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[RickF]

Five Rules for a Happy Life

Rule One: Get yourself a woman who is willing to work hard, wash, iron and clean for you.

Rule Two: Get yourself a woman who can cook well.

Rule Three: Get yourself a woman who will look after your children,

Rule Four: Get yourself a woman who is good in bed.

Rule Five: Make sure the four never meet!

[Colin H]

An armed robber takes some hostages during the robbery.

`Did you see me rob the bank` he asks his first hostage. `Yes` replies the man. The robber immediately shoots him dead.

`Did you see me rob the bank` he asks the second hostage. `NO` replies the man, but the wife sure did.


Colin H.

[barryfoote]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need the support of a hearing aid.                           

   Not quite sure how to approach her on this matter, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.                                         

                                                                           

   The Doctor told him there was a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.       

   Here's what you do'  said the Doctor  'stand about 40 feet away from her and, in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears     

   you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.'                                                             

                                                                           

   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den.  He thinks  'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' 

   Then, in a normal tone, he asks  'Honey, what's for dinner?'   No response.                                                           

   The husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats  'Honey, what's for dinner?'                               

   Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks  'Honey, what's for dinner?'                             

   Again, no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away  'Honey, what's for dinner?'                                                           
                                                                       

   Yet again no response.                                                 

   Finally, he walks right up behind her  'Honey, what's for dinner?'     

                                                                           

   (I just love this)                                                     

                                                                           

   'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !!'

[splodger]

A man stumbles up to the only other drinker in a London bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the Landlord.
"Nothing much," replies the Landlord. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

[Ghost in the shell]

heres two

[catengineman]

a kilted scotsman was walking down the path after finishing off bottle of whiskey.feeling tired he decided to take nap near a tree...as he slept 2 women tourist's heard his loud snoring.the 1st woman said she always wanted to see what scotsman kept up his kilt..so boldly walking up to him she had a quick peek'mystery solved he got nothing on'
lets thank him for sharing'so she took her pretty blue ribbon off her hair and tied it in little bow on his endowment
a while later the scotman was awoken by call of nature,he raised his kilt and was bewildered to see the little blue ribbon,he stared at it for sometime then said
'dont't know where y'been laddie..but nice ta see ya won firrrst prrrize


R,

[catengineman]

This one had a sort of connection

 After having dug to a depth of 20 metres last year, Scottish scientists
 found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
 conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
 than 200 years ago.

 Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
 scientists dug to a depth of 30 metres, and shortly after, headlines in
 the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces
 of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
 already had a high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
 than the Scots"

 One week later, "The Kerrymen", a southwest Irish newspaper, reported
 the following: "After digging as deep as 40 metres in peat bogs near
 Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
 found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 400 years
 ago Ireland had already gone wireless."


R,

[catengineman]

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of 5h*t, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how 5h*t happens.

[Martin (Admin)]

                     

[splodger]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest NHS
hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We hardly ever see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not too sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in of course, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. All the Labour leaders and MPs were there

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or regretted joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and shivering with cold, moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were only campaigning; today you voted for us!"

[RickF]

If only, Splodger, if only.......

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy hot-shot lawyer, was questioning  Clyde."Didn't
you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded  my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, - 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was  driving
down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks
after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one  ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie
moaning and groaning so I knew she was in  terrible shape .

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could  hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.   
After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at  me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now tell me, what the hell  would you say?"

[catengineman]

 

[Hornblower1948]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So, he says, 'Do you know me?

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

 
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

While working at a Pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small takeaway
pizza. He appeared to be alone.

The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about
it for some time before responding.

'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.'

[portside II]

Not sure if this one has allready been posted ,but heres my version.

A zebra dies and goes to heaven ,arrives at the pearly gates and is met by st Peter.
"how are you ,hope you had a good time down there and welcome to heaven"
St Peter asks the zebra if he has any questions that have troubled him.
To which he replies "yes there is one question i would like the answer to".
"Am i a white zebra with black stripes ,or a black zebra with white stripes?".
Now st Peter looks at the zebra puzzled and says that he has no idea of the answer and he should speak to the lord.
When the zebra See's the lord he asks the same question ,to which the lord replies "you are what you are".
Not sure what to say the zebra accepts the answer and goes away .
Later the zebra meets up with st Peter who asks if the lord has answered his question .
"Yes " says the zebra "he did ,but i am not sure of the answer ".
"Well what did he say ?".
"He said you are what you are "
"Ah well that answers your question then ,your a white zebra with black stripes then ".
"How do you work that out then "asks the zebra?.
"Well if you were a black zebra with white stripes then he would have said ,you is what you is".

daz

[bluesy]

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

[Colin H]

An Essex girl is driving down the A13 when her car phone rings.

It was her boyfriend urgently warning her, `Treacle I just heard on the news there is a car going the wrong way on the A13, please be careful`.

`Its not just one car` replied the Essex girl, `There's hundreds of them!`

Colin H.

[DieselDo]

Nice one.

[DickyD]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside , what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'

[Brian_C]

thats my kinda joke dicky well done   

[Martin (Admin)]

 :)

[DickyD]

One day a  Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years,  saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not  a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out  the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

 
Suddenly there  emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside  the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead  gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned  Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've  had a cigarette?'

 
'Ten years,'  replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and unzipped  a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled  out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a  long drag. 'Aye,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten  how great a smoke can be!'

 
'And how long has it been  since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey' asked the  blonde

 
Trembling, the  castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over  to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and  hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis  nectar of the gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly  fantastic!!!'

 
At this point  the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet  suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked  , 'And how long has it been since you played  around?'

 
With tears in  his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and  sobbed;,

 
'Sweet Lord!  Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there  too!'

[barryfoote]

Brilliant Dicky.....Brilliant.....Still crying.....

[djrobbo]

In a similar vein.................

      A man is shipwrecked and ends up on a deserted island , his only companions being a sheep and a dog.

     After a few weeks his mind started to stray towards carnal pleasures , and he wonders how he can satisfy himself.

     His attention then turns to the sheep , which by now is looking remarkably attractive , so he approaches the sheep to have his evil way with it.  As he gets close the dog springs to its feet and bares its teeth and snarls at him and threatens to bite him , so he backs off.

    Over the next nine months every time he approaches the sheep the dog reacts exactly the same , so he never succeeds in his intentions.

     One morning he finds a drop dead gorgeous blonde washed up on the beach , he immediately drags her out of the water and administers artificial repiration until she splutters back to life , he then moves her closer to the fire to warm her up and then puts her in his bed to recover.

     The girl wakes the next morning and wanders over to the man sitting on the beach with the sheep and the dog , which is sitting between him and the sheep
keeping them appart .
      The girl looks longingly at the man and says........" thank you for saving my life , it must have been lonely being on this island for so long , is there something personal i can do for you " and gives him a little wink.

      The guy thinks about this for a while and replies................If i make you a lead will you take that bloody dog for a walk !