"Sheesh" says the worker "These Rolls Royce people think of everything"

[FullLeatherJacket]

Now that Liverpool has been declared European City of Culture for 2008, my scouser mate Jez says that when they nick the wheels off your car you'll find it chocked up on books instead of bricks.
One of my customers was a bit apprehensive about visiting Nottingham as his son - who was at Nottingham University - had told him that when you stop at traffic lights the hoodies jump out and steal your wheels. He was relieved to find that when he  got here all the lights had been shot out..............
FLJ

[White Ensign]

FLJ, as we have certain places like this there is an easy way to avoyd any trouble:
Just drive 30mph, as every lousy muggler just can run 20 for a short period. No chance for them to catch you up! 

Jörg

[malcolmfrary]

Van Goch had a load of relatives..
His dizzy aunt.................................................... Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh.
The constipated uncle.......................... ..............Cant Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store .. Stopn Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia .........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.......... Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois........................................Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle...............................................Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin...............................................Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ..........Grin Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt...................................Tan Gogh.
A sister who loved disco.......................................Go Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach...................Wellsfar Gogh.
The bird lover uncle.............................................Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst.....................................E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin...........................................Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking .....................Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew......................................Poe Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van .......Winnie Bay Gogh

[White Ensign]

Malcolm, not forget his stupid brother:
Don`t KnGogh

[elmo]

... and his super clean niece 'Wash n'Gogh'

[White Ensign]

... or the modeler in the family: "KnowhGogh".....

[davidm1945]

The Wedding Test...

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told  me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. 
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low n behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[Martin (Admin)]

RE: Blackberry Messaging outage..

All we need now is for iPhones to start playing up and we'll have the dream headline:

Apple and Blackberry crumble

[Kangaroo1]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me
today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace
is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
... ... ... ... finished.
So I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum,
a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun
scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn
to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum!!

[Martin (Admin)]

Jokes and humour continued here: http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=8212.0